Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary, so he bought her a $100 see-through nightie.
That night, she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightie was still in its box downstairs.

Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said: "Jesus, for $100 they could've at least ironed it!"

[Cruncher Pete]

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.

Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.

The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.

He does all his tricks over a gain, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[Cruncher Pete]

A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints.
The doctor speaks to the man's wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he'll probably live another 20 years."
She returns to her husband's side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?"
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."

[Cruncher Pete]

A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
'Darling, how I've missed you!'
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, 'Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!'

[Cruncher Pete]

[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"But I always get it here," says the blonde.[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"Do you have the container it comes in?"[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"To apply, push up bottom."[/font]

[Cruncher Pete]

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

[Cruncher Pete]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

[Cruncher Pete]

A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".
The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

[Cruncher Pete]

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[ryzenmulti]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, but only half of them understand binary

[Cruncher Pete]

A cute elderly couple, both in their 80s, paid a visit to a s*x therapist. The therapist warmly greeted them, saying, "You two make such a lovely couple. How can I assist you?"

The man responded, "Do you mind watching us have intercourse?" After a brief moment of contemplation, the therapist agreed, seeing no harm in the matter.

Once the couple finished their intimate session, the therapist gave them her evaluation, saying, "Your lovemaking was perfectly normal. No issues with either of your performances." With a friendly smile, she charged them her regular $90 and wished them a pleasant day.

Surprisingly, the couple returned the next week, repeating the same routine. In fact, this continued every Wednesday for six weeks straight. Each time, they would arrive, engage in their intimate act in front of the therapist, pay the fee, and leave.

After the sixth visit, the therapist couldn't contain her curiosity any longer. She asked, "Can I ask why you guys keep making appointments to see me? Especially since I never find anything to improve in your lovemaking habits."

Without missing a beat, the old man started to explain, "Well, you see, we can't do it at my place because my wife is there, and we can't do it at her place because her husband is there. And even the cheapest hotels charge $130 a night. But coming here only costs me $80."

[Cruncher Pete]

Mrs. Tyler, a science teacher in a 5th-grade class, posed the following question to her students, "Which part of the human body expands 8 times its size when stimulated?"
No one said anything until little Sarah jumped up and blurted out, "You're not supposed to ask us that kind of stuff! I'm gonna tell my parents, and they're gonna go straight to the principal!"
Unfazed by Sarah's protest, Mrs. Tyler repeated the question, "Which body part expands 8 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Sarah's jaw dropped, and she whispered to the kids nearby, "Oh wow, she's going to be in sooo much trouble!"
Disregarding Sarah's comments once again, Mrs. Tyler addressed the class once more, hoping for a response.
Finally, Cooper raises his hands, and says, "I think the body part that grows 8 times when stimulated is the pupil in your eyes."
Mrs. Tyler commended Cooper for his correct answer, then turned her attention to Sarah and said, "I have three things to say to you, missy. One, you clearly didn't read your homework. Two, you need to get your mind out of the gutter. And three, one day you'll be incredibly disappointed.

[Cruncher Pete]

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn't think anyone would stand up so she asked him, "Why did you stand up?" He answered, "I didn't want to leave you standing up by yourself."

[Cruncher Pete]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

[Cruncher Pete]

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn't think anyone would stand up so she asked him, "Why did you stand up?" He answered, "I didn't want to leave you standing up by yourself."