Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

A Yorkshire girl was leaving home to work in London. Her mum warned her about southerners and how they always try to rip off northerners. "They will try to charge you twice what something is worth so always pay half price!"On her first Saturday off she decided to have a look around the famous Camden market. As she looked around she sees a nice dress, " How much for the dress?" she asked. "£60" was the reply. " I'll give you £30" and a lengthy negotiation began. Eventually the trader reluctantly agreed to £30 "I'll give you £15!" Says our Yorkshire lass, and a more heated discussion takes place. " Okay,Okay £15 then" the trader gives in. "£7!" The girl demands! Even more heated debate and a crowd starts to gather.Giving up and nearly in tears the trader says "Look love, just take the dress, it's free." Our girl hardly needs a second to think " I'll take two! "

[Cruncher Pete]

A young lawyer, just starting out, defends prostitutes in court. One of the girls he gets acquitted is Sally. Sally has natural blonde hair, is quite boobacious, with legs that go on for milesOne evening the lawyer and his girlfriend are walking down the street when Sally sees them. She gives them a friendly wave and is dressed for business.The girlfriend looks at her and knows what Sally is.That hooker is looking at you and waving. How do you know her?I've met her, professionally.Really? Whose profession, yours or hers?

[Cruncher Pete]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are scaffolding workers eating their lunch. The Englishman opens his lunch box and cries out,"Bangers and Mash! I've had this every day for a month now. If I get bangers and mash again I'll throw myself into the street below."The Scotsman opens his lunch box and cries out,"Haggis! I've had this every day for a month now. If I get haggis again I'll throw myself into the street below."The Irishman opens his lunch box and cries out,"Potatoes! I've had them every day for a month now. If I get potatoes again I'll throw myself into the street below."The following day the Englishman opens his lunch box."Bangers and mash!" he shouts, and promptly jumps to his death.Then the Scotsman opens his lunch box."Haggis!" he shouts, and promptly jumps to his death.Then the Irishman opens his lunch box."Potatoes!" he shouts, and promptly jumps to his death.Later that day the site foreman meets with the bereaved widows of the three men and explains what happened."If I'd only known John didn't like bangers and mash every day," weeps the Englishman's widow."If I'd only known Andy didn't like haggis every day," weeps the Scotsman's widow."Don't look at me," say the Irishman's widow. "Paddy always makes his own lunch."

[Cruncher Pete]

Lord Marmaduke was doing his evening stroll around the deck of the Titanic. Suddenly, he saw an iceberg which tore a great hole in the starboard side of the ship. He said to himself, "We are doomed." He went to the bar and ordered a large whisky. The barman gave him two. He said, "I only asked for one". "Yes , my Lord," said the barman, "but, it is Happy Hour."

[Cruncher Pete]

One day a country pastor decided to close the church on a Sunday to go hunting. He puts a sign on the front door saying "gone hunting. See you next Sunday" he goes to the forest and gets nothing. Just as he's about to leave he sees a big grizzly bear. He says "Lord help me get this bear" he shoots and misses ticking the bear off and causing it to o chase the pastor. Finally out of breath the pastor yells "Lord I'm sorry for skipping Church make this bear a Christian." The bear stops gets on it's knees and says "Dear Lord thank you for this meal I'm about to eat".

[Cruncher Pete]

[font=-apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen-Sans, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif]A famous American evangelist preacher comes to England and during one of his sell-out presentations at a large packed-out hall starts preaching the power of the the lord and says that God can cure anything and asks "does anyone here have any affliction?", a perfectly normal-looking guy comes up to the stage, the preachers asks "what is your affliction?" "ai a un pich pedimen", "excuse me?" says the preacher, "pich pedimen", "oh, you have a speech impediment?", the man nods his head, "what's your name?" "Fuwed", "Okay, Fred, do you believe in God?". "yes" says Fred.[/font][font=-apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen-Sans, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif]Another guy comes up to the stage on crutches, the preacher says "well, I can see what's wrong, you can't walk- right?" "yes, I have been lame since birth", "okay, what's your name", "Charlie", says the guy. "Okay Charlie, do you believe in God?", "yes" says the man. "Okay, go behind that screen and just have faith", the two men go behind a screen on the stage and the preacher starts addressing the audience in his loud southern baptist American accent, " The lord is powerful, he can cure our ills, believe in the almighty lord, have faith in God", he gradually whips the crowd into a frenzy and tell the public to hold hands, "with the power of the lord we can cure these two people", he closes his eyes and shouts "Charlie, throw away your crutches", two crutches miraculously come flying over the screen", "Fred, say something", a faint panicked voice with an impediment responds "Charlie's fallen over".[/font]

[Cruncher Pete]

A guy comes home to find his mother-in-law unconcious on the kitchen floor.He calls the EMTs and they take her to the hospital's emergency room.After following the ambulance and navigating to the ER waiting room he sits down to await news.Finally a doctor comes out to update him and says that he has bad news and good news and which would he prefer to hear first.The guy thinks for a moment and replies "The bad news".The ER doc replies:

• "Your mother-in-law has had a massive stroke.
• She is clinically still alive but cannot speak - she can only make quacking sounds like a duck.
• She also cannot eat and has no bowel or bladder control.
• She may live another 20 years, but during that time you will have to feed her strsined baby food, wash her, and change her disper several times a day."

"Oh my god, the guy says, what"s the good news?"The doc says "The good news is........... I was just kidding about that other stuff: she's dead."

[Cruncher Pete]

I picked up this female hitchhiker in her thirty's dressed in army fatigues along the local highway, after traveling a couple miles she mentioned she had been waiting along time for a ride ,then stated, " People probably think I'm some sort of killer dressed like this," then she looked at me and asked, " What I would say if she confessed to being a Mass Murderer."Without missing a beat I looked back at her and said, " Do you have any idea what the odds are of having two Mass Murderers in the same pick up truck at the same time? "The ice was shattered. Cheers

[Cruncher Pete]

1950's Britain, on the parade ground of an army camp full of national service recruits. The Sergeant is not known for his diplomacy and constantly screams at the recruits. At the end of one parade, just before giving the order to fall out he shouts out "Private Brown, your mother has died. Fall out!" Private Brown simply collapses in shock.The Captain hears this and shakes his head in disbelief. Calling for the Sergeant he tells him to be more tactful. "Private Brown is in shock, you should have told him gently. I don't ever want to see this happen again". "Yes sir" replies the sergeant.A week later the Captain gets a message informing him of the death of Private Smith's mother. "Remember Sergeant, tact and compassion". "Yes sir" replies the sergeant.On the parade ground, just before fall out, he barks out "all those with mothers take two steps forward. Private Smith, where the hell do you think you're going!"

[Cruncher Pete]

A father passing by his son's bedroomNoticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.Love, your son, JoshP.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home

[Cruncher Pete]

A man is at the world cup and notices the seat next to him is empty. He asks the guy in the next seat if it is his. He says yes and tells him he and his wife had the same 2 seats every year for the past 15 but unfortunately she'd died and he'd keep the extra seat in her memory.
The man asks him if he didn't have any friends or relatives that could've used the seat. He replies 'No they're all at the funeral'

[Cruncher Pete]

"One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says," Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing"?"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious"?)"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her."I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.""Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you up a ticket.""For reading a book"? she replies."You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again."But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading.""Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine.""If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman."But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden."That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.""Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.Sure, God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece!!"

[Cruncher Pete]

A man finds a wallet with $7000 in it.A few days later, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy man has lost his wallet and is offering a $500 reward to anyone who returns it.He soon locates the owner and gives him the wallet, and the rich man counts the money and says, "I see you have already taken your reward." The poor man responds,"What are you talking about?" The wealthy man continues, "This wallet had $7500 in it when I lost it."The poor man replied "I am sorry sir but when I found it up it only had $7,000"The two men began arguing, and eventually they end up in court to sort out their differences. Both men present their case, the poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying,"Your Honor, I trust you believe me."The Judge says, "Of course." The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated.Then the Judge takes the wallet out of the wealthy man's hands and gives it to the poor man who found it."What are you doing?" the rich man yells angrily. The Judge responds,"You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had $7500 in it, I'm sure it did – but if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all, which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money – otherwise, it stays with the man who found it.""What about my money?" the rich man asks."Well, we'll just have to wait until somebody finds your wallet with the $7500 in it.

[Cruncher Pete]

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned.The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad.You better roll him over."The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."The mortician thinks this is strange.Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body.Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes.""What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician."Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

[Cruncher Pete]

A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 soldiers guarding a bench.He went over there and asked them why they guard it."We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did. It is some sort of regimental tradition!"He searched for the last commander's phone number and called him to ask him why did he want guards on this particular bench."I don't know. The previous commander had guards, and I kept the tradition."Going back another 3 commanders, he found a new 100-year-old retired General."Excuse me, sir. I'm now the CO of the camp you commanded 60 years ago. I've found 2 men assigned to guard a bench. Could you please tell me more about the bench?""What?! Is the paint still wet?!"