Humor

[cruncher Pete]

A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink.He stays like that for half of an hour.Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.The poor man starts crying.The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking.Here, I'll buy you another drink.I just can't stand to see a man cry.""No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office.My boss, outrageous, fires me.When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.The police said that they can do nothing.I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.The cab driver just drives away."I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.I leave home and come to this bar.And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you showed up and drank my poison."

[cruncher Pete]

It's not so much a saying, as a word with two meanings in the UK, and only one in the US.I flew into London, and as I was walking up the ramp into the airport, my hands rubbed against some sticky stinky stuff on the railing. I saw some airline staff by the door and told them about the guck on the hand rail, and asked them where the closest place I could wash my hand was. They pointed off to the left, and said just use the toilet.I explained that while the stuff on my hand was pretty disgusting, I was not going to stick it in a toilet and try and clean it. I wouldn't feel any cleaner when I was done.They broke out laughing and said that the toilet had sinks I could use.Who knew that a toilet has two meanings in England. I had thought that they used loo for the room, and toilet for the toilet. In North America a toilet is just the bowl and tank, it's not a room.You learn something new every day.Years later I was told I could fill my water bottle in the toilet, but while it was initially shocking, I had already learned the secret.

[cruncher Pete]

An American is crossing the street in London when he's hit by a car. He wakes up in a hospital and sees a nurse. His body one mass of pain he asks the nurse, "Was I brought here...to die?""No," she says, "you were brought here yesterdie."

[cruncher Pete]

It was the first time that Johny had ever flown by business class in a modern aircraftHe was amazed to find that it had separate woman's and men's toilets.Finding the men's toilet occupied, he quietly slipped into the women's toilet.It was a sophisticated hi-tech toilet.While sitting on the toilet seat, he noticed a series of buttons on the wall.Curious, he pushed a button marked WW.At once. Warm Water jetted along the insides of his thighs.Delighted, he pushed the buttons marked PP beside it.The water jet shut down and, ever so gently, a small Powder Puff began tapping his behind.Thrilled, he pushed the button labeled ATR.That was the last thing he remembered until he opened his eyes and looked up into the smiling face of the nurse in a hospital."Christ!" He, exclaimed. "What happened?" he asked the nurse.The nurse scolded him: "You went into the ladies toilet, didn't you? That is not allowed".Johny: "Sorry, but I had to go"Nurse: "And you pressed the ATR button, didn't you?"Johny: "Yes"Nurse smilingly: "That stands for Automatic Tampon Removal. When you can walk, Sir, you will find your penis waiting for you in your pant pocket"

[cruncher Pete]

A number of years ago there was a newly ordained Catholic priest by the name of Father Conor O'Malley.
Due to family connections, his first assignment is The Cathedral of the Most Holy Trinity located on Barronstrand Street in Waterford City, Ireland.
He finds it's a huge old cathedral with a 43 meter spire and 49 meters of balconies accross it's transepts and can seat over 1000 people during services.
Father O'Mally is assigned to the local Monsignor for training and familiarization with local customs and procedures. After about three months, he's finally ready to give his first Mass.
He's nervous; but he completes the mass and then meets up with the Monsignor and asks "Monsignor, how did I do?"
The Monsignor says "Father O'Malley, you did OK for your first Mass. You were obviously a little nervous. I've been doing this a long time, so here's a little advice. Before your next Mass, dring a little Whiskey. It'll calm you down and warm you up, and you'll be fine."
Unlike the stereotypical Irishman, Father O'Malley has never had a drink in his life so he doesn't know what a little Whisky is; but he figures that the guy at the liquor store is an expert.
So he goes to the local liquor store and says "I need a little Whisky." The store clerk sets down a fifth of Tullamore Dew. As far as Father O'Malley is concerned, THAT is a little Whiskey. Before his next Mass, he drinks the whole bottle. When he's done, he again asks "Monsignor, how did I do?"
The Monsignor says: "Father O'Malley, if you are going to continue to say Mass at this Parish, we need to get a few things straight:
1) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
2) There were 12 Apostles, not 10.
3) You will not refer to Jesus Christ as the Late Great J.C.
4) Nor will you refer to the Trinity as Old Man, Junior, and the Spook.
5) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of Goliath.
6) Jesus Christ was crucified, not circumcised.
7) And finally, next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's"

[cruncher Pete]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. ☘️🇮🇪
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers.One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin.When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together.So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.One day, he comes in and orders two pints.All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs."Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.But it hasn't affected me brothers though."

[cruncher Pete]

A guy comes home from the pub and he's really angry. His wife asks what's the problem."That bloody Postman, bragging down the pub, claims he's had every woman in this street except one" he says."I'll bet it's that snooty cow at number 3" replies the wife.Or....A little boy says to his dad "Daddy, when you were at work the other day, the doorbell rang and it was the Postman. And mummy let him in. And they went upstairs. And they took their clothes off. And they got in the bed. And the bed covers went up and down.. and...""Wait!" Says the dad. "I want you to tell me about this tonight while we're all having dinner" - I've suspected her for some time, he thinks. Now I'll get her. In front of the whole family. "And tell me as if its the first time you've said anything about it" he adds.So at dinner that evening. The little boy begins "Daddy, when you went to work last week, the doorbell went. And it was the Postman. And...""Daddy doesn't want to hear your silly stories, eat your dinner" says the Mum."No, go on" says the dad "this sounds very interesting""And mummy let him in. And they went upstairs....""Now eat up, Daddy is too busy for your gossip""No! Go on!" Says the Dad " this sounds *very* interesting"."And they took all their clothes off..."Mum by now is bright red. "Eat up, Daddy doesn't want....""No, go on! This I want to hear. In *full* detail""And they got in the bed. And the bed covers went up and down."Daddy looks at Mummy - he's absolutely seething.... She's perplexed."Just like what you did with Aunty Mary when mummy went on holiday!

[cruncher Pete]

A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250 ♞✨
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died"Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back"The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already"Dave said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse"The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"Dave said, "I'm going to raffle him off"The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"Dave said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead"A month Later, the farmer met up with Dave and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"Dave said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495"The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"Dave said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back".

[cruncher Pete]

A nurse was instructed to give a male patient a sponge bath. The patient was wearing an oxygen mask, as he had suffered an extremely bad asthma attack.The young nurse was told that she only had to wash him from the waist up, but the man on his oxygen mask said, " Nurse, are my testicles black?" She pretended not to hear him, but he repeated himself: " Nurse, are my testicles black?" She knew she had to do something, so, very gingerly, she looked under his sheet, then cupped his testicles in her hand. She looked at the patient and said, " They seem okay to me sir." The patient stared at her for a minute, then with exasperation, he lowered his mask and said very slowly: "Are...my....test results..back?"

[cruncher Pete]

Five year old Simon was in Summer Bible Camp. His teacher had asked the class to draw their favorite Bible story. When she looked at Simon's drawing, he had drawn an airplane. The teacher asked who were the people in the plane. Simon started from the back window and said, "This is Joseph." On the next window he said "This is Mary." And in the front window, he said "This is the Baby Jesus." The teacher then asked why he had drawn them in an airplane. Simon said "It's for their flight out of Egypt." The teacher then asked who is sitting in the cockpit and Simon replies "Oh, that's Pontius the Pilot."

[cruncher Pete]

An Irish girl goes away to college in the big city. Her father sends her money as he can, but he's a poor man, and it doesn't amount to much. The girl has to do whatever she can to raise money to live on. At the end of the year, she returns home. Her father mentions that she looks healthy."Oh father, please forgive me!" she wails. "Yer only daughter has had to become a prostitute to survive.""What's that ye say?" demands the old man.Realizing he's hard of hearing, she enunciates clearly, "Father, I've become a prostitute.""Praise the Lord!" exclaims the old man, "Fer a minute I thought ye said ye were a Protestant!"

[cruncher Pete]

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out---caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.

She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at
]"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

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[cruncher Pete]

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

[cruncher Pete]

Ms Straightlace was in the midst of her third period, third grade Math class one Thursday when she addressed the class:"Now children, there are four crows sitting on a fence. If you take your gun and shoot one, how many are left?"Little Johnny quickly raised his hand. Ms S. Called on him: "Yes, Johnny?"Johnny said, "None! They'd all fly away!"Ms S. laughed and said, "Well, Johnny, the correct answer is three. But I like the way you're thinking!"Johnny then asked, "Mind if I ask you a question?" She laughed and said, "Of course you can ask a question!"Johnny said, "Okay, there are three women in an ice cream shop. One is biting her cone; one is licking her cone, and one is sucking her cone. Which one's married?"Surprised, she replied, "Um, I don't know....the one sucking her cone?"Johnny smiled and said, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you're thinking!"

[cruncher Pete]

An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.
After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.
The hearing specialist said, "It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now."
"Oh no," the man responded. "I haven't told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I've changed my will four times."