Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[Cruncher Pete]

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

[Cruncher Pete]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

[Cruncher Pete]

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

[Cruncher Pete]

A woman in her seventies called the police when she believed that her husband, also in his seventies, was dead. A detective showed up with a couple of uniformed cops and a medic team. When they arrived at the house, the woman was standing over her husband slightly in tears. He was lying on the carpeted floor in the living room with a wheel chair also lying on its side next to him. The medic immediately checked the old man's pulse and confirmed that he was dead.The detective, after examining the dead man's body, stood up and gently put his hand on the woman's shoulder. "Are you all right, ma'am?" "Yes," she whimpered, still in tears. "You think you can take some questions now?" The woman nodded, still looking as though she couldn't believe what had just happened. "Did he fall out of his wheelchair, ma'am?" the detective asked. "You might say that," she replied. "Is that how he died?" he asked. "Oh, no," she quickly replied. "Oh!" the detective exclaimed. "So you know how he died then? ""Yes," she said, "he took poison." The detective looked at the dead man's body again. "He took poison?", the detective asked surprisingly. "Then why are all these bruises on his body? Why does it look like he was knocked from his wheelchair?"The woman looked exasperated and again shook her teary head, "I'M SORRY, DETECTIVE. BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE IT!"

[Cruncher Pete]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."

[Cruncher Pete]

Ron Chestna, who's 89 years young, got pulled over by the police around 2 a.m.The officer asked him, "Where are you off to at this hour?"Ron responded, "I'm heading to a lecture on alcohol abuse, its effects on the body, plus smoking and being out late."The officer, a bit taken aback, asked, "Seriously? Who's giving a lecture like that at this time?"With a totally straight face, Ron replied, "That would be my wife." 😂

[Cruncher Pete]

A man walks into a bar carrying a cardboard box. He goes up to the bartender and says, "Hey, if I show you something really amazing, can I drink for free for the rest of the night?""It will have to be REALLY amazing," replies the bartender.The man opens up the box, and inside, there's a little man about a foot tall, playing the piano. The bartender is impressed, and agrees that the guy can drink for free.Awhile later, the bartender comes back over and asks the man, "Okay, I gotta know, what's the story here?"The man explains. "About six months ago, my uncle passed away. I was cleaning out his house and I found what looked like a genie lamp. I figured, let's give it a try - I gave it a rub and POOF! Out popped a genie! He told me he'd grant me one wish..."The bartender rolls his eyes and replies, "There's no such thing as genies."The man grins, and says, "I used to think the same way. But look, here's the lamp, give it a try and see for yourself."He hands the lamp over to the bartender, who gives it a rub. And, lo and behold, OUT POPS A GENIE!"I will grant you one wish," says the genie.The bartender thinks for a moment, and says, "I'd like a million bucks."There's a puff of smoke, and the bar starts filling up with DUCKS."No, no, no!", shrieks the bartender, "I asked for a million BUCKS!!!"The first guy turns back to him and says, "Do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"Thanks, I'll be here all week, two shows on Saturday. Try the chicken, tip your waitress.

[Cruncher Pete]

Three Navy men found themselves seated together on a Jet flying out of San Diego. The first one introduces himself, "I'm U.S. Navy, Admiral, Retired. Married, two sons. One is a Neurosurgeon, and the other is an orthodontist.The second one began, "I'm U.S. Navy, Admiral, Retired. Married, two sons. One is a Federal Judge, and the other is a Cardiologist.The third gentleman spoke up, U.S. Navy, Petty Officer, Retired. Never Married. Two sons, both Admirals.

[Cruncher Pete]

Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey, when one of them suddenly collapses in a seizure, foaming at the mouth. He shakes for a few moments, then stops and doesn't move.His friend, understandably freaked out, grabs his cell phone and calls 911. He says to the operator, "Help! I'm out here in the woods with my friend and he just collapsed! He's not breathing - I think maybe he's dead!"The 911 operator says to the man, "OK sir, just calm down. The first thing we need to do is to make sure he really is dead."The hunter says, "OK, hang on a second." He goes away from the phone for a moment and the operator hears a gunshot. Then he comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what do I do?"

[Cruncher Pete]

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,'You don't know Jack Schitt!'Well, thanks to For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[Cruncher Pete]

Guy wakes up to find a gorilla is on his roof, so he looks in the phone book and finds an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be there in 30 minutes.The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a dog."What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.The gorilla removal expert says, "I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to bite and hold the gorilla by the balls until I get down and slap on the handcuffs." Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.Homeowner asks, "What's the shotgun for?""If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

[Cruncher Pete]

My neighbor owes me £500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?''Do you have any proof he owes you the money?' asked the lawyer.'Nope,' replied the man.'OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,' said the lawyer.'But it's only £500,' replied the man.'Precisely.That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!'

[Cruncher Pete]

Father comes home and tells his wife that he went out and got a tattoo of a 100 dollar bill on his manhood and the wife asks "well honey why the hell would you go and do something like that?" The father answers "well for one I like to play with my money and 2 I like to watch it grow and 3 the next time you wanna go out and blow a hundred dollars you won't have to leave the house."

[Cruncher Pete]

The medical director at a mental hospital wanted to reward some of his best behaved patients so he arranged for tickets to a baseball game. He and his assistant led the patients outside to the bus. The director yelled to the patients "Nuts, get on the bus." When they got to the ballpark, he announced "Nuts, get off the bus." When they got to their seats, the director said "Nuts, sit."The patients were behaving well so the director told his assistant that he was going to take a short walk over to where a friend was seated. When he got back from visiting his friend there was chaos. The patients were fighting with the people around them while the assistant tried to get them to stop. The director asked the assistant "What happened?" The assistant tells him: "Everything was going well. They were enjoying the game. Then vendors came down the aisle. The first one was yelling "Beer! Get yer ice cold beer!" The another came by while shouting "Hot dogs! Get yer hot dogs!" Then the assistant goes on to explain that the problems started when next vendor came by yelling "Peanuts!"