Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

One time I went to camp and we were warned not to tell dirty jokes at the fun night. I was encouraged to do so by my mentor. The jokes went something like this...Why did Ronald McDonald get in legal trouble? He tried to stuff his big mac into a small fry. The other I think wasWhy do gays like hamburgers? It is hot meat between two buns.Those jokes as funny as they were still got me cancelled at camp many years ago

[Cruncher Pete]

A man is riding through the desert on a horse. He comes across a dog dragging himself through the sand.The dog notices them and calls out "Oh help me, please! I've been lost in this desert for days and I'm dying of thirst! Please, help me!"The man leaps off his horse, pulls out his canteen and rushes to the dog. He pours water into a cup and offers it to him, who begins to quickly lap it up and saying "Oh God bless you, sir! You saved my life!"As the dog drinks, the man thinks this over, saying "I didn't know dogs could talk."The horse says "Yeah, me either..."

[Cruncher Pete]

I was on a flight with a very cheerful flight attendant, who was clearly gay and made everyone smile as he served us food and drinks.As we were getting ready to land, he came down the aisle in a fun way and announced, "Captain Marvey asked me to tell you that he'll be landing the big, scary plane soon. So, lovely people, please put your trays up – that would be super."As he walked back down the aisle, he saw a well-dressed woman, who looked a bit Arabic, hadn't moved her tray. He said, "Maybe you didn't hear me over the loud engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can get us safely on the ground."The woman calmly turned to him and said, "In my country, I'm called a Princess and I don't take orders from anyone."Without missing a beat, the flight attendant replied, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."

[Cruncher Pete]

ONE DAY MY 6 YEAR OLD COMES UP AND ASK IF I WANTED TO HEAR A FUNNY STORY HE HEARD AT SCHOOL YESTERDAY... Intrigued that whatever story he heard must have been significantly captivating to some extant because this is my 3rd child and never before has anyone of them ever came home with a story so great that they felt the need to ask if I wanted to hear it before just blatantly telling me about it anyway at some random moment I say sure, let's hear it, and he says;Ok, There are 3 lady's who rob a bank together...One has brown hair like me, another has kind of orange hair like my nana and the last lady has yellow hair.After they rob a bank together the start to chase them until they crash the car. So they run to a farm they noticed was close and decide to hide. The brown hair ladt hides with the cows, the orange hair lady hides with the chickens and the yellow hair lady hides in the garden full of potatoes.When the police come to the farm and look for them they hear a noise over by the cows. They shine their light that way and say...WHOS THERE!? The brown hair lady gets scared and says mummy, moooo mooo. So they cop says oh, I guess that's normal and then leaves to keep looking.A minute goes by and the cop hears some noise over by the chickens so he shines his light and says WHOS THERE-COME OUT OR ILL SHOOT!The orange hair lady doesn't come out but instead says COCADOODLE DOOO. COCADOODLEDOOO. The police rubs his chin and says to himself, nothing out of the ordinary there, and moves on to keep looking.He walks a bit further, past the garden and into a barn place where they keep all the vegetables they just picked and a basket full of potatoes falls down right in front of him. He lifts his light up and he doesn't even say anything when out of nowhere the yellow hair lady stands up from behind a table and says... POTATO POTATO!<<< at first I just stood there in shock at the fact that my 1st grades just told me a very detailed blond joke without knowing he had told me a "BLOND JOKE" . Then I laughed. I laughed so hard that I couldn't stop laughing for what seemed like forever. That was 15 years ago and it's the first joke that comes to mind when anyone asks I'd I know any good jokes.I don't know if the joke itself is actually funny or if it's the fact that a 1st grades told it to me or if it's the way the first grader actually told it, so precisely put together as a whole for something intended to be a put down but I think this is the funniest freaking joke I've ever heard to this day hands down:

[Cruncher Pete]

A blonde was speeding in a 35-mile-per-hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.
The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.She held it up to her face and said, "Aha!This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,"You're free to go.And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

[Cruncher Pete]

A man entered the confessional and told his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The man said, "Well, we took our clothes off and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped!" The priest said, "Rubbing against each other is like getting into each other. You'll never see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box!"The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked toward the poor box. He paused for a moment, then began to leave.The priest, who was watching him, ran to him and said, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"The man replied, "Yes, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

[Cruncher Pete]

My wife took the car to the mechanic because it wasn't running right..The mechanic said to her 'nowt wrong with your car love, just shit in the air filter''brilliant' says the wife 'and how often do i have to do that?'

[Cruncher Pete]

At the medical school, a professor turns to a student and asks,
"How many kidneys do we have?""Four!" the student replies . "Four?" the professor replied, arrogant, one of those who take pleasure in trampling on the mistakes of others. "Bring some grass, because we have a donkey in the room," the professor ordered his assistant. "And a coffee for me!" the student replied to the teacher's assistantThe professor became so angry that he expelled the student from the classroom. The student, however, was the humorist Aparicio Torelly Aporelly (1895-1971), known as the ' Baron of ltararé '. Upon leaving the classroom, the student again had the audacity to correct the furious professor: "You asked me how many kidneys we have? We have four kidneys: two of mine and two of his. 'We' is an expression used for the plural. Enjoy your meal, and let the grass be yours to enjoy."

[chooka03]

At the medical school, a professor turns to a student and asks,
"How many kidneys do we have?""Four!" the student replies . "Four?" the professor replied, arrogant, one of those who take pleasure in trampling on the mistakes of others. "Bring some grass, because we have a donkey in the room," the professor ordered his assistant. "And a coffee for me!" the student replied to the teacher's assistantThe professor became so angry that he expelled the student from the classroom. The student, however, was the humorist Aparicio Torelly Aporelly (1895-1971), known as the ' Baron of ltararé '. Upon leaving the classroom, the student again had the audacity to correct the furious professor: "You asked me how many kidneys we have? We have four kidneys: two of mine and two of his. 'We' is an expression used for the plural. Enjoy your meal, and let the grass be yours to enjoy."

Hahahaha! Thank you for sharing Pete 

[Cruncher Pete]

A little old lady went to buy cat food.She picked up three cans but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."So the lady went home, brought in her cat, and was sold the cat food. . .The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog, and was sold the dog food. . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out, and exclaimed, "That smells like crap."The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy eight rolls of toilet paper."😂

[Cruncher Pete]

A man moved into a new house with his wife.In the morning, while they were both having breakfast, the wife looked out the window and saw her neighbor's clothes drying in the garden. She said in surprise:"Look, our neighbor's washed clothes are not clean at all! She probably doesn't know how to wash clothes properly."She repeated this comment every time the neighbor washed her clothes and hung them outside to dry.About a month passed, and one day the wife was surprised to see that the neighbor's washed clothes were shiny and spotless.She said happily: "Finally, our neighbor has learned to wash clothes properly!"The husband smiled and said: "No, this morning I cleaned the window through which you look outside!"Then he said gently:"We should clear our own eyes before we see the flaws in others, because most of the time the problem is in our own eyes, not in others."✦ Lesson: Correct your own mistakes, then find faults in others.

[Cruncher Pete]

A man was sitting on the plane next to a young woman, without further ado he began to talk about all the titles he had and his profound knowledge, the young woman only listened, but the man did not stop showing off all his knowledge.As the young lady didn't say anything, the man told her:-Let's chat.... I've heard that flights seem less long if you talk to the person next to you. The young lady who had just opened a book to start reading closed it slowly and said in a soft voice:-What would you like to talk about?-Well, I don't know... What about "nuclear physics"? he tells her in a mocking tone and showed him a big smile...-Well, that seems to be an interesting topic, but first let me ask you a question... A horse, a cow and a sheep eat the same thing: grass; But, why is the sheep's excrement like small pellets, the cow's is a paste and the horse's looks like a ball of dry grass?Why do you think that happens?The man, visibly surprised by the young woman's intelligence, thought about it for a moment and said:-Hmm... I have no idea.The young lady replied:-Do you really feel qualified to talk about nuclear physics, when you don't even know shit?

[Cruncher Pete]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?""No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[Cruncher Pete]

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a pub with their wives and all order tea.
The Englishman sweetly asks his wife, "Pass the honey, honey."
Inspired, the Scotsman turns to his wife saying, "Pass the sugar, sugar."
Not to be outdone, the Irishman glances at his wife and barks, "Pass the milk, you bloody cow!"

[Cruncher Pete]

A man was blissfully driving along the highway when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road.He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny but, unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.Thedriver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket.Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.A blonde woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong."I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk & pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.Miraculously the Easter Bunny came back to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans & hopped on down the road! 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved & hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards & waved again!The man was astonished.He said to the blonde, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."







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