Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

Ron Chestna, who's 89 years young, got pulled over by the police around 2 a.m.The officer asked him, "Where are you off to at this hour?"Ron responded, "I'm heading to a lecture on alcohol abuse, its effects on the body, plus smoking and being out late."The officer, a bit taken aback, asked, "Seriously? Who's giving a lecture like that at this time?"With a totally straight face, Ron replied, "That would be my wife." 😂

[Cruncher Pete]

A man walks into a bar carrying a cardboard box. He goes up to the bartender and says, "Hey, if I show you something really amazing, can I drink for free for the rest of the night?""It will have to be REALLY amazing," replies the bartender.The man opens up the box, and inside, there's a little man about a foot tall, playing the piano. The bartender is impressed, and agrees that the guy can drink for free.Awhile later, the bartender comes back over and asks the man, "Okay, I gotta know, what's the story here?"The man explains. "About six months ago, my uncle passed away. I was cleaning out his house and I found what looked like a genie lamp. I figured, let's give it a try - I gave it a rub and POOF! Out popped a genie! He told me he'd grant me one wish..."The bartender rolls his eyes and replies, "There's no such thing as genies."The man grins, and says, "I used to think the same way. But look, here's the lamp, give it a try and see for yourself."He hands the lamp over to the bartender, who gives it a rub. And, lo and behold, OUT POPS A GENIE!"I will grant you one wish," says the genie.The bartender thinks for a moment, and says, "I'd like a million bucks."There's a puff of smoke, and the bar starts filling up with DUCKS."No, no, no!", shrieks the bartender, "I asked for a million BUCKS!!!"The first guy turns back to him and says, "Do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"Thanks, I'll be here all week, two shows on Saturday. Try the chicken, tip your waitress.

[Cruncher Pete]

Three Navy men found themselves seated together on a Jet flying out of San Diego. The first one introduces himself, "I'm U.S. Navy, Admiral, Retired. Married, two sons. One is a Neurosurgeon, and the other is an orthodontist.The second one began, "I'm U.S. Navy, Admiral, Retired. Married, two sons. One is a Federal Judge, and the other is a Cardiologist.The third gentleman spoke up, U.S. Navy, Petty Officer, Retired. Never Married. Two sons, both Admirals.

[Cruncher Pete]

Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey, when one of them suddenly collapses in a seizure, foaming at the mouth. He shakes for a few moments, then stops and doesn't move.His friend, understandably freaked out, grabs his cell phone and calls 911. He says to the operator, "Help! I'm out here in the woods with my friend and he just collapsed! He's not breathing - I think maybe he's dead!"The 911 operator says to the man, "OK sir, just calm down. The first thing we need to do is to make sure he really is dead."The hunter says, "OK, hang on a second." He goes away from the phone for a moment and the operator hears a gunshot. Then he comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what do I do?"

[Cruncher Pete]

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?We find ourselves at a loss when someone says,'You don't know Jack Schitt!'Well, thanks to For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[Cruncher Pete]

Guy wakes up to find a gorilla is on his roof, so he looks in the phone book and finds an ad for "Gorilla Removers". He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be there in 30 minutes.The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a dog."What are you going to do?", the homeowner asks.The gorilla removal expert says, "I'm going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to bite and hold the gorilla by the balls until I get down and slap on the handcuffs." Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.Homeowner asks, "What's the shotgun for?""If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog."

[Cruncher Pete]

My neighbor owes me £500 and he won't pay up. What should I do?''Do you have any proof he owes you the money?' asked the lawyer.'Nope,' replied the man.'OK, then write him a letter asking him for the £1,000 he owed you,' said the lawyer.'But it's only £500,' replied the man.'Precisely.That's what he will reply and then you'll have your proof!'

[Cruncher Pete]

Father comes home and tells his wife that he went out and got a tattoo of a 100 dollar bill on his manhood and the wife asks "well honey why the hell would you go and do something like that?" The father answers "well for one I like to play with my money and 2 I like to watch it grow and 3 the next time you wanna go out and blow a hundred dollars you won't have to leave the house."

[Cruncher Pete]

The medical director at a mental hospital wanted to reward some of his best behaved patients so he arranged for tickets to a baseball game. He and his assistant led the patients outside to the bus. The director yelled to the patients "Nuts, get on the bus." When they got to the ballpark, he announced "Nuts, get off the bus." When they got to their seats, the director said "Nuts, sit."The patients were behaving well so the director told his assistant that he was going to take a short walk over to where a friend was seated. When he got back from visiting his friend there was chaos. The patients were fighting with the people around them while the assistant tried to get them to stop. The director asked the assistant "What happened?" The assistant tells him: "Everything was going well. They were enjoying the game. Then vendors came down the aisle. The first one was yelling "Beer! Get yer ice cold beer!" The another came by while shouting "Hot dogs! Get yer hot dogs!" Then the assistant goes on to explain that the problems started when next vendor came by yelling "Peanuts!"

[Cruncher Pete]

One time I went to camp and we were warned not to tell dirty jokes at the fun night. I was encouraged to do so by my mentor. The jokes went something like this...Why did Ronald McDonald get in legal trouble? He tried to stuff his big mac into a small fry. The other I think wasWhy do gays like hamburgers? It is hot meat between two buns.Those jokes as funny as they were still got me cancelled at camp many years ago

[Cruncher Pete]

A man is riding through the desert on a horse. He comes across a dog dragging himself through the sand.The dog notices them and calls out "Oh help me, please! I've been lost in this desert for days and I'm dying of thirst! Please, help me!"The man leaps off his horse, pulls out his canteen and rushes to the dog. He pours water into a cup and offers it to him, who begins to quickly lap it up and saying "Oh God bless you, sir! You saved my life!"As the dog drinks, the man thinks this over, saying "I didn't know dogs could talk."The horse says "Yeah, me either..."

[Cruncher Pete]

I was on a flight with a very cheerful flight attendant, who was clearly gay and made everyone smile as he served us food and drinks.As we were getting ready to land, he came down the aisle in a fun way and announced, "Captain Marvey asked me to tell you that he'll be landing the big, scary plane soon. So, lovely people, please put your trays up – that would be super."As he walked back down the aisle, he saw a well-dressed woman, who looked a bit Arabic, hadn't moved her tray. He said, "Maybe you didn't hear me over the loud engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can get us safely on the ground."The woman calmly turned to him and said, "In my country, I'm called a Princess and I don't take orders from anyone."Without missing a beat, the flight attendant replied, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."

[Cruncher Pete]

ONE DAY MY 6 YEAR OLD COMES UP AND ASK IF I WANTED TO HEAR A FUNNY STORY HE HEARD AT SCHOOL YESTERDAY... Intrigued that whatever story he heard must have been significantly captivating to some extant because this is my 3rd child and never before has anyone of them ever came home with a story so great that they felt the need to ask if I wanted to hear it before just blatantly telling me about it anyway at some random moment I say sure, let's hear it, and he says;Ok, There are 3 lady's who rob a bank together...One has brown hair like me, another has kind of orange hair like my nana and the last lady has yellow hair.After they rob a bank together the start to chase them until they crash the car. So they run to a farm they noticed was close and decide to hide. The brown hair ladt hides with the cows, the orange hair lady hides with the chickens and the yellow hair lady hides in the garden full of potatoes.When the police come to the farm and look for them they hear a noise over by the cows. They shine their light that way and say...WHOS THERE!? The brown hair lady gets scared and says mummy, moooo mooo. So they cop says oh, I guess that's normal and then leaves to keep looking.A minute goes by and the cop hears some noise over by the chickens so he shines his light and says WHOS THERE-COME OUT OR ILL SHOOT!The orange hair lady doesn't come out but instead says COCADOODLE DOOO. COCADOODLEDOOO. The police rubs his chin and says to himself, nothing out of the ordinary there, and moves on to keep looking.He walks a bit further, past the garden and into a barn place where they keep all the vegetables they just picked and a basket full of potatoes falls down right in front of him. He lifts his light up and he doesn't even say anything when out of nowhere the yellow hair lady stands up from behind a table and says... POTATO POTATO!<<< at first I just stood there in shock at the fact that my 1st grades just told me a very detailed blond joke without knowing he had told me a "BLOND JOKE" . Then I laughed. I laughed so hard that I couldn't stop laughing for what seemed like forever. That was 15 years ago and it's the first joke that comes to mind when anyone asks I'd I know any good jokes.I don't know if the joke itself is actually funny or if it's the fact that a 1st grades told it to me or if it's the way the first grader actually told it, so precisely put together as a whole for something intended to be a put down but I think this is the funniest freaking joke I've ever heard to this day hands down:

[Cruncher Pete]

A blonde was speeding in a 35-mile-per-hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car.
The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde's driver's license.The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, "What does a driver's license look like?"Irritated, the blonde cop said, "You dummy, it's got your picture on it!"The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom.She held it up to her face and said, "Aha!This must be my driver's license" and handed it to the blonde policewoman.The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said,"You're free to go.And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this."

[Cruncher Pete]

A man entered the confessional and told his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?" The man said, "Well, we took our clothes off and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped!" The priest said, "Rubbing against each other is like getting into each other. You'll never see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box!"The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked toward the poor box. He paused for a moment, then began to leave.The priest, who was watching him, ran to him and said, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"The man replied, "Yes, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"