Humor

[cruncher Pete]

An old man and his wife of 60 years are sitting on their rocking chairs on their porch of many years.The wife gets up from her chair and smacks her husband hard in the face to where he falls our of his chair.As the old man gets up and gets back into his chair, the wife sits back into hers.He asks" What the hell was that for?"She states "For 60 years of terrible sex."The old man sits and thinks for a bit, gets up and slaps his wife hard enough for her to fall out of her chair, and he sits down as she gets back up into her chair.She asks "What the hell was that for?"He states "For knowing the difference!"

[cruncher Pete]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class:

"Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student.

Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

 you have a dirty mind. 

[cruncher Pete]

City man goes out to the country to go duck hunting.After hours searching, he finally aims his gun and downs a duck, but unfortunately, it hits a farmer's barn and lands in the farmer's yard.The city man starts to climb the fence to get his kill, when the farmer steps out of his home. "What are you doing, there?" the farmer asks.The city man says "I'm getting my duck"."Oh, no you're not, that's my duck. It's in my yard, my duck", the farmer argues.Taken aback, the city man starts to argue that it is indeed his duck, since he shot it.They go back and forth for a few minutes, until the farmer says "Look, we can solve this the country way. We keep kicking each other in the nuts until one finally gives up. Winner gets the duck. And since it's my property, I get to go first."The city man thinks for a bit, and, although skeptical, he decides to agree.The farmer pulls back his leg and lays a deep hit on the city man's gonads. The city man doubles over and writhes in pain, screaming in agony for a good half an hour.When the pain finally subsides a little, he stands and says "okay, my turn." And starts to pull back.The farmer raises his hand and says "Naw, you can have the duck."

[cruncher Pete]

Two men — Peter and Paul are on their way to a pub to drink when they see their friend AlThey ask Al to come join them but Al replies "Sorry mates. I promised my wife I wouldn't touch a drop of booze" and walks awayPeter is about to insist when Paul says "Forget it Peter. He is already SLOSHED"Peter looks puzzled and says "SLOSHED? He just said he promised his wife he wouldn't even touch a drop of booze"Paul says "Yeah. HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A WIFE"

[cruncher Pete]

A blind rabbit and a blind snake bump into each other. "What are you?" asked one. "I don't know because I am blind" said the other.So the snake said "I will feel you and describe you and then we will switch. You have strong back legs, soft fur, a fluffy tail and big ears.""Oh, I must be a rabbit. My turn. You are a cold-blooded, slimy low-life with a forked tongue."And the snake said "Oh my God, I am a lawyer!"

[cruncher Pete]

A guy called his friend's boss.Guy- Hello, I am Ron's friend.Boss- Okay. How can I help you?Guy- Ron won't be able to make it to work today.Boss- What nonsense. Why can't he call and inform me?Guy- He is in hospital.Boss- You're lying. I saw him dancing with a female yesterday at the discotheque.Guy- I am not lying. His wife also saw them dancing.Boss- Oh.. Okay.

[cruncher Pete]

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?Well, most of the time, you get an onion with long, floppy ears. But, every once in a while, you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes

[cruncher Pete]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf.Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

[cruncher Pete]

A man walks into a bar and sits on stool. He is the only one in the bar, so he starts talking to the bartender. The bartender asks him what he does for a living and the man tells him that he's an inventor.The bartender says, " An inventor, huh? What have you invented? The man replies," l actually just invented something l think really might take off ". The bartender is curious and asks, " What is that?" The man pulls an apple out of his pocket, and hands it to the bartender. The bartender says, " That's an apple! You didn't invent that!"The man calmly says, " Take a bite ". The bartender takes a bite and is instantly surprised. He says, " That tastes like an orange!" The man says, That's right! But, turn it around a little and take another bite " The bartender turns the apple and takes another bite. He says, " That tastes like a pear!" The man says, " Exactly! That apple tastes like six different fruits when you turn it ".The bartender is impressed, but then says to the man, " If you had one of those that tasted like pu**y, you could make a fortune". The man says, " I do have one!" . He takes another apple out of his pocket and the bartender grabs it out of his hand and takes a big bite. Suddenly, he gets a horrible look on his face , and he spits the bite of apple on the floor. He's disgusted and says " Thzt tastes like shit! The man says, " Just turn it around".

[cruncher Pete]

A blonde is typing a dictated letter for her boss, a former military man. She turns to the secretary, sitting next to her and asks, how do you spell the word "colonel"?And the other secretary responds, "you mean like popcorn "kernel "?And the blonde responds "who's kernel popcorn?"

[cruncher Pete]

A Jew is walking on a beach. He stubs his toe. He looks around to see what tripped him. He sees something shiny in the sand and bent over and picks it up.He brushes off the sand to have a closer look and suddenly realizes it's an old style lamp from centuries ago. Suddenly, two beautiful genies pop out of the lamp.He could hardly believe it, and they assure him that he can have three wishes.later, to his surprise, when he comes home, he opens his door, and diamonds and rubies spill out onto his feet. He enters the living room and sees the most beautiful naked women he's ever seen. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door.Why, it's the genies! They take him by the hands, walk him to the nearest tree and they hang him by the neck until dead.Says one genie to the other: "I can understand why he would want an inexhaustive supply of wealth. They always ask for that. I can also easily understand why he would want beautiful women in his life, but why he'd wanna be hung like a schvartza is beyond me"

[cruncher Pete]

My mother had this old poodle. He was kind of like a cocoa colored. We called him uncle Coco .at least I did. He did some pretty funny things. My mother had this woman that was a friend of hers, but she kind of drove us nuts. I called her Lola bell. She was always drinking a little and telling us that her husband was pushing her down there steps. Anyways, uncle Coco did not like her, and every time she came to the house, he would grab her red coat, no matter where she put it and drag it back to the front door. Like saying time to leave. Lol. On Christmas We put little candy canes on our tree. The next morning, we forgot that the couch was so close he had taken at least half of all the candy canes off the tree, and they were on the floor. Some of them were half eaten.🤭 I was a teenager. Lola bell Was spending the night. she slept in my mother's room. about 2 AM in the morning, she comes running down the hallway breaks into my room with a broom yelling. Where is that dog? Where is that dog? I said I don't know.he's got my teeth. I said what? After thinking for a moment, I knew he likes to go underneath my bed. So I laid on my stomach and looked underneath . Believe or not there was uncle Coco with Lola bells , Teeth in his mouth perfectly like a person. I laughed so hard. I thought I was gonna crap my pants. She started to take the Broom under the bed,and he went running out the darn door down the hallway again After him. Her and my mom caught him and pulled the teeth out of his mouth. 😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷 Lola bell Spent at least an hour in the bathroom, scrubbing those teeth! This was over 50 years ago, and I still remember it. He was a funny little dog, and he lived to be a really old age. He was totally blind and everything by that time. all we had was Polaroids then wish I had a smart phone, like I have now. I'd still have that picture of him under the bed.🐶

[cruncher Pete]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end, sunk to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news.The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.The bad news is, "Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead". Mary replied, "I hung him there to dry."

[cruncher Pete]

Doctor calling with bad news
Doc: "Hi – I am sorry but I have bad news, and I have very bad news. Which one do you want first?"
Patient: "ok, give me the very bad news first"
Doc "We have received the latest test results and you have been diagnosed with [color=var(--mv-trellis-color-link,#4b4266)]Ligma[/color]. You only have 1 day to live"
Patient: "Just 1 day?! ... what's the bad news then???"
Doc: "I tried to call you yesterday, but you didn't pick up your phone"

[cruncher Pete]

One evening I was in a bar talking to my friend.
"Last night, while I was out drinking, a burglar broke into my house.."
"Did he get anything?" asked my friend.
"Yes," I said.
"A broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. My wife thought it was me coming home drunk!"