Humor

[cruncher Pete]

A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
'Darling, how I've missed you!'
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, 'Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!'

[cruncher Pete]

[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have.[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"But I always get it here," says the blonde.[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"Do you have the container it comes in?"[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container,[/font]
[font="Open Sans", arial, sans-serif]"To apply, push up bottom."[/font]

[cruncher Pete]

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness From God and this Christian Family."
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

[cruncher Pete]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

[cruncher Pete]

A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S".
The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."
Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy."
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.
The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"

[cruncher Pete]

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says one. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[ryzenmulti]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world, but only half of them understand binary

[cruncher Pete]

A cute elderly couple, both in their 80s, paid a visit to a s*x therapist. The therapist warmly greeted them, saying, "You two make such a lovely couple. How can I assist you?"

The man responded, "Do you mind watching us have intercourse?" After a brief moment of contemplation, the therapist agreed, seeing no harm in the matter.

Once the couple finished their intimate session, the therapist gave them her evaluation, saying, "Your lovemaking was perfectly normal. No issues with either of your performances." With a friendly smile, she charged them her regular $90 and wished them a pleasant day.

Surprisingly, the couple returned the next week, repeating the same routine. In fact, this continued every Wednesday for six weeks straight. Each time, they would arrive, engage in their intimate act in front of the therapist, pay the fee, and leave.

After the sixth visit, the therapist couldn't contain her curiosity any longer. She asked, "Can I ask why you guys keep making appointments to see me? Especially since I never find anything to improve in your lovemaking habits."

Without missing a beat, the old man started to explain, "Well, you see, we can't do it at my place because my wife is there, and we can't do it at her place because her husband is there. And even the cheapest hotels charge $130 a night. But coming here only costs me $80."

[cruncher Pete]

Mrs. Tyler, a science teacher in a 5th-grade class, posed the following question to her students, "Which part of the human body expands 8 times its size when stimulated?"
No one said anything until little Sarah jumped up and blurted out, "You're not supposed to ask us that kind of stuff! I'm gonna tell my parents, and they're gonna go straight to the principal!"
Unfazed by Sarah's protest, Mrs. Tyler repeated the question, "Which body part expands 8 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Sarah's jaw dropped, and she whispered to the kids nearby, "Oh wow, she's going to be in sooo much trouble!"
Disregarding Sarah's comments once again, Mrs. Tyler addressed the class once more, hoping for a response.
Finally, Cooper raises his hands, and says, "I think the body part that grows 8 times when stimulated is the pupil in your eyes."
Mrs. Tyler commended Cooper for his correct answer, then turned her attention to Sarah and said, "I have three things to say to you, missy. One, you clearly didn't read your homework. Two, you need to get your mind out of the gutter. And three, one day you'll be incredibly disappointed.

[cruncher Pete]

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn't think anyone would stand up so she asked him, "Why did you stand up?" He answered, "I didn't want to leave you standing up by yourself."

[cruncher Pete]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

[cruncher Pete]

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn't think anyone would stand up so she asked him, "Why did you stand up?" He answered, "I didn't want to leave you standing up by yourself."

[cruncher Pete]

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

[cruncher Pete]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

[cruncher Pete]

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"