Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.Naturally, his parents know that there's no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car."Where did you get that car?" his mom and dad screamed in shock."I bought it today," replied the teen calmly."With what money young man?" his mom demands. "We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it!""Well, it's used and I got a good deal," says the boy, "This one cost me 20 dollars.""Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!""The woman up the street," the boy replies. "I don't know her name–she just moved in. She ordered a pizza and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars."The boy's dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor's house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard."I'm the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20," the dad says. "I need an explanation from you!""Well," the woman says, not looking up from her garden. "This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back.""What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?" The boy's mom asks, utterly perplexed.The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute. "Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money."So I did."

[Cruncher Pete]

A young couple moved into a new house.The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the washing outside."That laundry is not very clean; she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better soap powder.Her husband looked on, remaining silent.Every time her neighbor hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments.A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she's finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"The husband replied, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."And so it is with life... What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.So don't be too quick to judge others, especially if your perspective of life is clouded by anger, jealousy, negativity or unfulfilled desires."Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."

[Cruncher Pete]

A rich young woman sat beside a poor elderly man on a plane. She alerted the flight attendant upon taking her seat.The flight attendant answered warmly, when the woman abruptly said, "Please find me another seat immediately." The flight attendant responded, "I'm sorry Ma'am, but the economy cabin is fully booked."The rich woman replied, "But I'm not going to travel beside a worthless bum. Do something."While the elderly man stared in disbelief, the flight attendant responded,"I'll talk to the Captain about this."The flight attendant went to the Captain and asked, "Captain, a woman feels uncomfortable sitting beside a poor elder man. What should we do?"Surprisingly, the Captain's face changed. He looked amused and said, "This woman is interesting. I've never encountered an issue like this before. I have a plan. Listen.."And the Captain relayed to the flight attendant what he wants to do. The flight attendant was stunned at his plan. In fact, she was amazed.A few minutes later, the flight attendant returned. "The Captain said we could use an open seat in First Class. He also wants to apologize for having to travel with such a terrible person."As the woman rose out of her seat, the flight attendant reached out her arm towards the poor elderly man. "Sir will you please follow me?" To which the plane applauded.Never look down on other people. We are all equal in God's sight. Regardless of what you have achieved in life, stay humble. Keep your feet on the ground. The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot.

[Cruncher Pete]

Mary was late for school and the principal asked her why.She explained: "I had to take our cow to our neighbors so that the bull could get her pregnant."The principal said:"Couldn't your father do that?"
Mary replied: "I suppose he could, but I think the bull has had more experience."

[Cruncher Pete]

Two best friends finish high school and move on to separate colleges. Initially they try very hard to keep in contact. But life events make that harder and harder over the years and they loose contact. Twenty years later there is a high school reunion and both men now have a chance to meet and catch up.Friend #1: After high school I went on to receive a bachelor's degree in Mechanical Engineering. Then I moved on to receive a Masters and then Doctorates in Metallurgy. I am working for a company that develops armor plating for military vehicles. But I have to say it is a frustrating job. Every time I come up with a new armor that will stop any known weapon, some A-hole engineer out there comes up with a new weapon that burns through my armor. I have no choice but to start again.Friend #2: Very interesting I have to say, and I feel your frustration. After high school I double majored in Chemical and Mechanical Engineering. I Mastered in both and went on to receive my Doctorate in Chemical Engineering. I started working for a company that develops ordinance that can defeat all known armor plating. Every time I come up with a formula and delivery system that does the job. Some A-hole engineer out there would come up with a new armor, and I would have to start again.I guess we are the A-holes.

[Cruncher Pete]

An old lady went to her bank, handed her bank card to the teller, and said "I would like to withdraw €10".The teller replied: "For withdrawals under €100, please use the ATM". The old lady wanted to know why... The teller gave her back her bank card and said in an irritated tone: "These are the rules, please leave if you have nothing more to do. There is a line of customers waiting behind you".The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, gave the teller her card back and said "I would like to withdraw all the money in my account".She then checked the old lady's account balance. She nodded, leaned over and said respectfully "You have €300,000 in your account but the bank does not have that much liquidity at the moment. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?"The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller said she could withdraw any amount up to $3,000."Well I would like to withdraw $3,000 please".The teller kindly handed her $3,000, with a friendly smile. The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2,990 into her account.The moral of the story is: Never underestimate old people, they have spent a lifetime learning.

[Cruncher Pete]

A guy at a bar was just looking at his drink.He stays like that for half of an hour.Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.The poor man starts crying.The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking.Here, I'll buy you another drink.I just can't stand to see a man cry.""No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life.First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office.My boss, outrageous, fires me.When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.The police said that they can do nothing.I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there.The cab driver just drives away."I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener.I leave home and come to this bar.And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you showed up and drank my poison."

[Cruncher Pete]

It's not so much a saying, as a word with two meanings in the UK, and only one in the US.I flew into London, and as I was walking up the ramp into the airport, my hands rubbed against some sticky stinky stuff on the railing. I saw some airline staff by the door and told them about the guck on the hand rail, and asked them where the closest place I could wash my hand was. They pointed off to the left, and said just use the toilet.I explained that while the stuff on my hand was pretty disgusting, I was not going to stick it in a toilet and try and clean it. I wouldn't feel any cleaner when I was done.They broke out laughing and said that the toilet had sinks I could use.Who knew that a toilet has two meanings in England. I had thought that they used loo for the room, and toilet for the toilet. In North America a toilet is just the bowl and tank, it's not a room.You learn something new every day.Years later I was told I could fill my water bottle in the toilet, but while it was initially shocking, I had already learned the secret.

[Cruncher Pete]

An American is crossing the street in London when he's hit by a car. He wakes up in a hospital and sees a nurse. His body one mass of pain he asks the nurse, "Was I brought here...to die?""No," she says, "you were brought here yesterdie."

[Cruncher Pete]

It was the first time that Johny had ever flown by business class in a modern aircraftHe was amazed to find that it had separate woman's and men's toilets.Finding the men's toilet occupied, he quietly slipped into the women's toilet.It was a sophisticated hi-tech toilet.While sitting on the toilet seat, he noticed a series of buttons on the wall.Curious, he pushed a button marked WW.At once. Warm Water jetted along the insides of his thighs.Delighted, he pushed the buttons marked PP beside it.The water jet shut down and, ever so gently, a small Powder Puff began tapping his behind.Thrilled, he pushed the button labeled ATR.That was the last thing he remembered until he opened his eyes and looked up into the smiling face of the nurse in a hospital."Christ!" He, exclaimed. "What happened?" he asked the nurse.The nurse scolded him: "You went into the ladies toilet, didn't you? That is not allowed".Johny: "Sorry, but I had to go"Nurse: "And you pressed the ATR button, didn't you?"Johny: "Yes"Nurse smilingly: "That stands for Automatic Tampon Removal. When you can walk, Sir, you will find your penis waiting for you in your pant pocket"

[Cruncher Pete]

A number of years ago there was a newly ordained Catholic priest by the name of Father Conor O'Malley.
Due to family connections, his first assignment is The Cathedral of the Most Holy Trinity located on Barronstrand Street in Waterford City, Ireland.
He finds it's a huge old cathedral with a 43 meter spire and 49 meters of balconies accross it's transepts and can seat over 1000 people during services.
Father O'Mally is assigned to the local Monsignor for training and familiarization with local customs and procedures. After about three months, he's finally ready to give his first Mass.
He's nervous; but he completes the mass and then meets up with the Monsignor and asks "Monsignor, how did I do?"
The Monsignor says "Father O'Malley, you did OK for your first Mass. You were obviously a little nervous. I've been doing this a long time, so here's a little advice. Before your next Mass, dring a little Whiskey. It'll calm you down and warm you up, and you'll be fine."
Unlike the stereotypical Irishman, Father O'Malley has never had a drink in his life so he doesn't know what a little Whisky is; but he figures that the guy at the liquor store is an expert.
So he goes to the local liquor store and says "I need a little Whisky." The store clerk sets down a fifth of Tullamore Dew. As far as Father O'Malley is concerned, THAT is a little Whiskey. Before his next Mass, he drinks the whole bottle. When he's done, he again asks "Monsignor, how did I do?"
The Monsignor says: "Father O'Malley, if you are going to continue to say Mass at this Parish, we need to get a few things straight:
1) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
2) There were 12 Apostles, not 10.
3) You will not refer to Jesus Christ as the Late Great J.C.
4) Nor will you refer to the Trinity as Old Man, Junior, and the Spook.
5) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of Goliath.
6) Jesus Christ was crucified, not circumcised.
7) And finally, next week there is a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's"

[Cruncher Pete]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. ☘️🇮🇪
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers.One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin.When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together.So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.One day, he comes in and orders two pints.All the other regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs."Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that me wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.But it hasn't affected me brothers though."

[Cruncher Pete]

A guy comes home from the pub and he's really angry. His wife asks what's the problem."That bloody Postman, bragging down the pub, claims he's had every woman in this street except one" he says."I'll bet it's that snooty cow at number 3" replies the wife.Or....A little boy says to his dad "Daddy, when you were at work the other day, the doorbell rang and it was the Postman. And mummy let him in. And they went upstairs. And they took their clothes off. And they got in the bed. And the bed covers went up and down.. and...""Wait!" Says the dad. "I want you to tell me about this tonight while we're all having dinner" - I've suspected her for some time, he thinks. Now I'll get her. In front of the whole family. "And tell me as if its the first time you've said anything about it" he adds.So at dinner that evening. The little boy begins "Daddy, when you went to work last week, the doorbell went. And it was the Postman. And...""Daddy doesn't want to hear your silly stories, eat your dinner" says the Mum."No, go on" says the dad "this sounds very interesting""And mummy let him in. And they went upstairs....""Now eat up, Daddy is too busy for your gossip""No! Go on!" Says the Dad " this sounds *very* interesting"."And they took all their clothes off..."Mum by now is bright red. "Eat up, Daddy doesn't want....""No, go on! This I want to hear. In *full* detail""And they got in the bed. And the bed covers went up and down."Daddy looks at Mummy - he's absolutely seething.... She's perplexed."Just like what you did with Aunty Mary when mummy went on holiday!

[Cruncher Pete]

A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250 ♞✨
The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died"Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back"The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already"Dave said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse"The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"Dave said, "I'm going to raffle him off"The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead horse!"Dave said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead"A month Later, the farmer met up with Dave and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"Dave said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2495"The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"Dave said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back".

[Cruncher Pete]

A nurse was instructed to give a male patient a sponge bath. The patient was wearing an oxygen mask, as he had suffered an extremely bad asthma attack.The young nurse was told that she only had to wash him from the waist up, but the man on his oxygen mask said, " Nurse, are my testicles black?" She pretended not to hear him, but he repeated himself: " Nurse, are my testicles black?" She knew she had to do something, so, very gingerly, she looked under his sheet, then cupped his testicles in her hand. She looked at the patient and said, " They seem okay to me sir." The patient stared at her for a minute, then with exasperation, he lowered his mask and said very slowly: "Are...my....test results..back?"