Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a 10-litre bucket of manure in the other:The Indian says to the bartender, "Me want Lager!"The bartender says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He then serves the Indian a tall glass of Tennents Lager. The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out.Five days later, the Indian returns:He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other.He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender:"Me want beer!"The bartender says, "Whoa there Chief, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were here... What was that all about anyway?" he asked.The Indian explained, "Me training for job as politician. Drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days come back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind....."

[Cruncher Pete]

Bob, a bad drunk leaves the doctor's office and goes straight to the bar , after being warned he would die if he kept up his lifestyle.Later that evening, Bob stumbles home and passes his wife ,heading straight to bed, Bob feels a sudden pain in his chest and gut .He thinks to himself " oh no! This is what the doc warned me about!,I'm finished!". Bob finds himself at the pearly gates of Heaven, with St. Peter sittting behind a desk with a large registry. "Just sign, and you can enter Heaven now! Says St Peter to Bob , who asks " Can I please get another chance I'm not even 40 yet!" St. Peter flips through the pages of the register and says" Yes, we have an opening. But you have to go back as a chicken or nothing!" Bob reluctantly agrees, and suddenly finds himself in a barnyard. "Well I guess being a chicken isn't so bad", Bob thinks to himself as he feels sudden pressure in his gut. The pressure increases until Bob lays an egg. Same thing happens again and Bob actually feels happy ,experiencing the joy of motherhood twice in a day. Bob feels pressure in his gut for a third time. Before he can lay the egg, Bob feels a sharp slap on the back of his head, only to wake up from the dream and finds himself back in his bed, his wife screaming "Bob, wake up, you' ve shit the bed again!"

[Cruncher Pete]

"An older lady gets pulled over for speeding"...Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.Older Woman: Oh, I see.Officer: Can I see your license please?Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.Officer: Don't have one?Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.Older Woman: I can't do that.Officer: Why not?Older Woman: I stole this car.Officer: Stole it?Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.Officer: You what?Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to seeThe Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.Older woman: Is there e a problem sir?Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.Older Woman: Murdered the owner?Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.The officer is quite stunned.Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.Don't Mess With Old Ladies

[Cruncher Pete]

It's report card day and little Johnny comes home his dad asked to see it.Johnny replied "I don't have it"dad looking confused and why don't you have it?Johnny replied " I loaned it to my friend Bobby"both of Johnny's parents are now angry asking " why f did you loan out your report card?Johnny replied " He wanted to scare his parents '

[Cruncher Pete]

An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?""No, sweetheart," she responds.Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, "Did we pay our credit card bill yet?""Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says."One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?" he asks."Oh, forgive me, sweetheart," begged the wife. "I didn't send that one, either."The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, "What was the hug for?"The husband answers, "They'll find us!"...

[Cruncher Pete]

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would you let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?" 😜😜
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would you let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"The bartender thinks for a minute and then says"It would have to be something spectacular to take that offer."The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar.He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, who is only 1 foot tall, and a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin.Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this."The man says "In the alleyway behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true.A few minutes pass and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking.The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks.He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands."The man chuckles and says "Did you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"

[Cruncher Pete]

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night. Behind him he hears..BumpBumpWalking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging it's way down the middle of the street towards him.BumpBumpTerrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him..BumpBumpHe runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys,opens the door,rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.However the casket crashes through his door with the lid of the casket clapping..Clappity-bumpClappity-bumpThe terrified man rushes upstairs and locks himself in the bathroom. His heart is pounding;his head is reeling;his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.With a loud CRASH, the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping towards him.The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup.Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...and,the coffin stops!!