Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

King Charles goes on a political goodwill visit to Iran. After being met at the airport by an Iranian diplomat, he's taken off to a fancy hotel.As they walk in, King Charles says in his incredibly upper-class accent to the Iranian diplomat, "Could you show me to the shah, please?"The diplomat doesn't know what to say for a moment, wondering if this is the "British surrealist humour" he's heard Charles enjoys.In the end, he just hesitantly says "We don't have a Shah anymore, sir. We got rid of the Shah years ago.""Oh." says King Charles. "In that case, I'll just have a bath..."

[Cruncher Pete]

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.The priest nearly had an accident.After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"The priest removed his hand.But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

[Cruncher Pete]

A backpacking tourist is hitchhiking somewhere in Italy on a winding mountain narrow road. A very old Italian farmer in an old beaten truck, laden over the top with hay, gives him a ride. The driver "steps on it" to the top speed of his vehicle. The young guy sees a sharp curve ahead and warns the old man"Grandpa, be careful, sharp curve ahead""Don't worry, 55 years on this road twice a day, have confidence", the car comes out of the turn with tires screeching. The next coming curve is even sharper."Grandpa, careful, sharper curve ahead" "Don't worry, 55 years on this road twice a day, have confidence", the car comes out of the turn with two tires hardly touching the ground.This repeats several more times with the young guy screaming louder and louder warnings and the old farmer stoically repeats his "55 years on this road" piece...Finally at the next sharp turn the truck overturns. Both are able to get out of the wrack unharmed and the young guy says"Grandpa I tried to warn you""Shit" comes the answer "55 years on this road, twice a day, and every day I overturn exactly at the same spot..."

[Cruncher Pete]

A man and his wife are visiting the doctor for a check up, doc comes in and says "congratulations, you're pregnant!"The husband, confused, inquires, "how can that be possible? I had a vasectomy years ago"Doc turns to the husband and says, "let me tell you a story. A man walks through the woods and encounters a cougar. Afraid and unarmed, he raises his fingers in the shape of a gun and yells 'BANG'. The cougar drops dead"The husband, puzzled, states, "well that isn't possible, someone else must have shot it.""Exactly," says doc.

[Cruncher Pete]

The mother of a friend of mine was in hospital with a gynacological problem. She was in her bed when her surgeon was doing his rounds with a group of young student doctors. He explaned her operation and asked her if she would allow his students to view the after effects of the op. She consented and he started to show them, using a torch to better see the results. She grinned up at him and said.."What is this? 'Fanny by Gaslight'. (BTW 'Fanny by Gaslight' is a 1940 novel by by the English author Michael Sadleir)

[Cruncher Pete]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, "Luther, what exactly is your problem?"Luther answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!"Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Luther to the principal's office. While he waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.Luther was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"Luther: "9."Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"Luther: "36."And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "Y'know, I reckon Luther can go to the 3rd grade."But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, "Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions."The principal and Luther both agree.Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"Luther, after a moment: "Legs."Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!Luther replied: "Pockets." to the Principal's great relief.....Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Luther: "Pants."By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Luther replied, "Bubble gum."Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and adog does on three legs?"Luther: "Shake hands."The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?"Luther: "Firetruck."The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, "Put the little bastard in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself."

[Cruncher Pete]

"A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything.
They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.For all these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick, and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out theiraffairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and brought it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time for him to know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.He asked her about the contents."When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."The little old man was so moved he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness."Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all this money? Where did it come from?""Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls.""

[Cruncher Pete]

Retail shelf stacker sees his boss pull into the car park in a brand new Porsche. "Nice car" he comments.Boss tells him "If you work all the hours overtime that you can, don't take any holiday or sick time and be the most productive employee that we have, next year I'll be able to buy another one"

[Cruncher Pete]

A man was at the Metropolitan Museum of Art fashion night and spotted an elderly woman, very thin and wearing a ginormous diamond pendant around her neck. The man was so intrigued with the gem that he walked over to the elderly woman and complimented her on her beautiful possession: "Excuse me, madam," he said, "That is the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen." The woman replied: "Thank you! It's the Kolpman Diamond. But it comes with a curse!" The man is intrigued and asks, "A curse? What is the curse?" She replied, "Mr. Klopman."

[Cruncher Pete]

"An old man was eating in a truck stop when three rough-looking bikers walked in.
As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter.The second biker picked up the old man's milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man's plate before joining the others at the counter.Without saying a word to the laughing bikers, the old man put his money down, got up, and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Not much of a man, was he?"The waitress replied," Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!""

[Cruncher Pete]

Not me, but my grandfather. He was summonsed to the doctors surgery for a check up, and to see the new doctor. He was eighty five. The doctor looked him over and asked him if he smoked and drunk. My grandfather said yes he did. The doctor tutted and said " Didn't your previous doctor advise you, that you should give up smoking and drinking? His reply was yes the previous doctor did. The doctor then went through grandads diet and amount of exercise he got. Eventually the doctor said exasperated, " It would appear that you have ignored all of the medical given to you. Can you tell me anything at all, that you have done to improve your health?" My grandads reply was. " well yes. I have outlived my previous two doctors"

[Cruncher Pete]

The manager hired a new secretary.She was young, sweet and polite.One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"He did not understand her remark, but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.He decided to have some fun with his new employee.Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"The secretary, who was quite witty, replied,"Why, no sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

[Cruncher Pete]

One day, little Timmy was at school and heard the word "sh*t".He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him "Coats and jackets".Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word "f*cking", and for a second time, asked his father what it meant.His father promptly said "Cooking".Then, he returned to school on the third day and heard the words "b*tches and hoes".He went home and his father told him it meant "grandpa and grandma".Later on Thanksgiving night, his grandparents came over.Timmy answered the door with glee and said:"Hey, b*tches and hoes! I'll take your sh*t to the closet 'cause dad's in the kitchen fu*king the turkey!"

[Cruncher Pete]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.St. Peter said,"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled."Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven.""Great!" said the couple."But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground."What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple."OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted."It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!

[Cruncher Pete]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this : When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident", I just lost it."CASE DISMISSED !!"