News:

If you are a member of the Team on BOINC you still need to register on this forum to see the member posts.  The posts available for visitors are not posted to much by members.
 Remember to answer the questions when Registering and also you must be a active member of Team BOINC@AUSTRALIA on BOINC.

Main Menu

Humor

Started by Cruncher Pete, November 18, 2022, 03:33:55 PM

Previous topic - Next topic

Cruncher Pete

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

Cruncher Pete

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

Cruncher Pete

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

Cruncher Pete

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?" Man: "Yes!" Reporter: "Name?" Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim." Reporter: "Sex?" Man: "Three to five times a week." Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel." Reporter: "Holy cow!" Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general." Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?" Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." Reporter: "Oh dear!" Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

Cruncher Pete

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

Cruncher Pete

Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."



Cruncher Pete

A circus had come to town and everyone was excited to see their latest addition, a trained elephant.This elephant was called Nuts and he would respond to any command as long as it was directed at him using his name.On the first night of the show the clowns did their funny routines, the trapeze artists soared through the air, a man was shot out of a cannon, and then the main act Nuts was brought out.Nuts proceeded to do whatever he was directed to."Lift up this log Nuts" said the trainer. He lifted the log up into the air."Walk around the ring Nuts". He walked in a circle around the ring."Lie down Nuts". He lay down on his side.After a few more commands it was building up to the finale."Stand up on your hind legs Nuts"The trainer then lay down on the ground in front of the elephant."Walk over me Nuts" was the next order.Nuts started to walk forward with his rear legs either side of the trainer.Then all of a sudden a snack vendor in the crowd selling his wares called out "Popcorn, ice cream, peaNuts"And he did as commanded.

Cruncher Pete

There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.

Cruncher Pete

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Cruncher Pete

I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"

Cruncher Pete

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Cruncher Pete

A Scottish guy wanted a donkey for his young son....he spotted an advert for one for sale so went along to have a look at it.When he got to the farm the farmer told him.'I'm really sorry...I'm afraid the donkey died last night'...'OK....so how much are yee asking for it'?'Sorry? I just told you it's dead'!'Aye...I heerd yee...so how much d'yee want fer it'?Very patiently the guy explains very slowly.'The....donkey...is ...dead'.'AYE...I heerd yee!...Look...I'll give yee £20.00 for it...noo is it a deal or no'?So the farmer asks ( as you might ).'what the hell are you going to do with a dead donkey'?'I'll sell it'!...'b..b...you can't sell a dead donkey'!'Watch me'.So he loads up the dead donkey and goes on his way.A month or so later the farmer bumped into the guy at the local market.'How did you get on with the Donkey'?'I did very well...I got over £6000.00 fer it'!'WHAT!? How the hell did you do that'!?'I sold raffle tickets at £10.00 each...I sold 650 of 'em'!'Sweet Jesus!...didn't anybody complain that the poor bugger was dead'?'Aye...the guy that won did...so I gave him a refund'.

Cruncher Pete

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Moshe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they all agreed that it would be a silent debate.On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other for a few minutes before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.Rabbi Moshe answered by raising one finger.Next, the Pope waved one finger around his head.Rabbi Moshe pointed down at the ground.Then the Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.The Rabbi pulled out an apple.On seeing that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, the Rabbi was too clever, and the Jews could stay.Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope to ask what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show that God is all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God is also right here with us. I pulled out the wine🍷and wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple 🍎 to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moshe to find out how he won the debate." I haven't a clue," said Moshe. "First, he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy. So I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, "We're staying right here.""And then what?" they asked."Who knows?" said Moshe. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

Cruncher Pete

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs."Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the legend behind it.""You can keep the legend, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop."Ah, so you've come back to hear the legend of the rat," says the owner."No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
124.3K views
View 751 upvotes
View 9 shares
 

Cruncher Pete

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers."We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers."Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens exclaimed.The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay.""Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."