Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.""How much?" asked Grandpa."$10 a pill," answered the son."I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He calledGrandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.""I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

[Cruncher Pete]

A guy gets steaming drunk at the local pub. It is pitch black and raining cats and dogs, so he decides to take a short cut home through the cemetery. Unfortunately, because of the dark and the slippery conditions, he falls into a newly dug grave. He tries to climb out, but it is so wet and slippery that he just can't do it. After an hour of trying, he gives up and decides to sit in in the corner of the grave and wait until daylight. Around midnight, another drunk is on his way home through the cemetery and he also falls into the open grave. He tries to climb out, but like the first drunk he is unable to because it is so dark and slippery. The first drunk watches, as he tries in vain to climb out. After 10 minutes, the first drunk stands up, taps him on the shoulder and says, "You'll never get out!"......WHOOSH, and he was out.

[Cruncher Pete]

[font=-apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen-Sans, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif]Then there was the young lady walking her dog ,who met this old guy on a footpath,and went by without a word of greeting. The old guy turned around and remarked to her, '' That's a nice pig you have there." The woman, a bit annoyed, replied "This is not a pig, it is a dog." The man countered, " Lady I was speaking to the dog."[/font]

[Cruncher Pete]

Bill Clinton and the Pope dies the same day but by some reason the Pope ends up in Hell. He complains to the staff and they look in his papers and says "Yes, you're absolutely right, there have been a mix up. But you have to wait 24 hours here but don't worry, no fires or other nasty thing, you get a room to wait in." The Pope is satisfied and waits in his room.24 hours later he is taken to two escalators, one going up and one coming down. He gets on the one going up. After a while he sees that it is Bill Clinton coming down. What do you say to a man you have condemed to etarnity in Hell?When the Pope is in talking range he says to Clinton "You must excuse me but the reason I became a priest and eventally the Pope was that I wanted to meet Virgin Mary." Clinton then calmly replies "Well then, my friend, you are 24 hours to late.";)

[Cruncher Pete]

Dad takes his two boys to the diner. The waitress asks the first son "What would you like, honey?".Boy replies "I'd like a goddam cheeseburger!".Dad smacks the boy across his head.The waitress tries to salvage the situation, asking the younger boy "and what would you like to eat, sweetheart?"Younger son looks at his brother, his father, the waitress, back to his brother, then the waitress..."Well...you can bet your sweet ass I ain't gonna order no goddam cheeseburger!"

[Cruncher Pete]

A man goes to the cemetery to visit his late wife. He suddenly notices a man across the way who is inconsolable. The man is pounding the ground with his fist and sobbing "why did you have to die why why why?The other man rushes over and tries to calm him down. He says "I understand the deceased must have been very very close to you". The man, still sobbing, says "no, never met him" and begins pounding the ground and repeating "why why why did you die?"The first man is terrbly confused. "May I ask you who is buried here?"The sobbing man pauses to say "it's my wife's first husband "

[Cruncher Pete]

An older, married couple went to the shops one day, and they got separated. The woman called her husband's mobile phone, and the following conversation ensued:WOMAN: Where are you?MAN: You remember years ago, we were here and there was a little jewelry shop near the square?W: Yes, I remember that store.M: That was the store where you saw a diamond necklace, and you fell in love with it. You remember?W (excitedly): Yes, yes, I remember that necklace!M: And we were poor and just getting by, but I told you one day I'd buy that necklace for you, didn't I?W (nearly weeping with joy): Oh, yes, I remember that promise! I remember it all!M: Yeah, well, I'm having meself a pint in the pub next door to it.

[Cruncher Pete]

Two friends, Jimmy and Steve are out for a Sunday drive. The lights ahead turn red and Jimmy steams right through the intersection. Steve is mortified. 'Relax amigo,' reassures Jimmy, 'my brother Johnny does that all the time.' A few blocks down, the lights turn red and Jimmy cruises on through it. Steve is aghast. "You did it again!' 'Take it easy bro, my brother does it all the time.' They drive on and the next light turns green and Jimmy screeches to a halt. 'What the blue fck is going on!' shouts Steve, 'the light's green!' Jimmy looks to the right. 'Yeah, I know man, but my brother might be coming the other way.'

[Cruncher Pete]

A young lad goes off to University and after a while moves into a flat with a roommate.His Mother comes to visit one day for Sunday dinner, and is shocked to find that the roommate is not another bloke, but a young, stunningly beautiful woman. The son assures her though that despite that, they're just friends. Barely that in fact - they get along, share the rent and chores and study.During dinner, Mother admires an item the lad has picked up for the kitchen: a lovely antique serving ladle - silver, with charming decorations. The young man explains he picked it up in an antique store because it reminded him of home.Well, dinner was a great success and Mother went home, satisfied. After a while though, the lad realized he could not find the ladle anywhere. Not in the kitchen, not in the dining room. He was aghast - his own mother stole from him?He sent a note to his mum, not actually accusing her but inquiring as to where the ladle went. The note ended:"I'm not saying you took it and I'm not saying you didn't, but if it was to be returned nothing more would be said."Mother's return note was prompt:"I'm not saying you are sleeping with her and I'm not saying you're not, but if she was sleeping in her own bed, she'd have found the ladle."

[Cruncher Pete]

My neighbor just ran over here crying hysterically. I said, "Oh my, what's wrong?" He said he just got a call from his doctor with his medical test results. The doctor told him, "Well, I have bad news, and then I have worse news." My neighbor said, "Oh my God, that sounds terrible! What's the bad news?" The doctor replied, "your test results came back and said you only have 24 hours to live." My neighbor broke down crying and said, "That's horrible!! What could possibly be worse news than that!?" The doctor responded, "I was supposed to call you yesterday."

[Cruncher Pete]

An elderly lady was concerned about her husband's hearing.It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn't respond.So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.The doctor said to her, "when you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you."She thought this was a great idea.When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, "Herbert, what do you want for dinner?"There was no response.She moved 10 feet closer.Again she yelled, "Herbert, what do you want for dinner?"No response.She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband.She yelled even louder this time, "HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?"Herbert yelled back at her, "For the THIRD time, I want chicken!"

[Cruncher Pete]

A burglar breaks into a house one night and is creeping around looking for things to steal. Suddenly a voice says "Jesus is watching you!"Startled, the burglar looks to see who spoke, and spots a parrot in a cage. He goes up to the cage and asks "Are you Jesus then?" To which the parrot replies "No. I'm Moses.""What kind of a daft pillock calls a parrot Moses?" ask the burglar.The parrot replies "The same daft pillock that calls a rottweiler Jesus."

[Cruncher Pete]

A man goes to the bar with his friends. He finishes his beer and puts his glass on a random table.Then he goes to the bartender and says: I'll bet you for 500 dollars that I can pee from this distance, in that glass over there, without spilling a drop.No way, that's impossible, says the bartender, you're on!So the man does his business and pees all over the place, everywhere but in the glass.I told you so, says the bartender, you owe me 500 dollars!Yes, says the man, but did you know? I made a bet with each of my friends for 500 dollars, that I would piss all over the place and you would LOVE it nevertheless!

[Cruncher Pete]

A man walks into his local butcher's shop and asks for his usual order of bacon rashers.Handing over the order to his long time customer and friend, the butcher remembers to tell him about the bizarre incident that happened earlier in the week:"You wouldn't believe what happened in here the other day! I caught my apprentice, butt naked on the countertop, putting his willy in the bacon slicer in front of my customers! He made a right mess of the place! Obviously I had to sack him on the spot..."The man looks at the order of bacon he is holding in his hands and says: "I hope you don't mind me asking, but what did you do with the bacon slicer? "The butcher replies: "I had to sack her too".

[Cruncher Pete]

A man goes into a pub and orders three pints all at once. He slowly drinks all three, then leaves.He does this every Friday for a month or so, when finally the barman says "Wouldn't it be better if I pour you a pint at a time, so each will be fresh when you come to drink it?""That's sensible" says the man, half way through the first pint "except I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in Canada and I like to imagine the three of us sitting here having a drink all together""I see" says the barman, and nothing more is said.Just after Christmas the man comes in and orders just two pints. He looks miserable, and so the barman assumes something has happened to one of the brothers. "I'm so sorry for you loss" he says."Oh, my brothers are fine" the man says, "It's me...I'm doing dry January".