BOINC@AUSTRALIA FORUM

Public Category => OPEN DISCUSSION => Topic started by: Cruncher Pete on November 18, 2022, 03:33:55 PM

Title: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 18, 2022, 03:33:55 PM
(https://scontent.fbne6-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/316165094_155653630513011_2322649434346908164_n.jpg?_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=5cd70e&_nc_ohc=2pRpnyfVlO8AX9-Htna&_nc_ht=scontent.fbne6-1.fna&oh=00_AfCOm1-miR1C0X4_lvjrvffO5nYfmDEbbzN_-JN_cjVgcA&oe=637C03EA)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: shift on November 30, 2022, 03:06:45 PM
 :congrats These are all great Cruncher Pete
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: tazzduke on December 09, 2022, 06:24:45 PM
oh god these crack me up lol  :BigGrin
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: shift on December 15, 2022, 05:16:51 PM
hahaha
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Dark Angel on January 06, 2023, 12:04:36 PM
If someone steal a Tesla, does that make it an Edison?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Dark Angel on January 06, 2023, 02:06:34 PM
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone famous there is to know. Go on - Just name someone, anyone, and I bet that I know them"
Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call Dave's bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"Not a problem boss. Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door.
Tom Cruise is at home and answers the door himself and shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!
Although shocked and more than a little impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical and he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just pure luck.
"No, no, just name anyone else then", Dave says.
"President Biden!", his boss quickly retorts.
"Yep"Dave says, "We're buddies from years ago. Let's fly out to Washington and I'll show you"
So they fly out to Washington and go on the White house tour"
"While walking through the White House, Biden himself appears, spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,
"Dave, what a surprise, it's great to see you again after all this time. I was just on my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"
After they leave the White House grounds the boss tells Dave that he's still not entirely convinced.
Dave again implores him to name another famous person.
After thinking about it for a long time the boss replies with, "The Pope!"
"Sure thing!", says Dave, "I've known the Pope for years - since before he became Pope in fact"
So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican.
Dave says, "This will never work, I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people Tell you what, I know all the Pope's guards here as well so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,
"What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw. You and the Pope came out on the balcony and a Japanese tourist next to me said,... "
"Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Dark Angel on January 10, 2023, 06:50:30 PM
Understanding Engineers.jpg
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Dark Angel on February 07, 2023, 05:17:37 PM
Australian spy balloon.jpg
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ryzenmulti on March 15, 2023, 08:48:39 PM
Cracking jokes Pete. I can't vote on them but some of these are rippers.
 :thanks1:
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ryzenmulti on March 22, 2023, 08:42:59 AM
Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.

The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"

The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"

Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"

The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.

"A cat," Schrödinger replies.

The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."

Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: jave808 on March 26, 2023, 05:25:59 PM
I had a tree I wanted removed because it was too close to the house.
I called a tree guy. He came out and did a nice job cutting down the tree. He asked me what I thought. I said, "It's nice, but what about the stump?" He informed me that he was just a tree guy who cut down trees, if I wanted the stump removed, I would need to call a stump guy.
I found a highly recommend stump guy. He came and got the stump out. He says, "There you go." I asked him about the hole. He says, "I'm a stump guy and just remove stumps. I don't fill in the holes." He told me I would need to call a landscaper.
I get ahold of a landscaper and I tell him, "I'm fixing to leave town on a trip. I don't care what you do, just fix the hole and make it look nice."
I got back today and found out he planted a friggin tree.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Dingo on March 27, 2023, 05:46:45 PM



Can't see the image
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ryzenmulti on April 11, 2023, 05:50:35 AM
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the truth!
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her & asked,
'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy & frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people & talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room & asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted & he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, & his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.
Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both Counsellor a to approach the bench &, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...😂😂
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: jave808 on May 13, 2023, 12:06:33 PM
Quote from: Cruncher Pete on May 13, 2023, 08:50:03 AMI just changed my computer login password to "Alcatraz" and now the "Esc"button won't work?

I changed all my passwords to "incorrect" so I get a message whenever I login stating "Password is incorrect"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: jave808 on July 14, 2023, 08:43:31 AM
Quote from: Cruncher Pete on July 13, 2023, 08:45:13 AMSusie came home from her first day at school.

Her mother said, "Well, Honey, what did you learn today?"

"Not enough, I guess....They want me to come back again tomorrow."

Ha ha ha ha!!
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: jave808 on August 11, 2023, 11:06:54 AM
(https://i.ibb.co/k36zqHP/F3-Nk-Cgka-QAAJHBh.jpg) (https://ibb.co/Gs3GCxr)
the poet by hermann hesse (https://poetandpoem.com/Hermann-Hesse/poems)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: The Chaser on September 08, 2023, 12:38:39 PM
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." 

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh No," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."
So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.


"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."    



 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: The Chaser on September 09, 2023, 03:42:12 PM
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
 
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: The Chaser on September 10, 2023, 09:50:12 AM
After 25 years of marriage, I took a look at my wife one day and said:

"Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black-and-white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, a nice car, a big bed and a big-screen plasma TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

But my wife is a very reasonable woman.

She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she'd make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed. 



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on October 24, 2023, 02:46:06 PM
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?" the friend replied.

"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: jave808 on October 24, 2023, 05:57:11 PM
Quote from: Cruncher Pete on October 24, 2023, 02:46:06 PM"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

"How do you know?" the friend asked.

"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley."

"So?" the friend replied.

"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"



Ha ha ha Cruncher Pete. That's a good one! Gave me a chuckle
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on October 25, 2023, 10:11:54 AM
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on October 26, 2023, 09:30:05 AM
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.

The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and the man's girlfriend kissing in the back seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.


The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar, laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That darned Pete!" the drunk chortled. "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on October 30, 2023, 11:51:25 AM
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on October 31, 2023, 10:09:02 AM
The "Claven Theory" offers the besy proof that beer actually does make you smarter....."One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went:Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Don't you feel smarter after a few?

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 01, 2023, 09:34:42 AM
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out,

"WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL"

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 03, 2023, 09:04:38 AM
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 04, 2023, 09:51:58 AM
A woman entered the pharmacy, approached the pharmacist, made direct eye contact, and began to speak.
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 05, 2023, 09:38:48 AM
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 06, 2023, 09:36:00 AM
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the manager asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you've ever had."

"Well," the young man said, "in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination."


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 07, 2023, 08:33:27 AM
Not me!
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a large evening ashore.
As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself.

Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he?d also shit in your pants."




Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 08, 2023, 10:32:59 AM
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The doctor asks, "So what seems to be the problem?"
The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason at all. It's starting to scare me."
The Doctor tells her, "I think I have just the cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish, and swish, but don't swallow it until he leaves the room or decides to go to bed."
Two weeks later, the woman returns, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started to lose it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?!"
The Doctor informs her, "The water itself does nothing. It's having to keep your mouth shut that does the trick."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 12, 2023, 10:46:05 AM
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: jave808 on November 12, 2023, 04:54:04 PM
A man was working in the garden and his wife was about to take a shower.

He realized that he couldn't find the rake.. and yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldn't hear and she shouted back, "What?"

He pointed to his eye, and then pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.

his wife wasn't sure and said "What?"

He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

His wife replied that she understands and signals back.

She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell he could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, He went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replies: "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 13, 2023, 09:46:10 AM
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 14, 2023, 09:17:42 AM
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 15, 2023, 08:43:19 AM
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, and your children - Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 16, 2023, 09:17:56 AM
An elderly couple visits their grown-up grandson one night. While in the bathroom, Grandpa discovers a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cupboard.

"I don't think you should take one of those," says the grandson when his grandpa asks him about them: "They're pretty expensive."

"How much?" asks the old timer.

"$20 a pill," replies the grandson.

"I'd still like to try one," says the old man: "Before we go in the morning I'll leave the money under the pillow in the guest room."

The next day the grandson goes into the guest room, and lifts the pillow to find $120. Puzzled, he calls his grandpa. "Grandpa, I told you the pills were $20 each!" he says.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 17, 2023, 07:32:33 AM
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-"

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 17, 2023, 01:27:42 PM
A guy walks into a bar carrying a paper bag. He sits down, orders a drink and puts his bag on the bar.

The bartender says, "What do you have in the bag?"

The guy reaches into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, a piano stool and a tiny man. The little man jumps on the piano stool and begins playing.

The bartender says, "That's pretty cool. Where did you get that?"

The guy reaches into the bag again and pulls out a brass lamp. He says, "This is a magic lamp. If you rub it a genie will come out and grant you one wish."

The bartender rubs the lamp and sure enough a genie comes out and asks the bartender what he would like to wish for. The bartender says, "I want a million bucks."

A few minutes later a duck walks into the bar followed by more and more ducks. Pretty soon the bar is overrun with ducks. The bartender says, "Hay, is this genie hard of hearing? I didn't ask for a million ducks; I asked for a million bucks."

The guy says, "Ha, ha. Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 18, 2023, 09:10:24 AM
Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."
Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 19, 2023, 09:54:14 AM
I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a prostitute.
He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks.
So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says 'What the hell are you doing?'
I said 'Having sex with my wife.' He said 'I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife.'
and I said, 'Neither did I till you shined a light on her.'

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 20, 2023, 09:51:11 AM
A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.
So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.
The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 21, 2023, 10:11:39 AM
Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you're prepared for it?""I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.""I don't mean that," the deacon replied. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?""Oh sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 24, 2023, 09:17:02 AM
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies,

'I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well,' the cab driver says, 'I've always had a fantasy that a nun performs oral sex on me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that. First, you have to be single, and secondly, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!'

The nun says, 'OK, pull into the next alley.'

He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child, why are you crying?' says the nun.

'Forgive me sister, but I have sinned,' says the cabby. 'I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.'

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 25, 2023, 10:03:20 AM
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy scout and a pastor were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.

Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.

Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped, also.

The pastor looked at the little boy scout and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy scout handed the parachute back to the pastor and said "Not to worry, Preacher. 'The smartest man in the world' just jumped out with my back pack."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 25, 2023, 02:04:17 PM
A blond had recently dyed her hair brown, to get away from being made fun of for being blond.

One day she was driving down a country lane and saw a farm with lots of sheep, and she became enamored by the thought of having a big fluffy sheep as her own. She drove up the long drive to the farm house and knocked on the door. When the farmer answered she asked him a question.

Sir, if I can guess how many sheep you have, would you give me one of the baby sheep as my own?

The farmer scratches his head, and thinking how impossible it would be as he had hundreds of sheep agreed.

Well the lady spends a couple hours walking around ostensibly counting sheep, and as the sun is setting, knocked on the door again.

Well sir, I've counted and counted sheep, and by my estimate you have 875 sheep, not including the babies.

The farmer, amazed, because he'd checked his paperwork and did Indeed that many adult sheep.

He agreed, and she went down to the nearest paddock, and picked up the fluffiest, cutest animal she could.

As she was getting into her car to leave, the farmer hollered out to her.

Hey miss, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my sheep dog back?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 26, 2023, 10:24:05 AM
An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."
POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"
The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 27, 2023, 09:29:35 AM
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Mike Mitchell on November 28, 2023, 06:22:34 AM
Quote from: Cruncher Pete on November 27, 2023, 09:29:35 AMcdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?


That doesn't seem to work for the dyslexic.  :banghead
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 28, 2023, 09:42:41 AM
A couple met at Myrtle Beach and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue their relationship after their vacations were over.

"It's only fair to warn you, Linda," he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live...eat...sleep...and breathe golf."

"Well,..." Linda said, "Since you're being honest, so will I. You see, I'm a hooker."

"I see," he said pensively. Then, he smiled and said..."It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 29, 2023, 10:27:33 AM
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"

Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did."

She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"


Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"

Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says.

"Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on November 30, 2023, 10:35:40 AM
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says: "We've got to give it back".
She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home.
One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
She says: "No"..
The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the policemen sit the man down & begin to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
At this, the policeman looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 01, 2023, 09:49:43 AM
A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life. One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!" So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision..
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 02, 2023, 09:45:37 AM
One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said,
"I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.
The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."   


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 03, 2023, 09:49:09 AM
Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."
"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."
Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling'?"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 04, 2023, 10:35:41 AM
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."

Read more on page: https://jokesoftheday.net/jokes-archive/2022/12/11/
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 05, 2023, 09:06:30 AM
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 06, 2023, 10:05:12 AM
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 07, 2023, 09:09:39 AM
A Canadian tourist is fascinated by the Native American way of life and culture, so he decides to visit a reservation in the United States to find out more.
After a long and dusty drive through the Arizona desert, he finally arrives at the reservation.
Soon after his arrival, the tourist meets an old chief, who claims to remember everything that ever happened in his life.
The tourist is curious and asks the chief: "What did you have for breakfast on your fifth birthday?"Without hesitation, the chief replies: "eggs".
The tourist was very impressed by this, and he never forgot the chief's words, even after his visit had long since ended.
Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again.
He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with "how".
"Scrambled," the old chief replied.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 08, 2023, 07:11:58 AM
Why is the Grinch such a good gardener?
He has a green thumb.
What type of key do you need to put on a Nativity play?
A don-key.
Who is the only one to not eat at Christmas dinner?
The turkey, it's always stuffed!
Why was the advent calendar afraid?
Its days were numbered!
What's the best present to receive?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it.
What's a dog's favorite Christmas song?
Bark, the Herald Angels Sing.
What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful.
How can you tell that Santa is real?
You can always sense his presents.
What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nick-less.
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Beyon-sleigh.
What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
Santa-tizer.
What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing, it was on the house.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 09, 2023, 10:48:34 AM
A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said the man.
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 10, 2023, 08:46:58 AM
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.""Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."She responds, "Well, let's see if you qualify. #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying."My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?""Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."-

/ (https://jokesoftheday.net/jokes-archive/2023/12/09/)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 11, 2023, 10:47:22 AM
John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional."

A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".

A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 12, 2023, 09:01:56 AM
These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Raleigh until early Monday morning.


Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.

They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldnÂ't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 13, 2023, 08:47:05 AM
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says,"This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled.All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 14, 2023, 08:43:27 AM
Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.

Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.

Patty looked in the mirror and said,"You dummy, it's me!



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 15, 2023, 08:46:16 AM
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies Mitch noticed a priest who stepped onto the track and blessed the forehead of one horse lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse--a very long shot--won the race.Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest as the old priest stepped onto the track again. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate, the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one horse.Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued, the priest kept blessing long-shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the priest's blessing to tell him which horse to bet on.True to his habit, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.He then watched, dumbfounded, as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long, you blessed horses and they all won. Then, in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings--all of it!"The priest nodded wisely and, with sympathy, said, "Son, that's the problem with you Protestants. You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."-
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 16, 2023, 09:37:14 AM
One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my brother is gay."

The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guys says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.

The bartender asks why.

The guy says, "I found out my other brother is gay."

The bartender says, "Doesn't anyone like pussy anymore?"

The guy says, "Yeah, my sister."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 17, 2023, 09:51:48 AM
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an green envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Mariel and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Mariel said that we will be very happy.
Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Mariel taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Mariel can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Tom
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 18, 2023, 09:26:29 AM
There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 19, 2023, 09:35:56 AM
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue."


The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a great time! Today I am taking them to the beach."



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 20, 2023, 11:37:02 AM
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 21, 2023, 10:16:23 AM
A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared, ready to devour the man whole. The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, "Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion." A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion. The lion then drops to his knees, looks up to heavens and prays, "Dear God, bless you for this food I'm about to receive."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 22, 2023, 09:10:54 AM
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."    



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 23, 2023, 09:08:52 AM
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door..
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.."    

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 24, 2023, 11:11:30 AM
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!'
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.'
The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'.
So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'.
The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!'

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 25, 2023, 09:27:49 AM
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures. Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?" Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."


Merry Christmas to all. Hope you all get a nice Chrissy present like a new computer like I did.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 26, 2023, 10:08:56 AM
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returnedSince Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm becoming Catholic."-
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 27, 2023, 09:05:04 AM
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:


Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ryzenmulti on December 27, 2023, 09:07:09 AM
These jokes are gold Pete! Keep them coming ... don't know how you find them all. :))
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 29, 2023, 09:20:00 AM
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer."The curlers are on me."-


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 30, 2023, 10:16:35 AM
George, who was 70-years-old, went for his annual physical. All of his test results came back normal. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are real tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF the light goes on when I pee, and then POOF the light goes off when I'm done.""Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, POOF the light goes on in the bathroom, and then POOF it goes off when he's done?"Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"-

/ (https://jokesoftheday.net/jokes-archive/2023/12/29/)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on December 31, 2023, 08:40:48 AM
A Jesuit was out for a drive and crashed into another car, only to discover that the other driver was a Franciscan."It was my fault," each insisted—as is only right and proper with religious men.Concerned, the Jesuit said, "You look badly shaken up, Father. You could probably use a good stiff drink right now to calm down."He produced a flask and the Franciscan drank from it and said, "Thank you, Father; I feel much better now. But you're probably shaken up too. Why don't you have a drink as well?" "I will," the Jesuit replied, "but I think I'll wait until after the police have come."


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 01, 2024, 09:44:11 AM
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

/ (https://jokesoftheday.net/jokes-archive/2023/12/31/)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 02, 2024, 10:21:45 AM
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 03, 2024, 08:37:04 AM
A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."



/ (https://jokesoftheday.net/jokes-archive/2024/01/02/)
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 04, 2024, 06:39:28 AM
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, PULLOVER!"

"NO," the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 05, 2024, 06:11:30 AM
Mr. Johnson was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
He said, I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.
When Mr. Johnson returned, he shocked the doctor by having dropped almost twenty pounds.
Why, that's amazing! the doctor told him. You did this just by following my instructions?
The slimmed down Mr. Johnson nodded. I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.
From hunger, you mean.
No, replied Mr. Johnson, from skipping.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 06, 2024, 09:49:04 AM
A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 07, 2024, 08:31:34 AM
The construction foreman ordered one of his men to dig a hole 8 feet deep. But after the job was done, the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered the worker.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

"Honestly!" the foreman snorted. "The kind of help I get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 08, 2024, 08:48:59 AM
A young man wanted to buy a pair of expensive gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. He went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered along with a note he had written. Unfortunately, the clerk mixed up the order while wrapping the merchandise. Instead of the expensive gloves, the clerk accidentally wrapped a pair of panties and sent them to the young man's sweetheart along with the following note which he had written.

Darling:
I have been trying desperately to come up with a special gift for your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but since your sister wears the short ones which are so easy to remove, I wanted to get the same style for you.

You may be concerned that these are a delicate shade, however, the saleslady showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. She said that there are a couple of important care considerations that I should mention to you. First, when you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away since they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Second, be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so that they won't shrink.

The saleslady made such an impression upon me that I had her try them on for me. She really looked great in them and I can just imagine how great they are going to look on you. I decided to mail these so that you would have them in time for your birthday. I really hesitated because I wanted so much to be there to watch you put them on for the first time. There is little doubt in my mind that many other hands will have touched them before I see you again. I can hardly wait to run my own hands over them or do as the French do, and gently kiss them. I hope you really like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 09, 2024, 08:57:30 AM
A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do.
Little Mary went first,

"My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives"

"That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?"

"My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail," says Jane

"Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?"

"My daddy is dead" says Johnny

"Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny," said the teacher, "what did he do before he died?"

"He turned blue and shit on the carpet"

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 10, 2024, 10:06:15 AM
Two nuns were walking home one night down a very dark street. One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning. They soon noticed that a man was following them. They would speed up, and he would speed up. They would stop, and he would stop. Sister Mathematical started to become afraid. "Oh dear...this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now! What does he want?" "It's only logical," Sister Logical replied. "He wants to have his way with us." "Oh dear God!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them. "In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!" Sister Mathematical shrieked. "What do we do?" "Oh, that's logical," Sister Logical said calmly. "You and I will have to split up. You run one way to the convent, and I will join you there." Without asking another question, the nuns split up. Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical. A few minutes after Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered. "Sister, I am so glad to see you," Sister Mathematical gasped. "It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home. I was so worried! How in heaven's name did you escape?" "Oh that's logical," Sister Logical began, catching her breath. "He got to me and grabbed me. I knew what he wanted. So, I pulled up my habit." "Oh dear, Sister. Then what?" "He pulled down his pants....""Oh, Sister...!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. "Then what happened?!" "Well, that's logical," Sister Logical explained. "A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!"-

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 11, 2024, 09:43:56 AM
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 12, 2024, 09:24:04 AM
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River looking across at the Promised Land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he assured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally, according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

Finally, George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking of all his sins that were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river, and the water was only up to his ankles.

He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore. Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"

Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 13, 2024, 10:17:48 AM
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?' The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.'

So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'

The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'

The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'

The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, 'Hard to fool them flies though...

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 14, 2024, 09:23:24 AM
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."     



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 15, 2024, 07:27:30 AM
It's late, the bartender and a guy are the only ones left in the bar. The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?" The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "ok, show me." The guy spits and makes it in the glass without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender say, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!"
The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if I can do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would you give me $100? The bartender agrees, and the guys spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else.

The evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks a bunch of glasses all over the bar. He then says to the guy, "if you can spit in all of these glasses at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you $200" The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready" So after a minute, the guy comes up, and procceds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 16, 2024, 07:23:44 AM
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 18, 2024, 09:26:00 AM
Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, "A round of drinks for me and my friends."
They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink.

The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again.

Again, the blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means.

The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 19, 2024, 09:30:01 AM
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. Thetraffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at arate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving sofast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the nextday he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got todo something about these drivers. The 'schoolcrossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the countyworkers and they put up a newsign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John calledand called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked thesheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the FarmerJohn do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday tocomplain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided togive Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did youput up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killedsince then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thoughtto himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... itmight be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriffdrove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw thesign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 20, 2024, 03:23:23 AM
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.  The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven.

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 21, 2024, 10:00:57 AM
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough totake the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning FarmerJoe. "Didn't you say, 'I'm fine', at the scene of the accident?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for a long, drawn-out story," the lawyer interrupted,"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and Iwas driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establishthe fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the HighwayPatrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks afterthe accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer andsaid to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had justloaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving herdown the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign andsmacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown intothe other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I couldhear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shapejust by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. Hecould hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After helooked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, hecame across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, 'Yourmule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 22, 2024, 07:10:32 AM
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 23, 2024, 08:23:23 AM
A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary, so he bought her a $100 see-through nightie.
That night, she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightie was still in its box downstairs.

Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said: "Jesus, for $100 they could've at least ironed it!"

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 24, 2024, 08:36:13 AM
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.

Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.

The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.

He does all his tricks over a gain, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 26, 2024, 09:46:37 AM
A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints.
The doctor speaks to the man's wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he'll probably live another 20 years."
She returns to her husband's side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?"
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 27, 2024, 09:59:46 AM
A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
'Darling, how I've missed you!'
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, 'Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!'



Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 28, 2024, 10:01:45 AM
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"But I always get it here," says the blonde.[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"Do you have the container it comes in?"[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"To apply, push up bottom."[/font]

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 29, 2024, 10:21:39 AM
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 30, 2024, 10:42:58 AM
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on January 31, 2024, 09:17:48 AM
A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".
The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 01, 2024, 09:24:17 AM
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ryzenmulti on February 03, 2024, 12:20:46 AM
There are 10 kinds of people in the world, but only half of them understand binary
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 03, 2024, 09:35:15 AM
A cute elderly couple, both in their 80s, paid a visit to a s*x therapist. The therapist warmly greeted them, saying, "You two make such a lovely couple. How can I assist you?"

The man responded, "Do you mind watching us have intercourse?" After a brief moment of contemplation, the therapist agreed, seeing no harm in the matter.

Once the couple finished their intimate session, the therapist gave them her evaluation, saying, "Your lovemaking was perfectly normal. No issues with either of your performances." With a friendly smile, she charged them her regular $90 and wished them a pleasant day.

Surprisingly, the couple returned the next week, repeating the same routine. In fact, this continued every Wednesday for six weeks straight. Each time, they would arrive, engage in their intimate act in front of the therapist, pay the fee, and leave.

After the sixth visit, the therapist couldn't contain her curiosity any longer. She asked, "Can I ask why you guys keep making appointments to see me? Especially since I never find anything to improve in your lovemaking habits."

Without missing a beat, the old man started to explain, "Well, you see, we can't do it at my place because my wife is there, and we can't do it at her place because her husband is there. And even the cheapest hotels charge $130 a night. But coming here only costs me $80."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 04, 2024, 09:36:07 AM
Mrs. Tyler, a science teacher in a 5th-grade class, posed the following question to her students, "Which part of the human body expands 8 times its size when stimulated?"
No one said anything until little Sarah jumped up and blurted out, "You're not supposed to ask us that kind of stuff! I'm gonna tell my parents, and they're gonna go straight to the principal!"
Unfazed by Sarah's protest, Mrs. Tyler repeated the question, "Which body part expands 8 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Sarah's jaw dropped, and she whispered to the kids nearby, "Oh wow, she's going to be in sooo much trouble!"
Disregarding Sarah's comments once again, Mrs. Tyler addressed the class once more, hoping for a response.
Finally, Cooper raises his hands, and says, "I think the body part that grows 8 times when stimulated is the pupil in your eyes."
Mrs. Tyler commended Cooper for his correct answer, then turned her attention to Sarah and said, "I have three things to say to you, missy. One, you clearly didn't read your homework. Two, you need to get your mind out of the gutter. And three, one day you'll be incredibly disappointed.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 09, 2024, 10:46:27 AM
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn't think anyone would stand up so she asked him, "Why did you stand up?" He answered, "I didn't want to leave you standing up by yourself."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 10, 2024, 09:12:48 AM
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 11, 2024, 09:24:55 AM
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn't think anyone would stand up so she asked him, "Why did you stand up?" He answered, "I didn't want to leave you standing up by yourself."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 12, 2024, 09:21:34 AM
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 13, 2024, 10:52:15 AM
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 14, 2024, 10:10:07 AM
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 15, 2024, 10:06:57 AM
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?" Man: "Yes!" Reporter: "Name?" Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim." Reporter: "Sex?" Man: "Three to five times a week." Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel." Reporter: "Holy cow!" Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general." Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?" Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." Reporter: "Oh dear!" Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 16, 2024, 09:33:06 AM
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 17, 2024, 10:41:54 AM
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."


Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 17, 2024, 02:29:50 PM
A circus had come to town and everyone was excited to see their latest addition, a trained elephant.This elephant was called Nuts and he would respond to any command as long as it was directed at him using his name.On the first night of the show the clowns did their funny routines, the trapeze artists soared through the air, a man was shot out of a cannon, and then the main act Nuts was brought out.Nuts proceeded to do whatever he was directed to."Lift up this log Nuts" said the trainer. He lifted the log up into the air."Walk around the ring Nuts". He walked in a circle around the ring."Lie down Nuts". He lay down on his side.After a few more commands it was building up to the finale."Stand up on your hind legs Nuts"The trainer then lay down on the ground in front of the elephant."Walk over me Nuts" was the next order.Nuts started to walk forward with his rear legs either side of the trainer.Then all of a sudden a snack vendor in the crowd selling his wares called out "Popcorn, ice cream, peaNuts"And he did as commanded.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 18, 2024, 08:21:20 AM
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 19, 2024, 09:13:00 AM
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 20, 2024, 10:01:09 AM
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 21, 2024, 08:47:20 AM
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 23, 2024, 09:29:05 AM
A Scottish guy wanted a donkey for his young son....he spotted an advert for one for sale so went along to have a look at it.When he got to the farm the farmer told him.'I'm really sorry...I'm afraid the donkey died last night'...'OK....so how much are yee asking for it'?'Sorry? I just told you it's dead'!'Aye...I heerd yee...so how much d'yee want fer it'?Very patiently the guy explains very slowly.'The....donkey...is ...dead'.'AYE...I heerd yee!...Look...I'll give yee £20.00 for it...noo is it a deal or no'?So the farmer asks ( as you might ).'what the hell are you going to do with a dead donkey'?'I'll sell it'!...'b..b...you can't sell a dead donkey'!'Watch me'.So he loads up the dead donkey and goes on his way.A month or so later the farmer bumped into the guy at the local market.'How did you get on with the Donkey'?'I did very well...I got over £6000.00 fer it'!'WHAT!? How the hell did you do that'!?'I sold raffle tickets at £10.00 each...I sold 650 of 'em'!'Sweet Jesus!...didn't anybody complain that the poor bugger was dead'?'Aye...the guy that won did...so I gave him a refund'.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 24, 2024, 09:27:33 AM
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Moshe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they all agreed that it would be a silent debate.On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other for a few minutes before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.Rabbi Moshe answered by raising one finger.Next, the Pope waved one finger around his head.Rabbi Moshe pointed down at the ground.Then the Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.The Rabbi pulled out an apple.On seeing that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, the Rabbi was too clever, and the Jews could stay.Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope to ask what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show that God is all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God is also right here with us. I pulled out the wine🍷and wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple 🍎 to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moshe to find out how he won the debate." I haven't a clue," said Moshe. "First, he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy. So I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, "We're staying right here.""And then what?" they asked."Who knows?" said Moshe. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 25, 2024, 10:00:37 AM
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs."Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the legend behind it.""You can keep the legend, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop."Ah, so you've come back to hear the legend of the rat," says the owner."No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 26, 2024, 10:23:18 AM
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers."We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers."Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens exclaimed.The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay.""Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 27, 2024, 09:51:13 AM
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating a British guy sitting across from him in the compartment, about Britain leaving Europe.

"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much and it is going to be worse now you are leaving the EU. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.

Look at me . . . . . I'm an 'all round' me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"

The British fellow lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses at the American and replies; "Well, that was terribly sporting of your mother!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 28, 2024, 08:11:00 AM
Three surgeons walk into a bar, and order three shots of tequila. The first, drinks his shot, slams his glass down, and says, "I'm celebrating...today is the fifth anniversary of the greatest surgery I ever performed. A man was sideswiped by a car, and had his arm torn off. I operated on him for six hours! And today...he's a major league pitcher!"The second surgeon drinks his shot and says, " well a few years back, a farmer fell into a combine and had his leg torn off at the knee. I worked on him for EIGHT hours...sewing back every tendon and ligament.And today...he's a world class sprinter!"The third surgeon drinks his shot, and proclaims, "about 2 years ago, a driver passed me on a narrow country road, lost control, drove through a fence, and into a pasture. He exited the car through the windshield, splattering his brains all over. I grabbed my bag, ran into the pasture, and started scooping up, pieces of his brain,grass, cow shit, and pieces of his skull. I rushed back to hospital, put him back together in only twenty minutes."And today...he's your PRESIDENT!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on February 29, 2024, 10:03:51 AM
An Englishman staggers, ashen-faced, into a roadside bar, demanding a large brandy. The barman is concerned."Well" says the man, "I was just driving along and my BMW suddenly gave up the ghost! So I cruised into the layby just along the road here, and opened the bonnet. But I have no idea how these modern cars work! I was about to call the Automobile Association when I saw two horses come up to the fence and peer at the engine. And one of them actually spoke! Clear as day! Couldn't believe my ears!""Oh, yes – what did it say?""Well, this is the extraordinary thing – it told me to press down on some bit of plastic until I heard a click. So I did that – and then this horse told me to try the engine – and it started immediately!""Ah," said the barman. "And tell me, what colour was this horse?""Colour? Colour? Whatever do you mean? The damn' thing spoke to me, clear as day! In fact, it was a brown horse!""Thought so," says the barman, polishing the next batch of glasses."Thought so? Didn't you hear what I was saying? This horse dam' well spoke to me!""Well", says the barman, "I thought it would be her. The white one knows nothing about BMW ignition systems!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 01, 2024, 10:55:47 AM
A proper Englishman, wandering the heaths of Scotland, walks into a pub."My good man," he says. "I hear you have 100 year-old Scotch. I would love a bit."The pub owner takes down a glass and pours an ounce.After a sip, the Englishman says, "Oh my. My dear fellow! That is 20 year-old Scotch! I am here for the 100 year-old!"The pub owner shakes his head, pulls another glass and bottle, and pours the libation.the Englishman takes a sip and declares: "Oh! No! That is 50 year-old Scotch. I want the 100 year-old one. You have it, haven't you?"The pub owner, now cowed, pulls down another glass and a dusty bottle. He wipes off the bottle and pours it into the glass.The Englishman takes a sip and sighs. "Ah. Now that's the right stuff! Glorious!"The man next to him nudges him and points to the glass he has pushed over."Try that!"The Englishman takes a sip and spits it out. "Plah! That's piss!"The man replies: "Now tell me how old I am!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 02, 2024, 09:20:07 AM
A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.""But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?""Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 04, 2024, 09:48:28 AM
A father takes his young son out for a walk. On the way, they saw 2 dogs doing it in a yard. The son was shocked and asked, "Dad! What are they doing?!?" The father said, "Well, son, theyre making puppies." The boy nodded and they continued on their way.Some time after they got home, the boy went looking for his dad. He heard a sound coming from his parent's room, so he went upstairs to their room and opened the door. There he saw his mom and dad in bed making love.He was shocked and asked, "Dad! What are you guys doing?!?" His father answered, "Well son, we're making babies."The boy nodded and said, "Ah! Well can you please turn her over? I want a puppy!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 05, 2024, 10:27:11 PM
There was a convention for brewers and brew masters from around the world attended. At the end of the convention a few of the brew masters decided to head to the local tavern together. They arrived and once seated at the bar, the bartender came around to take their orders.The first to order was the brew master from Budweiser. He tells the bartender, "I'll have the king of beers! One Budweiser please."The second was the brew master from Coors. He tells the bartender, "I'll have the only beer brewed with pure Rocky Mountain spring water! One Coors please."The third was the brew master from Miller. He tells the bartender, "I'll have the champagne of beers!. One Miller please."The forth was the brew master from Guinness. He tells the bartender, "I'll have a Coke."The other brew masters look at him astonished. "Aren't you going to order a Guinness?" one of them asks.The brew master from Guinness replies, "I figured if none of you were going to drink beer, I wouldn't either."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: ryzenmulti on March 06, 2024, 05:44:10 AM
I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days....... all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 09, 2024, 09:11:09 AM
Two brothers immigrate from Ireland to the U.S.A. bringing with them a bottle of fine Irish Whiskey. They keep the bottle for years and somehow never find an occasion special enough to open this special bottle of fine Irish Whiskey.Finally one of brothers is on his death bed and he asks his bother :"Micheal, remember that bottle of fine Irish Whiskey we carried over from the Old County?"His brother answered:"Yes Patrick, I still have it put away in my cupboard''Patrick says:"When I go would you have the heart to pour that bottle of fine Irish Whiskey over my grave''Micheal says:" Of course I would my brother but one question. Would you mind terribly if I pass it though me kidneys first? ''
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 10, 2024, 10:48:47 AM
A cowboy rides into the high street of a Western town and finds it deserted. He hitches his horse to the rail outside the saloon and goes in.The barman is polishing glasses behind the bar."Hi" says the cowboy "mighty quiet in town""Yup" says the barman "Everybody's at the hanging""The hanging?" says the cowboy "Who they hanging?""They're hanging Brown Paper Pete"Said the barman"Oh, why do you call him that?""Well"Said the barman,"His shirt is made of brown paper, this chaps are made of brown paper, and his favourite hat is made of brown paper""I see!"Said the cowboy"What are they hanging him for?" ..."Rustling"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 12, 2024, 10:56:44 AM
Many years ago a man decided it was time to introduce his young son to an authentic pirate. So they walked along the local docks past all the sloops moored there until they saw a swarthy gent that looked every ounce a pirate.Excuse me, said the man. I notice that you have a black eye patch, a peg leg and a hook for a hand. Are you a real pirate? You bet I am answered the pirate proudly.Well, could you tell my son how you lost your leg? You bet, answered the pirate. Years ago I fell overboard in rough seas and before I could be pulled aboard a giant shark nipped my leg clean off. Well, I had our doc carve me a wooden peg leg that I've worn for over 25 years now.Wow! Said the man. And can you tell us how you lost you hand? Sure, said the pirate proudly. It was during a broadside by a British frigate and a a cannon ball just cut it off as neat as could be. Again 'ol doc fashioned me this swell iron hook that I been using ever since. Amazing! And how did you lose your eye?That was really a damn shame, continued the pirate. One day I glanced up at the yard-arm and damned if a sea gull didn't shit right in my eye.And that blinded you, asked the man skeptically?No, answered the pirate. But it was me first day with the hook.
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 13, 2024, 09:30:55 AM
Two brothers wake up one morning and decided they were mature and needed to show it. So they decided to cuss in front of their parents. The older brother told the younger to use the word "damn" and he'd use "hell".They go downstairs for breakfast and mom asks the younger what he would like."I guess I'll have some damn Toasties," he says.Mom whales into him and then grounds him for a week. She then turns to the older son and says "Now what do you want smarty?"The older brother looks at the younger, still smarting and decrying his week-long punishment. He looks at his mom then looks back again at his brother and says:"Well I sure as hell don't want any Toasties!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 14, 2024, 09:33:59 AM
A preacher, a boy scout, and a top-notch engineer are on a small plane traveling across the country.The plane runs out of fuel and is plummeting towards the ground.There are three parachutes.The pilot grabs one of the chutes and says, "Well, you have to decide who gets the other two because I'm out of here," and he jumps out with his chute.The engineer grabs a pack and says "I'm the smartest man in the world. The world needs me!"You two decide who gets the last one. He jumps out of the plane.The preacher looks at the boy scout and says, "I've lived a long and good life. You have your whole life ahead of you — you take the last parachute."The boy scout looks up at the priest and says, "Not to worry Father. The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 15, 2024, 10:14:40 PM
An American goes to Mexico on business. From his hotel room, he hears the shouting of excited fans from the bullring across the street. That evening, he has a meal in the hotel dining room.As he is finishing, he notices waiters arriving at a nearby table &, with great dignity, setting before a well-dressed gentleman a huge dish of savory meat & vegetables. The American can smell the alluring dish from where he is sitting.He summons the maitre d' & says, "I will be here for a week and tomorrow I'd like to order what that fellow is feasting on. What is it called, may I ask?"The maitre d' makes a sorrowful face & explains:"I am so sorry, senor, but that is a very special dish that we can serve only once per week, after the day of the bullfighting The key ingredient is obtained by special arrangement. It is, mmm...a lavish stew based on the private parts of the slain bull.""Oh, what a pity," said the American. "I'd like to try that. It looks & smells absolutely fabulous."Then the guest brightened."Say, I'll still be here for next week's bullfight. Can I order ahead?"Again the maitre d' looked sorrowful."Alas, that dish is so popular that we are booked ahead for many months.""Well, I have to return to Mexico every few months & can pretty much set my own schedule," the disappointed gourmet responded. "When is your next available opening?"The maitre d' opened a massive calendar book & searched a few moments. An opening was found & scheduled. The happy guest went back to his room, anticipating his return almost a year later.It seemed forever, but eventually the day came. The American sat at the dining room's best table & was served all the preliminaries graciously. Finally the coveted entre arrived. It smelled & tasted every bit as delicious as he expected, just like what he had dreamed of for a year. Except for one aspect."Thank you, ever so much," he told the maitre d'. "This is everything I dreamed of. The flavor, the aroma, the presentation — everything 5-star! I do have one question. Not a complaint. Just wondering. Maybe it's just my faulty memory, but as I recall, the entre last year looked much larger."The obviously embarrassed maitre d' shrugged & said:"Well, senor, sometimes the bull wins."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 16, 2024, 10:38:32 AM
A psychiatrist has twin boys, one an optimist and the other a pessimist. He wanted to know how far these personality traits would go, so on Christmas morning, he filled up the pessimist's room with toys. Then, he filled up the optimist's room with manure.That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying."What's wrong?" the father asked."I have a ton of game manuals to read... I need batteries... and my toys will all eventually get broken!" sobbed the pessimist.Passing the optimist's room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. "Why are you so happy?" he asked.The optimist shouted, "Daddy, with all this shit, there's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 17, 2024, 10:35:09 AM
So James Bond gets killed on his last mission and MI6 are desperately looking for a replacement to fill his shoes. Word goes out to the navy, army, RAF and SAS for them to send over their 'best of the best' so they can be put through a series of tests, to see who could fit the bill.

On the big day, hundreds of men turn up to be tested, all wanting to prove themselves worthy to be called 008. Anyway, after being put through loads of gruelling and physically demanding tests, all but 3 were eliminated, one English man, one Scottish man and one Irish man.

The 3 of them are told that they have just one more test to perform, and this will decide who gets the position.

They call in the English man first. The test coordinator hands him a gun and says, "This test is simple. You are to take this gun and kill the person who is in the room behind the door"

The English man, without hesitation, takes the gun, opens the door and goes into the room. A few seconds later he comes out and says to the coordinator, "That's my wife in there! Surely you don't expect me to kill my own wife!"

The coordinator replies, "It's a simple order. If you can't do it, then your not the man we're looking for!"

With that, the English man hands back the gun and walks out in a huff.

The coordinator then called in the Scottish man. The test coordinator hands him a gun and says, "This test is simple. You are to take this gun and kill the person who is in the room behind the door"

The Scottish man, without hesitation, takes the gun, opens the door and goes into the room. A few seconds later he comes out and says to the coordinator, "That's my wife in there! Surely you don't expect me to kill my own wife!"

The coordinator replies, "It's a simple order. If you can't do it, then your not the man we're looking for!"

With that, the Scottish man hands back the gun and walks out in a huff.

Next it's the Irish man's turn. The test coordinator hands him a gun and says, "This test is simple. You are to take this gun and kill the person who is in the room behind the door"

The Irish man, without hesitation, takes the gun, opens the door and goes into the room. The coordinator, listening behind the door, hears several gun shots. Then there is a moment of silence, followed by a loud commotion of shouting, fighting, banging and crashing. Eventually the Irish man walks out, covered in cuts and bruises, and quietly hands the gun back to the coordinator.

"What the hell happened in there?" asks the coordinator.

The Irish man replies, "Some joker loaded the gun with blanks, so I had no choice but to beat her to death!"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 19, 2024, 10:14:25 AM
A married guy goes to the confessional and tells the priest that he's not been faithful to his wife."So, who is it really?""Pardon, Father?""Was it Alena?""No, Father.""Was it Meredith?""No, Father.""Gabriella?""No.""Okay, just say a couple of Our Fathers and Hail Marys."After he's done, the guy goes out to his friend who asks, "How did it go?""Quite well, actually! I got two Our Fathers, two Hail Marys and three great leads."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 19, 2024, 09:07:30 PM
Two old ladies were chatting over the fence. Mrs Smith says, "you'll never guess what happened last week... I was in the kitchen, making the Sunday dinner, and I sent Mr Smith to the allotment for a cabbage to go with the dinner. But when he was pulling it out of the ground, he keeled over and died of a heart attack!"Mrs Jones says, "Goodness me! That is absolutely awful. Poor Mr Smith. What did you do?"Mrs Smith says, "I opened a tin of peas".
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 20, 2024, 09:59:12 AM
There once was a blond who was so sick and tired of hearing dumb blond jokes that she decided to have her hair styed and dyed Raven black. She was so impressed with the results and it was such a beautiful day that she decided to treat herself to a long drive through the country in her convertible with the top down.As she was rounding a big bend in the road, she caught sight of this tall grass-covered hillside up ahead. As she drew closer, she spied a flock of sheep grazing on the hill. She pulled her car off the road, got out and began hiking up the hill amidst the flock of sheep. When she reached to top of the hill, she met a shepherd tending his flock."Sir?" she asked him. "Your sheep are just so cute and fluffy! If I can guess exactly how many sheep you have, can I pick one out and take it home as a pet?"The shepherd thought it over and, figuring the odds were in his favor, replied," Sure lady. Go right ahead. Guess away."The woman smiled and said, "You have exactly 346 sheep!"The shepherd's eyes bugged out and a look of shock appeared on his face. After a moment he finally said, "You're right." He sighed and then went on, "Okay. A deal's a deal. Go pick out your new pet."The woman wandered off and then returned with her selection saying, "This is it! I pick this sheep!"The shepherd looked at the sheep, then looked back at her and said..."Lady, if I can guess your original hair color, can I have my dog back?"
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 21, 2024, 10:55:02 AM
One day Jesus decided to stroll down to the Pearly Gates. No sooner did he get there than St. Peter exclaimed, "Oh, I'm so glad you're here, I need to go to the bathroom bad! Watch the Gates for me, will you?""But what am I supposed to do if someone comes?" Jesus asked."Have them fill out the intake sheet," Peter said, pointing to his lectern. "I gotta run — 'bye!""But —" Jesus said, too late; Peter was out of earshot. Jesus was studying the intake sheet when he saw an old man tentatively approaching the Gates. "Welcome to Heaven, sir!" he said.The old man stared. "Heaven — is it true? I'm in heaven?" he whispered. When Jesus nodded, the old man dropped to his knees and said, "Oh, how wonderful! Maybe now I can finally find my son!"Jesus helped him to his feet and said, "I'll be happy to let you in, but first I need to get some information from you so we know where to put you. Now, while you were on earth, what did you do for a living?""I was a carpenter," the old man replied.Jesus was struck by the coincidence, but made a note on the intake sheet and moved on to the next question. "About your family — you say you have, or had, a son, and you believe he's here already, is that correct?""Well, I don't know for sure," the old man said. "We went our separate ways a long time ago, and I heard that he died. But he was a very good son, so I know that if he died, he'll be here."Moved with pity for the old man, Jesus replied, "If he is here, we'll certainly help you find him. Can you give us a description of him?" To which the old man replied, "Oh, he'll be easy for you to recognize: he has nail holes in his hands and feet."Carpenter, good man, separated from family, nail holes — Jesus stared at the old man, dropped his pen and paper, thrust out his hands, and cried, "Papa!!!"And the old man, tears in his own eyes, thrust out his hands and cried, "Pinocchio!!!"
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Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 22, 2024, 09:32:28 AM
Joe and Jim, we're neighbouring farmers in Somerset. Their farms bordered each side of a country lane and they met for a break each morning to have a ploughman's lunch. They took turns as hosts at small tables in their sheds.It was Joe's turn to host. A sunny morning, warm but not too hot, he brought his small table out, crockery, cutlery and food. They sat down in the middle of the lane and tucked into their food.Jon, a teenage driver, was trying out his dad's sports car taking country bends as fast as he could. He got round a bend and saw the farmers sitting in the middle of the road. He swerved off the road smashing and completely demolishing Joe's shed.The farmers looked on in astonishment. Joe turned to Jim and said, " Arr 'eck, it were a good job we wuz out 'ere else we'd be dedans."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 23, 2024, 09:10:13 AM
Pat Murphy and his two mates Mike and Fred were helping to build the Empire State Building. For about the last month they'd been complaining about always getting the same thing for their lunch. Mike and Fred said they'd asked their wives for something different now and again but nothing changed. Sitting high up on the building's framework one day they opened their lunchboxes hoping to see something different. "Bloody hell," said Mike, "this is past a joke, bloody cheese and marmite sandwiches again, l've had it," and he jumped off to his death. Fred opened his box and yelled," oh, my bloody godfather, mutton and pickles again, l've had a gutsful of this," and he jumped off. Pat gingerly opened his box and saw one sandwich with a dried up potato patty in it. He said to himself," oh my God, not again, l can't eat another one of these," and jumped off to his death. At the funerals the three widows were talking about the situation and Mike's widow said, " l didn't think it was so serious, l was going to put something different in Mike's lunch next week." Fred's widow said, " l didn't think Fred was in such a hurry for a change in his lunch, if l'd realized that l would have changed it the next day." Pat's widow had a look of bewilderment on her face when she said, " l can't understand Pat, he's been making his own lunches for years."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 25, 2024, 09:45:18 AM
A Texan ranch owner was in the UK and visited a local pub in a sheep farming area of Yorkshire. He struck up a conversation with a sheep farmer in the pub. After a bit of chit chat, the Texan asked the Yorkshireman a question. The conversation went thus:Texan - "So, how long does it take you to go from one end of your farm to the other".Yorkshireman – "about 3 hours to walk from one end to the other"Texan – "If I get in my car to drive from one end of my ranch to the other, it'll take me a day"Yorkshireman, after some pause for thought – "Aye, I used to have a car like that."
Title: Re: Humor
Post by: Cruncher Pete on March 29, 2024, 09:53:32 AM
A very awful man died and was sent to Hell.Satan met him and welcomed him. "Despite what you've heard, this place is not so bad," he purred. "You have choices. Let me show you."He took the man to a corridor with three doors. The man looked in the small window of the first door. Inside he could see people up to their necks in human feces. They were writhing, moaning, and throwing up from the stench.The man was unsure. "That doesn't look so good. Can I see the next room?""Of course!" Satan led him to the next door. Through the window, he saw people up to their waists in excrement. They were also throwing up and miserable."I don't know, " said the man. "Can I see the third room?""But of course!" Satan crooned. He led him to the third door. The man saw people standing in human feces up to their knees. However, this group was having cake and coffee and smiling.The man was relieved. "This room looks the best. I'll go in here," he told Satan."As you wish, sir. Welcome to Eternity." Satan let him into the room.The people inside welcomed him and gave him a piece of cake and some coffee. The man was happy with his choice.Suddenly, a klaxon sounded. Over the intercom, a voice said, "Okay, everyone. Break's over. Back on your heads!"