Humor

[cruncher Pete]

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up, moves to the first class section, and sits down.

The flight attendant looks at her and asks to see her ticket. Then he tells her that she paid for economy and needs to go back to her seat. The blonde responds, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying here."The flight attendant goes into the cabin and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde sitting in first class, who should be in economy, and who doesn't want to go back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that since she only paid for economy, she needs to go back to her seat. The blonde responds, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying here."The co-pilot tells the pilot that they should probably have the police come when they land to arrest this woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You said she's a blonde? I'll take care of it, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes to the blonde and whispers something in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.The flight attendant and co-pilot are shocked and ask the pilot what he said to make her move without a problem. "I told her first class isn't going to Toronto."

[cruncher Pete]

A nun is walking done the corridor.Another nun asks in passing "Who got out of the wrong side of the bed today?".She passes a second nun who asks "Who got out of the wrong side of the bed today?".She passes a third nun who asks "Who got out of the wrong side of the bed today?".The Mother Superior is approaching and is clearly going to say something.'Don't say it, don't ask "Who got out of the wrong side of the bed today?" says the nun."I wasn't going to." says the Mother Superior, "I was going to ask why you're wearing the bishop's slippers".

[cruncher Pete]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately noticed a large, beautiful parrot. On the cage, there was a price tag that said 9.99.Her curiosity was piqued by the unusually low price, "Why so little?" she asked the pet shop owner.The owner looked at the woman and said, "Look lady! I should tell you upfront that this bird was raised in a house of prostitution, and sometimes, he says some very vulgar things."His warning only piqued the woman's curiosity. She slowly circles the cage, pondering and decided it would be fun to have this bird. She bought it, took it home, hung the cage in the living room, and waited for the bird to say something.The bird, seemingly aware of its new surroundings, looked around the room, then at the woman and said, "New house! New madam!"The woman was a little shocked at the implication but then thought, "That is really not so bad."After a while, her two teenage daughters returned from school. The bird saw them and said, "New house! New madam! New girls!"The girls and the woman were initially offended, but then they laughed at the situation, considering where and how the parrot was raised.A few hours later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The parrot looked at him and excitedly said, "Hello Keith! Long time no see. But welcome to my new home."

[cruncher Pete]

Two women waited for St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. The first woman asked the second how she ended up there. The second woman said "It was very dark and cold and I was shivering and it was unbearable. I was so cold I slowly faded from consciousness and died. What about you?"The first woman said "I was convinced my husband was cheating on me, so I went home early from work to catch him in the act. I burst into the house but he was watching tv. I wasn't convinced, so I tore through the house like a mad woman, looking in every room and closet and under each bed. I got so worked up I had a massive heart attack and died, so here I am." The second woman responded "Well I sure as hell wish you would have looked in the freezer. Then we would both still be alive!"

[cruncher Pete]

There were two women who were complete strangers. They lived in different cities, they had never met, and had no friends or acquaintances in common. However, they had e-mail addresses that were nearly identical - just off by one letter.The husband of the first woman (Mrs. Smith) had just left on a business trip to Florida. After Mr. Smith had finished his business, Mrs. Smith was going to take a flight down and meet him a few days later.The second woman (Mrs. Jones) was still grieving for her husband who had died a week earlier.Mr. Smith arrives in Florida and checks into his hotel. He gets on his laptop and writes his wife an e-mail to let her know he's arrived safely. He carelessly mistypes the e-mail address, sending the message to Mrs. Jones.Mrs. Jones sits at her computer and starts reading her e-mails. Her daughter, in another room, hears her mother scream and runs in to find Mrs. Jones has fainted. Looking at the screen, she sees an open e-mail that reads:My Darling Wife,I just arrived here and have settled in. I am eagerly looking forward to your arrival on Wednesday.Your loving husband.P.S. It sure is hot down here.

[cruncher Pete]

A young boy goes to the bank every single day and deposits $100. One day, the bank manager notices and asks him, "Hey there, why do you keep putting $100 in here every day?" The kid replies, "Can we chat in your office?" The manager agrees, and they head to his office. The kid then reveals, "Well, I make a bet every day with someone new that I can kiss my right eye." The manager laughs and says, "No way you can do that!" The kid just smirks and asks, "Wanna bet?" The manager, thinking he's clever, agrees, and in a flash, the kid pulls out his fake eye and kisses it. Feeling a bit silly, the manager hands over $100 but wants it back. The kid says, "Alright, but here's the twist: I bet you're wearing red girly panties. If I'm wrong, I'll give you back your $100 plus another $100." Thinking he's too smart for this, the manager agrees. The kid then adds, "But first, we need 10 witnesses to make it official." The manager rounds up his team, and after taking off his pants, he feels pretty proud to have won $100. But then he notices the kid is grinning about losing money. Confused, he asks, "Why are you happy about losing your cash?" The kid just smiles and says, "Well, I had a bet with your team about how fast I could get you to drop your pants!"

[cruncher Pete]

A little dark perhaps, but it's all in jest.A man driving on a lonely country road late at night stopped to give a hitchhiker a ride.The young man thanked him, then after buckling his seatbelt asked the driver, "Aren't you afraid I could be a serial killer?""Nah," said the driver as they headed down the road. "What are the odds there'd be two of us in the same car?"

[cruncher Pete]

A well to do lady walked into a famous artist's studio and asked him to paint as picture of what he thought was on Custer's mind at his famous battle at the Little Bighorn. First he told her that it was to hard and she kept upping the price of what she was going to pay him, so he agreed. He said come back in two months and it will be ready. Exactly 2 months later the same lady walked into the same studio and asked, is my picture ready? He said yes, it is, come this way. Arriving at the picture it is covered up. He takes the cover off and there is General Custer standing beside a white cow, with a halo around it's head with a bunch of Indians in a circle around them having sex. She said, my word, what does this mean. He said I think he said, " Holy cow, where did all of them fu>>>.ing Indians come from."

[cruncher Pete]

Once, a hungry Lion told the fox, "Get me something to eat, or I will eat you!" The fox went to a donkey and said, "The Lion wants to make you a king, come with me."When the Lion saw the donkey, he attacked, biting off its ears, but the donkey ran away. The donkey told the fox, "You tricked me! The Lion tried to kill me!" The fox replied, "Don't be silly! He took your ears so you could wear a crown! Let's go back." The donkey thought this made sense, so it followed the fox again.This time, the Lion attacked the donkey and bit off its tail! The donkey escaped again, saying to the fox, "You were lying! The Lion cut off my tail!" The fox said, "He just wants you to sit comfortably on the throne! Come back with me."The fox convinced the donkey to return once more. The Lion then caught the donkey and killed it. The Lion said to the fox, "Good job bringing back the donkey. Now, skin it for me and bring its brains, lungs, liver, and heart!"The fox skinned the donkey and ate its brain but brought back its lungs, liver, and heart to the Lion. The Lion got angry and asked, "Where is its brain?!" The fox replied, "It had no brain, my king. If it had one, it wouldn't have come back to you after you hurt it!"The Lion thought for a moment and said, "That is very true."

[cruncher Pete]

An old man and his wife of 60 years are sitting on their rocking chairs on their porch of many years.The wife gets up from her chair and smacks her husband hard in the face to where he falls our of his chair.As the old man gets up and gets back into his chair, the wife sits back into hers.He asks" What the hell was that for?"She states "For 60 years of terrible sex."The old man sits and thinks for a bit, gets up and slaps his wife hard enough for her to fall out of her chair, and he sits down as she gets back up into her chair.She asks "What the hell was that for?"He states "For knowing the difference!"

[cruncher Pete]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class:

"Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student.

Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

 you have a dirty mind. 

[cruncher Pete]

City man goes out to the country to go duck hunting.After hours searching, he finally aims his gun and downs a duck, but unfortunately, it hits a farmer's barn and lands in the farmer's yard.The city man starts to climb the fence to get his kill, when the farmer steps out of his home. "What are you doing, there?" the farmer asks.The city man says "I'm getting my duck"."Oh, no you're not, that's my duck. It's in my yard, my duck", the farmer argues.Taken aback, the city man starts to argue that it is indeed his duck, since he shot it.They go back and forth for a few minutes, until the farmer says "Look, we can solve this the country way. We keep kicking each other in the nuts until one finally gives up. Winner gets the duck. And since it's my property, I get to go first."The city man thinks for a bit, and, although skeptical, he decides to agree.The farmer pulls back his leg and lays a deep hit on the city man's gonads. The city man doubles over and writhes in pain, screaming in agony for a good half an hour.When the pain finally subsides a little, he stands and says "okay, my turn." And starts to pull back.The farmer raises his hand and says "Naw, you can have the duck."

[cruncher Pete]

Two men — Peter and Paul are on their way to a pub to drink when they see their friend AlThey ask Al to come join them but Al replies "Sorry mates. I promised my wife I wouldn't touch a drop of booze" and walks awayPeter is about to insist when Paul says "Forget it Peter. He is already SLOSHED"Peter looks puzzled and says "SLOSHED? He just said he promised his wife he wouldn't even touch a drop of booze"Paul says "Yeah. HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A WIFE"

[cruncher Pete]

A blind rabbit and a blind snake bump into each other. "What are you?" asked one. "I don't know because I am blind" said the other.So the snake said "I will feel you and describe you and then we will switch. You have strong back legs, soft fur, a fluffy tail and big ears.""Oh, I must be a rabbit. My turn. You are a cold-blooded, slimy low-life with a forked tongue."And the snake said "Oh my God, I am a lawyer!"

[cruncher Pete]

A guy called his friend's boss.Guy- Hello, I am Ron's friend.Boss- Okay. How can I help you?Guy- Ron won't be able to make it to work today.Boss- What nonsense. Why can't he call and inform me?Guy- He is in hospital.Boss- You're lying. I saw him dancing with a female yesterday at the discotheque.Guy- I am not lying. His wife also saw them dancing.Boss- Oh.. Okay.