Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

Two pals, Jack and Lou, are sitting on a park bench, feeding the ducks and chatting about basketball. 🏀🦆
Jack suddenly asks, "Lou, do you think they play basketball up in Heaven?"Lou ponders for a second and says,"Let's make a deal. Whoever goes first will come back and let the other one know."They agree, and a few months later, Jack passes away.One afternoon, while Lou is at the park alone, he hears a whisper, "Lou... Lou..."Lou jumps, "Jack, is that you?"Jack's voice replies, "Yep, it's me."Lou excitedly asks, "So, do they play basketball in Heaven?"Jack says, "I've got good news and bad news."Lou grins, "Give me the good news!"Jack says, "The good news is, yeah, they've got basketball up here."Lou asks, "And the bad news?"Jack sighs, "You're starting as point guard tomorrow."

[Cruncher Pete]

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut pulls up to his house in a fancy Porsche. Of course, his parents know he couldn't have earned enough from his after-school job to buy a car like that.

"Where did that car come from?" Mom and Dad shout in shock."I bought it today," the boy replies calmly."With what money, young man?" Mom asks. "We know how much a Porsche costs, and you can't afford one!""Well, it's used, and I got a good deal," the boy says. "It cost me $20.""Who would sell a car like that for $20?!""The lady down the street," the boy replies. "I don't know her name, she just moved in. She ordered a pizza, and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy her Porsche for $20."The parents rush to the new neighbor's house, ready to ask for an explanation. They find her quietly planting flowers in her yard."I'm the father of the boy you just sold a sports car to for $20," the father says. "I need an explanation!""Well," the woman replies, still working on her yard, "I got a call from my husband this morning. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but apparently he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and has no intention of coming back.""And what does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?" asks the boy's mother, confused.The new neighbor smiles, pauses for a moment, and replies, "Well, my husband asked me to sell him his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

[Cruncher Pete]

One day, a guy ran into a restaurant and sat down. When the waitress approached his table, he said, "Look, I'm in a hurry. Bring me a coffee and a menu, please!"

The waitress quickly walked away and returned shortly with the menu and his cup of coffee. The man looked down and noticed that as she put the cup down, her thumb was visibly in his coffee. He gave her a dirty look and pushed the menu back, saying, "Just bring me some soup, okay?"The waitress walked away again and quickly returned with a bowl of soup for the customer, but as she put it down, he once again noticed that his thumb was deep in his soup. Seeing his finger out of place, he said brusquely, "Okay, what's up with that thumb?"The waitress replied, "Excuse me?""Excuse me? You should say excuse me! You bring me coffee and you have your thumb in my coffee! You bring me soup and you have your thumb in my soup! What's with that thumb?"To which the waitress replied, "Well, I crushed my thumb in the door yesterday and the doctor told me to keep it warm.""Why don't you stick it up your ass then?" the customer replied.And the waitress replied, "Well, I do that when I'm in the kitchen!"

[Cruncher Pete]

A man has lead a very good life and God decides he's going to reward him. God goes to the man and says, " You have led an exemplary life and I am very pleased with you. I am going to give you one wish. Anything you want ".The man thinks for a few moments and says, "Well , l've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but l'm scared to death of flying. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii so l could drive there"?God says, " Wait a minute. That's a huge job. Do you have any idea how deep the water is? I'd have to make bridge supports from the bottom of the ocean to the surface. Frankly, that's a lot to ask."The man says, "yes it is. I'm sorry God. I don't know what l was thinking". God says, "Is there something else you want "? The man thinks about it and says, " Actually, there is something. I don't know what it is, and maybe it's just me, but l have a great deal of difficulty understanding women. If you could just tell me how women think, what they want, what makes them happy, l'd be extremely grateful".There's a long pause, then God asks, " When would you like that bridge to be finished being built "?

[Cruncher Pete]

Bessie, an unmarried lady, goes to the doctor. She is nauseous and throwing up.Doctor, after examination: You are pregnant! Do you know who the father is?Bessie: Oh, it's probably Sam.A year later she is back in the doctor's office with same symptoms.Doctor: You are pregnant again. Who is the father this time?Bessie: Oh, it's Sam.Third year she is again at the doctor's office, same symptoms.Doctor : You are pregnant again. Don't tell me. It's Sam. Why don't you marry him already?Bessie, shrugs her shoulders: He don't appeal to me!

[Cruncher Pete]

An old man was eating at a diner when three menacing-looking bikers entered.

The first biker, passing by the old man, put out his cigarette in his pie and then laughed, sitting down at the counter. The second took the man's glass of milk and spat in it. The third tipped his plate over before joining the others.Without saying a word to the bikers, the old man left his money on the table, got up and left. One of the bikers, laughing, said to the waitress, "He wasn't much of a man, was he?"The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just crushed three motorcycles with his truck!"

[Cruncher Pete]

A pregnant woman was in a terrible car accident, and had to be put in an induced coma. When they wake her up from her coma, she looks down and realises that she is no longer pregnant."Oh now", she cries, "I've lost my baby!"The doctor reassures her, "It's alright, you gave birth to twins two months ago, & you have a very healthy son & daughter."The doctor goes on to explain, "Because you were still unconscious, we asked your brother to name your babies.""Oh no" the new mother replied, "my brother is an idiot - what names did he come up with?""Well, he named your daughter 'Denise'.""Oh, that's not so bad", she replied. "But what did he name my son?""De nephew!"

[Cruncher Pete]

a man and woman turning up at the Gates of Heaven, having been killed in a traffic accident on the way to their wedding. They are told they are welcome. They ask St Peter if, given the circumstances, they could get married in Heaven. Peter isn't sure, but says just sit on that bench outside, and he'll go and ask the Boss.Three weeks later he comes back, smiling. " Yes, the Boss says he'll make an exception. We 've got a ceremony, a reception, everything planned for you."They look at each other. " Thanks, Peter, but while we've been sitting here for three weeks, we've started to realise that maybe we have some issues we hadn't thought about. Is it possible to get divorced in Heaven, if it doesn't work out?"Peter is exasperated. " Look, it's taken me three weeks to find a vicar up here. How long do you think it would take me to find a lawyer?"Another, on similar lines, I saw on Quora recently. God needs an engineer to sort out a couple of practical problems in Heaven, so he sends for one.Next day, an engineer arrives at the Pearly Gates. Peter looks in The Book of Life, but his name isn't there. " Sorry" he says. " You're not in the Book. You have to go Down Below."The man is disappointed, as he thought he had been saved, but goes down to Hell. Liking to keep busy, he sets to work, and soon the Air Con is working, the water problems are fixed, the roads are improved.After a while, God says to St Peter " I sent for an engineer recently, but he hasn't turned up. Any idea what's happened to him?"" Did you write him in the Book?" asks Peter. God smacks his forehead."No, I didn't! My fault - I'll sort this out." He goes down and knocks on the door of Hell. The Devil opens it."What?"" You've got my engineer here," says God. " I want him back."" Well, tough" says the Devil. "He's making himself very useful."" Well, I'll sue you," says God.The Devil smiles. " And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer, sunshine?"

[Cruncher Pete]

A college wrestler was competing in the championship match for his conference. His coach tells him, "your opponent is undefeated. He has this hold that never fails. It's called the Double Pretzel Lock. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in the Double Pretzel Lock or you are done-for.The match is progressing and our hero is doing well. Just as his coach thinks he may have a chance there is a whirlwind of movement and our guy is tied up in the Double Pretzel Lock. The coach is bereft, knowing the match is lost.All of a sudden there is a blood-curdling scream and the two wrestles leap off the mat as if one. Our wrestler lands on his undefeated opponent, pins him and wins the match.There is pandemonium in the arena as he celebrates, high fiving his teammates and bending to catch his breath. His coach yells, "that's the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Unbelievable! How did you do that!?"Our guy says, "Coach, there I was, almost completely unable to move, all twisted up in the Double Pretzel Lock. I knew I was done and was about to give up when I saw this pair of testicles...so I bit them. Coach, you'll never know how high you can jump until you bite your own testicles."

[Cruncher Pete]

A girl starts work at a pharmacy, and is under the guidance of an older woman, who shows her where everything is and how to take payments, etc. Then she goes out to the stock room but as she leaves, says "Oh, there's one other thing. We have a number of male customers who buy condoms, there are three different sizes. They are here in the drawer. So if someone comes in and asks for a 120, it's this size, the next size up is 140, and the biggest one we stock is a 180. Saves them asking for condoms if there's female customers in the shop and nobody gets embarrassed. All understood?""Yes" says the girl, and the woman goes off to the stock room. "Call me on the internal phone if there's any problems."All is going fine, customers being served, until a man walks in...goes up to the counter, and says "Four fifty"The girl is a bit shocked, remembering what she's been told. "Four fifty?""Yes, four fifty""Just a moment..." She picks up the phone, and calls the stock room."Everything OK?""Err yes, but this man's just come in and asked for four fifty""Is he really well-built?""Yes, kind of.""Is he carrying a bucket?""Yes, he is...""Pay him, it's the window cleaner."

[Cruncher Pete]

An old man had owned a large farm for many years, with a pond at the edge of his property. The pond was perfect for swimming, so he arranged it nicely, adding picnic tables, horseshoes, and a few apple and peach trees.

One evening, the old farmer decided to take a walk to the pond, since it had been a while since he had been there. He took a large white bucket to collect some fruit on the long walk to the remote area.As he approached the pond, he heard voices laughing and shouting with joy. As he walked further, he saw that several young women were bathing naked in his pond.He made his presence known, and they all moved to the deep end. One of the girls shouted at him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"The old farmer frowned, "I didn't come here to watch you girls swim naked or get you out of the pond without your clothes on."Holding up his bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."Some old men can still think quickly.

[Cruncher Pete]

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,

"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!""Oh my..." the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son." he said with hope. "He trains dolphins and he will know what to do.""Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man."So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?" The irate man yelled, "Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!""I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,"For the last time dad, I train Seals... Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!"

[Cruncher Pete]

Pat goes to confession and tells the priest
"I've had sex with a woman who is not my wife""What's the woman's name", asks the priest."Oh, I can't tell you that", says Pat."Well I can't give you penance if you don't tell me who it was.""Was it Mrs. Gilhooly"?"No, father, it wasn't.""Was it Mrs. Murphy"?"No, father, it wasn't ""Was it Mrs. Jones"?"No, father, it wasn't ""Well then Pat I can't give you penance ", says the priest.On the way out Pat meets Seamus."Well, Pat, did he give you penance?" asks Seamus."No, he didn't, but he gave me three good leads", says Pat.

[Cruncher Pete]

[Cruncher Pete]

A senior citizen drove his brand-new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. 👴🚗💨
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left.Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.Looking in his rearview mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.Suddenly he thought, What am I doing?I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."The old gentleman paused.Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.""Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper 😁