R U OK DAY 2020

[chooka03]

R U Ok day is coming up next week, 10th of September.

https://www.ruok.org.au/

We have had 2 suicides in 2 years at my workplace. That's out of 100 people. One guy I worked with for 10 years. I'd chat to him about his kids (grown up) and other stuff every day at the bundy clock. Both of these guys ended their lives at home. I never would have thought William was that depressed when I saw him each day at work. The other gentleman I didn't know as well so can't comment on.

As a suffer of depression myself in the past (I'm only in denial now  ), talking to someone can help.

Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's the people around that carry a heavy heart when someone chooses to exit life that way.

Take care and take the time to ask people, are you ok?

Crunch on brothers & sisters.

[kashi]

Thanks for posting this chooka. Quite a few of my sisters commit suicide each year in Australia, R.I.P. Emily Core just this week. And many more overseas, much more likely to than other marginalised groups.

COVID-19 restrictions may destroy me, I can't speak of that but my doc knows anyway which is why she implanted double power-ups last time. Stabilise dopamine, turbocharge serotonin, remain in light! So I'm not ready for the big green needle yet, "It's not dark yet but it's gettin' there."

Bob Dylan - Not Dark Yet

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mbqftvFYdXU

[jave808]

When I was was much younger, 23 I think, I was very depressed and made a feeble suicide attempt. BUT, luckily it didn't happen. I am in a much better place now and I'm glad my attempt didn't succeed.

[turbo0]

Sounds strange but BOINC has actually been there for me at some of my darkest moments. Seems strange but the ability to distract yourself, invest energy into helping others, engage in a non judgemental community can actually be life saving. I think since Joining in 2006 its something that has been a solid foundation when you need something positive to focus on.

[NudgeyNR]

Suicide is NEVER the last resort. For me it is just giving up, instead of trying to better yourself, be there for yourself, family and friends and live life to it's fullest. There is always help readily available.

[kashi]

Yes I agree turbo0, BOINC, this forum and some others were for many years almost my only regular contact with others outside the house when I lived in virtual hikikomori mode. Dysphoria caused increasing social discomfort and withdrawal. Contributing to BOINC and collecting records were my only hobbies. Only time I left the house was mainly to take my mum to the doctor, go to the dentist every few years or during a week each year when my friend visited from Thailand. He will no longer talk to me since I commenced transitioning last year which is sad for him as we've known each other for 54 years.

I miss my mum a lot but it was a relief in a way when she finally died after so much pain. It was extremely stressful seeing her treatment in the nursing home the last year of her life. Quite heartbreaking when she kept asking us to take her home but we were unable to as she was not well enough. At least she finally got to meet the daughter she had wanted all those years ago. My name Rebecca is the one she had chosen if my first bedroom had been pink not blue.

Now I go out every day, it's so much better. I've lost about 23kg and joined a gym. Plus I enjoy shopping for clothes and there's manicures, pedicures, eyebrow and other beauty treatments, that's all great fun. Overcoming the challenges of doing new things for the first time is very rewarding. You wouldn't believe just how anxious and embarrassed I was before my first genital electrolysis session, haha. It's not all easy and fun, some still stare at me as if I have two heads. I'm used to it though and either ignore it or smile back. Often don't even notice any more, just kind of tuned it out somehow. Most people are fine and many women are very accepting and helpful. Waking up the day after long electrolysis session with a giant trout pout was alarming the first time it happened but became almost ridiculously funny after subsequent visits:



Had surgery booked for September 15, would have been one of the last Supornistas! So continuing COVID-19 restrictions are pretty devastating for me. Already well past Suporn's usual 65 age limit, I'll be 67 soon, could develop some age related illness that puts the kybosh on my plans. Got my passport, had my travel shots, my new suitcase sits empty waiting in the loungeroom. Have even organised a date afterwards with Nikki the patient coordinator to have a huge ice cream sundae at Swensen's across the road.
Why Your Trans Friend is Freaking Out

Puberty at 66 is a wild ride but such a fantastic trip as I'm so much happier now because of the following:

Being able to fall asleep peacefully without beating myself up mentally every night lying awake half the night just wishing, hoping and praying. (Must admit however that 200mg of progesterone before bed really helps sleep too.)

Being able to freely and comfortably leave the house instead of hiding away like a sad hermit.

No longer needing alcohol and/or drugs to try and mask the pain.

Realising that there is nothing wrong with me mentally.

Becoming able to express emotion instead of being half dead emotionally.

Being able to talk to people so much easier and really enjoying it instead of being socially awkward. Even total strangers.

Becoming more loving, kind, tolerant and understanding.

Getting a little thrill when someone uses my new name and/or genders me correctly in public.

Becoming motivated to improve and maintain physical and mental health through diet, exercise, relaxation/meditation techniques.

Enjoying the changes to my body. Breasts!

Enjoying learning and discovering how my body/mind responds differently sexually.

Enjoying the acceptance and support of other women.

Although I'm not the same as them, they no longer see me as a potentially "threatening" male. So they talk to me about almost everything now, sometimes in great detail. Their boyfriends, girlfriends, husbands, children, parents, school, university, work, clothes, make-up, hair, puberty, cycle, pregnancies, PMS, menopause, HRT, feelings. Yes, even their sex lives. To me it seems a lot richer, supportive, less competitive and more open and sharing way to interact than the way men in Australia usually interact with each other. But then I'm so full of love hormones now, it's probably also the changes in me that's contributed to this wonderfully different way of relating.

After so long, I can actually feel happy just being alive, often as soon as I wake up. That really seems like a miracle to me. Oestradiol is the magic key that unlocked my mind and emotions. And added progesterone is just sweet, sweet icing on the cake.

Saw my local GP a few weeks ago. He checked my lungs with his stethoscope and yes finally said it: "Big breaths". I immediately replied: "Yeth, and I'm only thixty thix." Was met with a blank look, he's obviously too young to have heard that old joke or have watched Doctor at Large.
Ah well, at least I got to say it before my next birthday, it only works properly if you're 16 or 66. 

Rebecca

[Mick Lindsay]

kashi (Rebecca) enjoy your journey, we here at boinc@Australia are with you. You were a help to me back in 2010 by just chasing targets in the AAs.  Cheers Mick Lindsay

[Daniel]

After reading these posts I realise once again that I certainly picked the winning team when I joined BOINC@Australia.

What an amazing group of people I've found here.

Best wishes to everyone.

[chooka03]

Hi Kashi,

My cousin sounds in a similar position to you. (or maybe not...I don't know you well enough.. please I mean no offence by what i type here :) My cousin was born VERY prematurely, weighing only a few grams. The doctors didn't expect him to survive. Well he did and is now over 40 but his (sorry her) life has had many up's and downs. Male, female, unsure....... Ari (my cousin) has now settled on being female. Being a premi baby meant her male organs didn't develop properly which is why Ari is the person she is.
I think she has lost a few friends & family over the years. It can't of been easy for Ari but I still keep in close contact via Facebook. Family is important.

@Nudgey - "Suicide is NEVER the last resort. For me it is just giving up, instead of trying to better yourself, be there for yourself, family and friends and live life to it's fullest. There is always help readily available."

You are correct but as someone who nearly trod that path (like Jave I'm sooooooooooooooooo glad it never eventuated) you just see yourself as a burden on other people's lives and happiness. You talk yourself into believing that if you were no longer around, people would be happier instead of seeing your miserable face. It's really tough to change that mindset.
I had the foresight though to imagine what my passing would do to my parent. There's NO WAY I could make them feel like that! They love me as their only son!

In the end, I knew it was up to me to change my mindset and I managed to pull through. Today I have the best little son in the world and I'll never leave him!
You know, in one respect having gone through some depression will make me a stronger more knowledgeable person. I'll hopefully recognise the signs of trouble if genetics plays any part in my son's future. Having "been there" I feel better equipped to help :)

I've seen the great generosity of this team over the years and I'd like to reiterate that if anyone ever needs to chat, I'm only a few keyboard strokes away. This is the only life we get and sometimes we get too bogged down in the negative and forget the basics in life like listening to the rain or listening to birds sing or soar high above us. The simple things in life are often the greatest things. Not money, power, jobs etc.

Thanks for listening all 

[kashi]

kashi (Rebecca) enjoy your journey, we here at boinc@Australia are with you. You were a help to me back in 2010 by just chasing targets in the AAs.  Cheers Mick Lindsay

Thanks Mick.

Yep, been here a long time now. Here's a bit of nostalgia, the original message where Rocoll "poached" me from OCAU:

Hello Kasi

I've been a loyal member of OCAU for many years however I have recently moved to BOINC@AUSTRALIA which is a heap more fun.
No folding and a bunch of guys who talk about BOINC stuff.

Why don't you have a look and see? They'd appreciate you coming over with that enthusiasm of yours.

Rocoll, Dec 10, 2006

PS I've got nothing against Folding, done a bit since joining here, it's just in 2006 OCAU was totally obsessed with Folding to the near total exclusion of any BOINC crunching.

[kashi]

Hey chooka, thanks for your reply.

That's great that you keep in contact with your cousin Ari.

I have no diagnosed DSD (Disorder of Sexual Development), although my body type and development after puberty was certainly not very "manly". Puberty mastitis caused large areolas and nipples for a teenage "male" and a degree of gynecomastia, no male type body hair ever grew (no chest, arm, leg hair at all), no male type musculature, sparse facial hair. I was in denial for a long time but some could tell even though I presented fully male. The spiritual name I was given 40 years ago kasi (kashi) is female. Although it can be considered female or male in Indian society, it was definitely female in that ashram. Male names ended in "a" female in "i".

Some weird stuff happened at the ashram. Due to gynecomastia, general body shape and lack of male type body hair I was really anxious about having a shower with men present. So I started to have one much later when hopefully nobody was there. The 3nd day I was there 3 sannyasinis (female) came in when I was just stepping under the shower and said we're here to clean the showers. I said I'll come back later and one replied: "No that's OK, we knew you were here, have your shower, no men will come in now." I was fine having a shower in their presence, ordinary women no, but yoginis are different. They just smiled and got on with their cleaning. To this day I've never been able to work out exactly how they knew, suppose the name partly gave it to them. Who knows, maybe I looked more femme than I realised. Here's what I looked like at 16, haha.

[attachment deleted by admin]

[chooka03]

Hi Kashi,

Wow...thanks for sharing your photo! I love seeing old photos! Again though.... you look like my cousin at the same age. Fine featured :)
Hey... I couldn't grow a beard if I tried. I like to think.... I'm more evolved.  (No offence to anyone with a beard! :D)

Thank you for sharing your life with us Kashi. I love hearing about other people's lives & experiences. Its enriching