Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

One day, a guy rushed into a restaurant and took a seat. When the waitress came over, he said, "Hey, I'm in a bit of a hurry, could you please bring me a coffee and a menu?" The waitress quickly went off and came back shortly with the menu and his coffee.As he looked down, he noticed that her thumb was clearly in his coffee when she set it down. He gave her a frustrated look, pushed the menu back, and said, "Just bring me a bowl of soup, okay?"So, the waitress hurried off again and soon returned with his bowl of soup. But once again, he saw that her thumb was deep in his soup as she placed it down. Annoyed, he said, "Alright, what's up with the thumb?"The waitress replied, "Excuse me?""Excuse me? You better say excuse me! You bring my coffee, and your thumb's in it! You bring my soup, and your thumb's in that too! What's going on with your thumb?"She responded, "Well, I slammed my thumb in the door yesterday, and my doctor told me to keep it warm."The guy shot back, "Why don't you just stick it up your butt then?!"To which the waitress casually replied, "Well, I do that when I'm in the kitchen!"

[Cruncher Pete]

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,"How much money do you make a week?"A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"The CEO said,"Wait right here."He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here s four weeks pay. Now GET OUT and don t come back."Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"From across the room a voice said,"Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino s and was just waiting to collect the money!"

[Cruncher Pete]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:Dear Grand-daughter,The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from athrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper..Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost inthought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that thelight had changed.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn'thonked, I'd never have noticed.I found that lots of people love Jesus!While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love ofGod!''Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!Everyone started honking!I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all thoseloving people.I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!;There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard himyelling something about a sunny beach.I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle fingerstuck up in the air.I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the windowand gave him the good luck sign right back.My grandson burst out laughing.Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment thatthey got out of their cars and started walking towards me.I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this iswhen I noticed the light had changed.So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove onthrough the intersection.I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersectionbefore the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leavethem after all the love we had shared.So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all theHawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lordfor such wonderful folks!!Will write again soon,Love,,,, grandma.. 😊

[Cruncher Pete]

Four men are playing golf, when a funeral procession slowly drives past the golf course. One of the golfers stops, takes off his hat, and stands quietly until the procession passes.One of the other men says, "Bob sure is respectful!"Another replies, "He ought to be. They were married for 40 years."

[Cruncher Pete]

A woman had terrible luck in the dating scene and was just about ready to give up when her friend said "Just put exactly what you want on your profile. There is bound to be one man who fits it!"So she writes in her profile Wanted "Man who doesnt run around on a woman, man who doesnt drink or smoke, and man who is a great lover."Months go by and she forgets all about it until her doorbell rings.She opens the door and lying on the mat is an armless and legless man.She says "What are you here for?"He says "Your ad"She say "What makes you qualified?"He says "I dont have legs, so I can't run around on you, I dont have arms, so I can't smoke or drink"She says "So what makes you a great lover?"He says "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

[Cruncher Pete]

Frank goes to a store to buy a suit. He picks out one he likes, pays for it and puts it on.So he's walking down the street and sees one of his friends. "Joe! What do you think of my new suit?""It's nice, but one of the lapels is higher than the other. Here, do this..." Joe pulls down the left lapel and has Frank hold it with his right hand. "There you go, now it looks great."He sees another friend. "Mary! What do you think of my new suit?""It's nice, but the right sleeve is too short. Here, do this..." She pulls up the right sleeve and has him pinch it between his little finger and palm. "Now you look fantastic."He sees a third friend. "Albert? How do you like my new suit?""Well...the left side of the jacket hangs down lower than the right side." He positions Frank so he's leaned over to the right."Julie! What do you think of my new suit?""The left pants leg is way too short. So, take your left hand and pull up the right leg so they're the same length."Now Frank is walking - or, really, kinda hobbling - down the street when he passes by an old couple.The wife gasped and said to her husband, "what a horribly deformed man!"The husband said, "yeah, but his suit fits."