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:congrats These are all great Cruncher Pete
oh god these crack me up lol :BigGrin
hahaha
If someone steal a Tesla, does that make it an Edison?
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone famous there is to know. Go on - Just name someone, anyone, and I bet that I know them"
Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call Dave's bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"Not a problem boss. Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door.
Tom Cruise is at home and answers the door himself and shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!
Although shocked and more than a little impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical and he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just pure luck.
"No, no, just name anyone else then", Dave says.
"President Biden!", his boss quickly retorts.
"Yep"Dave says, "We're buddies from years ago. Let's fly out to Washington and I'll show you"
So they fly out to Washington and go on the White house tour"
"While walking through the White House, Biden himself appears, spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,
"Dave, what a surprise, it's great to see you again after all this time. I was just on my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"
After they leave the White House grounds the boss tells Dave that he's still not entirely convinced.
Dave again implores him to name another famous person.
After thinking about it for a long time the boss replies with, "The Pope!"
"Sure thing!", says Dave, "I've known the Pope for years - since before he became Pope in fact"
So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican.
Dave says, "This will never work, I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people Tell you what, I know all the Pope's guards here as well so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,
"What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw. You and the Pope came out on the balcony and a Japanese tourist next to me said,... "
"Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"
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Cracking jokes Pete. I can't vote on them but some of these are rippers.
:thanks1:
Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.
The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"
Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"
The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"
Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"
The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.
"A cat," Schrödinger replies.
The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."
Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."
I had a tree I wanted removed because it was too close to the house.
I called a tree guy. He came out and did a nice job cutting down the tree. He asked me what I thought. I said, "It's nice, but what about the stump?" He informed me that he was just a tree guy who cut down trees, if I wanted the stump removed, I would need to call a stump guy.
I found a highly recommend stump guy. He came and got the stump out. He says, "There you go." I asked him about the hole. He says, "I'm a stump guy and just remove stumps. I don't fill in the holes." He told me I would need to call a landscaper.
I get ahold of a landscaper and I tell him, "I'm fixing to leave town on a trip. I don't care what you do, just fix the hole and make it look nice."
I got back today and found out he planted a friggin tree.
Can't see the image
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the truth!
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her & asked,
'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy & frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people & talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room & asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted & he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, & his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.
Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both Counsellor a to approach the bench &, in a very quiet voice, said,
'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...😂😂
Quote from: Cruncher Pete on May 13, 2023, 08:50:03 AMI just changed my computer login password to "Alcatraz" and now the "Esc"button won't work?
I changed all my passwords to "incorrect" so I get a message whenever I login stating "Password is incorrect"
Quote from: Cruncher Pete on July 13, 2023, 08:45:13 AMSusie came home from her first day at school.
Her mother said, "Well, Honey, what did you learn today?"
"Not enough, I guess....They want me to come back again tomorrow."
Ha ha ha ha!!
(https://i.ibb.co/k36zqHP/F3-Nk-Cgka-QAAJHBh.jpg) (https://ibb.co/Gs3GCxr)
the poet by hermann hesse (https://poetandpoem.com/Hermann-Hesse/poems)
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?" the friend replied.
"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
Quote from: Cruncher Pete on October 24, 2023, 02:46:06 PM"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister, Shirley."
"So?" the friend replied.
"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!"
Ha ha ha Cruncher Pete. That's a good one! Gave me a chuckle
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car.
The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the drunk's buddy, Pete, and the man's girlfriend kissing in the back seat. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside. He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend.
The drunk staggered outside to the car, saw Pete and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar, laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That darned Pete!" the drunk chortled. "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the Doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed," she replied.
"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said. She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for awhile in a detailed examination. Motioning her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight, you don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
The "Claven Theory" offers the besy proof that beer actually does make you smarter....."One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went:Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Don't you feel smarter after a few?
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out,
"WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL"
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
A woman entered the pharmacy, approached the pharmacist, made direct eye contact, and began to speak.
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied: "Oh Well now That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?
Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish."
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy."
The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager's office.
"What is the meaning of this?" the manager asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you've ever had."
"Well," the young man said, "in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination."
Not me!
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a large evening ashore.
As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself.
Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he?d also shit in your pants."
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The doctor asks, "So what seems to be the problem?"
The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason at all. It's starting to scare me."
The Doctor tells her, "I think I have just the cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish, and swish, but don't swallow it until he leaves the room or decides to go to bed."
Two weeks later, the woman returns, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started to lose it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?!"
The Doctor informs her, "The water itself does nothing. It's having to keep your mouth shut that does the trick."
A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.
The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.
After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face.
"This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."
The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.
"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"
"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"
And the old man enjoyed peace.
.
A man was working in the garden and his wife was about to take a shower.
He realized that he couldn't find the rake.. and yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear and she shouted back, "What?"
He pointed to his eye, and then pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.
his wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
His wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell he could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, He went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replies: "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush!"
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."
On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, and your children - Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."
An elderly couple visits their grown-up grandson one night. While in the bathroom, Grandpa discovers a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cupboard.
"I don't think you should take one of those," says the grandson when his grandpa asks him about them: "They're pretty expensive."
"How much?" asks the old timer.
"$20 a pill," replies the grandson.
"I'd still like to try one," says the old man: "Before we go in the morning I'll leave the money under the pillow in the guest room."
The next day the grandson goes into the guest room, and lifts the pillow to find $120. Puzzled, he calls his grandpa. "Grandpa, I told you the pills were $20 each!" he says.
A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.
"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-"
The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."
The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
A guy walks into a bar carrying a paper bag. He sits down, orders a drink and puts his bag on the bar.
The bartender says, "What do you have in the bag?"
The guy reaches into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, a piano stool and a tiny man. The little man jumps on the piano stool and begins playing.
The bartender says, "That's pretty cool. Where did you get that?"
The guy reaches into the bag again and pulls out a brass lamp. He says, "This is a magic lamp. If you rub it a genie will come out and grant you one wish."
The bartender rubs the lamp and sure enough a genie comes out and asks the bartender what he would like to wish for. The bartender says, "I want a million bucks."
A few minutes later a duck walks into the bar followed by more and more ducks. Pretty soon the bar is overrun with ducks. The bartender says, "Hay, is this genie hard of hearing? I didn't ask for a million ducks; I asked for a million bucks."
The guy says, "Ha, ha. Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."
Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.
I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a prostitute.
He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks.
So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says 'What the hell are you doing?'
I said 'Having sex with my wife.' He said 'I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife.'
and I said, 'Neither did I till you shined a light on her.'
A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.
So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.
The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!"
Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you're prepared for it?""I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.""I don't mean that," the deacon replied. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?""Oh sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies,
'I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well,' the cab driver says, 'I've always had a fantasy that a nun performs oral sex on me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that. First, you have to be single, and secondly, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!'
The nun says, 'OK, pull into the next alley.'
He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child, why are you crying?' says the nun.
'Forgive me sister, but I have sinned,' says the cabby. 'I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.'
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy scout and a pastor were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.
Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.
Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped, also.
The pastor looked at the little boy scout and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."
The little boy scout handed the parachute back to the pastor and said "Not to worry, Preacher. 'The smartest man in the world' just jumped out with my back pack."
A blond had recently dyed her hair brown, to get away from being made fun of for being blond.
One day she was driving down a country lane and saw a farm with lots of sheep, and she became enamored by the thought of having a big fluffy sheep as her own. She drove up the long drive to the farm house and knocked on the door. When the farmer answered she asked him a question.
Sir, if I can guess how many sheep you have, would you give me one of the baby sheep as my own?
The farmer scratches his head, and thinking how impossible it would be as he had hundreds of sheep agreed.
Well the lady spends a couple hours walking around ostensibly counting sheep, and as the sun is setting, knocked on the door again.
Well sir, I've counted and counted sheep, and by my estimate you have 875 sheep, not including the babies.
The farmer, amazed, because he'd checked his paperwork and did Indeed that many adult sheep.
He agreed, and she went down to the nearest paddock, and picked up the fluffiest, cutest animal she could.
As she was getting into her car to leave, the farmer hollered out to her.
Hey miss, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my sheep dog back?
An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."
POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"
The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
Quote from: Cruncher Pete on November 27, 2023, 09:29:35 AMcdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
That doesn't seem to work for the dyslexic. :banghead
A couple met at Myrtle Beach and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue their relationship after their vacations were over.
"It's only fair to warn you, Linda," he said. "I'm a golf nut. I live...eat...sleep...and breathe golf."
"Well,..." Linda said, "Since you're being honest, so will I. You see, I'm a hooker."
"I see," he said pensively. Then, he smiled and said..."It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"
Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did."
She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"
Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."
Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"
Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Dave says.
"Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars.
The husband says: "We've got to give it back".
She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic.
The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home.
One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
She says: "No"..
The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
But the policemen sit the man down & begin to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday ..."
At this, the policeman looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."
A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life. One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!" So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision..
One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said,
"I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.
The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
Farmer Brown decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Brown. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Brown responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Brown said, "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Brown's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Brown thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."
"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me."
Finally, farmer Brown came to the end of the story. "The patrolman looked at me and said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are YOU feeling'?"
A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
"Mind if I have a few?" he asks.
"No, not at all!" the woman replied.
They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
"I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few."
"Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."
Read more on page: https://jokesoftheday.net/jokes-archive/2022/12/11/
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
A Canadian tourist is fascinated by the Native American way of life and culture, so he decides to visit a reservation in the United States to find out more.
After a long and dusty drive through the Arizona desert, he finally arrives at the reservation.
Soon after his arrival, the tourist meets an old chief, who claims to remember everything that ever happened in his life.
The tourist is curious and asks the chief: "What did you have for breakfast on your fifth birthday?"Without hesitation, the chief replies: "eggs".
The tourist was very impressed by this, and he never forgot the chief's words, even after his visit had long since ended.
Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again.
He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with "how".
"Scrambled," the old chief replied.
Why is the Grinch such a good gardener?
He has a green thumb.
What type of key do you need to put on a Nativity play?
A don-key.
Who is the only one to not eat at Christmas dinner?
The turkey, it's always stuffed!
Why was the advent calendar afraid?
Its days were numbered!
What's the best present to receive?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it.
What's a dog's favorite Christmas song?
Bark, the Herald Angels Sing.
What carol is heard in the desert?
O camel ye faithful.
How can you tell that Santa is real?
You can always sense his presents.
What do you call a bankrupt Santa?
Saint Nick-less.
Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Beyon-sleigh.
What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
Santa-tizer.
What kind of motorcycle does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing, it was on the house.
A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said the man.
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.""Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."She responds, "Well, let's see if you qualify. #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying."My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?""Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."-
/ (https://jokesoftheday.net/jokes-archive/2023/12/09/)
John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional."
A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".
A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".
These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to the University of Virginia and party with some friends there. They had a great time. However, after all the hardy-partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Raleigh until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan to return Sunday to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldnÂ't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room, "this is going to be easy." Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written: For 95 points: Which tire?
There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says,"This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled.All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"
Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.
Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.
Patty looked in the mirror and said,"You dummy, it's me!
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies Mitch noticed a priest who stepped onto the track and blessed the forehead of one horse lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse--a very long shot--won the race.Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest as the old priest stepped onto the track again. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate, the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one horse.Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued, the priest kept blessing long-shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and waited for the priest's blessing to tell him which horse to bet on.True to his habit, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.He then watched, dumbfounded, as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long, you blessed horses and they all won. Then, in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings--all of it!"The priest nodded wisely and, with sympathy, said, "Son, that's the problem with you Protestants. You can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites."-
One day a guy walks in a bar and asks for five shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.
The guy says, "I found out my brother is gay."
The same guy, comes in the next day and asks for ten shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.
The guys says, "I found out my other brother is gay."
The next day, the same guy comes in and asks for fifteen shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks why.
The guy says, "I found out my other brother is gay."
The bartender says, "Doesn't anyone like pussy anymore?"
The guy says, "Yeah, my sister."
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an green envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Mariel and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Mariel said that we will be very happy.
Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Mariel taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Mariel can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Tom
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
There was a competition to cross the English channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms..."
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"
The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a great time! Today I am taking them to the beach."
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared, ready to devour the man whole. The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, "Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion." A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion. The lion then drops to his knees, looks up to heavens and prays, "Dear God, bless you for this food I'm about to receive."
A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door..
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.."
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, 'I'll take that bet!'
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said 'I can't take this, you're my friend.'
The blonde said 'No. A bet's a bet'.
So the redhead said 'Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money'.
The blonde replied, 'Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!'
It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco. Pastor Mike was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures. Immediately, Pastor Mike turned towards the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. Pastor Mike walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?" Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."
Merry Christmas to all. Hope you all get a nice Chrissy present like a new computer like I did.
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was making her rounds. She was visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returnedSince Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm becoming Catholic."-
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
These jokes are gold Pete! Keep them coming ... don't know how you find them all. :))
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, "This is for washing our hair."Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer."The curlers are on me."-
George, who was 70-years-old, went for his annual physical. All of his test results came back normal. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are real tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF the light goes on when I pee, and then POOF the light goes off when I'm done.""Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, POOF the light goes on in the bathroom, and then POOF it goes off when he's done?"Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"-
/ (https://jokesoftheday.net/jokes-archive/2023/12/29/)
A Jesuit was out for a drive and crashed into another car, only to discover that the other driver was a Franciscan."It was my fault," each insisted—as is only right and proper with religious men.Concerned, the Jesuit said, "You look badly shaken up, Father. You could probably use a good stiff drink right now to calm down."He produced a flask and the Franciscan drank from it and said, "Thank you, Father; I feel much better now. But you're probably shaken up too. Why don't you have a drink as well?" "I will," the Jesuit replied, "but I think I'll wait until after the police have come."
A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is a man standing on the porch. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push??"
"No, get lost! It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the front door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"
And the drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
/ (https://jokesoftheday.net/jokes-archive/2023/12/31/)
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
A businessman boarded a flight and was lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman...... They exchange brief hellos and he noticed she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replied, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
/ (https://jokesoftheday.net/jokes-archive/2024/01/02/)
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, PULLOVER!"
"NO," the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
Mr. Johnson was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
He said, I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.
When Mr. Johnson returned, he shocked the doctor by having dropped almost twenty pounds.
Why, that's amazing! the doctor told him. You did this just by following my instructions?
The slimmed down Mr. Johnson nodded. I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.
From hunger, you mean.
No, replied Mr. Johnson, from skipping.
A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The little boy admitted that she did.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."
The construction foreman ordered one of his men to dig a hole 8 feet deep. But after the job was done, the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered the worker.
The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.
"Honestly!" the foreman snorted. "The kind of help I get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"
A young man wanted to buy a pair of expensive gloves for his sweetheart's birthday. He went to an expensive boutique, bought the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have them delivered along with a note he had written. Unfortunately, the clerk mixed up the order while wrapping the merchandise. Instead of the expensive gloves, the clerk accidentally wrapped a pair of panties and sent them to the young man's sweetheart along with the following note which he had written.
Darling:
I have been trying desperately to come up with a special gift for your birthday. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but since your sister wears the short ones which are so easy to remove, I wanted to get the same style for you.
You may be concerned that these are a delicate shade, however, the saleslady showed me a pair that she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. She said that there are a couple of important care considerations that I should mention to you. First, when you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away since they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Second, be sure to keep them on while cleaning them so that they won't shrink.
The saleslady made such an impression upon me that I had her try them on for me. She really looked great in them and I can just imagine how great they are going to look on you. I decided to mail these so that you would have them in time for your birthday. I really hesitated because I wanted so much to be there to watch you put them on for the first time. There is little doubt in my mind that many other hands will have touched them before I see you again. I can hardly wait to run my own hands over them or do as the French do, and gently kiss them. I hope you really like them and will wear them for me on Friday night.
PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do.
Little Mary went first,
"My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives"
"That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?"
"My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail," says Jane
"Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?"
"My daddy is dead" says Johnny
"Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny," said the teacher, "what did he do before he died?"
"He turned blue and shit on the carpet"
Two nuns were walking home one night down a very dark street. One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning. They soon noticed that a man was following them. They would speed up, and he would speed up. They would stop, and he would stop. Sister Mathematical started to become afraid. "Oh dear...this man has been chasing us for 2.5 blocks now! What does he want?" "It's only logical," Sister Logical replied. "He wants to have his way with us." "Oh dear God!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. They tried to move as fast as they could, but the man was gaining on them. "In 3.5 minutes, he will be upon us!" Sister Mathematical shrieked. "What do we do?" "Oh, that's logical," Sister Logical said calmly. "You and I will have to split up. You run one way to the convent, and I will join you there." Without asking another question, the nuns split up. Sister Mathematical, who could run faster, made it to the convent while the man took off after Sister Logical. A few minutes after Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent, Sister Logical entered. "Sister, I am so glad to see you," Sister Mathematical gasped. "It took you 7.6 minutes longer to get home. I was so worried! How in heaven's name did you escape?" "Oh that's logical," Sister Logical began, catching her breath. "He got to me and grabbed me. I knew what he wanted. So, I pulled up my habit." "Oh dear, Sister. Then what?" "He pulled down his pants....""Oh, Sister...!" Sister Mathematical exclaimed. "Then what happened?!" "Well, that's logical," Sister Logical explained. "A nun with her habit up can run a lot faster than a man with his pants down!"-
Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest.
The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.
"Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."
Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River looking across at the Promised Land.
The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."
As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he assured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally, according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will sink into the water."
The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.
Finally, George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking of all his sins that were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.
As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river, and the water was only up to his ankles.
He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore. Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"
Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"
A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?' The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.'
So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'
The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'
The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'
The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says, 'Hard to fool them flies though...
A lady went into a bar in Waco and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table. He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet are well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, "Shore is, little lady. Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?"
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, "Well, thankee, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before."
"Don't be flattered. Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit."
It's late, the bartender and a guy are the only ones left in the bar. The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?" The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "ok, show me." The guy spits and makes it in the glass without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender say, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!"
The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if I can do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would you give me $100? The bartender agrees, and the guys spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else.
The evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks a bunch of glasses all over the bar. He then says to the guy, "if you can spit in all of these glasses at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you $200" The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready" So after a minute, the guy comes up, and procceds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it."
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.
"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?"
With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."
Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, "A round of drinks for me and my friends."
They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink.
The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again.
Again, the blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means.
The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".
Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. Thetraffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at arate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving sofast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the nextday he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got todo something about these drivers. The 'schoolcrossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the countyworkers and they put up a newsign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John calledand called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked thesheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the FarmerJohn do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday tocomplain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided togive Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did youput up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killedsince then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thoughtto himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... itmight be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriffdrove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw thesign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven.
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough totake the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning FarmerJoe. "Didn't you say, 'I'm fine', at the scene of the accident?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for a long, drawn-out story," the lawyer interrupted,"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and Iwas driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establishthe fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the HighwayPatrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks afterthe accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer andsaid to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had justloaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving herdown the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign andsmacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown intothe other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I couldhear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shapejust by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. Hecould hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After helooked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, hecame across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, 'Yourmule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th anniversary, so he bought her a $100 see-through nightie.
That night, she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightie was still in its box downstairs.
Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said: "Jesus, for $100 they could've at least ironed it!"
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.
Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."
And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "
Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."
The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."
Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.
The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.
He does all his tricks over a gain, but still not a word.
They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."
Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints.
The doctor speaks to the man's wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he'll probably live another 20 years."
She returns to her husband's side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?"
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."
A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
'Darling, how I've missed you!'
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, 'Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!'
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"But I always get it here," says the blonde.[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"Do you have the container it comes in?"[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"To apply, push up bottom."[/font]
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".
The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
There are 10 kinds of people in the world, but only half of them understand binary
A cute elderly couple, both in their 80s, paid a visit to a s*x therapist. The therapist warmly greeted them, saying, "You two make such a lovely couple. How can I assist you?"
The man responded, "Do you mind watching us have intercourse?" After a brief moment of contemplation, the therapist agreed, seeing no harm in the matter.
Once the couple finished their intimate session, the therapist gave them her evaluation, saying, "Your lovemaking was perfectly normal. No issues with either of your performances." With a friendly smile, she charged them her regular $90 and wished them a pleasant day.
Surprisingly, the couple returned the next week, repeating the same routine. In fact, this continued every Wednesday for six weeks straight. Each time, they would arrive, engage in their intimate act in front of the therapist, pay the fee, and leave.
After the sixth visit, the therapist couldn't contain her curiosity any longer. She asked, "Can I ask why you guys keep making appointments to see me? Especially since I never find anything to improve in your lovemaking habits."
Without missing a beat, the old man started to explain, "Well, you see, we can't do it at my place because my wife is there, and we can't do it at her place because her husband is there. And even the cheapest hotels charge $130 a night. But coming here only costs me $80."
Mrs. Tyler, a science teacher in a 5th-grade class, posed the following question to her students, "Which part of the human body expands 8 times its size when stimulated?"
No one said anything until little Sarah jumped up and blurted out, "You're not supposed to ask us that kind of stuff! I'm gonna tell my parents, and they're gonna go straight to the principal!"
Unfazed by Sarah's protest, Mrs. Tyler repeated the question, "Which body part expands 8 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Sarah's jaw dropped, and she whispered to the kids nearby, "Oh wow, she's going to be in sooo much trouble!"
Disregarding Sarah's comments once again, Mrs. Tyler addressed the class once more, hoping for a response.
Finally, Cooper raises his hands, and says, "I think the body part that grows 8 times when stimulated is the pupil in your eyes."
Mrs. Tyler commended Cooper for his correct answer, then turned her attention to Sarah and said, "I have three things to say to you, missy. One, you clearly didn't read your homework. Two, you need to get your mind out of the gutter. And three, one day you'll be incredibly disappointed.
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn't think anyone would stand up so she asked him, "Why did you stand up?" He answered, "I didn't want to leave you standing up by yourself."
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn't think anyone would stand up so she asked him, "Why did you stand up?" He answered, "I didn't want to leave you standing up by yourself."
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?" Man: "Yes!" Reporter: "Name?" Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim." Reporter: "Sex?" Man: "Three to five times a week." Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?" Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel." Reporter: "Holy cow!" Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general." Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?" Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style." Reporter: "Oh dear!" Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off." The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?" The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
A circus had come to town and everyone was excited to see their latest addition, a trained elephant.This elephant was called Nuts and he would respond to any command as long as it was directed at him using his name.On the first night of the show the clowns did their funny routines, the trapeze artists soared through the air, a man was shot out of a cannon, and then the main act Nuts was brought out.Nuts proceeded to do whatever he was directed to."Lift up this log Nuts" said the trainer. He lifted the log up into the air."Walk around the ring Nuts". He walked in a circle around the ring."Lie down Nuts". He lay down on his side.After a few more commands it was building up to the finale."Stand up on your hind legs Nuts"The trainer then lay down on the ground in front of the elephant."Walk over me Nuts" was the next order.Nuts started to walk forward with his rear legs either side of the trainer.Then all of a sudden a snack vendor in the crowd selling his wares called out "Popcorn, ice cream, peaNuts"And he did as commanded.
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
I was at my bank today waiting in a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
A Scottish guy wanted a donkey for his young son....he spotted an advert for one for sale so went along to have a look at it.When he got to the farm the farmer told him.'I'm really sorry...I'm afraid the donkey died last night'...'OK....so how much are yee asking for it'?'Sorry? I just told you it's dead'!'Aye...I heerd yee...so how much d'yee want fer it'?Very patiently the guy explains very slowly.'The....donkey...is ...dead'.'AYE...I heerd yee!...Look...I'll give yee £20.00 for it...noo is it a deal or no'?So the farmer asks ( as you might ).'what the hell are you going to do with a dead donkey'?'I'll sell it'!...'b..b...you can't sell a dead donkey'!'Watch me'.So he loads up the dead donkey and goes on his way.A month or so later the farmer bumped into the guy at the local market.'How did you get on with the Donkey'?'I did very well...I got over £6000.00 fer it'!'WHAT!? How the hell did you do that'!?'I sold raffle tickets at £10.00 each...I sold 650 of 'em'!'Sweet Jesus!...didn't anybody complain that the poor bugger was dead'?'Aye...the guy that won did...so I gave him a refund'.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy, if the Pope won, they would have to leave.The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Moshe to represent them in the debate. However, as Moshe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they all agreed that it would be a silent debate.On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moshe sat opposite each other for a few minutes before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.Rabbi Moshe answered by raising one finger.Next, the Pope waved one finger around his head.Rabbi Moshe pointed down at the ground.Then the Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.The Rabbi pulled out an apple.On seeing that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, the Rabbi was too clever, and the Jews could stay.Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope to ask what had happened. The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the holy trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show that God is all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God is also right here with us. I pulled out the wine🍷and wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple 🍎 to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue."Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moshe to find out how he won the debate." I haven't a clue," said Moshe. "First, he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy. So I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, "We're staying right here.""And then what?" they asked."Who knows?" said Moshe. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs."Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the legend behind it.""You can keep the legend, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop."Ah, so you've come back to hear the legend of the rat," says the owner."No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
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The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers."We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers."Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens exclaimed.The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay.""Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was berating a British guy sitting across from him in the compartment, about Britain leaving Europe.
"The trouble with you English is that you are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much and it is going to be worse now you are leaving the EU. You think your stiff upper lip makes you above the rest of us.
Look at me . . . . . I'm an 'all round' me! I have a little Italian in me, a bit of Greek blood, a little Irish and some Spanish blood. What do you say to that?"
The British fellow lowered his newspaper, looks over his glasses at the American and replies; "Well, that was terribly sporting of your mother!"
Three surgeons walk into a bar, and order three shots of tequila. The first, drinks his shot, slams his glass down, and says, "I'm celebrating...today is the fifth anniversary of the greatest surgery I ever performed. A man was sideswiped by a car, and had his arm torn off. I operated on him for six hours! And today...he's a major league pitcher!"The second surgeon drinks his shot and says, " well a few years back, a farmer fell into a combine and had his leg torn off at the knee. I worked on him for EIGHT hours...sewing back every tendon and ligament.And today...he's a world class sprinter!"The third surgeon drinks his shot, and proclaims, "about 2 years ago, a driver passed me on a narrow country road, lost control, drove through a fence, and into a pasture. He exited the car through the windshield, splattering his brains all over. I grabbed my bag, ran into the pasture, and started scooping up, pieces of his brain,grass, cow shit, and pieces of his skull. I rushed back to hospital, put him back together in only twenty minutes."And today...he's your PRESIDENT!"
An Englishman staggers, ashen-faced, into a roadside bar, demanding a large brandy. The barman is concerned."Well" says the man, "I was just driving along and my BMW suddenly gave up the ghost! So I cruised into the layby just along the road here, and opened the bonnet. But I have no idea how these modern cars work! I was about to call the Automobile Association when I saw two horses come up to the fence and peer at the engine. And one of them actually spoke! Clear as day! Couldn't believe my ears!""Oh, yes – what did it say?""Well, this is the extraordinary thing – it told me to press down on some bit of plastic until I heard a click. So I did that – and then this horse told me to try the engine – and it started immediately!""Ah," said the barman. "And tell me, what colour was this horse?""Colour? Colour? Whatever do you mean? The damn' thing spoke to me, clear as day! In fact, it was a brown horse!""Thought so," says the barman, polishing the next batch of glasses."Thought so? Didn't you hear what I was saying? This horse dam' well spoke to me!""Well", says the barman, "I thought it would be her. The white one knows nothing about BMW ignition systems!"
A proper Englishman, wandering the heaths of Scotland, walks into a pub."My good man," he says. "I hear you have 100 year-old Scotch. I would love a bit."The pub owner takes down a glass and pours an ounce.After a sip, the Englishman says, "Oh my. My dear fellow! That is 20 year-old Scotch! I am here for the 100 year-old!"The pub owner shakes his head, pulls another glass and bottle, and pours the libation.the Englishman takes a sip and declares: "Oh! No! That is 50 year-old Scotch. I want the 100 year-old one. You have it, haven't you?"The pub owner, now cowed, pulls down another glass and a dusty bottle. He wipes off the bottle and pours it into the glass.The Englishman takes a sip and sighs. "Ah. Now that's the right stuff! Glorious!"The man next to him nudges him and points to the glass he has pushed over."Try that!"The Englishman takes a sip and spits it out. "Plah! That's piss!"The man replies: "Now tell me how old I am!"
A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.""But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?""Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."
A father takes his young son out for a walk. On the way, they saw 2 dogs doing it in a yard. The son was shocked and asked, "Dad! What are they doing?!?" The father said, "Well, son, theyre making puppies." The boy nodded and they continued on their way.Some time after they got home, the boy went looking for his dad. He heard a sound coming from his parent's room, so he went upstairs to their room and opened the door. There he saw his mom and dad in bed making love.He was shocked and asked, "Dad! What are you guys doing?!?" His father answered, "Well son, we're making babies."The boy nodded and said, "Ah! Well can you please turn her over? I want a puppy!"
There was a convention for brewers and brew masters from around the world attended. At the end of the convention a few of the brew masters decided to head to the local tavern together. They arrived and once seated at the bar, the bartender came around to take their orders.The first to order was the brew master from Budweiser. He tells the bartender, "I'll have the king of beers! One Budweiser please."The second was the brew master from Coors. He tells the bartender, "I'll have the only beer brewed with pure Rocky Mountain spring water! One Coors please."The third was the brew master from Miller. He tells the bartender, "I'll have the champagne of beers!. One Miller please."The forth was the brew master from Guinness. He tells the bartender, "I'll have a Coke."The other brew masters look at him astonished. "Aren't you going to order a Guinness?" one of them asks.The brew master from Guinness replies, "I figured if none of you were going to drink beer, I wouldn't either."
I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.
The bull started to service the cows within two days....... all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.
Two brothers immigrate from Ireland to the U.S.A. bringing with them a bottle of fine Irish Whiskey. They keep the bottle for years and somehow never find an occasion special enough to open this special bottle of fine Irish Whiskey.Finally one of brothers is on his death bed and he asks his bother :"Micheal, remember that bottle of fine Irish Whiskey we carried over from the Old County?"His brother answered:"Yes Patrick, I still have it put away in my cupboard''Patrick says:"When I go would you have the heart to pour that bottle of fine Irish Whiskey over my grave''Micheal says:" Of course I would my brother but one question. Would you mind terribly if I pass it though me kidneys first? ''
A cowboy rides into the high street of a Western town and finds it deserted. He hitches his horse to the rail outside the saloon and goes in.The barman is polishing glasses behind the bar."Hi" says the cowboy "mighty quiet in town""Yup" says the barman "Everybody's at the hanging""The hanging?" says the cowboy "Who they hanging?""They're hanging Brown Paper Pete"Said the barman"Oh, why do you call him that?""Well"Said the barman,"His shirt is made of brown paper, this chaps are made of brown paper, and his favourite hat is made of brown paper""I see!"Said the cowboy"What are they hanging him for?" ..."Rustling"
Many years ago a man decided it was time to introduce his young son to an authentic pirate. So they walked along the local docks past all the sloops moored there until they saw a swarthy gent that looked every ounce a pirate.Excuse me, said the man. I notice that you have a black eye patch, a peg leg and a hook for a hand. Are you a real pirate? You bet I am answered the pirate proudly.Well, could you tell my son how you lost your leg? You bet, answered the pirate. Years ago I fell overboard in rough seas and before I could be pulled aboard a giant shark nipped my leg clean off. Well, I had our doc carve me a wooden peg leg that I've worn for over 25 years now.Wow! Said the man. And can you tell us how you lost you hand? Sure, said the pirate proudly. It was during a broadside by a British frigate and a a cannon ball just cut it off as neat as could be. Again 'ol doc fashioned me this swell iron hook that I been using ever since. Amazing! And how did you lose your eye?That was really a damn shame, continued the pirate. One day I glanced up at the yard-arm and damned if a sea gull didn't shit right in my eye.And that blinded you, asked the man skeptically?No, answered the pirate. But it was me first day with the hook.
Two brothers wake up one morning and decided they were mature and needed to show it. So they decided to cuss in front of their parents. The older brother told the younger to use the word "damn" and he'd use "hell".They go downstairs for breakfast and mom asks the younger what he would like."I guess I'll have some damn Toasties," he says.Mom whales into him and then grounds him for a week. She then turns to the older son and says "Now what do you want smarty?"The older brother looks at the younger, still smarting and decrying his week-long punishment. He looks at his mom then looks back again at his brother and says:"Well I sure as hell don't want any Toasties!"
A preacher, a boy scout, and a top-notch engineer are on a small plane traveling across the country.The plane runs out of fuel and is plummeting towards the ground.There are three parachutes.The pilot grabs one of the chutes and says, "Well, you have to decide who gets the other two because I'm out of here," and he jumps out with his chute.The engineer grabs a pack and says "I'm the smartest man in the world. The world needs me!"You two decide who gets the last one. He jumps out of the plane.The preacher looks at the boy scout and says, "I've lived a long and good life. You have your whole life ahead of you — you take the last parachute."The boy scout looks up at the priest and says, "Not to worry Father. The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."
An American goes to Mexico on business. From his hotel room, he hears the shouting of excited fans from the bullring across the street. That evening, he has a meal in the hotel dining room.As he is finishing, he notices waiters arriving at a nearby table &, with great dignity, setting before a well-dressed gentleman a huge dish of savory meat & vegetables. The American can smell the alluring dish from where he is sitting.He summons the maitre d' & says, "I will be here for a week and tomorrow I'd like to order what that fellow is feasting on. What is it called, may I ask?"The maitre d' makes a sorrowful face & explains:"I am so sorry, senor, but that is a very special dish that we can serve only once per week, after the day of the bullfighting The key ingredient is obtained by special arrangement. It is, mmm...a lavish stew based on the private parts of the slain bull.""Oh, what a pity," said the American. "I'd like to try that. It looks & smells absolutely fabulous."Then the guest brightened."Say, I'll still be here for next week's bullfight. Can I order ahead?"Again the maitre d' looked sorrowful."Alas, that dish is so popular that we are booked ahead for many months.""Well, I have to return to Mexico every few months & can pretty much set my own schedule," the disappointed gourmet responded. "When is your next available opening?"The maitre d' opened a massive calendar book & searched a few moments. An opening was found & scheduled. The happy guest went back to his room, anticipating his return almost a year later.It seemed forever, but eventually the day came. The American sat at the dining room's best table & was served all the preliminaries graciously. Finally the coveted entre arrived. It smelled & tasted every bit as delicious as he expected, just like what he had dreamed of for a year. Except for one aspect."Thank you, ever so much," he told the maitre d'. "This is everything I dreamed of. The flavor, the aroma, the presentation — everything 5-star! I do have one question. Not a complaint. Just wondering. Maybe it's just my faulty memory, but as I recall, the entre last year looked much larger."The obviously embarrassed maitre d' shrugged & said:"Well, senor, sometimes the bull wins."
A psychiatrist has twin boys, one an optimist and the other a pessimist. He wanted to know how far these personality traits would go, so on Christmas morning, he filled up the pessimist's room with toys. Then, he filled up the optimist's room with manure.That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying."What's wrong?" the father asked."I have a ton of game manuals to read... I need batteries... and my toys will all eventually get broken!" sobbed the pessimist.Passing the optimist's room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. "Why are you so happy?" he asked.The optimist shouted, "Daddy, with all this shit, there's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
So James Bond gets killed on his last mission and MI6 are desperately looking for a replacement to fill his shoes. Word goes out to the navy, army, RAF and SAS for them to send over their 'best of the best' so they can be put through a series of tests, to see who could fit the bill.
On the big day, hundreds of men turn up to be tested, all wanting to prove themselves worthy to be called 008. Anyway, after being put through loads of gruelling and physically demanding tests, all but 3 were eliminated, one English man, one Scottish man and one Irish man.
The 3 of them are told that they have just one more test to perform, and this will decide who gets the position.
They call in the English man first. The test coordinator hands him a gun and says, "This test is simple. You are to take this gun and kill the person who is in the room behind the door"
The English man, without hesitation, takes the gun, opens the door and goes into the room. A few seconds later he comes out and says to the coordinator, "That's my wife in there! Surely you don't expect me to kill my own wife!"
The coordinator replies, "It's a simple order. If you can't do it, then your not the man we're looking for!"
With that, the English man hands back the gun and walks out in a huff.
The coordinator then called in the Scottish man. The test coordinator hands him a gun and says, "This test is simple. You are to take this gun and kill the person who is in the room behind the door"
The Scottish man, without hesitation, takes the gun, opens the door and goes into the room. A few seconds later he comes out and says to the coordinator, "That's my wife in there! Surely you don't expect me to kill my own wife!"
The coordinator replies, "It's a simple order. If you can't do it, then your not the man we're looking for!"
With that, the Scottish man hands back the gun and walks out in a huff.
Next it's the Irish man's turn. The test coordinator hands him a gun and says, "This test is simple. You are to take this gun and kill the person who is in the room behind the door"
The Irish man, without hesitation, takes the gun, opens the door and goes into the room. The coordinator, listening behind the door, hears several gun shots. Then there is a moment of silence, followed by a loud commotion of shouting, fighting, banging and crashing. Eventually the Irish man walks out, covered in cuts and bruises, and quietly hands the gun back to the coordinator.
"What the hell happened in there?" asks the coordinator.
The Irish man replies, "Some joker loaded the gun with blanks, so I had no choice but to beat her to death!"
A married guy goes to the confessional and tells the priest that he's not been faithful to his wife."So, who is it really?""Pardon, Father?""Was it Alena?""No, Father.""Was it Meredith?""No, Father.""Gabriella?""No.""Okay, just say a couple of Our Fathers and Hail Marys."After he's done, the guy goes out to his friend who asks, "How did it go?""Quite well, actually! I got two Our Fathers, two Hail Marys and three great leads."
Two old ladies were chatting over the fence. Mrs Smith says, "you'll never guess what happened last week... I was in the kitchen, making the Sunday dinner, and I sent Mr Smith to the allotment for a cabbage to go with the dinner. But when he was pulling it out of the ground, he keeled over and died of a heart attack!"Mrs Jones says, "Goodness me! That is absolutely awful. Poor Mr Smith. What did you do?"Mrs Smith says, "I opened a tin of peas".
There once was a blond who was so sick and tired of hearing dumb blond jokes that she decided to have her hair styed and dyed Raven black. She was so impressed with the results and it was such a beautiful day that she decided to treat herself to a long drive through the country in her convertible with the top down.As she was rounding a big bend in the road, she caught sight of this tall grass-covered hillside up ahead. As she drew closer, she spied a flock of sheep grazing on the hill. She pulled her car off the road, got out and began hiking up the hill amidst the flock of sheep. When she reached to top of the hill, she met a shepherd tending his flock."Sir?" she asked him. "Your sheep are just so cute and fluffy! If I can guess exactly how many sheep you have, can I pick one out and take it home as a pet?"The shepherd thought it over and, figuring the odds were in his favor, replied," Sure lady. Go right ahead. Guess away."The woman smiled and said, "You have exactly 346 sheep!"The shepherd's eyes bugged out and a look of shock appeared on his face. After a moment he finally said, "You're right." He sighed and then went on, "Okay. A deal's a deal. Go pick out your new pet."The woman wandered off and then returned with her selection saying, "This is it! I pick this sheep!"The shepherd looked at the sheep, then looked back at her and said..."Lady, if I can guess your original hair color, can I have my dog back?"
One day Jesus decided to stroll down to the Pearly Gates. No sooner did he get there than St. Peter exclaimed, "Oh, I'm so glad you're here, I need to go to the bathroom bad! Watch the Gates for me, will you?""But what am I supposed to do if someone comes?" Jesus asked."Have them fill out the intake sheet," Peter said, pointing to his lectern. "I gotta run — 'bye!""But —" Jesus said, too late; Peter was out of earshot. Jesus was studying the intake sheet when he saw an old man tentatively approaching the Gates. "Welcome to Heaven, sir!" he said.The old man stared. "Heaven — is it true? I'm in heaven?" he whispered. When Jesus nodded, the old man dropped to his knees and said, "Oh, how wonderful! Maybe now I can finally find my son!"Jesus helped him to his feet and said, "I'll be happy to let you in, but first I need to get some information from you so we know where to put you. Now, while you were on earth, what did you do for a living?""I was a carpenter," the old man replied.Jesus was struck by the coincidence, but made a note on the intake sheet and moved on to the next question. "About your family — you say you have, or had, a son, and you believe he's here already, is that correct?""Well, I don't know for sure," the old man said. "We went our separate ways a long time ago, and I heard that he died. But he was a very good son, so I know that if he died, he'll be here."Moved with pity for the old man, Jesus replied, "If he is here, we'll certainly help you find him. Can you give us a description of him?" To which the old man replied, "Oh, he'll be easy for you to recognize: he has nail holes in his hands and feet."Carpenter, good man, separated from family, nail holes — Jesus stared at the old man, dropped his pen and paper, thrust out his hands, and cried, "Papa!!!"And the old man, tears in his own eyes, thrust out his hands and cried, "Pinocchio!!!"
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Joe and Jim, we're neighbouring farmers in Somerset. Their farms bordered each side of a country lane and they met for a break each morning to have a ploughman's lunch. They took turns as hosts at small tables in their sheds.It was Joe's turn to host. A sunny morning, warm but not too hot, he brought his small table out, crockery, cutlery and food. They sat down in the middle of the lane and tucked into their food.Jon, a teenage driver, was trying out his dad's sports car taking country bends as fast as he could. He got round a bend and saw the farmers sitting in the middle of the road. He swerved off the road smashing and completely demolishing Joe's shed.The farmers looked on in astonishment. Joe turned to Jim and said, " Arr 'eck, it were a good job we wuz out 'ere else we'd be dedans."
Pat Murphy and his two mates Mike and Fred were helping to build the Empire State Building. For about the last month they'd been complaining about always getting the same thing for their lunch. Mike and Fred said they'd asked their wives for something different now and again but nothing changed. Sitting high up on the building's framework one day they opened their lunchboxes hoping to see something different. "Bloody hell," said Mike, "this is past a joke, bloody cheese and marmite sandwiches again, l've had it," and he jumped off to his death. Fred opened his box and yelled," oh, my bloody godfather, mutton and pickles again, l've had a gutsful of this," and he jumped off. Pat gingerly opened his box and saw one sandwich with a dried up potato patty in it. He said to himself," oh my God, not again, l can't eat another one of these," and jumped off to his death. At the funerals the three widows were talking about the situation and Mike's widow said, " l didn't think it was so serious, l was going to put something different in Mike's lunch next week." Fred's widow said, " l didn't think Fred was in such a hurry for a change in his lunch, if l'd realized that l would have changed it the next day." Pat's widow had a look of bewilderment on her face when she said, " l can't understand Pat, he's been making his own lunches for years."
A Texan ranch owner was in the UK and visited a local pub in a sheep farming area of Yorkshire. He struck up a conversation with a sheep farmer in the pub. After a bit of chit chat, the Texan asked the Yorkshireman a question. The conversation went thus:Texan - "So, how long does it take you to go from one end of your farm to the other".Yorkshireman – "about 3 hours to walk from one end to the other"Texan – "If I get in my car to drive from one end of my ranch to the other, it'll take me a day"Yorkshireman, after some pause for thought – "Aye, I used to have a car like that."
A very awful man died and was sent to Hell.Satan met him and welcomed him. "Despite what you've heard, this place is not so bad," he purred. "You have choices. Let me show you."He took the man to a corridor with three doors. The man looked in the small window of the first door. Inside he could see people up to their necks in human feces. They were writhing, moaning, and throwing up from the stench.The man was unsure. "That doesn't look so good. Can I see the next room?""Of course!" Satan led him to the next door. Through the window, he saw people up to their waists in excrement. They were also throwing up and miserable."I don't know, " said the man. "Can I see the third room?""But of course!" Satan crooned. He led him to the third door. The man saw people standing in human feces up to their knees. However, this group was having cake and coffee and smiling.The man was relieved. "This room looks the best. I'll go in here," he told Satan."As you wish, sir. Welcome to Eternity." Satan let him into the room.The people inside welcomed him and gave him a piece of cake and some coffee. The man was happy with his choice.Suddenly, a klaxon sounded. Over the intercom, a voice said, "Okay, everyone. Break's over. Back on your heads!"
The towns wealthiest man is dying, and sends for his doctor, lawyer, and priest.On his deathbed he tells them "I know I don't have long for this world. Much as I'm told I can't take it with me, I want your help trying. I'm going to give each of you $1,000,000 and want you to put it in the casket before they burry me". All 3 promise to do so.After the burial, the three are at the wake, and finding some privacy discuss the last request."I couldn't put it in. The hospital needs a new wing to treat the growing population around here. It was donated to the hospital" said the doctor.The priest replied "Don't feel bad, the Parish home for Orphans and Widows needed major repairs, so it was donated for that".The lawyer looked at them, and said "For shame. You broke your promise. I put the whole amount in the coffin. I can't believe I was the only honest one among us"."You did?" said the Pastor. "I didn't see anything in the coffin berfore they closed it" added the Doctor.The lawyer looked at them and said "I put my check in his suit pocket"
Jesus is in the temple in heaven and he noticed that the roof had a small leak in it.He asked for three bids to get it fixed.The first bid was for 25 dollars.The second was for 100 dollarsThe third person big 50,000 dollars.Jesus went to the third person and said, "The first guy said, 25 dollars and the second said 100 dollars, so why was yours 50,000?"The third guy responded, "Well you get 50,000 dollars from your insurance and pay me 24,975 dollars, you keep 25,000 for yourself and I'll pay that first guy to do it for 25 dollars"This truth shows why insurance premiums are so high I'm afraid. ... I've seen the original joke told where each party was a different ethnic group but figured that is not necessary to get the point across.
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman accidentally met up in the Men's Room. The first to finish was the Irishman who walked to the sink and spent several minutes washing his hands and arms. To the others looking surprised, he said, 'When I was young, I was taught that Cleanliness is next to Godliness'.The Scotsman finished next. He walked over to the sink and dipped his fingertips into about a millimetre of water. To the others, he commented 'When I was young I was taught to be frugal'.The Englishman finished, zipped up and walked past the sink straight to the door. As the other two looked at him he said 'When I was young, I was taught not to piss on my hands'.
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Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."
Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average."
Policeman: "About a gallon."
Bruce and Steve , 2 Australians ,flew to England for a working holiday .after applying for a few jobs and missing out they saw a job advertisement for a butler and chauffeur for an elderly titled lady. "This is us " Bruce says to Steve." But we have no idea about those jobs" says Steve. " leave it to me mate, replies Bruce, " I'll do all the talking "So they go along to the interview and it all is going along brilliantly,as the interview is coming to an end ,The titled lady says " well you young men seem to be perfect for the job all I need to see now is your testimonials.As they are walking back down the driveway afterwards,Steve says to Bruce " If you knew the difference between testimonials and testicles I think we might have got those jobs "
A bloke goes to a psychiatrist. He says "Doc I have been having really strange dreams for the last month". Doc asks "Ok. What are the dreams?". Bloke says "It's like there is a football World Cup going on. Every night I see a football match but with donkeys! It's driving me crazy! That's all I think about all day". Doc smiles, thinks for a while, and says "Ok. Here is a prescription. Take 2 pills tonight before sleeping and you won't have any of those dreams any longer." Bloke thanks the doctor profusely, gets up and walks to the door. He pauses, turns around and asks the doc "Doc if it is ok, can I start the medicine from tomorrow night?". Doc looks puzzled and asks him "Why? Why not tonight?". Bloke looks down and whispers "Tonight is the final"
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, and a Welshman are traveling on a plane when the plane encounters some trouble. The captain tells them that they need to lose some weight or they will all die. The Scotsman bravely stands up and says, "I do this for the glory of Scotland" and jumps out of the plane. The captain then says they still need to lose more weight. The Welshman heroically stands up and says, "I do this for the glory of Wales" and throws himself out of the plane. The captain again tells them that they need to lose more weight. Fearlessly, the Irishman jumps up and says, "I do this for the glory of Ireland" before throwing the Englishman out of the plane.
An influential industrialist and his friend, a government minister, are at a reception.The industrialist asks his friend: "Can I ask you a favor?""What can I do for you?" answers the minister and the industrialist continues:"It's my youngest kid. He's 27 now and still hanging around at college. Drinking and pranking with his no good buddies. Too lazy to even look for a job. Wouldn't you be able to find something for him? ""Sure!" answers the minister: "How about I make him assistant-secretary with a salary of 10,000 euros per month?"The industrialist: "That's way too good for him. He has to learn to put some effort in it, you see?""Then how about department head with a monthly pay of 6,000 euros?" says the minister."Still too good. He has to learn to appreciate money. What I want for him is to start at the bottom and receive a 1,200 euros wage just like everyone else. It has to be the kind of job where you have to work hard to prove yourself before you get a raise or a promotion." the industrialist explains."Sorry!" says the minister: "In that case there is nothing I can do for you I'm afraid.""Why not?" asks the surprised industrialist."For such jobs you need to pass exams first." the minister answers.
A guy asks at a zoo if they've got any jobs."Well", says the owner "we're not doing too well and one of the gorillas died the other day. I'll pay you to dress up in a gorilla suit and take his place".So the guy gets dressed in the gorilla suit and is walking around inside the enclosure when a huge great silver back male gorilla approaches him. He's absolutely terrified, scared for his life. He runs as fast as he can and jumps over the enclosure wall.Only to land in the Lion enclosure."Oh my f@cking god" he screams, "help me I'm not a gorilla I'm a human being", as a big lion moves towards him."Shut the f@ck up", says the lion, "or you'll get us all fired"
A beautiful woman is riding her bike across a college campus. She gets off on a lawn in front of an engineer. Throws the bike down and strips down naked. Tell the engineer while holding her arms suggestively in the take whatever you want.The engineer looks at it all and says, 'the clothes won't fit me, but the bike looks great. Thanks' and rides off.
Two women were walking home after a girl's night out and felt the need to pee, so passing a graveyard, they decided to answer the call of nature.Of course, they have no toilet paper, so the first one uses her knickers and then throws them away while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath, pulls it off, and uses that.The next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other, you know we need to watch our wives when they go out for their nights out, my wife came home last night without her knickers. "You think that's bad," said the other husband, mine had a card in her panties that said "from all the guys at the fire station – we'll miss you"
A woman looks around her after getting out of a plane and sees a priest. She asks him if he would do something to help her out. When the priest responds with an "If I could," she says:"Father, I have a brand new and unopened lady's hairdryer on me that would be over the Customs limits, so if you wouldn't mind, could you please carry it inside your robes for me? I'm afraid they'll not let it pass, and I need to gift it to my friend who is seriously ill.""Sure, child! But please note that if I'm questioned, I will not lie.""Thanks Father, I understand, but no one would question you."The priest goes to the men's room, shoves the thingamabob under his robes, comes out and ambles on. When he hits Customs, an official asks: "Do you have anything to declare, Father?""I declare that I have nothing from the top of my head till my waist."The bored official, amused by this, continues:"What do you have to say about the region below your waist?""Oh, I have to declare a contraption that is intended for use on a woman, but that which till date hasn't found its destiny."Tickled to the limit, the official waves the priest through.
When I was young, my dad wanted us to have things that other people had.He was from the Old Country.One day he brought home a Football. We tried throwing it, kicking it, kicking it, and throwing it for a couple ofl hours without success. We were terrible, and ready to quit.Finally a kind neighbor came over and filled it with air.
A little boy told me this one. Do you know why ducks have flat feet? No. From stomping out forest fires! A minute later - Do you know why elephants have flat feet? No. From stomping out burning ducks.
The Minister of Transport from Mossacklandia was invited to visit the Republic of Fonseca to meet his counterpart. He was driven along a bumpy road to a palatial house - the private residence of the Minister of Transport of Fonseca. "What a beautiful house you have here" said the visitor, "How did you pay for it?" "That was easy," replied the host, "The Ministry of Transport built the road that you drove here on, but I used half of the funding to build this house for me and my family." The next year, it was the turn of the Minister from Mossacklandia to host a transport summit. The Minister from Fonseca got off the 'plane, and was invited to step on board a helicopter that flew him across the jungle to an amazing castle, complete with swimming pools, roller-coasters and an ice-rink. "I like your house", he said, "But why is it in the middle of the jungle?" The Minister from Mossacklandia replied "I copied your idea, but instead of using half of the funding for the road, I used all of it."
A wife comes home and says to her husband. 'Amazing, I have saved £300 by buying this lovely bag for only £400 instead of £700 ! What a steal. What do you think love?"Hubby ' Wow, what a great saving and a cool bag! Why don't you buy 5 more and save £1500 and pay this month's mortgage?
A recently widowed woman is be-grieving her recently deceased husband. The mortician asked: "Ma'am, is there anything I can do for you?" The wife says: " My husband ALWAYS wanted to be buried in blue suit, and you have him in black."The mortician says: "Well ma'am, you see,' black is all we have." It's traditional wear, for the dearly departed. It represents the loss, and emptiness we feel. But, I'll do what I can. The widow thanks the mortician and leaves.The following Friday, the widow returns to the mortuary, to view her husband one last time before his funeral Saturday. The mortician directs her behind a drape and she sees her husband in a beautiful blue suit. She was awed by what she saw. "Oh that's just lovely! However did you do it?"The mortician replies: "Well after you left Wednesday,' they brought in another man, who was about the same size, weight, and flesh tone of your husband. His widow, was grieving the fact that her husband was wearing a blue suit, and that he wanted to be buried in a black suit.'""Well, after she left,'' It was just a matter of switching the heads.'"
Many years ago I managed a furniture and interiors store in W. London. One particular day I visited the company's warehouse to select some stock for the store.At lunchtime I went with the warehouse asst. manager (Neil) to the local bookmakers, as he liked a small flutter on the gee-gees. I stood at the back of the bookies waiting for my colleague while he placed his bet (always tiny amounts — 10p here, 20p there. A very sensible gambler) and, as he did so, he dropped his coin on the floor. Upon picking it up, he immediately dropped it again.The bookie behind the counter said "Do you wanna drop anything else?" and, quick as a flash, my colleague replied "I'll drop me trousers, show you me arse!".From the back of the small betting shop I overheard everything and burst out laughing. I also noticed that the bookie was (excuse the expression) p*ssing himself with laughter!In all the years I worked with Neil it was the only particularly funny thing I ever heard him say. But I thought it was brilliant!
A guy goes to the doctor with a severe upset stomach. The doctor diagnoses a tapeworm, but says "not to worry", he's got a surefire cure."Okay!" Says the guy, "When can you start? I can't stand the thought of a tapeworm in me."Doc says, "Okay. Drop your pants, lean over the table." When the guy assumes, Doc suddenly rams a hot dog up there. Waits 15 seconds and rams a hard boiled egg up there. The guy is surprised to say the least, but Doc just tells him to come back tomorrow.Next day, same thing. Doc says, "Drop your pants, lean over the table." Rams a hot dog up there. Waits 15 seconds and rams a hard boiled egg up there. The guy is surprised again, but Doc just tells him to come back tomorrow.This goes on for 6 days, and on the 7th, the guy says, "Hey Doc, I think the cure is worse than the tapeworm. I can't take it anymore. Doc says, "No worries, it will all be over tomorrow."Next day, the guy assumes the position. Doc rams a hot dog up there. Waits 15 seconds.Nothing. Waits 15 more seconds.Nothing. Waits 15 more seconds.Then when the tapeworm stuck his head and yelled, "Hey, where's my boiled egg!?" Doc grabbed it and yanked it out!
Blonde goes for an interview as a detective.. interviewer ok so what's 12 and 12 blonde thinks for a while..24.well done says the interviewer and how many days are in 4 weeks..the blonde thinks for a while...28 sir she says ...well done you're doing well just a few more questions...next who killed Abraham Lincoln..she thinks for a while and as she does the interviewer gets a phone call and says well catch up and finish this tomorrow...ok she says and goes home to her flatmate who asks...how did your I nterview go...great says the blonde I think I ve got the job wow why s that...the interviewer has just asked me to solve my first murder case.
An American business man is in Japan making a big business deal. His hosts take him out for a night of fine dining and heavy drinking and they finish off the evening by getting some escorts. Back at the hotel the American and his escort get busy and she is having a good time but as he starts the final act she gets very animated and starts shouting "machigatta ana". He figures this is a cry of pleasure, finishes and falls asleep. In the morning he is quite hung over but his hosts insist on going to play golf anyway. On the golf course his host makes a great shot, scoring a birdie and begins jumping about and shouting so the American chimes in with "machigatta ana". The guy who made the shot looks at him crossly and says: "What do you mean it's the wrong hole."
I was called for jury duty and it was explained to the prospective jury pool that it was going to be a case of extended duration, i.e. at least two weeks. The pool was asked if that would be problematic for anyone and they should raise their hand. Several did. When the judge got to me, he asked what my issue was. I explained that I was under a doctor's care for an foot infection and was seeing the doctor several times a week. The judge asked me how serious the infection was and I replied "I don't exactly know but my doctor keeps wondering why it's green." The judge and the folks in the courtoom laughed and he told me I could go.
An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a 10-litre bucket of manure in the other:The Indian says to the bartender, "Me want Lager!"The bartender says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He then serves the Indian a tall glass of Tennents Lager. The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out.Five days later, the Indian returns:He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other.He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender:"Me want beer!"The bartender says, "Whoa there Chief, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were here... What was that all about anyway?" he asked.The Indian explained, "Me training for job as politician. Drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days come back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind....."
Three swordsmen, a Christian, a Muslim and a Jew were arguing over who was the best, so they decided to have a little contest.First up was the Christian, who took his mighty sword and with two blows he cut a tree in half. Such strength. Such power. Everyone was impressed.Next was the Muslim, who threw a silk handkerchief in the air, and then in one stroke he drew his fine, sharp Damascus blade and cut the handkerchief in half as it fell. Such sharpness, such precision. Everyone congratulated him.Finally it was the Jewish swordsman's turn. He took out a relatively small sword and his competitors looked at him and almost laughed. Then he pulled out a small wooden box, set it on the table, and said, "In here is a fly." He opened the box and as the fly came out and flew away, he slashed at it, once. But the fly just kept on flying. Now the other two swordsmen DID laugh. So he looked at them and said, "What? Doesn't circumcision count?"
Bill and Bob, two young guys, were sitting outside a clinic.Bill happened to be crying very loudly."Why are you crying?" Bob asked."I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill."So? Are you afraid?""No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob,"Why are you crying now?"To which Bob replied,"I came for a urine test!"
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes into the monastery and asks the monks if he can stay for the night. They graciously accept and shelter him for the night, and even help fix his car. As he's trying to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say "Sorry, we can't tell you, you're not a monk." He's disappointed, but he thanks them anyway and heads out.Years later, he breaks down in front of the same monastery, and once again, the monks take him in for the night. He hears the same strange sound, he asks again what it was. They tell him the same thing they told him before: "Sorry, we can't tell you, you're not a monk."At this point, the man says "Alright, I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out is to become a monk, then how do I become a monk?"The monks tell him "You must travel the earth and count every blade of grass and every grain of sand there is. Return to us with these numbers, and you will be made a monk."Determined, the man sets off to his task. Decades later, he returns to the monastery.He tells the monks "I have traveled the earth and found the information you requested. There are 145,236,687,353 blades of grass and 246,243,379,574,475,133 grains of sand on the earth."The monks reply "Congratulations, you are now a monk. We will now lead you to the source of the sound."They lead him to a large, ornate wooden door. The source of the sound is right behind this door.He reaches for the handle, only to find it is locked.He says "Very funny. May I have the key?"The monks provide the key, and he opens the door, only to find that behind the wooden door is a large, elaborate stone door.He demands the key to this door as well, only to find a large, intricate silver door behind it.Behind the silver door is another door, made of gold. Behind the gold door is another door, made of ruby. Behind the ruby door is another door, made of sapphire.The process goes on for several more doors, made of emerald, topaz, and amethyst.Finally, the monks tell the man that he has reached the final door. He's relieved to have finally reached the end.He unlocks the final door, and pulls it open, amazed to finally find the source of the strange noise.What was it?Sorry, I can't tell you. You're not a monk.
Well-dressed guy drives into a construction site in his BMW. Walks into the foreman's office, shows his Union card, asks for job as a labourer. Foreman signs him on, asks him, 'Why d'you wanna work here? You're obviously not desperate for money." Guy says, "I'm a gambler. For instance - I'll bet you a thousand dollars that a week from now, you'll have a hernia - one of your balls'll drop as far as your knees." Foreman - super-fit, never a day's illness in his life - says, "You're on!" and they shake on the bet. A week later, foreman walks up to the bloke, says, "Where's my thousand bucks?" Bloke says, "Drop your pants - I want proof in front of witnesses before I pay." Foreman drops his strides in the middle of the work crew; guy gets his trowel, checks the foreman's balls haven't dropped, pays the foreman $1,000. Foreman pockets his money - easiest grand he's ever made; asks the bloke, "Why did ya bet on something you knew you were gonna lose on?" Guy looks around and says, "Well, I bet every one of these 30 blokes here, a thousand bucks that I'd have your balls on a trowel by the end of the week!"
A bus full of ugly people get into an accident and die. They all go up to heaven.Well, God pushes St. Pete aside, who normally greets the new arrivals, and addresses them."Folks, I feel so terrible that I was compelled to meet you in person." starts God. "Not only did I make all of you ugly, I killed you off pretty early. So Ill tell you what. I will grant you any wish you want while in heaven. So you cant ask to be alive on earth, but you will have whatever you want in heaven."So the first person gets off the bus. As they all begin to file off the bus, God greets each one granting them their wish."What is your wish, my child?" God asks."I want to be beautiful!" Makes sense - she's been ugly her whole life.POOF! She is a beautiful woman.So folks start catching on - they want to know what its like!Next guy "Yeah, ya know? I want to be a handsome angel" POOF!And so on.Well, guy at the end of the line begins snorting, trying hard to hold in his laughter. God gives him a glare, but continues."I want to be beautiful!" "I want to be gorgeous!" "I want to be handsome"God continues, like a factory line, granting these wishes as the folks get off the bus.By now the guy at the end of the line is busting out laughing now. He cant help it; almost in tears.God continues granting everyone their wish - all asking for the same; to be good looking / beautiful / handsome!Finally, God reaches the end of the line; the guy who's been crackin up this whole time."OK, Chuckles" God asks. "What is your wish?"The guy calms his laughter and says "Make them all ugly again!"
Two vampire bats are sitting in a cave. They haven't seen an animal for ages and are desperate for some blood to drink. Finally one turns to the other and says "right. I'm going to fly out and search high and low until I find something to drink." With that he sets off into the night. About an hour later be returns with his face just covered in blood. There's so much it's dripping off him."What did you find? Tell me what you found!" Shouts the other bat excitedly."Well," says the first "Do you see that house over in the distance?""Yes!" Cries the second."And beyond that can you see that lake?""I can, I can!""And the other side of that do you see the church with its high steeple?""I see it, I see it!" Shrieked the second bat."Well I didn't"
Mom and Dad are sitting on the sofa...Little Johnny is at the breakfast bar trying, with great difficulty, to remove the foil lid from a little of yoghurt..."Stupid fornicateing lid !" he says...Mom looks to Dad and says "I wonder where he gets that from ?"...Dad replies "Well out of the fornicateing fridge of course ya stupid bitch !"...
An English street light repairman has been sent to a town in Wales to repair a row of antique street lights on the Main Street.
As he worked up on the poles he is passed by several of the villagers. " Cheers" the Englishman would say with a friendly smile.
"F*ck off you English bastard" came the reply.
This went on all morning. Every time someone approached while the Englishman worked he would say "Cheers."
"F*ck off you English bastard." Was always the reply.At lunch the Englishman decided to visit the local pub. Bartender served the Englishman a pint and started cleaning some glasses.
"Can I ask you something mate?"
"Sure" said the Bartender.
"Every time someone passes me by while I'm working I say 'cheers' but everyone keeps saying 'f*ck off you English bastard."
"Ah," said the bartender with a grin. "You have to speak the native tongue here. Next time someone approaches instead of saying Cheers say Yaki Dah. I think you will find people will be much more friendly to you".
"Thank you!" said the Englishman excitedly. He then left the bar and went back to work.As the Englishman worked he was very anxious for someone to approach him so he could try out what the bartender told him. But as luck would have it no one came. The Englishman became disappointed not seeing a single soul pass by now. Suddenly a man came walking up the sidewalk towards him. The Englishman became excited as he watched the man approach. As soon as he was close the Englishman said "Yaki Dah!"
"F*ck off you Welsh bastard." Said the man.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything
behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a
billiard ball.The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off
my pool table -- whole!""Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a
drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a
maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and
eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he
asks."Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he
swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first." ;)
An Irishman walks into an Irish pub and as he pulls up to the bar and has a conversation with a couple of other patrons. "this bar is OK, but it doesn't compare to O'hara's...At O'hara's you buy two drinks and then he buys you one." "Well," says the guy sitting to his right, "At O'grady's you buy one drink and then he buys you one. You buy another and he buys you another!" "Ha!" says the patron sitting to his left, "At McDougals he buys you a drink. Then he buys you two more. And then he takes you out back and gets you laid!" The other patrons scoffed and said he's making it up. "No really" came the reply - "It happened to my sister!"
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.""I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "OK. Go ahead."Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."The auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous."Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands."Are you OK?" the auditor asks."Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."Don't mess with old people!
A voluptuous young blonde wrecked her car and went to Heaven the same day the Queen died. St. Pete tells them, "I have bad news, we are overbooked, and there isonly space for one more at this time. So we will have a talent competition for me to decide which of you gets in." The blonde, being an ex-stripper, puts on a mouth-watering performance, even going so far as to bury St. Pete's face in her 46DD cleavage. She figures she's a shoo-in, as the Queen went to a nearby bathroom stall, took a loud stinking shit, flushed and walked back out. St. Pete welcomes the Queen to Heaven. The young lady is livid, and demands to appeal the decision before God, alleging class bias. God smiles and says, "I'm sorry young lady, but even in Heaven a royal flush beats even the best pair!"
A young lady suggested to her inexperienced boyfriend that they should have sex."Uhh.. I dunno" he said.. "I heard women had teeth... down there"She laughed.. "No, silly, we don't! Here, have a look!"She hitched up her skirt, spread her legs and let him take a good look."You're right!" he said, relieved. "But MY GOD, look at the state of your gums!"
A guy's slobbing out in trackies, slippers and a paint splattered t-shirt, watching TV when his wife asks him to pop round the shop to get some eggs for his tea.He's gone a long time and his wife is getting worried when there's a knock at the door. She opens it and there's a cop who tells her he's been hit by a lorry and she has to come down to the morgue to identify the body.The morque assistant leads her in and she confirms it's her husband then she notices another body laying on the next table; he's wearing immaculately shined shoes, and a beautifully tailored Italian silk suit.She says to the assistant "Look at that, that guy looks like a male model, and there's my old man looking like a tramp"The assistant looks around to check no-one's listening and says "he hasn't been claimed yet, give me five minutes"She goes out and waits in the corridor, a couple of minutes later the assistant beckons her back in.Now the unknown body is wearing trackies, slippers and a paint spattered t-shirt and her husband is wearing shiny shoes and a beautifully tailored Italian silk suit."Oh, doesn't he look lovely" she says but then her conscience takes over and she says "No, I can't let that poor man's family see him like that when they do come for him, I'm sorry to mess you about but can you change him back if it's not too much trouble?""It's no trouble at all" he says, "I'll just swap the heads back over"
Two blondes were trekking in the Australian outback when they found some tracks. Oh look!, blonde one exclaims, Dingo Tracks!. Don't be so stupid blonde 2 replies, They are much too wide to be dingo tracks, they are camel tracks! Don't you call me stupid, blonde one angrily replies, I know dingo tracks when I see them! A heated argument broke out between the two blondes. They were still arguing loudly when the train came along and hit them.
A guy is staggering in the heat of the southwest desert in the 19th century. He stumbles into a small town and a man asks him "why don't you buy a horse?" The guy says "I don't have much money". So the local man introduces him to a horse seller and asks if he has any affordable horses. The seller says "Well, I have one for $20 and another for $10...The guy says "What's the difference?" and the seller says, "Well, a preacher man had this horse, and he just died so his wife asked me to sell it. It's a good horse; it just responds to unusual commands is all." So the guy says, "OK, I'll take the cheaper one!" He pays the money, gets on the horse and says "Giddyup!" The horse doesn't move, so the seller says, "No, no! If you want it go, you say 'Oh, Lord' and when you want it stop, you say 'Amen." "Oh, OK!" The guys nudges the horse with his knees and says, "Oh, Lord", and the horse takes off at a dead run. The guy sees a cliff looming ahead, and he screams in panic: "Whoa! Whoa! STOP!" but the horse keeps running. At the last second, the guy remembers and screams "Amen!!!" The horse stops at the very edge of the cliff, and the guy wipes his brow and says, " WHEW, OH LORD!"
Two men are in the doctor's waiting room. They know each other, so they are allowed to talk to each other."What are you here for?" Asks Fred."I've got a red ring around my todger." Says Bert."What a coincidence." Says Fred. "I've got a green ring around mine."Bert gets called into see the doctor. Five minutes later he comes out and says "Well, that was OK. I've just got to wash it with soap and water."Fred, relieved, strolls in to see the doctor, explains the problem and whips his todger out for inspection."I'm sorry. Says the doc. "We're going to have to amputate.""What!" Says Fred. "But Bert just had to wash his!""Ah." Says the doc. "There's a big difference between lipstick and gangrene".
An extremely rich man dies and goes to heaven. Outside the pearly gates, St. Peter is standing guard.St Peter says to the rich man, 'Can I help you?'The rich man says, 'Yes, I'm a very rich person, and I want into heaven.'St. Peter: 'What good things have you done?'.The rich man thinks for a moment and replies, 'Well, once I gave a man 5 cents to get a cup of coffee.'St. Peter: 'Anything else?'The rich man thinks for a moment.Rich man: 'I gave a man 10 cents to get a bowl of soup.'St. Peter: 'Anything else?'Rich man: 'No, that's all."St. Peter: 'Well, I can't decide what to do with you. I'll have to ask God.'St. Peter yells to God.St. Peter: 'God, I have this rich man out here and he wants into heaven. He says he gave a man 5 cents to get a cup of coffee, and another time gave someone 10 cents to get a bowl of soup. What should I do with him?'There's a long silence, and then God yells to St. Peter.God: 'Give the son-of-a-bitch his 15 cents back and tell him to go to hell!'
A man is talking to his lawyer at the police station."What are you charged with?" "Public indecency." "Tell me about it." "I have a compulsion to do what the music says. If they play the Twist, I Twist. If they play a waltz , I waltz." "I understand. What got you arrested?" "They played Come On Eileen."
It is a hot summer day. An Englishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman all walk into a pub and ask for a pint each.The barman places 3 beers with nice heads of foam on the bar.Just then, three flies come into the pub through the open window. Each fly lands on the head of each of the three beers, getting trapped in the foam.The Englishman picks up his beer and examines the fly caught in the head. He places his mug back down on the bar. "Barman!", he says. "There is a fly in my beer. Please dump this one and give me a new pint in a clean mug."The Welshman picks up his beer and examines the fly caught in the head. With his other hand he deftly flicks the fly away with a snap of his fingers. He then proceeds to drink the delicious beer.The Scotsman picks up his beer and examines the fly caught in the head. He then very carefully picks up the fly by its wings and starts shaking it vigorously over his beer while yelling "Spit it oot ye wee bastard!"
A little boy walking with his father sees two dogs mating and asks his father what they're doing.Not wanting to compromise his son's innocence, the father says,"Well, son, one of the dogs is hurt and his friend is helping him home by carrying him on its back."The little boy replies,"Gee, Dad, that's just like life. Try to help out a friend and they'll shove it up your ass every time."
Paddy goes for a building job in London. He's getting on in age, he used to work there in the 60's but went to Cambridge to study physics and literature in later years.The young foreman explains the various qualifications and certificates needed, but they agree that given his academic background they can do a simple test right now.Q1: Paddy, if I drop a 1kg brick from a 10m window, how fast is it going after 1 second? Easy, 9.81 metres per second.Q2: Right Paddy, if I fill a bucket of with ten litres of water, what is the weight increase? Simple, ten kilos.Q3: Ok Paddy, explain the difference between a girder and a joist. No problem, Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses.
A customer just leaves a chemist shop, and the chemist races down the street after him."Thank goodness I've caught you! I've just made a terrible mistake. You asked for something for indigestion and I accidentally gave you cyanide capsules.""Oh, what's the difference?" asks the customer.The chemist holds out his hand and says, "50 cents"
Two guys get seated next to each other on a plane and realize they both have black eyes."What a coincidence!", they both agree.The first guy says, "yea you know, women".So the second guy says, "what do you mean?"."Well, when I was buying my ticket, I meant to say, 'May I have one ticket to Pittsburgh?', but the lady at the counter had a really nice rack so instead I said, 'May I get one picket to Tittsburgh?', and she socked me"."Wow", the second guy says, "that's kind of like what happened to me"."How so?"."Well, I was having breakfast with my wife, and I meant to say, 'would you please pass the eggs, honey?', but instead I said, 'you ruined my life you f bitch!"
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.""How much?" asked Grandpa."$10 a pill," answered the son."I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He calledGrandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.""I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
A guy gets steaming drunk at the local pub. It is pitch black and raining cats and dogs, so he decides to take a short cut home through the cemetery. Unfortunately, because of the dark and the slippery conditions, he falls into a newly dug grave. He tries to climb out, but it is so wet and slippery that he just can't do it. After an hour of trying, he gives up and decides to sit in in the corner of the grave and wait until daylight. Around midnight, another drunk is on his way home through the cemetery and he also falls into the open grave. He tries to climb out, but like the first drunk he is unable to because it is so dark and slippery. The first drunk watches, as he tries in vain to climb out. After 10 minutes, the first drunk stands up, taps him on the shoulder and says, "You'll never get out!"......WHOOSH, and he was out.
[font=-apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen-Sans, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif]Then there was the young lady walking her dog ,who met this old guy on a footpath,and went by without a word of greeting. The old guy turned around and remarked to her, '' That's a nice pig you have there." The woman, a bit annoyed, replied "This is not a pig, it is a dog." The man countered, " Lady I was speaking to the dog."[/font]
Bill Clinton and the Pope dies the same day but by some reason the Pope ends up in Hell. He complains to the staff and they look in his papers and says "Yes, you're absolutely right, there have been a mix up. But you have to wait 24 hours here but don't worry, no fires or other nasty thing, you get a room to wait in." The Pope is satisfied and waits in his room.24 hours later he is taken to two escalators, one going up and one coming down. He gets on the one going up. After a while he sees that it is Bill Clinton coming down. What do you say to a man you have condemed to etarnity in Hell?When the Pope is in talking range he says to Clinton "You must excuse me but the reason I became a priest and eventally the Pope was that I wanted to meet Virgin Mary." Clinton then calmly replies "Well then, my friend, you are 24 hours to late.";)
Dad takes his two boys to the diner. The waitress asks the first son "What would you like, honey?".Boy replies "I'd like a goddam cheeseburger!".Dad smacks the boy across his head.The waitress tries to salvage the situation, asking the younger boy "and what would you like to eat, sweetheart?"Younger son looks at his brother, his father, the waitress, back to his brother, then the waitress..."Well...you can bet your sweet ass I ain't gonna order no goddam cheeseburger!"
A man goes to the cemetery to visit his late wife. He suddenly notices a man across the way who is inconsolable. The man is pounding the ground with his fist and sobbing "why did you have to die why why why?The other man rushes over and tries to calm him down. He says "I understand the deceased must have been very very close to you". The man, still sobbing, says "no, never met him" and begins pounding the ground and repeating "why why why did you die?"The first man is terrbly confused. "May I ask you who is buried here?"The sobbing man pauses to say "it's my wife's first husband "
An older, married couple went to the shops one day, and they got separated. The woman called her husband's mobile phone, and the following conversation ensued:WOMAN: Where are you?MAN: You remember years ago, we were here and there was a little jewelry shop near the square?W: Yes, I remember that store.M: That was the store where you saw a diamond necklace, and you fell in love with it. You remember?W (excitedly): Yes, yes, I remember that necklace!M: And we were poor and just getting by, but I told you one day I'd buy that necklace for you, didn't I?W (nearly weeping with joy): Oh, yes, I remember that promise! I remember it all!M: Yeah, well, I'm having meself a pint in the pub next door to it.
Two friends, Jimmy and Steve are out for a Sunday drive. The lights ahead turn red and Jimmy steams right through the intersection. Steve is mortified. 'Relax amigo,' reassures Jimmy, 'my brother Johnny does that all the time.' A few blocks down, the lights turn red and Jimmy cruises on through it. Steve is aghast. "You did it again!' 'Take it easy bro, my brother does it all the time.' They drive on and the next light turns green and Jimmy screeches to a halt. 'What the blue fck is going on!' shouts Steve, 'the light's green!' Jimmy looks to the right. 'Yeah, I know man, but my brother might be coming the other way.'
A young lad goes off to University and after a while moves into a flat with a roommate.His Mother comes to visit one day for Sunday dinner, and is shocked to find that the roommate is not another bloke, but a young, stunningly beautiful woman. The son assures her though that despite that, they're just friends. Barely that in fact - they get along, share the rent and chores and study.During dinner, Mother admires an item the lad has picked up for the kitchen: a lovely antique serving ladle - silver, with charming decorations. The young man explains he picked it up in an antique store because it reminded him of home.Well, dinner was a great success and Mother went home, satisfied. After a while though, the lad realized he could not find the ladle anywhere. Not in the kitchen, not in the dining room. He was aghast - his own mother stole from him?He sent a note to his mum, not actually accusing her but inquiring as to where the ladle went. The note ended:"I'm not saying you took it and I'm not saying you didn't, but if it was to be returned nothing more would be said."Mother's return note was prompt:"I'm not saying you are sleeping with her and I'm not saying you're not, but if she was sleeping in her own bed, she'd have found the ladle."
My neighbor just ran over here crying hysterically. I said, "Oh my, what's wrong?" He said he just got a call from his doctor with his medical test results. The doctor told him, "Well, I have bad news, and then I have worse news." My neighbor said, "Oh my God, that sounds terrible! What's the bad news?" The doctor replied, "your test results came back and said you only have 24 hours to live." My neighbor broke down crying and said, "That's horrible!! What could possibly be worse news than that!?" The doctor responded, "I was supposed to call you yesterday."
An elderly lady was concerned about her husband's hearing.It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn't respond.So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.The doctor said to her, "when you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you."She thought this was a great idea.When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, "Herbert, what do you want for dinner?"There was no response.She moved 10 feet closer.Again she yelled, "Herbert, what do you want for dinner?"No response.She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband.She yelled even louder this time, "HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?"Herbert yelled back at her, "For the THIRD time, I want chicken!"
A burglar breaks into a house one night and is creeping around looking for things to steal. Suddenly a voice says "Jesus is watching you!"Startled, the burglar looks to see who spoke, and spots a parrot in a cage. He goes up to the cage and asks "Are you Jesus then?" To which the parrot replies "No. I'm Moses.""What kind of a daft pillock calls a parrot Moses?" ask the burglar.The parrot replies "The same daft pillock that calls a rottweiler Jesus."
A man goes to the bar with his friends. He finishes his beer and puts his glass on a random table.Then he goes to the bartender and says: I'll bet you for 500 dollars that I can pee from this distance, in that glass over there, without spilling a drop.No way, that's impossible, says the bartender, you're on!So the man does his business and pees all over the place, everywhere but in the glass.I told you so, says the bartender, you owe me 500 dollars!Yes, says the man, but did you know? I made a bet with each of my friends for 500 dollars, that I would piss all over the place and you would LOVE it nevertheless!
A man walks into his local butcher's shop and asks for his usual order of bacon rashers.Handing over the order to his long time customer and friend, the butcher remembers to tell him about the bizarre incident that happened earlier in the week:"You wouldn't believe what happened in here the other day! I caught my apprentice, butt naked on the countertop, putting his willy in the bacon slicer in front of my customers! He made a right mess of the place! Obviously I had to sack him on the spot..."The man looks at the order of bacon he is holding in his hands and says: "I hope you don't mind me asking, but what did you do with the bacon slicer? "The butcher replies: "I had to sack her too".
A man goes into a pub and orders three pints all at once. He slowly drinks all three, then leaves.He does this every Friday for a month or so, when finally the barman says "Wouldn't it be better if I pour you a pint at a time, so each will be fresh when you come to drink it?""That's sensible" says the man, half way through the first pint "except I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in Canada and I like to imagine the three of us sitting here having a drink all together""I see" says the barman, and nothing more is said.Just after Christmas the man comes in and orders just two pints. He looks miserable, and so the barman assumes something has happened to one of the brothers. "I'm so sorry for you loss" he says."Oh, my brothers are fine" the man says, "It's me...I'm doing dry January".
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, gripping the wall, he slowly makes it to the kitchen.There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones.Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?Mustering one great final effort, he threw himselftowards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon......'F*** off' she said, 'they're for the funeral
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!" And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration.." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." lol
A nun gets out of bed gets dressed and walks down the Corridor.Another nun walks towards her and says "Sister Mary. You got out the wrong side of bed this morning!"Sister Mary responded "I most certainly did not!!!"She walks into the dining room and another nun says to her "Sister Mary, I think you got out the wrong side of bed this morning."Sister Mary little bit upset shouts back "I have not got out the wrong side of bed"Sister Mary storms off to pray as she walks into the chapel Mother Superior sees her"Sister Mary", she says "you appear to have have gotten out of the wrong side of bed this morning".Sister Mary responds In tears "No Mother Superior I have not"The Mother Superior says, "why then Mary are you are wearing the bishops slippers...."
A jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at a very big company.The employer interviewed him, then a test: clean the floor."You are hired." – the employer said. "Give me your email address, and I'll send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start."The man replied, "I don't have a computer, neither an email.""I'm sorry," said the employer, "if you don't have an email that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."The man left with no hope. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 USD in his pocket.He then decided to go to the supermarket, bought a 10kg tomato crate, then sold the tomatoes door to door. In less than two hours, he succeeded and doubled his capital.He repeated the operation 3 times and returned home with $60 USD. The man realized that he could survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and returned late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.Five years later, the man's company was one of the biggest food retailers. He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.He called an insurance broker and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied: "I don't have an email."The broker replied curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Do you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?"The man paused for a while, and replied: "An office boy!"
Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby.Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnny. Johnny said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?''Yes', the mother replied, 'We are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have perfect vision.''That's great', said Little Johnny, 'coz he'd be fornicateed if he needed glasses'.
A guy goes to a tattoo parlour and asks to have his girlfriends name on his dong. The tattooist is a lovely woman and he's got a bone on as she tattoos Wendy. Later he's having a leak in a public toilet and all that's visible is the w and y. He glances at the guy next to him who also has w and y on his dong. The first guy asks whether he has a girlfriend called Wendy ? The other guy says no I work for an airline. It says, 'welcome to America, have a nice day'.
A man is in his garden enjoying a cup of tea when he notices his seven-year-old neighbour digging in her garden.''Hello, love. What you doin' there then?""I'm burying my goldfish.""Oh, that's a shame. Still, it's only a goldfish isn't it I s'pose. But why are you digging such a big hole?""Because it's inside your fornicateing cat."
A police officer is sitting in his car, writing a report. He sees a little girl with a blue wagon coming toward him. There are three dogs hitched to the wagon and she has cardboard signs that say POLICE on both sides.He looks at her and says, "That's a nice police car you have." She says, "Thank you, sir." Just then, he notices that she has the ropes to the two outside dogs attached to their collars, but the middle dog has the rope tied around its testicles.He says, "You know, if you tied that rope to the middle dog's collar, you could go faster."She says, "Probably, but then I wouldn't have a siren.
A man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks to start with.
First is to clear the exotic fish pond of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who is boss he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, since lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them in with the lions.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?" The old lion says "Absolutely brilliant.
Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."
A nun and priests are golfing. The nun hits the ball and it goes straight down the fairway, the priest hits of all and it hooks to the left. The priest says "Goddammit...I missed!". The nun says "Father, do not say that for God will truly strike you dead!". They finish the first hole.On the second hole, the nun hits the ball and it lands on the green. The priest hits the ball and it lands in the sand trap. The priest says "Goddammit...I missed!". The nun says"Father, do not say that for God will surely strike you dead!". They finish the second hole.On the third hole the nun hits a ball...and it's a hole in one! The priest hits the ball...and it lands in the water trap! The priest says "Goddammit...I missed!".All of a sudden a huge cloud forms, a door opens in the cloud, and a lightning bolt shoots down and strikes the nun dead! The priest is stunned...he looks up in the cloud and hears......"Goddammit...I Missed!!!".
A lady goes into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looks straight into his eyes, and says
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asks, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."The pharmacists eyes get big and he exclaims: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!"The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband, naked in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looks at the picture and replies: "Okay, I see you have a valid drug prescription ..."
A guy has been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day a plane spots him and they send a boat to rescue him. The boat pulls into the cove, the guy hops on board, and the boat heads back out to see.On the way out of the cove, the captain says to the guy, "Hey, I see three buildings near the beach. Why three buildings? What are they for?"The guy says, "Well, the one in the center is my home."The captain then says, "Well, what about the building on the right?"The guy says, "That's my church."The captain replies again, "Well, what about the building on the left?"The guy says, "Oh, that's the church I used to go to."
Mr Smith who is 95 goes to the doctor for his annual check up. The doctor suggests that he get exercise. He tells the doctor that he likes to play golf. But because of his eyes, he can no longer see where he hits the ball. The doctor suggests he get in touch with Mr. Jones who is also 95. He tells him, " Mr. Jones has the eyes of an eagle. He can see for miles and miles." So Mr. Smith gets in touch with Mr. Jones and makes an appointment to play golf. When they get to the golf course, Mr. Smith gets up to the tee and asks Mr. Jones if he will watch the ball to see where it goes. He asks " Are you sure you can see where I will hit my ball?" Mr. Jones replies, "Of course I can see where you hit the ball. I have the eyes of an eagle. I can see for miles and miles." Mr Smith hits the ball. He asks Mr. Jones if he saw where he hit the ball. Mr. Jones says, "Of course I saw where you hit the ball. I told you I have the eyes of an eagle. I can see for miles and miles. Mr. Smith then asks, " Where is my golf ball? Mr. Jones replies, "I forgot."
An old woman goes to her doctor, and explains that she's been experiencing a lot of flatulence lately. She says that they make no sound, and they don't smell, but it's embarrassing! In fact, Doctor, I've farted four or five times while sitting here, and I'm sure you can't tell, but I can! Please do something about this!The doctor gives her some pills to take, and tells her to come back in a week.She comes back in a week, and she's furious. Doctor, she says, what on Earth was in those pills?!? I'm farting as much as ever, and they still don't make noise, but now they smell awful!!The doctor calmly replies: now that we've cleared out your sinuses, let's see if we can do something about your hearing...
The postman comes to the door to deliver the day's mail.The woman meets the postman at the door and he says, "After 25 years, I'm retiring today. This is my last delivery."The woman says, "I know, I've got a few gifts for you. Please come in."When he comes in, she takes him to the kitchen where he sees a full table of bacon, eggs, pancakes, fresh coffee and danish. He has the best breakfast he's ever had.After breakfast, she takes him to her bedroom and they have mad, passionate sex.Afterwards, she hands him a $20 bill.He's astonished and says, "This has been the best morning of my life but why all of this for me?"She says, "I asked my husband what I should do for your last day and he said, fornicate the postman, give him $20. The breakfast was my idea!"
A Yorkshire girl was leaving home to work in London. Her mum warned her about southerners and how they always try to rip off northerners. "They will try to charge you twice what something is worth so always pay half price!"On her first Saturday off she decided to have a look around the famous Camden market. As she looked around she sees a nice dress, " How much for the dress?" she asked. "£60" was the reply. " I'll give you £30" and a lengthy negotiation began. Eventually the trader reluctantly agreed to £30 "I'll give you £15!" Says our Yorkshire lass, and a more heated discussion takes place. " Okay,Okay £15 then" the trader gives in. "£7!" The girl demands! Even more heated debate and a crowd starts to gather.Giving up and nearly in tears the trader says "Look love, just take the dress, it's free." Our girl hardly needs a second to think " I'll take two! "
A young lawyer, just starting out, defends prostitutes in court. One of the girls he gets acquitted is Sally. Sally has natural blonde hair, is quite boobacious, with legs that go on for milesOne evening the lawyer and his girlfriend are walking down the street when Sally sees them. She gives them a friendly wave and is dressed for business.The girlfriend looks at her and knows what Sally is.That hooker is looking at you and waving. How do you know her?I've met her, professionally.Really? Whose profession, yours or hers?
An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are scaffolding workers eating their lunch. The Englishman opens his lunch box and cries out,"Bangers and Mash! I've had this every day for a month now. If I get bangers and mash again I'll throw myself into the street below."The Scotsman opens his lunch box and cries out,"Haggis! I've had this every day for a month now. If I get haggis again I'll throw myself into the street below."The Irishman opens his lunch box and cries out,"Potatoes! I've had them every day for a month now. If I get potatoes again I'll throw myself into the street below."The following day the Englishman opens his lunch box."Bangers and mash!" he shouts, and promptly jumps to his death.Then the Scotsman opens his lunch box."Haggis!" he shouts, and promptly jumps to his death.Then the Irishman opens his lunch box."Potatoes!" he shouts, and promptly jumps to his death.Later that day the site foreman meets with the bereaved widows of the three men and explains what happened."If I'd only known John didn't like bangers and mash every day," weeps the Englishman's widow."If I'd only known Andy didn't like haggis every day," weeps the Scotsman's widow."Don't look at me," say the Irishman's widow. "Paddy always makes his own lunch."
Lord Marmaduke was doing his evening stroll around the deck of the Titanic. Suddenly, he saw an iceberg which tore a great hole in the starboard side of the ship. He said to himself, "We are doomed." He went to the bar and ordered a large whisky. The barman gave him two. He said, "I only asked for one". "Yes , my Lord," said the barman, "but, it is Happy Hour."
One day a country pastor decided to close the church on a Sunday to go hunting. He puts a sign on the front door saying "gone hunting. See you next Sunday" he goes to the forest and gets nothing. Just as he's about to leave he sees a big grizzly bear. He says "Lord help me get this bear" he shoots and misses ticking the bear off and causing it to o chase the pastor. Finally out of breath the pastor yells "Lord I'm sorry for skipping Church make this bear a Christian." The bear stops gets on it's knees and says "Dear Lord thank you for this meal I'm about to eat".
[font=-apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen-Sans, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif]A famous American evangelist preacher comes to England and during one of his sell-out presentations at a large packed-out hall starts preaching the power of the the lord and says that God can cure anything and asks "does anyone here have any affliction?", a perfectly normal-looking guy comes up to the stage, the preachers asks "what is your affliction?" "ai a un pich pedimen", "excuse me?" says the preacher, "pich pedimen", "oh, you have a speech impediment?", the man nods his head, "what's your name?" "Fuwed", "Okay, Fred, do you believe in God?". "yes" says Fred.[/font][font=-apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen-Sans, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif]Another guy comes up to the stage on crutches, the preacher says "well, I can see what's wrong, you can't walk- right?" "yes, I have been lame since birth", "okay, what's your name", "Charlie", says the guy. "Okay Charlie, do you believe in God?", "yes" says the man. "Okay, go behind that screen and just have faith", the two men go behind a screen on the stage and the preacher starts addressing the audience in his loud southern baptist American accent, " The lord is powerful, he can cure our ills, believe in the almighty lord, have faith in God", he gradually whips the crowd into a frenzy and tell the public to hold hands, "with the power of the lord we can cure these two people", he closes his eyes and shouts "Charlie, throw away your crutches", two crutches miraculously come flying over the screen", "Fred, say something", a faint panicked voice with an impediment responds "Charlie's fallen over".[/font]
A guy comes home to find his mother-in-law unconcious on the kitchen floor.He calls the EMTs and they take her to the hospital's emergency room.After following the ambulance and navigating to the ER waiting room he sits down to await news.Finally a doctor comes out to update him and says that he has bad news and good news and which would he prefer to hear first.The guy thinks for a moment and replies "The bad news".The ER doc replies:- "Your mother-in-law has had a massive stroke.
- She is clinically still alive but cannot speak - she can only make quacking sounds like a duck.
- She also cannot eat and has no bowel or bladder control.
- She may live another 20 years, but during that time you will have to feed her strsined baby food, wash her, and change her disper several times a day."
"Oh my god, the guy says, what"s the good news?"The doc says "The good news is........... I was just kidding about that other stuff: she's dead."
I picked up this female hitchhiker in her thirty's dressed in army fatigues along the local highway, after traveling a couple miles she mentioned she had been waiting along time for a ride ,then stated, " People probably think I'm some sort of killer dressed like this," then she looked at me and asked, " What I would say if she confessed to being a Mass Murderer."Without missing a beat I looked back at her and said, " Do you have any idea what the odds are of having two Mass Murderers in the same pick up truck at the same time? "The ice was shattered. Cheers
1950's Britain, on the parade ground of an army camp full of national service recruits. The Sergeant is not known for his diplomacy and constantly screams at the recruits. At the end of one parade, just before giving the order to fall out he shouts out "Private Brown, your mother has died. Fall out!" Private Brown simply collapses in shock.The Captain hears this and shakes his head in disbelief. Calling for the Sergeant he tells him to be more tactful. "Private Brown is in shock, you should have told him gently. I don't ever want to see this happen again". "Yes sir" replies the sergeant.A week later the Captain gets a message informing him of the death of Private Smith's mother. "Remember Sergeant, tact and compassion". "Yes sir" replies the sergeant.On the parade ground, just before fall out, he barks out "all those with mothers take two steps forward. Private Smith, where the hell do you think you're going!"
A father passing by his son's bedroomNoticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.Love, your son, JoshP.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home
A man is at the world cup and notices the seat next to him is empty. He asks the guy in the next seat if it is his. He says yes and tells him he and his wife had the same 2 seats every year for the past 15 but unfortunately she'd died and he'd keep the extra seat in her memory.
The man asks him if he didn't have any friends or relatives that could've used the seat. He replies 'No they're all at the funeral'
"One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. (https://humanity.quora.com/One-morning-a-husband-returns-to-the-cabin-after-several-hours-of-fishing-and-decides-to-take-a-nap)
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says," Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing"?"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious"?)"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her."I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.""Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you up a ticket.""For reading a book"? she replies."You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again."But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading.""Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine.""If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman."But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden."That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.""Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.Sure, God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece!!"
A man finds a wallet with $7000 in it.A few days later, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy man has lost his wallet and is offering a $500 reward to anyone who returns it.He soon locates the owner and gives him the wallet, and the rich man counts the money and says, "I see you have already taken your reward." The poor man responds,"What are you talking about?" The wealthy man continues, "This wallet had $7500 in it when I lost it."The poor man replied "I am sorry sir but when I found it up it only had $7,000"The two men began arguing, and eventually they end up in court to sort out their differences. Both men present their case, the poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying,"Your Honor, I trust you believe me."The Judge says, "Of course." The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated.Then the Judge takes the wallet out of the wealthy man's hands and gives it to the poor man who found it."What are you doing?" the rich man yells angrily. The Judge responds,"You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had $7500 in it, I'm sure it did – but if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all, which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money – otherwise, it stays with the man who found it.""What about my money?" the rich man asks."Well, we'll just have to wait until somebody finds your wallet with the $7500 in it.
Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned.The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad.You better roll him over."The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."The mortician thinks this is strange.Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body.Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes.""What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician."Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"
A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 soldiers guarding a bench.He went over there and asked them why they guard it."We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did. It is some sort of regimental tradition!"He searched for the last commander's phone number and called him to ask him why did he want guards on this particular bench."I don't know. The previous commander had guards, and I kept the tradition."Going back another 3 commanders, he found a new 100-year-old retired General."Excuse me, sir. I'm now the CO of the camp you commanded 60 years ago. I've found 2 men assigned to guard a bench. Could you please tell me more about the bench?""What?! Is the paint still wet?!"
King Charles goes on a political goodwill visit to Iran. After being met at the airport by an Iranian diplomat, he's taken off to a fancy hotel.As they walk in, King Charles says in his incredibly upper-class accent to the Iranian diplomat, "Could you show me to the shah, please?"The diplomat doesn't know what to say for a moment, wondering if this is the "British surrealist humour" he's heard Charles enjoys.In the end, he just hesitantly says "We don't have a Shah anymore, sir. We got rid of the Shah years ago.""Oh." says King Charles. "In that case, I'll just have a bath..."
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.The priest nearly had an accident.After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"The priest removed his hand.But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
A backpacking tourist is hitchhiking somewhere in Italy on a winding mountain narrow road. A very old Italian farmer in an old beaten truck, laden over the top with hay, gives him a ride. The driver "steps on it" to the top speed of his vehicle. The young guy sees a sharp curve ahead and warns the old man"Grandpa, be careful, sharp curve ahead""Don't worry, 55 years on this road twice a day, have confidence", the car comes out of the turn with tires screeching. The next coming curve is even sharper."Grandpa, careful, sharper curve ahead" "Don't worry, 55 years on this road twice a day, have confidence", the car comes out of the turn with two tires hardly touching the ground.This repeats several more times with the young guy screaming louder and louder warnings and the old farmer stoically repeats his "55 years on this road" piece...Finally at the next sharp turn the truck overturns. Both are able to get out of the wrack unharmed and the young guy says"Grandpa I tried to warn you""Shit" comes the answer "55 years on this road, twice a day, and every day I overturn exactly at the same spot..."
A man and his wife are visiting the doctor for a check up, doc comes in and says "congratulations, you're pregnant!"The husband, confused, inquires, "how can that be possible? I had a vasectomy years ago"Doc turns to the husband and says, "let me tell you a story. A man walks through the woods and encounters a cougar. Afraid and unarmed, he raises his fingers in the shape of a gun and yells 'BANG'. The cougar drops dead"The husband, puzzled, states, "well that isn't possible, someone else must have shot it.""Exactly," says doc.
The mother of a friend of mine was in hospital with a gynacological problem. She was in her bed when her surgeon was doing his rounds with a group of young student doctors. He explaned her operation and asked her if she would allow his students to view the after effects of the op. She consented and he started to show them, using a torch to better see the results. She grinned up at him and said.."What is this? 'Fanny by Gaslight'. (BTW 'Fanny by Gaslight' is a 1940 novel by by the English author Michael Sadleir)
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, "Luther, what exactly is your problem?"Luther answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!"Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Luther to the principal's office. While he waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.Luther was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"Luther: "9."Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"Luther: "36."And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "Y'know, I reckon Luther can go to the 3rd grade."But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, "Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions."The principal and Luther both agree.Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"Luther, after a moment: "Legs."Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!Luther replied: "Pockets." to the Principal's great relief.....Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Luther: "Pants."By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Luther replied, "Bubble gum."Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and adog does on three legs?"Luther: "Shake hands."The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?"Luther: "Firetruck."The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, "Put the little bastard in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself."
"A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. (https://humanity.quora.com/A-man-and-a-woman-had-been-married-for-more-than-60-years-They-had-shared-everything)
They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.For all these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick, and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out theiraffairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and brought it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time for him to know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.He asked her about the contents."When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."The little old man was so moved he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness."Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all this money? Where did it come from?""Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls.""
Retail shelf stacker sees his boss pull into the car park in a brand new Porsche. "Nice car" he comments.Boss tells him "If you work all the hours overtime that you can, don't take any holiday or sick time and be the most productive employee that we have, next year I'll be able to buy another one"
A man was at the Metropolitan Museum of Art fashion night and spotted an elderly woman, very thin and wearing a ginormous diamond pendant around her neck. The man was so intrigued with the gem that he walked over to the elderly woman and complimented her on her beautiful possession: "Excuse me, madam," he said, "That is the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen." The woman replied: "Thank you! It's the Kolpman Diamond. But it comes with a curse!" The man is intrigued and asks, "A curse? What is the curse?" She replied, "Mr. Klopman."
"An old man was eating in a truck stop when three rough-looking bikers walked in. (https://humanity.quora.com/An-old-man-was-eating-in-a-truck-stop-when-three-rough-looking-bikers-walked-in)
As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter.The second biker picked up the old man's milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man's plate before joining the others at the counter.Without saying a word to the laughing bikers, the old man put his money down, got up, and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Not much of a man, was he?"The waitress replied," Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!""
Not me, but my grandfather. He was summonsed to the doctors surgery for a check up, and to see the new doctor. He was eighty five. The doctor looked him over and asked him if he smoked and drunk. My grandfather said yes he did. The doctor tutted and said " Didn't your previous doctor advise you, that you should give up smoking and drinking? His reply was yes the previous doctor did. The doctor then went through grandads diet and amount of exercise he got. Eventually the doctor said exasperated, " It would appear that you have ignored all of the medical given to you. Can you tell me anything at all, that you have done to improve your health?" My grandads reply was. " well yes. I have outlived my previous two doctors"
The manager hired a new secretary.She was young, sweet and polite.One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"He did not understand her remark, but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.He decided to have some fun with his new employee.Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"The secretary, who was quite witty, replied,"Why, no sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"
One day, little Timmy was at school and heard the word "sh*t".He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him "Coats and jackets".Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word "f*cking", and for a second time, asked his father what it meant.His father promptly said "Cooking".Then, he returned to school on the third day and heard the words "b*tches and hoes".He went home and his father told him it meant "grandpa and grandma".Later on Thanksgiving night, his grandparents came over.Timmy answered the door with glee and said:"Hey, b*tches and hoes! I'll take your sh*t to the closet 'cause dad's in the kitchen fu*king the turkey!"
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.St. Peter said,"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled."Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven.""Great!" said the couple."But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground."What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple."OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted."It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this : When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident", I just lost it."CASE DISMISSED !!"
A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.Naturally, his parents know that there's no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car."Where did you get that car?" his mom and dad screamed in shock."I bought it today," replied the teen calmly."With what money young man?" his mom demands. "We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it!""Well, it's used and I got a good deal," says the boy, "This one cost me 20 dollars.""Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!""The woman up the street," the boy replies. "I don't know her name–she just moved in. She ordered a pizza and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars."The boy's dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor's house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard."I'm the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20," the dad says. "I need an explanation from you!""Well," the woman says, not looking up from her garden. "This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back.""What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?" The boy's mom asks, utterly perplexed.The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute. "Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money."So I did."
A young couple moved into a new house.The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the washing outside."That laundry is not very clean; she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better soap powder.Her husband looked on, remaining silent.Every time her neighbor hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments.A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she's finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"The husband replied, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."And so it is with life... What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.So don't be too quick to judge others, especially if your perspective of life is clouded by anger, jealousy, negativity or unfulfilled desires."Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."
A rich young woman sat beside a poor elderly man on a plane. She alerted the flight attendant upon taking her seat.The flight attendant answered warmly, when the woman abruptly said, "Please find me another seat immediately." The flight attendant responded, "I'm sorry Ma'am, but the economy cabin is fully booked."The rich woman replied, "But I'm not going to travel beside a worthless bum. Do something."While the elderly man stared in disbelief, the flight attendant responded,"I'll talk to the Captain about this."The flight attendant went to the Captain and asked, "Captain, a woman feels uncomfortable sitting beside a poor elder man. What should we do?"Surprisingly, the Captain's face changed. He looked amused and said, "This woman is interesting. I've never encountered an issue like this before. I have a plan. Listen.."And the Captain relayed to the flight attendant what he wants to do. The flight attendant was stunned at his plan. In fact, she was amazed.A few minutes later, the flight attendant returned. "The Captain said we could use an open seat in First Class. He also wants to apologize for having to travel with such a terrible person."As the woman rose out of her seat, the flight attendant reached out her arm towards the poor elderly man. "Sir will you please follow me?" To which the plane applauded.Never look down on other people. We are all equal in God's sight. Regardless of what you have achieved in life, stay humble. Keep your feet on the ground. The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot.
Mary was late for school and the principal asked her why.She explained: "I had to take our cow to our neighbors so that the bull could get her pregnant."The principal said:"Couldn't your father do that?"
Mary replied: "I suppose he could, but I think the bull has had more experience."
Two best friends finish high school and move on to separate colleges. Initially they try very hard to keep in contact. But life events make that harder and harder over the years and they loose contact. Twenty years later there is a high school reunion and both men now have a chance to meet and catch up.Friend #1: After high school I went on to receive a bachelor's degree in Mechanical Engineering. Then I moved on to receive a Masters and then Doctorates in Metallurgy. I am working for a company that develops armor plating for military vehicles. But I have to say it is a frustrating job. Every time I come up with a new armor that will stop any known weapon, some A-hole engineer out there comes up with a new weapon that burns through my armor. I have no choice but to start again.Friend #2: Very interesting I have to say, and I feel your frustration. After high school I double majored in Chemical and Mechanical Engineering. I Mastered in both and went on to receive my Doctorate in Chemical Engineering. I started working for a company that develops ordinance that can defeat all known armor plating. Every time I come up with a formula and delivery system that does the job. Some A-hole engineer out there would come up with a new armor, and I would have to start again.I guess we are the A-holes.
An old lady went to her bank, handed her bank card to the teller, and said "I would like to withdraw €10".The teller replied: "For withdrawals under €100, please use the ATM". The old lady wanted to know why... The teller gave her back her bank card and said in an irritated tone: "These are the rules, please leave if you have nothing more to do. There is a line of customers waiting behind you".The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, gave the teller her card back and said "I would like to withdraw all the money in my account".She then checked the old lady's account balance. She nodded, leaned over and said respectfully "You have €300,000 in your account but the bank does not have that much liquidity at the moment. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?"The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller said she could withdraw any amount up to $3,000."Well I would like to withdraw $3,000 please".The teller kindly handed her $3,000, with a friendly smile. The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2,990 into her account.The moral of the story is: Never underestimate old people, they have spent a lifetime learning.
A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink.He stays like that for half of an hour.Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.The poor man starts crying.The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking.Here, I'll buy you another drink.I just can't stand to see a man cry.""No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office.My boss, outrageous, fires me.When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.The police said that they can do nothing.I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.The cab driver just drives away."I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.I leave home and come to this bar.And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you showed up and drank my poison."
It's not so much a saying, as a word with two meanings in the UK, and only one in the US.I flew into London, and as I was walking up the ramp into the airport, my hands rubbed against some sticky stinky stuff on the railing. I saw some airline staff by the door and told them about the guck on the hand rail, and asked them where the closest place I could wash my hand was. They pointed off to the left, and said just use the toilet.I explained that while the stuff on my hand was pretty disgusting, I was not going to stick it in a toilet and try and clean it. I wouldn't feel any cleaner when I was done.They broke out laughing and said that the toilet had sinks I could use.Who knew that a toilet has two meanings in England. I had thought that they used loo for the room, and toilet for the toilet. In North America a toilet is just the bowl and tank, it's not a room.You learn something new every day.Years later I was told I could fill my water bottle in the toilet, but while it was initially shocking, I had already learned the secret.
An American is crossing the street in London when he's hit by a car. He wakes up in a hospital and sees a nurse. His body one mass of pain he asks the nurse, "Was I brought here...to die?""No," she says, "you were brought here yesterdie."
It was the first time that Johny had ever flown by business class in a modern aircraftHe was amazed to find that it had separate woman's and men's toilets.Finding the men's toilet occupied, he quietly slipped into the women's toilet.It was a sophisticated hi-tech toilet.While sitting on the toilet seat, he noticed a series of buttons on the wall.Curious, he pushed a button marked WW.At once. Warm Water jetted along the insides of his thighs.Delighted, he pushed the buttons marked PP beside it.The water jet shut down and, ever so gently, a small Powder Puff began tapping his behind.Thrilled, he pushed the button labeled ATR.That was the last thing he remembered until he opened his eyes and looked up into the smiling face of the nurse in a hospital."Christ!" He, exclaimed. "What happened?" he asked the nurse.The nurse scolded him: "You went into the ladies toilet, didn't you? That is not allowed".Johny: "Sorry, but I had to go"Nurse: "And you pressed the ATR button, didn't you?"Johny: "Yes"Nurse smilingly: "That stands for Automatic Tampon Removal. When you can walk, Sir, you will find your penis waiting for you in your pant pocket"
A number of years ago there was a newly ordained Catholic priest by the name of Father Conor O'Malley.
Due to family connections, his first assignment is The Cathedral of the Most Holy Trinity located on Barronstrand Street in Waterford City, Ireland.
He finds it's a huge old cathedral with a 43 meter spire and 49 meters of balconies accross it's transepts and can seat over 1000 people during services.
Father O'Mally is assigned to the local Monsignor for training and familiarization with local customs and procedures. After about three months, he's finally ready to give his first Mass.
He's nervous; but he completes the mass and then meets up with the Monsignor and asks "Monsignor, how did I do?"
The Monsignor says "Father O'Malley, you did OK for your first Mass. You were obviously a little nervous. I've been doing this a long time, so here's a little advice. Before your next Mass, dring a little Whiskey. It'll calm you down and warm you up, and you'll be fine."
Unlike the stereotypical Irishman, Father O'Malley has never had a drink in his life so he doesn't know what a little Whisky is; but he figures that the guy at the liquor store is an expert.
So he goes to the local liquor store and says "I need a little Whisky." The store clerk sets down a fifth of Tullamore Dew. As far as Father O'Malley is concerned, THAT is a little Whiskey. Before his next Mass, he drinks the whole bottle. When he's done, he again asks "Monsignor, how did I do?"
The Monsignor says: "Father O'Malley, if you are going to continue to say Mass at this Parish, we need to get a few things straight:
1) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
2) There were 12 Apostles, not 10.
3) You will not refer to Jesus Christ as the Late Great J.C.
4) Nor will you refer to the Trinity as Old Man, Junior, and the Spook.
5) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of Goliath.
6) Jesus Christ was crucified, not circumcised.
7) And finally, next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's"
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. ☘️🇮🇪 (https://jokesfunnystories.quora.com/An-Irishman-walks-into-a-bar-in-Dublin-orders-three-pints-of-Guinness-and-sits-in-the-back-of-the-room-drinking-a-sip)
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers.One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin.When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together.So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.One day, he comes in and orders two pints.All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs."Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.But it hasn't affected me brothers though."
A guy comes home from the pub and he's really angry. His wife asks what's the problem."That bloody Postman, bragging down the pub, claims he's had every woman in this street except one" he says."I'll bet it's that snooty cow at number 3" replies the wife.Or....A little boy says to his dad "Daddy, when you were at work the other day, the doorbell rang and it was the Postman. And mummy let him in. And they went upstairs. And they took their clothes off. And they got in the bed. And the bed covers went up and down.. and...""Wait!" Says the dad. "I want you to tell me about this tonight while we're all having dinner" - I've suspected her for some time, he thinks. Now I'll get her. In front of the whole family. "And tell me as if its the first time you've said anything about it" he adds.So at dinner that evening. The little boy begins "Daddy, when you went to work last week, the doorbell went. And it was the Postman. And...""Daddy doesn't want to hear your silly stories, eat your dinner" says the Mum."No, go on" says the dad "this sounds very interesting""And mummy let him in. And they went upstairs....""Now eat up, Daddy is too busy for your gossip""No! Go on!" Says the Dad " this sounds *very* interesting"."And they took all their clothes off..."Mum by now is bright red. "Eat up, Daddy doesn't want....""No, go on! This I want to hear. In *full* detail""And they got in the bed. And the bed covers went up and down."Daddy looks at Mummy - he's absolutely seething.... She's perplexed."Just like what you did with Aunty Mary when mummy went on holiday!
A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250 ♞✨ (https://jokesfunnystories.quora.com/A-young-man-named-Dave-bought-a-horse-from-a-farmer-for-250)
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died"Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back"The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already"Dave said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse"The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"Dave said, "I'm going to raffle him off"The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"Dave said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead"A month Later, the farmer met up with Dave and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"Dave said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495"The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"Dave said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back".
A nurse was instructed to give a male patient a sponge bath. The patient was wearing an oxygen mask, as he had suffered an extremely bad asthma attack.The young nurse was told that she only had to wash him from the waist up, but the man on his oxygen mask said, " Nurse, are my testicles black?" She pretended not to hear him, but he repeated himself: " Nurse, are my testicles black?" She knew she had to do something, so, very gingerly, she looked under his sheet, then cupped his testicles in her hand. She looked at the patient and said, " They seem okay to me sir." The patient stared at her for a minute, then with exasperation, he lowered his mask and said very slowly: "Are...my....test results..back?"
Five year old Simon was in Summer Bible Camp. His teacher had asked the class to draw their favorite Bible story. When she looked at Simon's drawing, he had drawn an airplane. The teacher asked who were the people in the plane. Simon started from the back window and said, "This is Joseph." On the next window he said "This is Mary." And in the front window, he said "This is the Baby Jesus." The teacher then asked why he had drawn them in an airplane. Simon said "It's for their flight out of Egypt." The teacher then asked who is sitting in the cockpit and Simon replies "Oh, that's Pontius the Pilot."
An Irish girl goes away to college in the big city. Her father sends her money as he can, but he's a poor man, and it doesn't amount to much. The girl has to do whatever she can to raise money to live on. At the end of the year, she returns home. Her father mentions that she looks healthy."Oh father, please forgive me!" she wails. "Yer only daughter has had to become a prostitute to survive.""What's that ye say?" demands the old man.Realizing he's hard of hearing, she enunciates clearly, "Father, I've become a prostitute.""Praise the Lord!" exclaims the old man, "Fer a minute I thought ye said ye were a Protestant!"
A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out---caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.
She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at
]"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
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Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Ms Straightlace was in the midst of her third period, third grade Math class one Thursday when she addressed the class:"Now children, there are four crows sitting on a fence. If you take your gun and shoot one, how many are left?"Little Johnny quickly raised his hand. Ms S. Called on him: "Yes, Johnny?"Johnny said, "None! They'd all fly away!"Ms S. laughed and said, "Well, Johnny, the correct answer is three. But I like the way you're thinking!"Johnny then asked, "Mind if I ask you a question?" She laughed and said, "Of course you can ask a question!"Johnny said, "Okay, there are three women in an ice cream shop. One is biting her cone; one is licking her cone, and one is sucking her cone. Which one's married?"Surprised, she replied, "Um, I don't know....the one sucking her cone?"Johnny smiled and said, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you're thinking!"
An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.
After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.
The hearing specialist said, "It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now."
"Oh no," the man responded. "I haven't told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I've changed my will four times."
A copy pulls over an old lady driving very slowly on the highway...
...and sees three other old ladies in the car, all of whom are terrified.
Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving 35 miles per hour on the highway.
Old Lady: Well, that's because the speed limit is 35.
Cop: No, this is HIGHWAY 35. The speed limit is 65. By the way, why are these other three women looking so terrified?
Old Lady: Ohhh, that's because we just got off of highway 145.
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.''Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?''Yes, I do,' said Shawn.'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?''Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.''And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?''She just died and left me everything.'
An army is on the move. Marching, marching, marching, day after day in the hot sun. Hot, sweaty, no rest, day after day.The captain rounds them up to speak to them. "Today," he says, "is a special day! Today we're all going to change our underwear!"Huge cheer arises from the crowd."Okay," the captain says. He points. "You change with him. You change with him. You change with him . . . "
�An Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little maths test."Here is your first question." the boss said."Without using numbers, represent the number 9.""Without numbers?" The Irishman says. "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees."What's this?" the boss asks."Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9," says the Irishman."Fair enough," says the boss."Here's your second question.Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a little smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?""Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again but represent the number 100."The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,"Ere you go. One hundred."The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poops by each tree.So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
The Irishman became head of Qantas in Australia and recently retired after trashing the business and taking a monster payout!
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were captured by hostile Indians. The Indians took them to their village, tied them up and put kindling at their feet. The Indians then go down to the river to drink whiskey. Tonto says to The Lone Ranger, "Ugh, Kimosabi, we're in trouble now".The Lone Ranger replies, "Nonsense my brave Indian companion."The Lone ranger whistles and his trusty horse, Silver, comes over, bends down and The Lone Ranger whispers in his ear. The horse rears up on his hind legs and gallops out of the village.Time goes by, It begins getting dark. The Indians run out of whiskey. They gather together their spires and torches and start walking back to where The Lone Ranger and Tonto are tied up.Tonto says to The Lone Ranger, "We're in heap big trouble now, Kimosabi."Just then, in the nick of time The Lone Ranger's horse Silver comes galloping into camp. He goes to where The Lone Ranger and Tonto are tied up. He has a naked girl on his back. The horse bends down and the naked girl tumbles off.The Lone Ranger says, "Stupid horse, I told him to go get a posse."
A new girl started working at the pharmacy. She had only been there for a few days when the pharmacist had to step out on an errand, when he got back he saw a man clutching a light pole with a face turning purple. "That man outside, was he just in here?" Asked the pharmacist. Yes the girl said. "What did he want?" "Something to stop him coughing ". "What did you give him???". "Extra strength laxative " said the girl. "To stop a cough? How will that stop a cough???""Well, look at him he wouldn't DARE COUGH!!!"
After many years of dreaming, saving, and planning, a married couple make a trip to the Holy Land, bringing the wife's mother along. While they are there, the mother dies. The wife being very distraught, the husband steps forward to make arrangements.At the U.S. Conciliate he is told, "Transporting the remains back the States is complicated and expensive. I'm afraid the whole process is going to cost about $50,000. However, there is an alternative. We can arrange to have your departed buried right here. As a curtesy to international relations, it can be done at no cost."The man thinks this through and says, "We'll take her back. Let's get going on the paperwork."The representative answered, "I don't think you understand. We can lay her to rest HERE, in the HOLY LAND, for FREE."The man answered, "What I understand is that 2,000 years ago you buried a man here, and three days later he came right back up again. I'm not taking the chance of that happening with my mother-in-law. Let's get going on the paperwork. I brought my own pen."
A man walks into a small curio shop in a backwater country, looking for interesting or unusual artifacts. He sees a bronze statue of a rat that catches his eye – it is oddly attractive, considering what it represents.
The man asks the shopkeeper how much he wants for the bronze rat and the shopkeeper said he could have it for ten dollars, or for a hundred dollars if he wanted the story that goes with it. The man gives the shopkeeper ten dollars and tells him that he can keep the story.
As the man walks down the street with his purchase, he hears a rustling behind him and turns to see a couple of rats following him. He picks up his pace and the rats do too, but now there are four of them. Soon he is running as fast as he can run and there are hundreds of rats gaining on him. About then he comes to a canal and clamors up a light pole, tossing the bronze rat into the canal as he climbs the pole. To his amazement the rats follow the bronze rat into the canal and they all drown.
Somewhat shaken, the man makes his way back to the curio shop. The shopkeeper smiles when the man comes in and says "Now I suppose you want the story".
The man says "No, I don't care about the story – I just wanted to see if you happened to have a bronze statue of a lawyer..."
The old lady handed her card to the bank teller and said, "I would like to withdraw $10." (https://insatiablecuriosityscorner.quora.com/The-old-lady-handed-her-card-to-the-bank-teller-and-said-I-would-like-to-withdraw-10)
(https://qph.cf2.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-183ff32f2b6a8c944fe9d8a6ffeaf385)
The teller replied, "For withdrawals under $100, use the ATM."The old lady asked why...The teller, annoyed, handed her card back and said, "These are the rules. If you have no other requests, please go away. There is a line of customers behind you."The old lady was silent for a few seconds, then handed her card back to the teller and said, "Please help me withdraw all the money I have."The teller was stunned when he saw the balance in her account. He nodded, bent down and respectfully said, "You have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much money right now. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?"The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw right away.The cashier replied, "Any amount up to $3,000.""Well, then give me $3,000 now," the lady said.The cashier handed it over to her with kindness and respect.The old lady put $10 in her wallet and asked the cashier to deposit the remaining $2,990 into her account.The moral of this story is...Don't be hard on the elderly, they've spent a lifetime honing their skills.
Two pals, Jack and Lou, are sitting on a park bench, feeding the ducks and chatting about basketball. 🏀🦆 (https://jokesfunnystories.quora.com/Two-pals-Jack-and-Lou-are-sitting-on-a-park-bench-feeding-the-ducks-and-chatting-about-basketball)
Jack suddenly asks, "Lou, do you think they play basketball up in Heaven?"Lou ponders for a second and says,"Let's make a deal. Whoever goes first will come back and let the other one know."They agree, and a few months later, Jack passes away.One afternoon, while Lou is at the park alone, he hears a whisper, "Lou... Lou..."Lou jumps, "Jack, is that you?"Jack's voice replies, "Yep, it's me."Lou excitedly asks, "So, do they play basketball in Heaven?"Jack says, "I've got good news and bad news."Lou grins, "Give me the good news!"Jack says, "The good news is, yeah, they've got basketball up here."Lou asks, "And the bad news?"Jack sighs, "You're starting as point guard tomorrow."
A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut pulls up to his house in a fancy Porsche. Of course, his parents know he couldn't have earned enough from his after-school job to buy a car like that. (https://insatiablecuriosityscorner.quora.com/A-17-year-old-boy-who-works-part-time-at-Pizza-Hut-pulls-up-to-his-house-in-a-fancy-Porsche-Of-course-his-parents-know)
(https://qph.cf2.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-93d1e95e7244a588224be48fb8bb9281)
"Where did that car come from?" Mom and Dad shout in shock."I bought it today," the boy replies calmly."With what money, young man?" Mom asks. "We know how much a Porsche costs, and you can't afford one!""Well, it's used, and I got a good deal," the boy says. "It cost me $20.""Who would sell a car like that for $20?!""The lady down the street," the boy replies. "I don't know her name, she just moved in. She ordered a pizza, and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy her Porsche for $20."The parents rush to the new neighbor's house, ready to ask for an explanation. They find her quietly planting flowers in her yard."I'm the father of the boy you just sold a sports car to for $20," the father says. "I need an explanation!""Well," the woman replies, still working on her yard, "I got a call from my husband this morning. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but apparently he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and has no intention of coming back.""And what does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?" asks the boy's mother, confused.The new neighbor smiles, pauses for a moment, and replies, "Well, my husband asked me to sell him his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
One day, a guy ran into a restaurant and sat down. When the waitress approached his table, he said, "Look, I'm in a hurry. Bring me a coffee and a menu, please!" (https://insatiablecuriosityscorner.quora.com/One-day-a-guy-ran-into-a-restaurant-and-sat-down-When-the-waitress-approached-his-table-he-said-Look-Im-in-a-hurr)
(https://qph.cf2.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-1034e30ed2ef62a292029f2549cec49c)
The waitress quickly walked away and returned shortly with the menu and his cup of coffee. The man looked down and noticed that as she put the cup down, her thumb was visibly in his coffee. He gave her a dirty look and pushed the menu back, saying, "Just bring me some soup, okay?"The waitress walked away again and quickly returned with a bowl of soup for the customer, but as she put it down, he once again noticed that his thumb was deep in his soup. Seeing his finger out of place, he said brusquely, "Okay, what's up with that thumb?"The waitress replied, "Excuse me?""Excuse me? You should say excuse me! You bring me coffee and you have your thumb in my coffee! You bring me soup and you have your thumb in my soup! What's with that thumb?"To which the waitress replied, "Well, I crushed my thumb in the door yesterday and the doctor told me to keep it warm.""Why don't you stick it up your ass then?" the customer replied.And the waitress replied, "Well, I do that when I'm in the kitchen!"
A man has lead a very good life and God decides he's going to reward him. God goes to the man and says, " You have led an exemplary life and I am very pleased with you. I am going to give you one wish. Anything you want ".The man thinks for a few moments and says, "Well , l've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but l'm scared to death of flying. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii so l could drive there"?God says, " Wait a minute. That's a huge job. Do you have any idea how deep the water is? I'd have to make bridge supports from the bottom of the ocean to the surface. Frankly, that's a lot to ask."The man says, "yes it is. I'm sorry God. I don't know what l was thinking". God says, "Is there something else you want "? The man thinks about it and says, " Actually, there is something. I don't know what it is, and maybe it's just me, but l have a great deal of difficulty understanding women. If you could just tell me how women think, what they want, what makes them happy, l'd be extremely grateful".There's a long pause, then God asks, " When would you like that bridge to be finished being built "?
Bessie, an unmarried lady, goes to the doctor. She is nauseous and throwing up.Doctor, after examination: You are pregnant! Do you know who the father is?Bessie: Oh, it's probably Sam.A year later she is back in the doctor's office with same symptoms.Doctor: You are pregnant again. Who is the father this time?Bessie: Oh, it's Sam.Third year she is again at the doctor's office, same symptoms.Doctor : You are pregnant again. Don't tell me. It's Sam. Why don't you marry him already?Bessie, shrugs her shoulders: He don't appeal to me!
An old man was eating at a diner when three menacing-looking bikers entered. (https://insatiablecuriosityscorner.quora.com/An-old-man-was-eating-at-a-diner-when-three-menacing-looking-bikers-entered)
(https://qph.cf2.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-00a61d360098ca593350aeb886c31128)
The first biker, passing by the old man, put out his cigarette in his pie and then laughed, sitting down at the counter. The second took the man's glass of milk and spat in it. The third tipped his plate over before joining the others.Without saying a word to the bikers, the old man left his money on the table, got up and left. One of the bikers, laughing, said to the waitress, "He wasn't much of a man, was he?"The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just crushed three motorcycles with his truck!"
A pregnant woman was in a terrible car accident, and had to be put in an induced coma. When they wake her up from her coma, she looks down and realises that she is no longer pregnant."Oh now", she cries, "I've lost my baby!"The doctor reassures her, "It's alright, you gave birth to twins two months ago, & you have a very healthy son & daughter."The doctor goes on to explain, "Because you were still unconscious, we asked your brother to name your babies.""Oh no" the new mother replied, "my brother is an idiot - what names did he come up with?""Well, he named your daughter 'Denise'.""Oh, that's not so bad", she replied. "But what did he name my son?""De nephew!"
a man and woman turning up at the Gates of Heaven, having been killed in a traffic accident on the way to their wedding. They are told they are welcome. They ask St Peter if, given the circumstances, they could get married in Heaven. Peter isn't sure, but says just sit on that bench outside, and he'll go and ask the Boss.Three weeks later he comes back, smiling. " Yes, the Boss says he'll make an exception. We 've got a ceremony, a reception, everything planned for you."They look at each other. " Thanks, Peter, but while we've been sitting here for three weeks, we've started to realise that maybe we have some issues we hadn't thought about. Is it possible to get divorced in Heaven, if it doesn't work out?"Peter is exasperated. " Look, it's taken me three weeks to find a vicar up here. How long do you think it would take me to find a lawyer?"Another, on similar lines, I saw on Quora recently. God needs an engineer to sort out a couple of practical problems in Heaven, so he sends for one.Next day, an engineer arrives at the Pearly Gates. Peter looks in The Book of Life, but his name isn't there. " Sorry" he says. " You're not in the Book. You have to go Down Below."The man is disappointed, as he thought he had been saved, but goes down to Hell. Liking to keep busy, he sets to work, and soon the Air Con is working, the water problems are fixed, the roads are improved.After a while, God says to St Peter " I sent for an engineer recently, but he hasn't turned up. Any idea what's happened to him?"" Did you write him in the Book?" asks Peter. God smacks his forehead."No, I didn't! My fault - I'll sort this out." He goes down and knocks on the door of Hell. The Devil opens it."What?"" You've got my engineer here," says God. " I want him back."" Well, tough" says the Devil. "He's making himself very useful."" Well, I'll sue you," says God.The Devil smiles. " And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer, sunshine?"
A college wrestler was competing in the championship match for his conference. His coach tells him, "your opponent is undefeated. He has this hold that never fails. It's called the Double Pretzel Lock. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in the Double Pretzel Lock or you are done-for.The match is progressing and our hero is doing well. Just as his coach thinks he may have a chance there is a whirlwind of movement and our guy is tied up in the Double Pretzel Lock. The coach is bereft, knowing the match is lost.All of a sudden there is a blood-curdling scream and the two wrestles leap off the mat as if one. Our wrestler lands on his undefeated opponent, pins him and wins the match.There is pandemonium in the arena as he celebrates, high fiving his teammates and bending to catch his breath. His coach yells, "that's the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Unbelievable! How did you do that!?"Our guy says, "Coach, there I was, almost completely unable to move, all twisted up in the Double Pretzel Lock. I knew I was done and was about to give up when I saw this pair of testicles...so I bit them. Coach, you'll never know how high you can jump until you bite your own testicles."
A girl starts work at a pharmacy, and is under the guidance of an older woman, who shows her where everything is and how to take payments, etc. Then she goes out to the stock room but as she leaves, says "Oh, there's one other thing. We have a number of male customers who buy condoms, there are three different sizes. They are here in the drawer. So if someone comes in and asks for a 120, it's this size, the next size up is 140, and the biggest one we stock is a 180. Saves them asking for condoms if there's female customers in the shop and nobody gets embarrassed. All understood?""Yes" says the girl, and the woman goes off to the stock room. "Call me on the internal phone if there's any problems."All is going fine, customers being served, until a man walks in...goes up to the counter, and says "Four fifty"The girl is a bit shocked, remembering what she's been told. "Four fifty?""Yes, four fifty""Just a moment..." She picks up the phone, and calls the stock room."Everything OK?""Err yes, but this man's just come in and asked for four fifty""Is he really well-built?""Yes, kind of.""Is he carrying a bucket?""Yes, he is...""Pay him, it's the window cleaner."
An old man had owned a large farm for many years, with a pond at the edge of his property. The pond was perfect for swimming, so he arranged it nicely, adding picnic tables, horseshoes, and a few apple and peach trees. (https://insatiablecuriosityscorner.quora.com/An-old-man-had-owned-a-large-farm-for-many-years-with-a-pond-at-the-edge-of-his-property-The-pond-was-perfect-for-swim)
(https://qph.cf2.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-3b769feaf4ed62d8ab256e3aa2179cdb)
One evening, the old farmer decided to take a walk to the pond, since it had been a while since he had been there. He took a large white bucket to collect some fruit on the long walk to the remote area.As he approached the pond, he heard voices laughing and shouting with joy. As he walked further, he saw that several young women were bathing naked in his pond.He made his presence known, and they all moved to the deep end. One of the girls shouted at him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"The old farmer frowned, "I didn't come here to watch you girls swim naked or get you out of the pond without your clothes on."Holding up his bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."Some old men can still think quickly.
An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells, (https://humanity.quora.com/An-elderly-man-rear-ended-a-guy-driving-an-expensive-European-sports-car-Enraged-the-guy-hops-out-and-confronts-the-ol)Quote"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!""Oh my..." the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son." he said with hope. "He trains dolphins and he will know what to do.""Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man."So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?" The irate man yelled, "Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!""I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,"For the last time dad, I train Seals... Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!"
Pat goes to confession and tells the priest (https://jokesfunnystories.quora.com/Pat-goes-to-confession-and-tells-the-priest)
"I've had sex with a woman who is not my wife""What's the woman's name", asks the priest."Oh, I can't tell you that", says Pat."Well I can't give you penance if you don't tell me who it was.""Was it Mrs. Gilhooly"?"No, father, it wasn't.""Was it Mrs. Murphy"?"No, father, it wasn't ""Was it Mrs. Jones"?"No, father, it wasn't ""Well then Pat I can't give you penance ", says the priest.On the way out Pat meets Seamus."Well, Pat, did he give you penance?" asks Seamus."No, he didn't, but he gave me three good leads", says Pat.
(https://qph.cf2.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-b8ec7fb2658b2e7505780ed663165546)
A senior citizen drove his brand-new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. 👴🚗💨 (https://jokesfunnystories.quora.com/A-senior-citizen-drove-his-brand-new-Corvette-convertible-out-of-the-dealership)
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left.Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.Looking in his rearview mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.Suddenly he thought, What am I doing?I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."The old gentleman paused.Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.""Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper 😁
When God and the Devil were deciding which acts made you go to either heaven or hell they realized that people of certain professions had more chances to end up in one of the two places, so, they agreed that all engineers were to go to heaven and lawwers to hell.Then, one day, an engineer died and ended up in hell, and God called down to the Devil to send him to heaven as they had agreed to.- I don't think so - Said the Devil - The guy just fixed my jacuzzi and built me some air conditioner. I'm no longer boiling down here.- But - God said, getting increasedly frustrated by the Devil's nonchalance - We had a deal!- Yeah, I know, but this guy is cool. I'm going to keep him around.- You have to send him back to heaven inmediately!The Devil laughed on the phone - Or what?- I'll sue you!The Devil bursted out laughing - How do you intend to do that?! All the lawyers are here!
A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' (https://jokesfunnystories.quora.com/A-man-went-into-the-confessional-and-said-to-his-priest-I-almost-had-an-affair-with-another-woman)
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!
A woman and her lover are having a bout in the bedroom when the woman hears a car door slam. Rushing over the window, she sees her husband getting out of the car and turns to her lover and says "Quick, hide in the cupboard!". The man obliges and waits there tentatively.A few minutes later the door to the cupboard opens and a small boy looks at the man. "Want to buy a teddy bear?" says the child."No!" says the man."If you don't buy my teddy bear I'll tell my dad you're here!" Says the child.The man begrudgingly gives the child $10 and the child retreats.5 minutes later, the child reappears with another teddy and the man pays another $10.Finally the husband goes back to work and the woman lets her lover out of the cupboard. Going to her son's room she sees him counting out his 'ill gotten' gains. Finding out what her son has done she chides him and sends him to the priest for confession.On entering the confessional the boy says "Forgive me father for I have sinned"To which the priest replies "Thank god, I thought you had come to sell me another teddy bear".
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."The nun agreed...A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"The nun replied, "He went that way."After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."The nun said, "I understand completely."The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Syria either."
Putin was traveling incognito in the Ukranian countryside and stopped to talk with a local farmer."How big is your land" asked Putin.Farmer responded proudly"From here to that big oak tree in the near distance is one side of my land. Same square distance all around."Farmer then asked Putin:"How big is your land?"Putin responded he "could get in his car all day and not reach the end of his land".Farmer replied,"I once had a car like that."
An immigrant to America is working as a pushcart vendor Things are going terribly for him so he is always on the lookout for something better . One day he hears that the local supermarket is looking for a new janitor. Thinking that steady income, less hours, and not waiting for non existent customers in the cold, heat and rain is a major step up, he applies for the job .He is about to wrap things up and take the job when the manager suddenly asks him "Do you know how to read and write in English?" He sadly says no and the offer is withdrawn.He goes back to his pushcart and somehow makes it big. His pushcart business turns into a large retail business. One day as a now wealthy business man he needs a loan to expand his business even further. He still can't read English so he takes someone along to read to him the loan documents. The loan officer says "If you made it so far without knowing how to read or write ,can you imagine where you would be if you did?""Sure" answer the wealthy businessman. "If I knew how to read and write I would be the janitor in the local supermarket!"
An elderly couple went to the doctor's office, and when the doctor asked why, the old man said "we want to have sex on your examining table." The old lady said "we just want to see if we're doing it right". So, the couple had a go and the doctor said "Well, not as energetic as a younger couple, but other than that, you're doing it just fine.A week later, the same couple came in with the same request. The doctor said "Why do you want to do it here, can't you find a more appropriate place'? The man said, well. doc , we're I'm married, so we can't go to my house, and she's married, so we can't go to her house". Then the lady chipped in and said "It's because The Holiday Inn charges $85 for room and you charge $3 for an office call.
Paddy the Irishmen rocks up to his Doctor for a Medical, while waiting he reads an article on IQ tests. After his medical, he asks about the IQ test and the Doctor explains that if you have an IQ of 150% you are a genius. If it is 120% you become the CEO of a Corporation and if it is 100% you become a Manager of a company. But the Doctor says the average is about 50 - 60%, how much is mine says, Paddy. Well Paddy, your's is only 30%, but the Doctor says it is not bad if you have 20% or less you can't tie your own shoe laces. Ahh Paddy says that's why you see a lot of Aussies with thongs.
An old guy at a County Fair had too much to drink. As he was staggering around, barely able to stand and walk, he decided to try the baseball throwing booth to break plates. The guy behind the booth thought he was an easy mark, and happily took the man's money and handed him 6 baseballs to throw. But then, the drunk, barely able to stand, accurately threw the 6 balls and broke 6 plates.The vendor was flabbergasted, but gave the drunk a live turtle as the prize. The drunk took it and staggered away.Three hours later, the drunk was back. This time he slurred every word, couldn't see straight, struggled to hold his head up, and fell down several times as he staggered to the baseball throwing booth. He fell, but pulled himself up to the booth's counter; plopped down his money and asked for 6 baseballs. The vendor thought the drunk was now way too incapacitated to hold, let alone throw a baseball accurately with enough power to break a plate. So, he happily took the man's money. Then, just like before, bam! The drunk rifled off 6 throws and broke 6 plates.The vendor was so amazed, that he got the biggest stuffed animal prize and handed it to the drunk.The drunk looked at it questioningly, then handed it back to the vendor and said, "No, I don't want this. Give me another one of those crunchy pies."
An American tourist is passing by an Irish bar during a sudden rainstorm. He tried the door and walked in. The barman was polishing glasses behind the bar. "I'll take a bourbon on the rocks please". "No I can't serve you we are closed sure we are". " OK can I wait here until the rain passes?". "Sure you can, would you like a drink while you're waiting???".
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Two old ladies are sitting on a bus stop, smoking. It begins to rain, and one old lady pulls out a condom, stretches it out, snips the tip off and puts it over her cigarette so she can smoke without her cigarette getting damp. The other old lady thinks that it is a nifty trick and asks her what she put over her cigarette. The lady replies that it is a condom, and that you can buy them at a pharmacy. The 2nd old lady thanks her, and makes a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week.Sure enough, a few days latter she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter and says "Young man, I would like to buy a condom please". The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies "Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before... um. What size do you need?" The old woman pauses, then replies "I need one that will fit a camel".
A Wife casually calls her husband at the office one afternoonWife: Hi, how r u...?Husband: I m fine...!Wife : What did u have for lunch today?Husband : Dont you have anything else to ask?? You have only silly questions like what did You eat ... what dress u r wearing... whom did u meet.... what song did u listen to etc...!!Wife: Oh!....!!! Ok Ok, then tell me, how should the Central Bank fight these inflationary trends with minimum intervention in the Money Markets? And what should be the role of the Finance Ministry in controlling inward/outward remittances...? ??Husband : (after a few seconds of silence)... I had a chicken sandwich and Orange juice.....!!!!Dedicated to those husbands who still underestimate the intelligence of their wivesA Wife's Witty Reply That Left Her Husband Speechless
A wealthy couple John and Margaret are at a fundraiser for the evening when Margaret grows tired. I'm going to go home. She notifies her husband. No problem he says, I'll get a ride home later. Take the limo.Upon arrival home, Margaret finds Giles her butler, lying on the couch, relaxing.She walks up to Giles and orders him, Giles, takeoff my dress. Giles complies and takes off her dress. She then orders, Giles, takeoff my Stilettos, Giles complies and takes off her stilettos. Giles, she orders takeoff my brazier, Giles complies, and takes off her Brazier. Giles, she orders takeoff my panties. Giles complies and takes off her panties.Then she looks him up and down and states "and if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
A woman and a man crash head-on with their cars. The impact is so great that both vehicles are completely destroyed, but, incredibly, neither of the drivers is hurt.After getting out of their respective cars, the woman says:But look how our cars have turned out!And miraculously we don't have a single scratch!"This must be a sign from God for us to get to know each other, be friends, and make love like crazy for the rest of our days."The man, dazzled by the woman's beauty, responds:-Oh yes! I completely agree with you.The woman continues:"Look, another miracle. My car is completely destroyed, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely fate wants us to take it and celebrate our good fortune."The man, in complete agreement, uncorks the bottle, makes a salute and drinks half of it. Then he hands it back to her so she can drink too.The woman grabs the bottle and puts the cork on.The man, surprised, asks him:"Aren't you going to drink?"The woman answers:"No, I prefer to wait for the Traffic Police to come and take the breathalyzer test."
"An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides."
An 85-year-old lady met a man a similar age to herself. They soon fell in love and decided to get married. "That's wonderful news, mother!" her daughter exclaimed, "When will the exciting event take place?" The old lady rolled her eyes up and replied, "As soon as possible after we're married, what a stupid question"....
Moron walks into a lumber yard. The salesman asks, "What can I help you with?"Moron: "I need some 4-by-2s."Salesman chuckling to himself: "Well sir, we are fresh out of 4 by 2's, but we just got in a load of 2-by-4s. Will that work for you"?Moron: "Hmm, let me go ask my brother." He leaves and comes back shortly replying, "Ok, I guess that will be ok."Salesman: "How long would you like them?"Moron: "Hmmm, let me ask my brother." He leaves comes back shortly. "We want them for a long time because we're going to build a garage.
I heard this joke about sixty years ago but I still think about it today. I have updated it from the Korean War era to today.Two Russian soldiers, Vladimir and Igor, are in the trenches in the dead of winter grumbling about their lack of supplies, food, and medical care. Vladimir has a particularly bad case of chapped lips.Vladimir uses the latrine and when he returns, his lips are all brown. Igor asks him, "What is the brown stuff on your lips?"Vladimir says, "It is shit; I put it on my chapped lips."Igor asks, "Does shit prevent chapped lips?"Vladimir replies, "No, but it sure as hell keeps me from licking them."
One evening John (who had just got divorced) was feeling sorry for himself while strolling along beach in Southern California, and lamenting the fact that his whole life was starting-over. John had lived a good and honest life, worked hard, and always strived to the right thing, but things had still gone haywire. The realization made him question everything that he had believed-in, and seriously wonder whether any of his efforts really mattered? Then he felt a tap on his shoulder, and turned to find a elderly man bathed in a bright white light. God introduced himself and assured John that the world indeed needed more people like John, and that to reward him for is lifetime of piety, God would grant John a single wish. John then looked-out over the ocean at the dazzling colors of the Los Angeles sunset, and turned to God and said "You know, we had our honeymoon in Hawaii, and it was one of the happiest moments of my life. However, I also learned that am terrified of flying so we never returned. How about you creating a bridge from here to Hawaii?" God smiled and then asked John if he was really sure about this bridge because although he was God and could do pretty much anything, the bridge would dramatically disrupt the environment/weather, impact ocean currents, alter migratory patterns, and make shipping far more expensive and complicated, so God just wanted to make sure that John had fully considered the broader ramifications of his request. John thought about things for a second, and immediately saw God's point so he then decided to shift gears, and, turning back to his divorce (that he was still trying to figure-out) John then decided to simply ask God to grant him the ability to understand women. To this God replied "Will that be a two lane bridge or a four lane bridge?"
The Company Commander called for the First Sergeant.When he arrives the C O says:"Top, just got word that Private Schmedlap's mother died. Please inform him.""Got it, Sir."So the Company is assembled for the noon accountability check. Per usual, he makes a few announcements then:"Private Schmedlap?""Here First Sergeant.""Your mom just croaked."Schmedlap completely falls apart and passes out. An ambulance is called and Schmedlap spends almost a week in the hospital getting back his senses.The C O is pissed."Damn it, Top. The Battalion Commander is on fire about this. I'm going to send you to Tact School. Maybe they can teach you to handle things like this a bit more thoughtfully."So, Top spends a week at Tact School. Time passes. Then, one morning . . ."Top", the C O says, "Just got word that Private Schmedlap's father died. You need to inform him and I hope to hell you do a better job this time.""No sweat, Sir, I got this."So at the noon formation, Top makes a few announcements then: "Alright, listen up. I want everyone whose father is still living to take two steps forward. Not you Schmedlap."
A man is upset that his son keeps lying to him, so he buys a robot which (1) detects when someone is lying and (2) then slaps them.So it's the first night with the robot, and the mother, dad, and son are eating dinner together.The dad asks his son: "What did you and your friend do today at his house?" and the son answers "We studied for a test tomorrow" and then, the robot slaps him hard!"Okay, okay, we were watching a movie!". "A movie?" the father responds. "What was it?" "It was some type of Disney movie" the sons says and the robot slaps him again!"Okay... it was a sex flick!" the son confesses. "A sex flick?" the dad says. "When I was your age I didn't even know what that was" and then the robot slaps HIM!The mom, looking on all this, says laughingly:"He really is your son" and then, the robot slaps her!
The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language.She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again and rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC. "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about he local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:Dear Madam:I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it.They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous. Even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats.I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.Remember, this is a friendly community.Sincerely,Campground Owner
A 92 year old man went to the doctor for his annual check-up.The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 92 year old said, "Things are great, and I've never felt better!""I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child.""What do you think about that, doc?"The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story."I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.""One day he was setting off to go hunting, but being a bit absent minded, he accidentally forgot to take his ammunition.""As he neared a lake, he came across a very nice beaver frolicking at the water's edge.""By now, he realized he had left his ammo at home, and so, he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.""Nonetheless, he lifted his favorite hunting rifle, aimed down the sites, and yelled 'bang bang'.""Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver was slain.""Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.Theelder man scatched his chin thoughtfully, then said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."The doctor nodded,"My thoughts exactly."
One afternoon, a man comes home early from work and finds his wife lying on the bed, puffing and panting. Concerned, he asks, "What are you doing?"Caught off guard, she stammers, "I... um... I think I'm having a heart attack!"Alarmed, the husband exclaims, "Oh no! I'll call an ambulance!" He rushes downstairs to dial 911, when he notices his young son Johnny crying."What's wrong, son?" the father asks.Through his tears, Johnny replies, "Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy."Furious, the man storms back upstairs, flings open the closet door, and sure enough, finds his brother standing there, completely naked.Outraged, the man yells, "You idiot, Jim! My wife is having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring Johnny!"
Three female co-workers were taking their lunch break outside at the provided picnic table when a meteorite struck them and they were at the Pearly Gates before they realized that they were dead and had gone to Heaven. St. Peter welcomed them and gave them a tour of Heaven. Ducks were everywhere and St. Peter gave the ducks a wide berth (he kept a distance away from the ducks). "Don't step on or kick a duck," St. Peter warned the three women.One of the women was rebellious and curious. She gently nudged the nearest duck with her foot. Immediately, a tiny dot appeared in the sky above the horizon. The tiny dot became larger and the three women could see that it was approaching them. As the distance decreased, the tiny dot was discerned to be two flying angels and they were transporting a person. As the flying angels got nearer, the three woman saw that the angels were transporting a man - a very ugly man. The angels alighted with their cargo. The angels had a silken rope, The angels used the silken rope to leash the ugly man to the woman who had nudged the duck with her foot. "You will spend the rest of eternity together," the angels announced and then the angels flew away. The woman burst into tears at the development. Her two friends abandoned her to her fate.The two women were playing with a Frisbee when one of them accidently kicked a duck Immediately, a tiny dot appeared in the sky - the flying angels were transporting a person. This man was uglier than the other man that the angels transported.The group of three co-workers has been reduced to a single individual. She was very careful to avoid the ducks. To her surprise, she saw a tiny dot appear in the sky. The flying angels were transporting a person. to her location. It was another man. But, as the man got nearer, she saw that he was a very handsome man. She was mute and speechless in shock (and gratitude) as the silken rope leashed her to the very handsome man. After the angels left, she asked the man, "What happened?"The man said, "I don't know. All I did was to kick a duck."
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and scored three ducks. He tossed them in the back of his pickup truck and was about to head home when he ran into a grumpy game warden who had a thing against hillbillies. The game warden asked the hillbilly for his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden checked it out, then leaned over, picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck isn't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hillbilly dug into his wallet and showed him a Kentucky hunting license.The game warden examined it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This isn't a Kentucky duck. This one's from Tennessee. You got a Tennessee license?" The hillbilly reached back into his wallet and pulled out a Tennessee license. The warden then picked up the third duck. "This one's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?"Once again, the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was really frustrated by this point and yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?"The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!" 😂
The world's richest man is dying. He's made peace with that. But what bothers him is no one in the afterlife will even know it.Here he's a self-made man who created this huge fortune from scratch,but he can't take it with him. Not that he could spend it,of course, but just to SHOW everyone what a great success the poor boy had become.He broods over this so that his guardian angel is worried. One night the angel flies to Heaven to consult Jesus. Jesus says "Well, you know earthly wealth has no place here"The angel replies "I know Lord, but he's been such a good man. Did a lot for charity ,ran his business honestly. He's only human. He can't help having this little quirk. Isn't there something we can do to ease his mind?Jesus thinks a moment. ""All right. Let's look him up in the Book of Life" The Book is like a film of this man's life and seeing his struggles , Jesus is moved.He tells the guardian angel "Wake him and tell him I will allow him to bring one suitcase-only one,mind you. And he can fill it with whatever wealth he chooses. At the moment he of his death it will be brought to heaven with him."The angel goes down and gives the message .The guy is happy but what should he bring? Our money would mean nothing to people from another time,jewels could be faked,stocks and bonds could not be traded so they'd be so much paper. Finally it dawn's on him . Gold. Gold has been valued throughout history.He sends out for the biggest suitcase he can find,fills it with gold bars,and sets it beside his bed. Now he can die in peace,and he does.True to the promise he arrives at the Pearly Gates,suitcase in hand. St.Peter greets him warmly and says "All right. Let's see what was so important to you that eternal life and bliss wasn't enough"The man proudly opens the suitcase,stuffed with row after row of little gold bars.St.Peter stares at it,puzzled, and says "You brought pavement?"
I have heard a few names throughout my life that were questionable. When I was in high school there was a girl named Locke Ann Keyes and her daddy was a locksmith. But the coup de grâce of all names I have heard someone name their child I was told by my MIL.She was a schoolteacher and towards the end of her career she became a homebound teacher. A lot of the students she dealt with were pregnant teen girls. My MIL is fluent in Spanish and often taught English to Spanish-speaking students. She taught other subjects too, but she quite a few students that the only subject she taught was English. Anyway, one of her Hispanic students gave birth and after coming home from the hospital my MIL went to her house for their session or whatever it was called. She proudly showed my MIL her baby and when my MIL asked her what she named the baby the teen explained that the hospital named the baby for her.My MIL completely confused asked what the baby's name was and the teen told her Female. She pronounced it "fee mall e" when they had brought the baby in after she was born it had that paper in the front that said female and the girl's last name. She thought the hospital named the baby. So that is what the young mother put on the baby's birth certificate.Can't imagine being that child and growing up with the name Female. My MIL said she often encountered odd names people had named their children, but that one in particular took the cake.
I got pulled over on the highway for going 7 mph over the speed limit. As the officer started walking up to my truck, I rolled my windows down.Suddenly, my adorable and apparently incredibly smart 7-year-old granddaughter started screaming from the backseat, "It's coming out!!!!!""I can't hold it any longer, Paw Paw!!!""It's almost here!!!!!!!! Paw Pawwww!!!"Now, the trooper is hearing her scream all of this, and he stands up on my brush guard, leans in the window, and asks her, "What's going on here??"She looks him dead in the face and says, "I've got poop coming outta my butt!!"The officer started laughing uncontrollably.I must have looked completely shocked and embarrassed. He asked how far I had to go, which was about 2 miles to my home. He told me to drive safely and get Miss Thang home to do her business. He just couldn't stop laughing.As soon as we pulled away, I asked, "What the hell was that about???"This kid smirked and said, "I saw it on YouTube, but I didn't think it would work."I asked, "So... you're not pooping?"She replied, "Nope, and you're not in trouble either."
One day, a guy rushed into a restaurant and took a seat. When the waitress came over, he said, "Hey, I'm in a bit of a hurry, could you please bring me a coffee and a menu?" The waitress quickly went off and came back shortly with the menu and his coffee.As he looked down, he noticed that her thumb was clearly in his coffee when she set it down. He gave her a frustrated look, pushed the menu back, and said, "Just bring me a bowl of soup, okay?"So, the waitress hurried off again and soon returned with his bowl of soup. But once again, he saw that her thumb was deep in his soup as she placed it down. Annoyed, he said, "Alright, what's up with the thumb?"The waitress replied, "Excuse me?""Excuse me? You better say excuse me! You bring my coffee, and your thumb's in it! You bring my soup, and your thumb's in that too! What's going on with your thumb?"She responded, "Well, I slammed my thumb in the door yesterday, and my doctor told me to keep it warm."The guy shot back, "Why don't you just stick it up your butt then?!"To which the waitress casually replied, "Well, I do that when I'm in the kitchen!"
A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,"How much money do you make a week?"A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"The CEO said,"Wait right here."He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here s four weeks pay. Now GET OUT and don t come back."Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"From across the room a voice said,"Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino s and was just waiting to collect the money!"
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:Dear Grand-daughter,The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from athrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper..Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost inthought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that thelight had changed.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn'thonked, I'd never have noticed.I found that lots of people love Jesus!While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love ofGod!''Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!Everyone started honking!I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all thoseloving people.I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!;There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard himyelling something about a sunny beach.I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle fingerstuck up in the air.I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the windowand gave him the good luck sign right back.My grandson burst out laughing.Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment thatthey got out of their cars and started walking towards me.I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this iswhen I noticed the light had changed.So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove onthrough the intersection.I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersectionbefore the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leavethem after all the love we had shared.So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all theHawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lordfor such wonderful folks!!Will write again soon,Love,,,, grandma.. 😊
Four men are playing golf, when a funeral procession slowly drives past the golf course. One of the golfers stops, takes off his hat, and stands quietly until the procession passes.One of the other men says, "Bob sure is respectful!"Another replies, "He ought to be. They were married for 40 years."
A woman had terrible luck in the dating scene and was just about ready to give up when her friend said "Just put exactly what you want on your profile. There is bound to be one man who fits it!"So she writes in her profile Wanted "Man who doesnt run around on a woman, man who doesnt drink or smoke, and man who is a great lover."Months go by and she forgets all about it until her doorbell rings.She opens the door and lying on the mat is an armless and legless man.She says "What are you here for?"He says "Your ad"She say "What makes you qualified?"He says "I dont have legs, so I can't run around on you, I dont have arms, so I can't smoke or drink"She says "So what makes you a great lover?"He says "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
Frank goes to a store to buy a suit. He picks out one he likes, pays for it and puts it on.So he's walking down the street and sees one of his friends. "Joe! What do you think of my new suit?""It's nice, but one of the lapels is higher than the other. Here, do this..." Joe pulls down the left lapel and has Frank hold it with his right hand. "There you go, now it looks great."He sees another friend. "Mary! What do you think of my new suit?""It's nice, but the right sleeve is too short. Here, do this..." She pulls up the right sleeve and has him pinch it between his little finger and palm. "Now you look fantastic."He sees a third friend. "Albert? How do you like my new suit?""Well...the left side of the jacket hangs down lower than the right side." He positions Frank so he's leaned over to the right."Julie! What do you think of my new suit?""The left pants leg is way too short. So, take your left hand and pull up the right leg so they're the same length."Now Frank is walking - or, really, kinda hobbling - down the street when he passes by an old couple.The wife gasped and said to her husband, "what a horribly deformed man!"The husband said, "yeah, but his suit fits."
A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up, moves to the first class section, and sits down. (https://insatiablecuriosityscorner.quora.com/A-plane-is-on-its-way-to-Toronto-when-a-blonde-in-economy-class-gets-up-moves-to-the-first-class-section-and-sits-dow)
(https://qph.cf2.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-896b6b96d3ab7b83f5c65e90562d74f1)
The flight attendant looks at her and asks to see her ticket. Then he tells her that she paid for economy and needs to go back to her seat. The blonde responds, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying here."The flight attendant goes into the cabin and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde sitting in first class, who should be in economy, and who doesn't want to go back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that since she only paid for economy, she needs to go back to her seat. The blonde responds, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying here."The co-pilot tells the pilot that they should probably have the police come when they land to arrest this woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You said she's a blonde? I'll take care of it, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes to the blonde and whispers something in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.The flight attendant and co-pilot are shocked and ask the pilot what he said to make her move without a problem. "I told her first class isn't going to Toronto."
A nun is walking done the corridor.Another nun asks in passing "Who got out of the wrong side of the bed today?".She passes a second nun who asks "Who got out of the wrong side of the bed today?".She passes a third nun who asks "Who got out of the wrong side of the bed today?".The Mother Superior is approaching and is clearly going to say something.'Don't say it, don't ask "Who got out of the wrong side of the bed today?" says the nun."I wasn't going to." says the Mother Superior, "I was going to ask why you're wearing the bishop's slippers".
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately noticed a large, beautiful parrot. On the cage, there was a price tag that said 9.99.Her curiosity was piqued by the unusually low price, "Why so little?" she asked the pet shop owner.The owner looked at the woman and said, "Look lady! I should tell you upfront that this bird was raised in a house of prostitution, and sometimes, he says some very vulgar things."His warning only piqued the woman's curiosity. She slowly circles the cage, pondering and decided it would be fun to have this bird. She bought it, took it home, hung the cage in the living room, and waited for the bird to say something.The bird, seemingly aware of its new surroundings, looked around the room, then at the woman and said, "New house! New madam!"The woman was a little shocked at the implication but then thought, "That is really not so bad."After a while, her two teenage daughters returned from school. The bird saw them and said, "New house! New madam! New girls!"The girls and the woman were initially offended, but then they laughed at the situation, considering where and how the parrot was raised.A few hours later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The parrot looked at him and excitedly said, "Hello Keith! Long time no see. But welcome to my new home."
Two women waited for St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. The first woman asked the second how she ended up there. The second woman said "It was very dark and cold and I was shivering and it was unbearable. I was so cold I slowly faded from consciousness and died. What about you?"The first woman said "I was convinced my husband was cheating on me, so I went home early from work to catch him in the act. I burst into the house but he was watching tv. I wasn't convinced, so I tore through the house like a mad woman, looking in every room and closet and under each bed. I got so worked up I had a massive heart attack and died, so here I am." The second woman responded "Well I sure as hell wish you would have looked in the freezer. Then we would both still be alive!"
There were two women who were complete strangers. They lived in different cities, they had never met, and had no friends or acquaintances in common. However, they had e-mail addresses that were nearly identical - just off by one letter.The husband of the first woman (Mrs. Smith) had just left on a business trip to Florida. After Mr. Smith had finished his business, Mrs. Smith was going to take a flight down and meet him a few days later.The second woman (Mrs. Jones) was still grieving for her husband who had died a week earlier.Mr. Smith arrives in Florida and checks into his hotel. He gets on his laptop and writes his wife an e-mail to let her know he's arrived safely. He carelessly mistypes the e-mail address, sending the message to Mrs. Jones.Mrs. Jones sits at her computer and starts reading her e-mails. Her daughter, in another room, hears her mother scream and runs in to find Mrs. Jones has fainted. Looking at the screen, she sees an open e-mail that reads:My Darling Wife,I just arrived here and have settled in. I am eagerly looking forward to your arrival on Wednesday.Your loving husband.P.S. It sure is hot down here.
A young boy goes to the bank every single day and deposits $100. One day, the bank manager notices and asks him, "Hey there, why do you keep putting $100 in here every day?" The kid replies, "Can we chat in your office?" The manager agrees, and they head to his office. The kid then reveals, "Well, I make a bet every day with someone new that I can kiss my right eye." The manager laughs and says, "No way you can do that!" The kid just smirks and asks, "Wanna bet?" The manager, thinking he's clever, agrees, and in a flash, the kid pulls out his fake eye and kisses it. Feeling a bit silly, the manager hands over $100 but wants it back. The kid says, "Alright, but here's the twist: I bet you're wearing red girly panties. If I'm wrong, I'll give you back your $100 plus another $100." Thinking he's too smart for this, the manager agrees. The kid then adds, "But first, we need 10 witnesses to make it official." The manager rounds up his team, and after taking off his pants, he feels pretty proud to have won $100. But then he notices the kid is grinning about losing money. Confused, he asks, "Why are you happy about losing your cash?" The kid just smiles and says, "Well, I had a bet with your team about how fast I could get you to drop your pants!"
A little dark perhaps, but it's all in jest.A man driving on a lonely country road late at night stopped to give a hitchhiker a ride.The young man thanked him, then after buckling his seatbelt asked the driver, "Aren't you afraid I could be a serial killer?""Nah," said the driver as they headed down the road. "What are the odds there'd be two of us in the same car?"
A well to do lady walked into a famous artist's studio and asked him to paint as picture of what he thought was on Custer's mind at his famous battle at the Little Bighorn. First he told her that it was to hard and she kept upping the price of what she was going to pay him, so he agreed. He said come back in two months and it will be ready. Exactly 2 months later the same lady walked into the same studio and asked, is my picture ready? He said yes, it is, come this way. Arriving at the picture it is covered up. He takes the cover off and there is General Custer standing beside a white cow, with a halo around it's head with a bunch of Indians in a circle around them having sex. She said, my word, what does this mean. He said I think he said, " Holy cow, where did all of them fu>>>.ing Indians come from."
Once, a hungry Lion told the fox, "Get me something to eat, or I will eat you!" The fox went to a donkey and said, "The Lion wants to make you a king, come with me."When the Lion saw the donkey, he attacked, biting off its ears, but the donkey ran away. The donkey told the fox, "You tricked me! The Lion tried to kill me!" The fox replied, "Don't be silly! He took your ears so you could wear a crown! Let's go back." The donkey thought this made sense, so it followed the fox again.This time, the Lion attacked the donkey and bit off its tail! The donkey escaped again, saying to the fox, "You were lying! The Lion cut off my tail!" The fox said, "He just wants you to sit comfortably on the throne! Come back with me."The fox convinced the donkey to return once more. The Lion then caught the donkey and killed it. The Lion said to the fox, "Good job bringing back the donkey. Now, skin it for me and bring its brains, lungs, liver, and heart!"The fox skinned the donkey and ate its brain but brought back its lungs, liver, and heart to the Lion. The Lion got angry and asked, "Where is its brain?!" The fox replied, "It had no brain, my king. If it had one, it wouldn't have come back to you after you hurt it!"The Lion thought for a moment and said, "That is very true."
An old man and his wife of 60 years are sitting on their rocking chairs on their porch of many years.The wife gets up from her chair and smacks her husband hard in the face to where he falls our of his chair.As the old man gets up and gets back into his chair, the wife sits back into hers.He asks" What the hell was that for?"She states "For 60 years of terrible sex."The old man sits and thinks for a bit, gets up and slaps his wife hard enough for her to fall out of her chair, and he sits down as she gets back up into her chair.She asks "What the hell was that for?"He states "For knowing the difference!"
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class:
"Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student.
Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
you have a dirty mind.
City man goes out to the country to go duck hunting.After hours searching, he finally aims his gun and downs a duck, but unfortunately, it hits a farmer's barn and lands in the farmer's yard.The city man starts to climb the fence to get his kill, when the farmer steps out of his home. "What are you doing, there?" the farmer asks.The city man says "I'm getting my duck"."Oh, no you're not, that's my duck. It's in my yard, my duck", the farmer argues.Taken aback, the city man starts to argue that it is indeed his duck, since he shot it.They go back and forth for a few minutes, until the farmer says "Look, we can solve this the country way. We keep kicking each other in the nuts until one finally gives up. Winner gets the duck. And since it's my property, I get to go first."The city man thinks for a bit, and, although skeptical, he decides to agree.The farmer pulls back his leg and lays a deep hit on the city man's gonads. The city man doubles over and writhes in pain, screaming in agony for a good half an hour.When the pain finally subsides a little, he stands and says "okay, my turn." And starts to pull back.The farmer raises his hand and says "Naw, you can have the duck."
Two men — Peter and Paul are on their way to a pub to drink when they see their friend AlThey ask Al to come join them but Al replies "Sorry mates. I promised my wife I wouldn't touch a drop of booze" and walks awayPeter is about to insist when Paul says "Forget it Peter. He is already SLOSHED"Peter looks puzzled and says "SLOSHED? He just said he promised his wife he wouldn't even touch a drop of booze"Paul says "Yeah. HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A WIFE"
A blind rabbit and a blind snake bump into each other. "What are you?" asked one. "I don't know because I am blind" said the other.So the snake said "I will feel you and describe you and then we will switch. You have strong back legs, soft fur, a fluffy tail and big ears.""Oh, I must be a rabbit. My turn. You are a cold-blooded, slimy low-life with a forked tongue."And the snake said "Oh my God, I am a lawyer!"
A guy called his friend's boss.Guy- Hello, I am Ron's friend.Boss- Okay. How can I help you?Guy- Ron won't be able to make it to work today.Boss- What nonsense. Why can't he call and inform me?Guy- He is in hospital.Boss- You're lying. I saw him dancing with a female yesterday at the discotheque.Guy- I am not lying. His wife also saw them dancing.Boss- Oh.. Okay.
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?Well, most of the time, you get an onion with long, floppy ears. But, every once in a while, you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner. (https://jokesfunnystories.quora.com/A-woman-goes-to-her-boyfriends-parents-house-for-dinner)
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf.Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
A man walks into a bar and sits on stool. He is the only one in the bar, so he starts talking to the bartender. The bartender asks him what he does for a living and the man tells him that he's an inventor.The bartender says, " An inventor, huh? What have you invented? The man replies," l actually just invented something l think really might take off ". The bartender is curious and asks, " What is that?" The man pulls an apple out of his pocket, and hands it to the bartender. The bartender says, " That's an apple! You didn't invent that!"The man calmly says, " Take a bite ". The bartender takes a bite and is instantly surprised. He says, " That tastes like an orange!" The man says, That's right! But, turn it around a little and take another bite " The bartender turns the apple and takes another bite. He says, " That tastes like a pear!" The man says, " Exactly! That apple tastes like six different fruits when you turn it ".The bartender is impressed, but then says to the man, " If you had one of those that tasted like pu**y, you could make a fortune". The man says, " I do have one!" . He takes another apple out of his pocket and the bartender grabs it out of his hand and takes a big bite. Suddenly, he gets a horrible look on his face , and he spits the bite of apple on the floor. He's disgusted and says " Thzt tastes like shit! The man says, " Just turn it around".
A blonde is typing a dictated letter for her boss, a former military man. She turns to the secretary, sitting next to her and asks, how do you spell the word "colonel"?And the other secretary responds, "you mean like popcorn "kernel "?And the blonde responds "who's kernel popcorn?"
A Jew is walking on a beach. He stubs his toe. He looks around to see what tripped him. He sees something shiny in the sand and bent over and picks it up.He brushes off the sand to have a closer look and suddenly realizes it's an old style lamp from centuries ago. Suddenly, two beautiful genies pop out of the lamp.He could hardly believe it, and they assure him that he can have three wishes.later, to his surprise, when he comes home, he opens his door, and diamonds and rubies spill out onto his feet. He enters the living room and sees the most beautiful naked women he's ever seen. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door.Why, it's the genies! They take him by the hands, walk him to the nearest tree and they hang him by the neck until dead.Says one genie to the other: "I can understand why he would want an inexhaustive supply of wealth. They always ask for that. I can also easily understand why he would want beautiful women in his life, but why he'd wanna be hung like a schvartza is beyond me"
My mother had this old poodle. He was kind of like a cocoa colored. We called him uncle Coco .at least I did. He did some pretty funny things. My mother had this woman that was a friend of hers, but she kind of drove us nuts. I called her Lola bell. She was always drinking a little and telling us that her husband was pushing her down there steps. Anyways, uncle Coco did not like her, and every time she came to the house, he would grab her red coat, no matter where she put it and drag it back to the front door. Like saying time to leave. Lol. On Christmas We put little candy canes on our tree. The next morning, we forgot that the couch was so close he had taken at least half of all the candy canes off the tree, and they were on the floor. Some of them were half eaten.🤭 I was a teenager. Lola bell Was spending the night. she slept in my mother's room. about 2 AM in the morning, she comes running down the hallway breaks into my room with a broom yelling. Where is that dog? Where is that dog? I said I don't know.he's got my teeth. I said what? After thinking for a moment, I knew he likes to go underneath my bed. So I laid on my stomach and looked underneath . Believe or not there was uncle Coco with Lola bells , Teeth in his mouth perfectly like a person. I laughed so hard. I thought I was gonna crap my pants. She started to take the Broom under the bed,and he went running out the darn door down the hallway again After him. Her and my mom caught him and pulled the teeth out of his mouth. 😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷 Lola bell Spent at least an hour in the bathroom, scrubbing those teeth! This was over 50 years ago, and I still remember it. He was a funny little dog, and he lived to be a really old age. He was totally blind and everything by that time. all we had was Polaroids then wish I had a smart phone, like I have now. I'd still have that picture of him under the bed.🐶
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end, sunk to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news.The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.The bad news is, "Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead". Mary replied, "I hung him there to dry."
Doctor calling with bad news
Doc: "Hi – I am sorry but I have bad news, and I have very bad news. Which one do you want first?"
Patient: "ok, give me the very bad news first"
Doc "We have received the latest test results and you have been diagnosed with [color=var(--mv-trellis-color-link,#4b4266)]Ligma[/color] (https://www.themostlysimplelife.com/jokes/ligma-jokes/). You only have 1 day to live"
Patient: "Just 1 day?! ... what's the bad news then???"
Doc: "I tried to call you yesterday, but you didn't pick up your phone"
One evening I was in a bar talking to my friend.
"Last night, while I was out drinking, a burglar broke into my house.."
"Did he get anything?" asked my friend.
"Yes," I said.
"A broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. My wife thought it was me coming home drunk!"
A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
A woman in her seventies called the police when she believed that her husband, also in his seventies, was dead. A detective showed up with a couple of uniformed cops and a medic team. When they arrived at the house, the woman was standing over her husband slightly in tears. He was lying on the carpeted floor in the living room with a wheel chair also lying on its side next to him. The medic immediately checked the old man's pulse and confirmed that he was dead.The detective, after examining the dead man's body, stood up and gently put his hand on the woman's shoulder. "Are you all right, ma'am?" "Yes," she whimpered, still in tears. "You think you can take some questions now?" The woman nodded, still looking as though she couldn't believe what had just happened. "Did he fall out of his wheelchair, ma'am?" the detective asked. "You might say that," she replied. "Is that how he died?" he asked. "Oh, no," she quickly replied. "Oh!" the detective exclaimed. "So you know how he died then? ""Yes," she said, "he took poison." The detective looked at the dead man's body again. "He took poison?", the detective asked surprisingly. "Then why are all these bruises on his body? Why does it look like he was knocked from his wheelchair?"The woman looked exasperated and again shook her teary head, "I'M SORRY, DETECTIVE. BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE IT!"
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."
Ron Chestna, who's 89 years young, got pulled over by the police around 2 a.m.The officer asked him, "Where are you off to at this hour?"Ron responded, "I'm heading to a lecture on alcohol abuse, its effects on the body, plus smoking and being out late."The officer, a bit taken aback, asked, "Seriously? Who's giving a lecture like that at this time?"With a totally straight face, Ron replied, "That would be my wife." 😂
A man walks into a bar carrying a cardboard box. He goes up to the bartender and says, "Hey, if I show you something really amazing, can I drink for free for the rest of the night?""It will have to be REALLY amazing," replies the bartender.The man opens up the box, and inside, there's a little man about a foot tall, playing the piano. The bartender is impressed, and agrees that the guy can drink for free.Awhile later, the bartender comes back over and asks the man, "Okay, I gotta know, what's the story here?"The man explains. "About six months ago, my uncle passed away. I was cleaning out his house and I found what looked like a genie lamp. I figured, let's give it a try - I gave it a rub and POOF! Out popped a genie! He told me he'd grant me one wish..."The bartender rolls his eyes and replies, "There's no such thing as genies."The man grins, and says, "I used to think the same way. But look, here's the lamp, give it a try and see for yourself."He hands the lamp over to the bartender, who gives it a rub. And, lo and behold, OUT POPS A GENIE!"I will grant you one wish," says the genie.The bartender thinks for a moment, and says, "I'd like a million bucks."There's a puff of smoke, and the bar starts filling up with DUCKS."No, no, no!", shrieks the bartender, "I asked for a million BUCKS!!!"The first guy turns back to him and says, "Do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"Thanks, I'll be here all week, two shows on Saturday. Try the chicken, tip your waitress.
Three Navy men found themselves seated together on a Jet flying out of San Diego. The first one introduces himself, "I'm U.S. Navy, Admiral, Retired. Married, two sons. One is a Neurosurgeon, and the other is an orthodontist.The second one began, "I'm U.S. Navy, Admiral, Retired. Married, two sons. One is a Federal Judge, and the other is a Cardiologist.The third gentleman spoke up, U.S. Navy, Petty Officer, Retired. Never Married. Two sons, both Admirals.
Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey, when one of them suddenly collapses in a seizure, foaming at the mouth. He shakes for a few moments, then stops and doesn't move.His friend, understandably freaked out, grabs his cell phone and calls 911. He says to the operator, "Help! I'm out here in the woods with my friend and he just collapsed! He's not breathing - I think maybe he's dead!"The 911 operator says to the man, "OK sir, just calm down. The first thing we need to do is to make sure he really is dead."The hunter says, "OK, hang on a second." He goes away from the phone for a moment and the operator hears a gunshot. Then he comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what do I do?"
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,'You don't know Jack Schitt!'Well, thanks to For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
Guy wakes up to find a gorilla is on his roof, so he looks in the phone book and finds an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be there in 30 minutes.The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a dog."What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.The gorilla removal expert says, "I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to bite and hold the gorilla by the balls until I get down and slap on the handcuffs." Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.Homeowner asks, "What's the shotgun for?""If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."
My neighbor owes me £500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?''Do you have any proof he owes you the money?' asked the lawyer.'Nope,' replied the man.'OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,' said the lawyer.'But it's only £500,' replied the man.'Precisely.That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!'
Father comes home and tells his wife that he went out and got a tattoo of a 100 dollar bill on his manhood and the wife asks "well honey why the hell would you go and do something like that?" The father answers "well for one I like to play with my money and 2 I like to watch it grow and 3 the next time you wanna go out and blow a hundred dollars you won't have to leave the house."
The medical director at a mental hospital wanted to reward some of his best behaved patients so he arranged for tickets to a baseball game. He and his assistant led the patients outside to the bus. The director yelled to the patients "Nuts, get on the bus." When they got to the ballpark, he announced "Nuts, get off the bus." When they got to their seats, the director said "Nuts, sit."The patients were behaving well so the director told his assistant that he was going to take a short walk over to where a friend was seated. When he got back from visiting his friend there was chaos. The patients were fighting with the people around them while the assistant tried to get them to stop. The director asked the assistant "What happened?" The assistant tells him: "Everything was going well. They were enjoying the game. Then vendors came down the aisle. The first one was yelling "Beer! Get yer ice cold beer!" The another came by while shouting "Hot dogs! Get yer hot dogs!" Then the assistant goes on to explain that the problems started when next vendor came by yelling "Peanuts!"
One time I went to camp and we were warned not to tell dirty jokes at the fun night. I was encouraged to do so by my mentor. The jokes went something like this...Why did Ronald McDonald get in legal trouble? He tried to stuff his big mac into a small fry. The other I think wasWhy do gays like hamburgers? It is hot meat between two buns.Those jokes as funny as they were still got me cancelled at camp many years ago
A man is riding through the desert on a horse. He comes across a dog dragging himself through the sand.The dog notices them and calls out "Oh help me, please! I've been lost in this desert for days and I'm dying of thirst! Please, help me!"The man leaps off his horse, pulls out his canteen and rushes to the dog. He pours water into a cup and offers it to him, who begins to quickly lap it up and saying "Oh God bless you, sir! You saved my life!"As the dog drinks, the man thinks this over, saying "I didn't know dogs could talk."The horse says "Yeah, me either..."
I was on a flight with a very cheerful flight attendant, who was clearly gay and made everyone smile as he served us food and drinks.As we were getting ready to land, he came down the aisle in a fun way and announced, "Captain Marvey asked me to tell you that he'll be landing the big, scary plane soon. So, lovely people, please put your trays up – that would be super."As he walked back down the aisle, he saw a well-dressed woman, who looked a bit Arabic, hadn't moved her tray. He said, "Maybe you didn't hear me over the loud engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can get us safely on the ground."The woman calmly turned to him and said, "In my country, I'm called a Princess and I don't take orders from anyone."Without missing a beat, the flight attendant replied, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."
ONE DAY MY 6 YEAR OLD COMES UP AND ASK IF I WANTED TO HEAR A FUNNY STORY HE HEARD AT SCHOOL YESTERDAY... Intrigued that whatever story he heard must have been significantly captivating to some extant because this is my 3rd child and never before has anyone of them ever came home with a story so great that they felt the need to ask if I wanted to hear it before just blatantly telling me about it anyway at some random moment I say sure, let's hear it, and he says;Ok, There are 3 lady's who rob a bank together...One has brown hair like me, another has kind of orange hair like my nana and the last lady has yellow hair.After they rob a bank together the start to chase them until they crash the car. So they run to a farm they noticed was close and decide to hide. The brown hair ladt hides with the cows, the orange hair lady hides with the chickens and the yellow hair lady hides in the garden full of potatoes.When the police come to the farm and look for them they hear a noise over by the cows. They shine their light that way and say...WHOS THERE!? The brown hair lady gets scared and says mummy, moooo mooo. So they cop says oh, I guess that's normal and then leaves to keep looking.A minute goes by and the cop hears some noise over by the chickens so he shines his light and says WHOS THERE-COME OUT OR ILL SHOOT!The orange hair lady doesn't come out but instead says COCADOODLE DOOO. COCADOODLEDOOO. The police rubs his chin and says to himself, nothing out of the ordinary there, and moves on to keep looking.He walks a bit further, past the garden and into a barn place where they keep all the vegetables they just picked and a basket full of potatoes falls down right in front of him. He lifts his light up and he doesn't even say anything when out of nowhere the yellow hair lady stands up from behind a table and says... POTATO POTATO!<<< at first I just stood there in shock at the fact that my 1st grades just told me a very detailed blond joke without knowing he had told me a "BLOND JOKE" . Then I laughed. I laughed so hard that I couldn't stop laughing for what seemed like forever. That was 15 years ago and it's the first joke that comes to mind when anyone asks I'd I know any good jokes.I don't know if the joke itself is actually funny or if it's the fact that a 1st grades told it to me or if it's the way the first grader actually told it, so precisely put together as a whole for something intended to be a put down but I think this is the funniest freaking joke I've ever heard to this day hands down:
A blonde was speeding in a 35-mile-per-hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. (https://jokesfunnystories.quora.com/A-blonde-was-speeding-in-a-35-mile-per-hour-zone-when-a-local-police-officer-pulled-her-over-and-walked-up-to-the-car)
The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.She held it up to her face and said, "Aha!This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,"You're free to go.And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."
A man entered the confessional and told his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman." (https://www.quora.com/profile/Sarah-1438-1/A-man-entered-the-confessional-and-told-his-priest-I-almost-had-an-affair-with-another-woman)
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The man said, "Well, we took our clothes off and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped!" The priest said, "Rubbing against each other is like getting into each other. You'll never see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box!"The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked toward the poor box. He paused for a moment, then began to leave.The priest, who was watching him, ran to him and said, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"The man replied, "Yes, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
My wife took the car to the mechanic because it wasn't running right..The mechanic said to her 'nowt wrong with your car love, just shit in the air filter''brilliant' says the wife 'and how often do i have to do that?'
At the medical school, a professor turns to a student and asks,
"How many kidneys do we have?""Four!" the student replies . "Four?" the professor replied, arrogant, one of those who take pleasure in trampling on the mistakes of others. "Bring some grass, because we have a donkey in the room," the professor ordered his assistant. "And a coffee for me!" the student replied to the teacher's assistantThe professor became so angry that he expelled the student from the classroom. The student, however, was the humorist Aparicio Torelly Aporelly (1895-1971), known as the ' Baron of ltararé '. Upon leaving the classroom, the student again had the audacity to correct the furious professor: "You asked me how many kidneys we have? We have four kidneys: two of mine and two of his. 'We' is an expression used for the plural. Enjoy your meal, and let the grass be yours to enjoy."
Quote from: Cruncher Pete on June 28, 2025, 08:45:35 AMAt the medical school, a professor turns to a student and asks,
"How many kidneys do we have?""Four!" the student replies . "Four?" the professor replied, arrogant, one of those who take pleasure in trampling on the mistakes of others. "Bring some grass, because we have a donkey in the room," the professor ordered his assistant. "And a coffee for me!" the student replied to the teacher's assistantThe professor became so angry that he expelled the student from the classroom. The student, however, was the humorist Aparicio Torelly Aporelly (1895-1971), known as the ' Baron of ltararé '. Upon leaving the classroom, the student again had the audacity to correct the furious professor: "You asked me how many kidneys we have? We have four kidneys: two of mine and two of his. 'We' is an expression used for the plural. Enjoy your meal, and let the grass be yours to enjoy."
Hahahaha! Thank you for sharing Pete :thumbsup:
A little old lady went to buy cat food.She picked up three cans but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."So the lady went home, brought in her cat, and was sold the cat food. . .The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog, and was sold the dog food. . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out, and exclaimed, "That smells like crap."The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy eight rolls of toilet paper."😂
A man moved into a new house with his wife.In the morning, while they were both having breakfast, the wife looked out the window and saw her neighbor's clothes drying in the garden. She said in surprise:"Look, our neighbor's washed clothes are not clean at all! She probably doesn't know how to wash clothes properly."She repeated this comment every time the neighbor washed her clothes and hung them outside to dry.About a month passed, and one day the wife was surprised to see that the neighbor's washed clothes were shiny and spotless.She said happily: "Finally, our neighbor has learned to wash clothes properly!"The husband smiled and said: "No, this morning I cleaned the window through which you look outside!"Then he said gently:"We should clear our own eyes before we see the flaws in others, because most of the time the problem is in our own eyes, not in others."✦ Lesson: Correct your own mistakes, then find faults in others.
A man was sitting on the plane next to a young woman, without further ado he began to talk about all the titles he had and his profound knowledge, the young woman only listened, but the man did not stop showing off all his knowledge.As the young lady didn't say anything, the man told her:-Let's chat.... I've heard that flights seem less long if you talk to the person next to you. The young lady who had just opened a book to start reading closed it slowly and said in a soft voice:-What would you like to talk about?-Well, I don't know... What about "nuclear physics"? he tells her in a mocking tone and showed him a big smile...-Well, that seems to be an interesting topic, but first let me ask you a question... A horse, a cow and a sheep eat the same thing: grass; But, why is the sheep's excrement like small pellets, the cow's is a paste and the horse's looks like a ball of dry grass?Why do you think that happens?The man, visibly surprised by the young woman's intelligence, thought about it for a moment and said:-Hmm... I have no idea.The young lady replied:-Do you really feel qualified to talk about nuclear physics, when you don't even know shit?
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?""No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a pub with their wives and all order tea.
The Englishman sweetly asks his wife, "Pass the honey, honey."
Inspired, the Scotsman turns to his wife saying, "Pass the sugar, sugar."
Not to be outdone, the Irishman glances at his wife and barks, "Pass the milk, you bloody cow!"
A man was blissfully driving along the highway when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road.He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny but, unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.Thedriver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket.Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.A blonde woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong."I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk & pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.Miraculously the Easter Bunny came back to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans & hopped on down the road! 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved & hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards & waved again!The man was astonished.He said to the blonde, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."
A
A Husband and Wife were fighting. The Husband said to the Wife, "When you die, I am going to engrave on your Headstone that you were a cold bitch ". The Wife turned around and said to him, "Well, when you die, I am going to engrave "He's finally Stiff" on your headstone"!Lol
A traveling salesman texted his wife he'd be home the next evening. He arrived on time, only to find her in bed with another man. Clueless to deal with the situation, the aggrieved guy stormed to his father-in-law's house to give vent to his anguish before deciding on the next step."Calm down, son," the father-in-law said coolly. "There's got to be a reason. Let me look into it. Meanwhile, grab your favorite drink from the rack.""After some time, the old man returned, chuckling. "Didn't I tell you, she had a good excuse? SHE DIDN'T GET YOUR MESSAGE".
An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag."You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously."Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.""Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
At dawn the telephone rings."Hello, Senor Gene? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house.""Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?""Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died""My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition or the other one?""The champion sir.""Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?""From eating rotten meat.""Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?""Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses.""Dead horse? What dead horse?""The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart.""Are you insane? What water cart?""The one we used to put out the fire.""Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?""The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.""What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?""For the funeral.""WHAT DAMN FUNERAL?!""Your mother in law's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with one of your new golf clubs."THERE WAS A LONG SILENCE........"Ernesto if you broke that golf club you're fired!
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.
Two old retired codgers happened to be seated next to each other at a resort pool in the Bahamas and started up a conversation. "What did you do and why did you retire?" Asked one of the other. "I was in the garment business and my factory burned down. The insurance company offered a good settlement so I figured I'd hang it up and retire. What about you?" The other man responded, "I have a very similar experience. I had a manufacturing operation that was flooded and the insurer offered me a good settlement so I took it." The first guy ponders this for a while and responds, "How do you start a flood?"
It was the Easter Service the church was full, and the congregation packed close together.While everyone was singing the hymn, Mildred leaned close to her husband Herbert and explained: "Darling, I have just let a very long, fortunately completely silent fart. Most embarrassing. What do you suggest I do?"Well, for a start," replied hubby Herbert, "You could try getting a new battery for your hearing aid."
A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner. (https://jokesfunnystories.quora.com/A-woman-goes-to-her-boyfriends-parents-house-for-dinner)
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf.Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"
Three nuns died and went to heaven. St. Peter tells that to enter they each have to answer a question. Because they are nuns, the questions will be about religion.St. Peter says to the first nun, "Who was the first person to see Jesus after he rose from the dead?"The nun replies, "Oh that's easy. It was Mary Magdalene."And lights flashed and bells rang and the pearly gates swung open and the heavenly choir sang a welcome song as the nun entered heaven.St. Peter says to the second nun, "Who was Ruth's mother-in-law?"The nun says, "Old Testament, eh. Let me see... Oh I know! It was Naomi."And lights flashed and bells rang and the pearly gates swung open ...St. Peter says to the third nun, "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?""The first words Eve said to Adam? Is that even in the Bible? Try to think!"St. Peter says, "Time's up. What were the first words Eve said to Adam?""Gee, that's a hard one"And lights flashed and bells rang ...
An Aeroplane cleaner was cleaning the Pilot's cockpit, when he saw a book titled, "HOW TO FLY AN AEROPLANE FOR BEGINNERS (Volume 1)He opened the first (1st) page which said: "To start the engine, press the red button...". He did so, and the airplane engine started...He was happy and opened the next page...:"To get the airplane moving, press the blue button... "He did so, and the plane started moving at an amazing speed...He wanted to fly, so he opened the third (3rd) page which said: To let the airplane fly, please press the green button... "He did so and the plane started to fly...He was excited...!!After twenty (20) minutes of flying, he was satisfied, and wanted to land, so he decided to go to the fourth (4th) page... and page four (4) says; "To be able to know how to land a plane, please purchase Volume 2 at the nearest bookshop!"
Did you hear about the Preschool teacher who was helping one of the children put on his boots? (https://jokesfunnystories.quora.com/Did-you-hear-about-the-Preschool-teacher-who-was-helping-one-of-the-children-put-on-his-boots)
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet."She looked, and sure enough, they were.It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear them."Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?"He said, "I stuffed them into the toes of my boots".
Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, "You've got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don't care where.""Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.""No problem," the tired Marine assured him, "I'll take it."The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed."How did you sleep?" asked the manager."Never better."The manager was impressed"No problem with the other guy snoring, then?""Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine."How'd you manage that?" asked the manager."He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained."I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and after that he sat up all night watching me..."
Hello?""Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?""No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.""Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."Brief Pause."Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.""Okay Daddy, just a minute."A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy.""And what happened honey?" he asked."Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!""Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?""He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I he isn't moving either."Long PauseLonger PauseEven Longer Pause
One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows wascompletely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow.The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow'seyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About aweek later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care ofit himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put hislips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try.The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow."What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified."Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."
A job interview
Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.
The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.
"That's very good," replied the interviewer.
"And now you, sir," he asked the second man.
"Hmmm, let me see... a blink!" said the second man."It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!", said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant.Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light", he said.
Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question.
"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea," said the Aussie.
"What?!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh, I can explain", said the Aussie, "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants."
He got the job.
An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a 10-litre bucket of manure in the other:The Indian says to the bartender, "Me want Lager!"The bartender says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He then serves the Indian a tall glass of Tennents Lager. The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out.Five days later, the Indian returns:He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other.He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender:"Me want beer!"The bartender says, "Whoa there Chief, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were here... What was that all about anyway?" he asked.The Indian explained, "Me training for job as politician. Drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days come back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind....."
Bob, a bad drunk leaves the doctor's office and goes straight to the bar , after being warned he would die if he kept up his lifestyle.Later that evening, Bob stumbles home and passes his wife ,heading straight to bed, Bob feels a sudden pain in his chest and gut .He thinks to himself " oh no! This is what the doc warned me about!,I'm finished!". Bob finds himself at the pearly gates of Heaven, with St. Peter sittting behind a desk with a large registry. "Just sign, and you can enter Heaven now! Says St Peter to Bob , who asks " Can I please get another chance I'm not even 40 yet!" St. Peter flips through the pages of the register and says" Yes, we have an opening. But you have to go back as a chicken or nothing!" Bob reluctantly agrees, and suddenly finds himself in a barnyard. "Well I guess being a chicken isn't so bad", Bob thinks to himself as he feels sudden pressure in his gut. The pressure increases until Bob lays an egg. Same thing happens again and Bob actually feels happy ,experiencing the joy of motherhood twice in a day. Bob feels pressure in his gut for a third time. Before he can lay the egg, Bob feels a sharp slap on the back of his head, only to wake up from the dream and finds himself back in his bed, his wife screaming "Bob, wake up, you' ve shit the bed again!"
"An older lady gets pulled over for speeding"...Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.Older Woman: Oh, I see.Officer: Can I see your license please?Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.Officer: Don't have one?Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.Older Woman: I can't do that.Officer: Why not?Older Woman: I stole this car.Officer: Stole it?Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.Officer: You what?Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to seeThe Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.Older woman: Is there e a problem sir?Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.Older Woman: Murdered the owner?Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.The officer is quite stunned.Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.Don't Mess With Old Ladies
It's report card day and little Johnny comes home his dad asked to see it.Johnny replied "I don't have it"dad looking confused and why don't you have it?Johnny replied " I loaned it to my friend Bobby"both of Johnny's parents are now angry asking " why f did you loan out your report card?Johnny replied " He wanted to scare his parents '
An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary. (https://jokesfunnystories.quora.com/An-elderly-couple-was-flying-to-Hawaii-for-a-two-week-vacation-to-celebrate-their-50th-anniversary)
Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?""No, sweetheart," she responds.Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, "Did we pay our credit card bill yet?""Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says."One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?" he asks."Oh, forgive me, sweetheart," begged the wife. "I didn't send that one, either."The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, "What was the hug for?"The husband answers, "They'll find us!"...
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would you let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?" 😜😜 (https://jokesfunnystories.quora.com/A-man-walks-into-a-bar-and-orders-a-drink-The-bartender-gives-the-man-his-drink-and-the-man-asks-If-I-show-you-somethi)
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would you let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"The bartender thinks for a minute and then says"It would have to be something spectacular to take that offer."The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar.He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, who is only 1 foot tall, and a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin.Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this."The man says "In the alleyway behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true.A few minutes pass and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking.The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks.He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands."The man chuckles and says "Did you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"(https://qph.cf2.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-9c1022adecdbefd52f75dec0e2e3fa79)
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night. Behind him he hears..BumpBumpWalking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging it's way down the middle of the street towards him.BumpBumpTerrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him..BumpBumpHe runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys,opens the door,rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.However the casket crashes through his door with the lid of the casket clapping..Clappity-bumpClappity-bumpThe terrified man rushes upstairs and locks himself in the bathroom. His heart is pounding;his head is reeling;his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.With a loud CRASH, the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping towards him.The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup.Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...and,the coffin stops!!
A man was wandering around in his back yard when he came across a patch of big mushrooms, they looked nice, so he picked them. He was expecting a number of friends around that evening for a slap up meal and figured the mushrooms would be nice to go with the steaks. But being wary that some mushrooms can be poisonous, he cooked one up and gave it to his dog Spot, figuring that if it didn't make Spot sick then the rest would be okay for the guests. Well Spot scoffed it down and wagged his tail, he wanted more, no sign of him getting sick. Alrighty then, let's do it. So the friends duly arrived, the steak and mushrooms served and soon devoured and everyone was most impressed. But wait......the man's son comes running inside, "Dad, dad, Spot is dead!" Oh hell, what to do now, what will happen to the guests. The man panicked and rang the hospital and they told him to race to the pharmacy and get a special solution to give to his guests and they may well be saved. It causes immediate vomiting and also cleans out the bowels in a flash. So he did that, gave all the guests a good dosing of drench and had some himself. Oh dear, there was much chundering and pooing and moaning and writhing as the guest lay all over the floor filling their pants and covering the furniture with puke and poo. Tsk, tsk. Suddenly the man's son came back in the room and said, "You know what dad, that truck that ran over Spot didn't even stop!"
LONELYThree men, Ben, Harold and Fred, found themselves marooned on a small island in the middle of the ocean after their boat ran out of fuel, with no way to contact the outside world. Then Ben noticed a small lantern lying on the sand beside him which he picked up and rubbed. As he was hoping, a genie appeared and said "I am the genie of the lantern. I am authorised to grant you three wishes, one wish each."Bob immediately said, "I wish to be back home with my wife and children".Pfft. Suddenly Bob was back with his family, and once they got over the fright of seeing him suddenly appear there, they were very happy and relieved to see him.Next it was Harold's turn. Harold was a bachelor and he said, "I want to be in a night club with lots of beautiful women".Suddenly, Harold was in a night club surrounded by beautiful women.Finally it was Fred's turn. Fred thought for a minute and then said, "I'm starting to feel lonely now. I wish my mates were back here with me."
There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?", he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"