Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

A Husband and Wife were fighting. The Husband said to the Wife, "When you die, I am going to engrave on your Headstone that you were a cold bitch ". The Wife turned around and said to him, "Well, when you die, I am going to engrave "He's finally Stiff" on your headstone"!Lol

[Cruncher Pete]

A traveling salesman texted his wife he'd be home the next evening. He arrived on time, only to find her in bed with another man. Clueless to deal with the situation, the aggrieved guy stormed to his father-in-law's house to give vent to his anguish before deciding on the next step."Calm down, son," the father-in-law said coolly. "There's got to be a reason. Let me look into it. Meanwhile, grab your favorite drink from the rack.""After some time, the old man returned, chuckling. "Didn't I tell you, she had a good excuse? SHE DIDN'T GET YOUR MESSAGE".

[Cruncher Pete]

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag."You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously."Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.""Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

[Cruncher Pete]

At dawn the telephone rings."Hello, Senor Gene? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house.""Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?""Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died""My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition or the other one?""The champion sir.""Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?""From eating rotten meat.""Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?""Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses.""Dead horse? What dead horse?""The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart.""Are you insane? What water cart?""The one we used to put out the fire.""Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?""The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.""What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?""For the funeral.""WHAT DAMN FUNERAL?!""Your mother in law's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with one of your new golf clubs."THERE WAS A LONG SILENCE........"Ernesto if you broke that golf club you're fired!

[Cruncher Pete]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

[Cruncher Pete]

Two old retired codgers happened to be seated next to each other at a resort pool in the Bahamas and started up a conversation. "What did you do and why did you retire?" Asked one of the other. "I was in the garment business and my factory burned down. The insurance company offered a good settlement so I figured I'd hang it up and retire. What about you?" The other man responded, "I have a very similar experience. I had a manufacturing operation that was flooded and the insurer offered me a good settlement so I took it." The first guy ponders this for a while and responds, "How do you start a flood?"

[Cruncher Pete]

It was the Easter Service the church was full, and the congregation packed close together.While everyone was singing the hymn, Mildred leaned close to her husband Herbert and explained: "Darling, I have just let a very long, fortunately completely silent fart. Most embarrassing. What do you suggest I do?"Well, for a start," replied hubby Herbert, "You could try getting a new battery for your hearing aid."

[Cruncher Pete]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf.Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

[Cruncher Pete]

Three nuns died and went to heaven. St. Peter tells that to enter they each have to answer a question. Because they are nuns, the questions will be about religion.St. Peter says to the first nun, "Who was the first person to see Jesus after he rose from the dead?"The nun replies, "Oh that's easy. It was Mary Magdalene."And lights flashed and bells rang and the pearly gates swung open and the heavenly choir sang a welcome song as the nun entered heaven.St. Peter says to the second nun, "Who was Ruth's mother-in-law?"The nun says, "Old Testament, eh. Let me see... Oh I know! It was Naomi."And lights flashed and bells rang and the pearly gates swung open ...St. Peter says to the third nun, "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?""The first words Eve said to Adam? Is that even in the Bible? Try to think!"St. Peter says, "Time's up. What were the first words Eve said to Adam?""Gee, that's a hard one"And lights flashed and bells rang ...

[Cruncher Pete]

An Aeroplane cleaner was cleaning the Pilot's cockpit, when he saw a book titled, "HOW TO FLY AN AEROPLANE FOR BEGINNERS (Volume 1)He opened the first (1st) page which said: "To start the engine, press the red button...". He did so, and the airplane engine started...He was happy and opened the next page...:"To get the airplane moving, press the blue button... "He did so, and the plane started moving at an amazing speed...He wanted to fly, so he opened the third (3rd) page which said: To let the airplane fly, please press the green button... "He did so and the plane started to fly...He was excited...!!After twenty (20) minutes of flying, he was satisfied, and wanted to land, so he decided to go to the fourth (4th) page... and page four (4) says; "To be able to know how to land a plane, please purchase Volume 2 at the nearest bookshop!"

[Cruncher Pete]

Did you hear about the Preschool teacher who was helping one of the children put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet."She looked, and sure enough, they were.It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear them."Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?"He said, "I stuffed them into the toes of my boots".

[Cruncher Pete]

Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, "You've got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don't care where.""Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.""No problem," the tired Marine assured him, "I'll take it."The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed."How did you sleep?" asked the manager."Never better."The manager was impressed"No problem with the other guy snoring, then?""Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine."How'd you manage that?" asked the manager."He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained."I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and after that he sat up all night watching me..."

[Cruncher Pete]

Hello?""Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?""No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.""Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."Brief Pause."Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.""Okay Daddy, just a minute."A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy.""And what happened honey?" he asked."Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!""Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?""He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I he isn't moving either."Long PauseLonger PauseEven Longer Pause

[Cruncher Pete]

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows wascompletely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow.The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow'seyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About aweek later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care ofit himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put hislips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try.The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow."What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified."Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

[jave808]

A job interview

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.
The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.

"That's very good," replied the interviewer.
"And now you, sir," he asked the second man.

"Hmmm, let me see... a blink!" said the second man."It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!", said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant.Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light", he said.

Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea," said the Aussie.

"What?!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh, I can explain", said the Aussie, "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants."

He got the job.