Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

The construction foreman ordered one of his men to dig a hole 8 feet deep. But after the job was done, the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered the worker.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

"Honestly!" the foreman snorted. "The kind of help I get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

[Cruncher Pete]

A young man wanted to buy a pair of expensive gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. He went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered along with a note he had written. Unfortunately, the clerk mixed up the order while wrapping the merchandise. Instead of the expensive gloves, the clerk accidentally wrapped a pair of panties and sent them to the young man's sweetheart along with the following note which he had written.

Darling:
I have been trying desperately to come up with a special gift for your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but since your sister wears the short ones which are so easy to remove, I wanted to get the same style for you.

You may be concerned that these are a delicate shade, however, the saleslady showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. She said that there are a couple of important care considerations that I should mention to you. First, when you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away since they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Second, be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so that they won't shrink.

The saleslady made such an impression upon me that I had her try them on for me. She really looked great in them and I can just imagine how great they are going to look on you. I decided to mail these so that you would have them in time for your birthday. I really hesitated because I wanted so much to be there to watch you put them on for the first time. There is little doubt in my mind that many other hands will have touched them before I see you again. I can hardly wait to run my own hands over them or do as the French do, and gently kiss them. I hope you really like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

[Cruncher Pete]

A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do.
Little Mary went first,

"My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives"

"That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?"

"My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail," says Jane

"Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?"

"My daddy is dead" says Johnny

"Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny," said the teacher, "what did he do before he died?"

"He turned blue and shit on the carpet"

[Cruncher Pete]

Two nuns were walking home one night down a very dark street. One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning. They soon noticed that a man was following them. They would speed up, and he would speed up. They would stop, and he would stop. Sister Mathematical started to become afraid. "Oh dear...this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now! What does he want?" "It's only logical," Sister Logical replied. "He wants to have his way with us." "Oh dear God!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them. "In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!" Sister Mathematical shrieked. "What do we do?" "Oh, that's logical," Sister Logical said calmly. "You and I will have to split up. You run one way to the convent, and I will join you there." Without asking another question, the nuns split up. Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical. A few minutes after Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered. "Sister, I am so glad to see you," Sister Mathematical gasped. "It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home. I was so worried! How in heaven's name did you escape?" "Oh that's logical," Sister Logical began, catching her breath. "He got to me and grabbed me. I knew what he wanted. So, I pulled up my habit." "Oh dear, Sister. Then what?" "He pulled down his pants....""Oh, Sister...!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. "Then what happened?!" "Well, that's logical," Sister Logical explained. "A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!"-

[Cruncher Pete]

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.

The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

[Cruncher Pete]

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River looking across at the Promised Land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he assured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally, according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

Finally, George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking of all his sins that were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river, and the water was only up to his ankles.

He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore. Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"

Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

[Cruncher Pete]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?' The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.'

So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'

The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'

The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'

The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, 'Hard to fool them flies though...

[Cruncher Pete]

A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."     

[Cruncher Pete]

It's late, the bartender and a guy are the only ones left in the bar. The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?" The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "ok, show me." The guy spits and makes it in the glass without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender say, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!"
The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if I can do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would you give me $100? The bartender agrees, and the guys spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else.

The evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks a bunch of glasses all over the bar. He then says to the guy, "if you can spit in all of these glasses at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you $200" The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready" So after a minute, the guy comes up, and procceds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it."

[Cruncher Pete]

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

[Cruncher Pete]

Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, "A round of drinks for me and my friends."
They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink.

The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again.

Again, the blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means.

The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".

[Cruncher Pete]

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. Thetraffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at arate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving sofast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the nextday he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got todo something about these drivers. The 'schoolcrossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the countyworkers and they put up a newsign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John calledand called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked thesheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the FarmerJohn do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday tocomplain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided togive Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did youput up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killedsince then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thoughtto himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... itmight be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriffdrove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw thesign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

[Cruncher Pete]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.  The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven.

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

[Cruncher Pete]

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough totake the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning FarmerJoe. "Didn't you say, 'I'm fine', at the scene of the accident?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for a long, drawn-out story," the lawyer interrupted,"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and Iwas driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establishthe fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the HighwayPatrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks afterthe accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer andsaid to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had justloaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving herdown the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign andsmacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown intothe other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I couldhear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shapejust by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. Hecould hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After helooked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, hecame across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, 'Yourmule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

[Cruncher Pete]

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."