Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

"An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides."

[Cruncher Pete]

An 85-year-old lady met a man a similar age to herself. They soon fell in love and decided to get married. "That's wonderful news, mother!" her daughter exclaimed, "When will the exciting event take place?" The old lady rolled her eyes up and replied, "As soon as possible after we're married, what a stupid question"....

[Cruncher Pete]

Moron walks into a lumber yard. The salesman asks, "What can I help you with?"Moron: "I need some 4-by-2s."Salesman chuckling to himself: "Well sir, we are fresh out of 4 by 2's, but we just got in a load of 2-by-4s. Will that work for you"?Moron: "Hmm, let me go ask my brother." He leaves and comes back shortly replying, "Ok, I guess that will be ok."Salesman: "How long would you like them?"Moron: "Hmmm, let me ask my brother." He leaves comes back shortly. "We want them for a long time because we're going to build a garage.

[Cruncher Pete]

I heard this joke about sixty years ago but I still think about it today. I have updated it from the Korean War era to today.Two Russian soldiers, Vladimir and Igor, are in the trenches in the dead of winter grumbling about their lack of supplies, food, and medical care. Vladimir has a particularly bad case of chapped lips.Vladimir uses the latrine and when he returns, his lips are all brown. Igor asks him, "What is the brown stuff on your lips?"Vladimir says, "It is shit; I put it on my chapped lips."Igor asks, "Does shit prevent chapped lips?"Vladimir replies, "No, but it sure as hell keeps me from licking them."

[Cruncher Pete]

One evening John (who had just got divorced) was feeling sorry for himself while strolling along beach in Southern California, and lamenting the fact that his whole life was starting-over. John had lived a good and honest life, worked hard, and always strived to the right thing, but things had still gone haywire. The realization made him question everything that he had believed-in, and seriously wonder whether any of his efforts really mattered? Then he felt a tap on his shoulder, and turned to find a elderly man bathed in a bright white light. God introduced himself and assured John that the world indeed needed more people like John, and that to reward him for is lifetime of piety, God would grant John a single wish. John then looked-out over the ocean at the dazzling colors of the Los Angeles sunset, and turned to God and said "You know, we had our honeymoon in Hawaii, and it was one of the happiest moments of my life. However, I also learned that am terrified of flying so we never returned. How about you creating a bridge from here to Hawaii?" God smiled and then asked John if he was really sure about this bridge because although he was God and could do pretty much anything, the bridge would dramatically disrupt the environment/weather, impact ocean currents, alter migratory patterns, and make shipping far more expensive and complicated, so God just wanted to make sure that John had fully considered the broader ramifications of his request. John thought about things for a second, and immediately saw God's point so he then decided to shift gears, and, turning back to his divorce (that he was still trying to figure-out) John then decided to simply ask God to grant him the ability to understand women. To this God replied "Will that be a two lane bridge or a four lane bridge?"

[Cruncher Pete]

The Company Commander called for the First Sergeant.When he arrives the C O says:"Top, just got word that Private Schmedlap's mother died. Please inform him.""Got it, Sir."So the Company is assembled for the noon accountability check. Per usual, he makes a few announcements then:"Private Schmedlap?""Here First Sergeant.""Your mom just croaked."Schmedlap completely falls apart and passes out. An ambulance is called and Schmedlap spends almost a week in the hospital getting back his senses.The C O is pissed."Damn it, Top. The Battalion Commander is on fire about this. I'm going to send you to Tact School. Maybe they can teach you to handle things like this a bit more thoughtfully."So, Top spends a week at Tact School. Time passes. Then, one morning . . ."Top", the C O says, "Just got word that Private Schmedlap's father died. You need to inform him and I hope to hell you do a better job this time.""No sweat, Sir, I got this."So at the noon formation, Top makes a few announcements then: "Alright, listen up. I want everyone whose father is still living to take two steps forward. Not you Schmedlap."

[Cruncher Pete]

A man is upset that his son keeps lying to him, so he buys a robot which (1) detects when someone is lying and (2) then slaps them.So it's the first night with the robot, and the mother, dad, and son are eating dinner together.The dad asks his son: "What did you and your friend do today at his house?" and the son answers "We studied for a test tomorrow" and then, the robot slaps him hard!"Okay, okay, we were watching a movie!". "A movie?" the father responds. "What was it?" "It was some type of Disney movie" the sons says and the robot slaps him again!"Okay... it was a sex flick!" the son confesses. "A sex flick?" the dad says. "When I was your age I didn't even know what that was" and then the robot slaps HIM!The mom, looking on all this, says laughingly:"He really is your son" and then, the robot slaps her!

[Cruncher Pete]

The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language.She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again and rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC. "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about he local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:Dear Madam:I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it.They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous. Even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats.I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.Remember, this is a friendly community.Sincerely,Campground Owner

[Cruncher Pete]

A 92 year old man went to the doctor for his annual check-up.The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 92 year old said, "Things are great, and I've never felt better!""I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child.""What do you think about that, doc?"The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story."I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.""One day he was setting off to go hunting, but being a bit absent minded, he accidentally forgot to take his ammunition.""As he neared a lake, he came across a very nice beaver frolicking at the water's edge.""By now, he realized he had left his ammo at home, and so, he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.""Nonetheless, he lifted his favorite hunting rifle, aimed down the sites, and yelled 'bang bang'.""Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver was slain.""Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.Theelder man scatched his chin thoughtfully, then said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."The doctor nodded,"My thoughts exactly."

[Cruncher Pete]

One afternoon, a man comes home early from work and finds his wife lying on the bed, puffing and panting. Concerned, he asks, "What are you doing?"Caught off guard, she stammers, "I... um... I think I'm having a heart attack!"Alarmed, the husband exclaims, "Oh no! I'll call an ambulance!" He rushes downstairs to dial 911, when he notices his young son Johnny crying."What's wrong, son?" the father asks.Through his tears, Johnny replies, "Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy."Furious, the man storms back upstairs, flings open the closet door, and sure enough, finds his brother standing there, completely naked.Outraged, the man yells, "You idiot, Jim! My wife is having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring Johnny!"

[Cruncher Pete]

Three female co-workers were taking their lunch break outside at the provided picnic table when a meteorite struck them and they were at the Pearly Gates before they realized that they were dead and had gone to Heaven. St. Peter welcomed them and gave them a tour of Heaven. Ducks were everywhere and St. Peter gave the ducks a wide berth (he kept a distance away from the ducks). "Don't step on or kick a duck," St. Peter warned the three women.One of the women was rebellious and curious. She gently nudged the nearest duck with her foot. Immediately, a tiny dot appeared in the sky above the horizon. The tiny dot became larger and the three women could see that it was approaching them. As the distance decreased, the tiny dot was discerned to be two flying angels and they were transporting a person. As the flying angels got nearer, the three woman saw that the angels were transporting a man - a very ugly man. The angels alighted with their cargo. The angels had a silken rope, The angels used the silken rope to leash the ugly man to the woman who had nudged the duck with her foot. "You will spend the rest of eternity together," the angels announced and then the angels flew away. The woman burst into tears at the development. Her two friends abandoned her to her fate.The two women were playing with a Frisbee when one of them accidently kicked a duck Immediately, a tiny dot appeared in the sky - the flying angels were transporting a person. This man was uglier than the other man that the angels transported.The group of three co-workers has been reduced to a single individual. She was very careful to avoid the ducks. To her surprise, she saw a tiny dot appear in the sky. The flying angels were transporting a person. to her location. It was another man. But, as the man got nearer, she saw that he was a very handsome man. She was mute and speechless in shock (and gratitude) as the silken rope leashed her to the very handsome man. After the angels left, she asked the man, "What happened?"The man said, "I don't know. All I did was to kick a duck."

[Cruncher Pete]

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and scored three ducks. He tossed them in the back of his pickup truck and was about to head home when he ran into a grumpy game warden who had a thing against hillbillies. The game warden asked the hillbilly for his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden checked it out, then leaned over, picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck isn't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hillbilly dug into his wallet and showed him a Kentucky hunting license.The game warden examined it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This isn't a Kentucky duck. This one's from Tennessee. You got a Tennessee license?" The hillbilly reached back into his wallet and pulled out a Tennessee license. The warden then picked up the third duck. "This one's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?"Once again, the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was really frustrated by this point and yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?"The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!" 😂

[Cruncher Pete]

The world's richest man is dying. He's made peace with that. But what bothers him is no one in the afterlife will even know it.Here he's a self-made man who created this huge fortune from scratch,but he can't take it with him. Not that he could spend it,of course, but just to SHOW everyone what a great success the poor boy had become.He broods over this so that his guardian angel is worried. One night the angel flies to Heaven to consult Jesus. Jesus says "Well, you know earthly wealth has no place here"The angel replies "I know Lord, but he's been such a good man. Did a lot for charity ,ran his business honestly. He's only human. He can't help having this little quirk. Isn't there something we can do to ease his mind?Jesus thinks a moment. ""All right. Let's look him up in the Book of Life" The Book is like a film of this man's life and seeing his struggles , Jesus is moved.He tells the guardian angel "Wake him and tell him I will allow him to bring one suitcase-only one,mind you. And he can fill it with whatever wealth he chooses. At the moment he of his death it will be brought to heaven with him."The angel goes down and gives the message .The guy is happy but what should he bring? Our money would mean nothing to people from another time,jewels could be faked,stocks and bonds could not be traded so they'd be so much paper. Finally it dawn's on him . Gold. Gold has been valued throughout history.He sends out for the biggest suitcase he can find,fills it with gold bars,and sets it beside his bed. Now he can die in peace,and he does.True to the promise he arrives at the Pearly Gates,suitcase in hand. St.Peter greets him warmly and says "All right. Let's see what was so important to you that eternal life and bliss wasn't enough"The man proudly opens the suitcase,stuffed with row after row of little gold bars.St.Peter stares at it,puzzled, and says "You brought pavement?"

[Cruncher Pete]

I have heard a few names throughout my life that were questionable. When I was in high school there was a girl named Locke Ann Keyes and her daddy was a locksmith. But the coup de grâce of all names I have heard someone name their child I was told by my MIL.She was a schoolteacher and towards the end of her career she became a homebound teacher. A lot of the students she dealt with were pregnant teen girls. My MIL is fluent in Spanish and often taught English to Spanish-speaking students. She taught other subjects too, but she quite a few students that the only subject she taught was English. Anyway, one of her Hispanic students gave birth and after coming home from the hospital my MIL went to her house for their session or whatever it was called. She proudly showed my MIL her baby and when my MIL asked her what she named the baby the teen explained that the hospital named the baby for her.My MIL completely confused asked what the baby's name was and the teen told her Female. She pronounced it "fee mall e" when they had brought the baby in after she was born it had that paper in the front that said female and the girl's last name. She thought the hospital named the baby. So that is what the young mother put on the baby's birth certificate.Can't imagine being that child and growing up with the name Female. My MIL said she often encountered odd names people had named their children, but that one in particular took the cake.

[Cruncher Pete]

I got pulled over on the highway for going 7 mph over the speed limit. As the officer started walking up to my truck, I rolled my windows down.Suddenly, my adorable and apparently incredibly smart 7-year-old granddaughter started screaming from the backseat, "It's coming out!!!!!""I can't hold it any longer, Paw Paw!!!""It's almost here!!!!!!!! Paw Pawwww!!!"Now, the trooper is hearing her scream all of this, and he stands up on my brush guard, leans in the window, and asks her, "What's going on here??"She looks him dead in the face and says, "I've got poop coming outta my butt!!"The officer started laughing uncontrollably.I must have looked completely shocked and embarrassed. He asked how far I had to go, which was about 2 miles to my home. He told me to drive safely and get Miss Thang home to do her business. He just couldn't stop laughing.As soon as we pulled away, I asked, "What the hell was that about???"This kid smirked and said, "I saw it on YouTube, but I didn't think it would work."I asked, "So... you're not pooping?"She replied, "Nope, and you're not in trouble either."