Humor

[cruncher Pete]

When God and the Devil were deciding which acts made you go to either heaven or hell they realized that people of certain professions had more chances to end up in one of the two places, so, they agreed that all engineers were to go to heaven and lawwers to hell.Then, one day, an engineer died and ended up in hell, and God called down to the Devil to send him to heaven as they had agreed to.- I don't think so - Said the Devil - The guy just fixed my jacuzzi and built me some air conditioner. I'm no longer boiling down here.- But - God said, getting increasedly frustrated by the Devil's nonchalance - We had a deal!- Yeah, I know, but this guy is cool. I'm going to keep him around.- You have to send him back to heaven inmediately!The Devil laughed on the phone - Or what?- I'll sue you!The Devil bursted out laughing - How do you intend to do that?! All the lawyers are here!

[cruncher Pete]

A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

[cruncher Pete]

A woman and her lover are having a bout in the bedroom when the woman hears a car door slam. Rushing over the window, she sees her husband getting out of the car and turns to her lover and says "Quick, hide in the cupboard!". The man obliges and waits there tentatively.A few minutes later the door to the cupboard opens and a small boy looks at the man. "Want to buy a teddy bear?" says the child."No!" says the man."If you don't buy my teddy bear I'll tell my dad you're here!" Says the child.The man begrudgingly gives the child $10 and the child retreats.5 minutes later, the child reappears with another teddy and the man pays another $10.Finally the husband goes back to work and the woman lets her lover out of the cupboard. Going to her son's room she sees him counting out his 'ill gotten' gains. Finding out what her son has done she chides him and sends him to the priest for confession.On entering the confessional the boy says "Forgive me father for I have sinned"To which the priest replies "Thank god, I thought you had come to sell me another teddy bear".

[cruncher Pete]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."The nun agreed...A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"The nun replied, "He went that way."After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."The nun said, "I understand completely."The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Syria either."

[cruncher Pete]

Putin was traveling incognito in the Ukranian countryside and stopped to talk with a local farmer."How big is your land" asked Putin.Farmer responded proudly"From here to that big oak tree in the near distance is one side of my land. Same square distance all around."Farmer then asked Putin:"How big is your land?"Putin responded he "could get in his car all day and not reach the end of his land".Farmer replied,"I once had a car like that."

[cruncher Pete]

An immigrant to America is working as a pushcart vendor Things are going terribly for him so he is always on the lookout for something better . One day he hears that the local supermarket is looking for a new janitor. Thinking that steady income, less hours, and not waiting for non existent customers in the cold, heat and rain is a major step up, he applies for the job .He is about to wrap things up and take the job when the manager suddenly asks him "Do you know how to read and write in English?" He sadly says no and the offer is withdrawn.He goes back to his pushcart and somehow makes it big. His pushcart business turns into a large retail business. One day as a now wealthy business man he needs a loan to expand his business even further. He still can't read English so he takes someone along to read to him the loan documents. The loan officer says "If you made it so far without knowing how to read or write ,can you imagine where you would be if you did?""Sure" answer the wealthy businessman. "If I knew how to read and write I would be the janitor in the local supermarket!"

[cruncher Pete]

An elderly couple went to the doctor's office, and when the doctor asked why, the old man said "we want to have sex on your examining table." The old lady said "we just want to see if we're doing it right". So, the couple had a go and the doctor said "Well, not as energetic as a younger couple, but other than that, you're doing it just fine.A week later, the same couple came in with the same request. The doctor said "Why do you want to do it here, can't you find a more appropriate place'? The man said, well. doc , we're I'm married, so we can't go to my house, and she's married, so we can't go to her house". Then the lady chipped in and said "It's because The Holiday Inn charges $85 for room and you charge $3 for an office call.

[cruncher Pete]

Paddy the Irishmen rocks up to his Doctor for a Medical, while waiting he reads an article on IQ tests. After his medical, he asks about the IQ test and the Doctor explains that if you have an IQ of 150% you are a genius. If it is 120% you become the CEO of a Corporation and if it is 100% you become a Manager of a company. But the Doctor says the average is about 50 - 60%, how much is mine says, Paddy. Well Paddy, your's is only 30%, but the Doctor says it is not bad if you have 20% or less you can't tie your own shoe laces. Ahh Paddy says that's why you see a lot of Aussies with thongs.

[cruncher Pete]

An old guy at a County Fair had too much to drink. As he was staggering around, barely able to stand and walk, he decided to try the baseball throwing booth to break plates. The guy behind the booth thought he was an easy mark, and happily took the man's money and handed him 6 baseballs to throw. But then, the drunk, barely able to stand, accurately threw the 6 balls and broke 6 plates.The vendor was flabbergasted, but gave the drunk a live turtle as the prize. The drunk took it and staggered away.Three hours later, the drunk was back. This time he slurred every word, couldn't see straight, struggled to hold his head up, and fell down several times as he staggered to the baseball throwing booth. He fell, but pulled himself up to the booth's counter; plopped down his money and asked for 6 baseballs. The vendor thought the drunk was now way too incapacitated to hold, let alone throw a baseball accurately with enough power to break a plate. So, he happily took the man's money. Then, just like before, bam! The drunk rifled off 6 throws and broke 6 plates.The vendor was so amazed, that he got the biggest stuffed animal prize and handed it to the drunk.The drunk looked at it questioningly, then handed it back to the vendor and said, "No, I don't want this. Give me another one of those crunchy pies."

[cruncher Pete]

An American tourist is passing by an Irish bar during a sudden rainstorm. He tried the door and walked in. The barman was polishing glasses behind the bar. "I'll take a bourbon on the rocks please". "No I can't serve you we are closed sure we are". " OK can I wait here until the rain passes?". "Sure you can, would you like a drink while you're waiting???".

[cruncher Pete]

[cruncher Pete]

Two old ladies are sitting on a bus stop, smoking. It begins to rain, and one old lady pulls out a condom, stretches it out, snips the tip off and puts it over her cigarette so she can smoke without her cigarette getting damp. The other old lady thinks that it is a nifty trick and asks her what she put over her cigarette. The lady replies that it is a condom, and that you can buy them at a pharmacy. The 2nd old lady thanks her, and makes a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week.Sure enough, a few days latter she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter and says "Young man, I would like to buy a condom please". The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies "Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before... um. What size do you need?" The old woman pauses, then replies "I need one that will fit a camel".

[cruncher Pete]

A Wife casually calls her husband at the office one afternoonWife: Hi, how r u...?Husband: I m fine...!Wife : What did u have for lunch today?Husband : Dont you have anything else to ask?? You have only silly questions like what did You eat ... what dress u r wearing... whom did u meet.... what song did u listen to etc...!!Wife: Oh!....!!! Ok Ok, then tell me, how should the Central Bank fight these inflationary trends with minimum intervention in the Money Markets? And what should be the role of the Finance Ministry in controlling inward/outward remittances...? ??Husband : (after a few seconds of silence)... I had a chicken sandwich and Orange juice.....!!!!Dedicated to those husbands who still underestimate the intelligence of their wivesA Wife's Witty Reply That Left Her Husband Speechless

[cruncher Pete]

A wealthy couple John and Margaret are at a fundraiser for the evening when Margaret grows tired. I'm going to go home. She notifies her husband. No problem he says, I'll get a ride home later. Take the limo.Upon arrival home, Margaret finds Giles her butler, lying on the couch, relaxing.She walks up to Giles and orders him, Giles, takeoff my dress. Giles complies and takes off her dress. She then orders, Giles, takeoff my Stilettos, Giles complies and takes off her stilettos. Giles, she orders takeoff my brazier, Giles complies, and takes off her Brazier. Giles, she orders takeoff my panties. Giles complies and takes off her panties.Then she looks him up and down and states "and if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

[cruncher Pete]

A woman and a man crash head-on with their cars. The impact is so great that both vehicles are completely destroyed, but, incredibly, neither of the drivers is hurt.After getting out of their respective cars, the woman says:But look how our cars have turned out!And miraculously we don't have a single scratch!"This must be a sign from God for us to get to know each other, be friends, and make love like crazy for the rest of our days."The man, dazzled by the woman's beauty, responds:-Oh yes! I completely agree with you.The woman continues:"Look, another miracle. My car is completely destroyed, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely fate wants us to take it and celebrate our good fortune."The man, in complete agreement, uncorks the bottle, makes a salute and drinks half of it. Then he hands it back to her so she can drink too.The woman grabs the bottle and puts the cork on.The man, surprised, asks him:"Aren't you going to drink?"The woman answers:"No, I prefer to wait for the Traffic Police to come and take the breathalyzer test."