Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

It was the Easter Service the church was full, and the congregation packed close together.While everyone was singing the hymn, Mildred leaned close to her husband Herbert and explained: "Darling, I have just let a very long, fortunately completely silent fart. Most embarrassing. What do you suggest I do?"Well, for a start," replied hubby Herbert, "You could try getting a new battery for your hearing aid."

[Cruncher Pete]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf.Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

[Cruncher Pete]

Three nuns died and went to heaven. St. Peter tells that to enter they each have to answer a question. Because they are nuns, the questions will be about religion.St. Peter says to the first nun, "Who was the first person to see Jesus after he rose from the dead?"The nun replies, "Oh that's easy. It was Mary Magdalene."And lights flashed and bells rang and the pearly gates swung open and the heavenly choir sang a welcome song as the nun entered heaven.St. Peter says to the second nun, "Who was Ruth's mother-in-law?"The nun says, "Old Testament, eh. Let me see... Oh I know! It was Naomi."And lights flashed and bells rang and the pearly gates swung open ...St. Peter says to the third nun, "What were the first words Eve said to Adam?""The first words Eve said to Adam? Is that even in the Bible? Try to think!"St. Peter says, "Time's up. What were the first words Eve said to Adam?""Gee, that's a hard one"And lights flashed and bells rang ...

[Cruncher Pete]

An Aeroplane cleaner was cleaning the Pilot's cockpit, when he saw a book titled, "HOW TO FLY AN AEROPLANE FOR BEGINNERS (Volume 1)He opened the first (1st) page which said: "To start the engine, press the red button...". He did so, and the airplane engine started...He was happy and opened the next page...:"To get the airplane moving, press the blue button... "He did so, and the plane started moving at an amazing speed...He wanted to fly, so he opened the third (3rd) page which said: To let the airplane fly, please press the green button... "He did so and the plane started to fly...He was excited...!!After twenty (20) minutes of flying, he was satisfied, and wanted to land, so he decided to go to the fourth (4th) page... and page four (4) says; "To be able to know how to land a plane, please purchase Volume 2 at the nearest bookshop!"

[Cruncher Pete]

Did you hear about the Preschool teacher who was helping one of the children put on his boots?
He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet."She looked, and sure enough, they were.It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, "They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear them."Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?"He said, "I stuffed them into the toes of my boots".

[Cruncher Pete]

Late one evening a Marine pulled into a little town, only to find that every hotel room was taken.When he finally got to the last hotel, he pleaded to the manager, "You've got to have a room somewhere, or just a bed, I don't care where.""Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you.""No problem," the tired Marine assured him, "I'll take it."The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed."How did you sleep?" asked the manager."Never better."The manager was impressed"No problem with the other guy snoring, then?""Nope, I shut him up in no time," said the Marine."How'd you manage that?" asked the manager."He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained."I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and after that he sat up all night watching me..."

[Cruncher Pete]

Hello?""Hi honey this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?""No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.""Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."Brief Pause."Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.""Okay Daddy, just a minute."A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy.""And what happened honey?" he asked."Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!""Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?""He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I he isn't moving either."Long PauseLonger PauseEven Longer Pause

[Cruncher Pete]

One day, a farmer was tending to his livestock when he noticed that one of his cows wascompletely cross-eyed. He called up a veterinarian friend of his who told him to bring in his cow.The vet took one look at the cow, stuck a tube up the cow's butt, and blew into the tube until the cow'seyes straightened out. The vet charged the farmer a hundred bucks, and the farmer went home happy. About aweek later, the cow's eyes were cross-eyed again, but this time the farmer figured he could probably take care ofit himself. So he called his hired hand over, and together they put a tube up the cow's butt. The farmer put hislips to the tube and started to blow. Strangely, nothing happened, so he asked his hired hand to give it a try.The hired hand removed the tube, turned it around, put it in the cow's butt and started to blow."What are you doing?" asked the farmer, horrified."Well, I wasn't gonna use the side that YOU had put your lips on."

[jave808]

A job interview

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.
The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of.

"That's very good," replied the interviewer.
"And now you, sir," he asked the second man.

"Hmmm, let me see... a blink!" said the second man."It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!", said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant.Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light", he said.

Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question.

"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhea," said the Aussie.

"What?!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh, I can explain", said the Aussie, "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants."

He got the job.

[Cruncher Pete]

An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a 10-litre bucket of manure in the other:The Indian says to the bartender, "Me want Lager!"The bartender says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He then serves the Indian a tall glass of Tennents Lager. The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out.Five days later, the Indian returns:He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other.He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender:"Me want beer!"The bartender says, "Whoa there Chief, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were here... What was that all about anyway?" he asked.The Indian explained, "Me training for job as politician. Drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days come back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind....."

[Cruncher Pete]

Bob, a bad drunk leaves the doctor's office and goes straight to the bar , after being warned he would die if he kept up his lifestyle.Later that evening, Bob stumbles home and passes his wife ,heading straight to bed, Bob feels a sudden pain in his chest and gut .He thinks to himself " oh no! This is what the doc warned me about!,I'm finished!". Bob finds himself at the pearly gates of Heaven, with St. Peter sittting behind a desk with a large registry. "Just sign, and you can enter Heaven now! Says St Peter to Bob , who asks " Can I please get another chance I'm not even 40 yet!" St. Peter flips through the pages of the register and says" Yes, we have an opening. But you have to go back as a chicken or nothing!" Bob reluctantly agrees, and suddenly finds himself in a barnyard. "Well I guess being a chicken isn't so bad", Bob thinks to himself as he feels sudden pressure in his gut. The pressure increases until Bob lays an egg. Same thing happens again and Bob actually feels happy ,experiencing the joy of motherhood twice in a day. Bob feels pressure in his gut for a third time. Before he can lay the egg, Bob feels a sharp slap on the back of his head, only to wake up from the dream and finds himself back in his bed, his wife screaming "Bob, wake up, you' ve shit the bed again!"

[Cruncher Pete]

"An older lady gets pulled over for speeding"...Older Woman: Is there a problem, officer?Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.Older Woman: Oh, I see.Officer: Can I see your license please?Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.Officer: Don't have one?Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.Older Woman: I can't do that.Officer: Why not?Older Woman: I stole this car.Officer: Stole it?Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.Officer: You what?Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to seeThe Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!The woman steps out of her vehicle.Older woman: Is there e a problem sir?Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.Older Woman: Murdered the owner?Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.The officer is quite stunned.Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.Don't Mess With Old Ladies

[Cruncher Pete]

It's report card day and little Johnny comes home his dad asked to see it.Johnny replied "I don't have it"dad looking confused and why don't you have it?Johnny replied " I loaned it to my friend Bobby"both of Johnny's parents are now angry asking " why f did you loan out your report card?Johnny replied " He wanted to scare his parents '

[Cruncher Pete]

An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives."Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?""No, sweetheart," she responds.Still shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, "Did we pay our credit card bill yet?""Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says."One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?" he asks."Oh, forgive me, sweetheart," begged the wife. "I didn't send that one, either."The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, "What was the hug for?"The husband answers, "They'll find us!"...

[Cruncher Pete]

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would you let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?" 😜😜
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives the man his drink and the man asks "If I show you something crazy, would you let me have free drinks for the rest of the night?"The bartender thinks for a minute and then says"It would have to be something spectacular to take that offer."The man leans down and picks up a box and sets it on the bar.He opens the box and inside is a small piano man, who is only 1 foot tall, and a little piano. The piano man starts playing classical music like Beethoven and Chopin.Once he finishes, the bartender is in utter disbelief. He tells the man "You can have free drinks for the rest of the night, but only if you tell where you got this."The man says "In the alleyway behind your bar, there is a Genie who is granting free wishes to everyone who wants them." Elated, the bartender heads behind his bar to see if it was true.A few minutes pass and out of the alleyway erupts a cacophony of quacking.The bartender rushes back into the bar and shuts his door against a wave of thousands of ducks.He manages to secure the door and says to the man "I think that the Genie is hard of hearing because after I asked for a million bucks, these ducks appeared by the thousands."The man chuckles and says "Did you really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?"