Humor

[jave808]

A man was working in the garden and his wife was about to take a shower.

He realized that he couldn't find the rake.. and yelled up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

She couldn't hear and she shouted back, "What?"

He pointed to his eye, and then pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.

his wife wasn't sure and said "What?"

He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"

His wife replied that she understands and signals back.

She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell he could even come close to that one.

Exasperated, He went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"

She replies: "Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush!"

[cruncher Pete]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[cruncher Pete]

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her to please move out of the first class section.
Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat.
He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

[cruncher Pete]

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, and your children - Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car.
The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

[cruncher Pete]

An elderly couple visits their grown-up grandson one night. While in the bathroom, Grandpa discovers a bottle of Viagra in his grandson's medicine cupboard.

"I don't think you should take one of those," says the grandson when his grandpa asks him about them: "They're pretty expensive."

"How much?" asks the old timer.

"$20 a pill," replies the grandson.

"I'd still like to try one," says the old man: "Before we go in the morning I'll leave the money under the pillow in the guest room."

The next day the grandson goes into the guest room, and lifts the pillow to find $120. Puzzled, he calls his grandpa. "Grandpa, I told you the pills were $20 each!" he says.

[cruncher Pete]

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-"

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

[cruncher Pete]

A guy walks into a bar carrying a paper bag. He sits down, orders a drink and puts his bag on the bar.

The bartender says, "What do you have in the bag?"

The guy reaches into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, a piano stool and a tiny man. The little man jumps on the piano stool and begins playing.

The bartender says, "That's pretty cool. Where did you get that?"

The guy reaches into the bag again and pulls out a brass lamp. He says, "This is a magic lamp. If you rub it a genie will come out and grant you one wish."

The bartender rubs the lamp and sure enough a genie comes out and asks the bartender what he would like to wish for. The bartender says, "I want a million bucks."

A few minutes later a duck walks into the bar followed by more and more ducks. Pretty soon the bar is overrun with ducks. The bartender says, "Hay, is this genie hard of hearing? I didn't ask for a million ducks; I asked for a million bucks."

The guy says, "Ha, ha. Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[cruncher Pete]

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."
The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."
Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.

[cruncher Pete]

I was sitting at a bar and asked the bartender where I could find a prostitute.
He told me to go to the back door, down the dark alley and give the woman there 20 bucks.
So I go outside and hand a 20 to the woman there and started getting busy. After a few minutes, a cop walks past and shines a flashlight on us and says 'What the hell are you doing?'
I said 'Having sex with my wife.' He said 'I'm sorry, I didn't realize that was your wife.'
and I said, 'Neither did I till you shined a light on her.'

[cruncher Pete]

A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved.
The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately.
So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response.So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer.
The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. God is missing, and they think WE did it!"

[cruncher Pete]

Before celebrating a baptism, the deacon approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you sure you're prepared for it?""I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for our guests.""I don't mean that," the deacon replied. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?""Oh sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

[cruncher Pete]

A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies,

'I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well,' the cab driver says, 'I've always had a fantasy that a nun performs oral sex on me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that. First, you have to be single, and secondly, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,

'Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!'

The nun says, 'OK, pull into the next alley.'

He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. 'My dear child, why are you crying?' says the nun.

'Forgive me sister, but I have sinned,' says the cabby. 'I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party.'

[cruncher Pete]

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy scout and a pastor were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.

Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.

Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped, also.

The pastor looked at the little boy scout and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy scout handed the parachute back to the pastor and said "Not to worry, Preacher. 'The smartest man in the world' just jumped out with my back pack."

[cruncher Pete]

A blond had recently dyed her hair brown, to get away from being made fun of for being blond.

One day she was driving down a country lane and saw a farm with lots of sheep, and she became enamored by the thought of having a big fluffy sheep as her own. She drove up the long drive to the farm house and knocked on the door. When the farmer answered she asked him a question.

Sir, if I can guess how many sheep you have, would you give me one of the baby sheep as my own?

The farmer scratches his head, and thinking how impossible it would be as he had hundreds of sheep agreed.

Well the lady spends a couple hours walking around ostensibly counting sheep, and as the sun is setting, knocked on the door again.

Well sir, I've counted and counted sheep, and by my estimate you have 875 sheep, not including the babies.

The farmer, amazed, because he'd checked his paperwork and did Indeed that many adult sheep.

He agreed, and she went down to the nearest paddock, and picked up the fluffiest, cutest animal she could.

As she was getting into her car to leave, the farmer hollered out to her.

Hey miss, if I can guess your real hair color, can I have my sheep dog back?

[cruncher Pete]

An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie.
The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."
The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout."
POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magicaly filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"
The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these."