Humor

[cruncher Pete]

One day, a guy rushed into a restaurant and took a seat. When the waitress came over, he said, "Hey, I'm in a bit of a hurry, could you please bring me a coffee and a menu?" The waitress quickly went off and came back shortly with the menu and his coffee.As he looked down, he noticed that her thumb was clearly in his coffee when she set it down. He gave her a frustrated look, pushed the menu back, and said, "Just bring me a bowl of soup, okay?"So, the waitress hurried off again and soon returned with his bowl of soup. But once again, he saw that her thumb was deep in his soup as she placed it down. Annoyed, he said, "Alright, what's up with the thumb?"The waitress replied, "Excuse me?""Excuse me? You better say excuse me! You bring my coffee, and your thumb's in it! You bring my soup, and your thumb's in that too! What's going on with your thumb?"She responded, "Well, I slammed my thumb in the door yesterday, and my doctor told me to keep it warm."The guy shot back, "Why don't you just stick it up your butt then?!"To which the waitress casually replied, "Well, I do that when I'm in the kitchen!"

[cruncher Pete]

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,"How much money do you make a week?"A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"The CEO said,"Wait right here."He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here s four weeks pay. Now GET OUT and don t come back."Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"From across the room a voice said,"Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino s and was just waiting to collect the money!"

[cruncher Pete]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:Dear Grand-daughter,The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from athrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper..Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost inthought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that thelight had changed.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn'thonked, I'd never have noticed.I found that lots of people love Jesus!While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love ofGod!''Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!Everyone started honking!I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all thoseloving people.I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!;There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard himyelling something about a sunny beach.I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle fingerstuck up in the air.I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the windowand gave him the good luck sign right back.My grandson burst out laughing.Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment thatthey got out of their cars and started walking towards me.I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this iswhen I noticed the light had changed.So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove onthrough the intersection.I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersectionbefore the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leavethem after all the love we had shared.So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all theHawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lordfor such wonderful folks!!Will write again soon,Love,,,, grandma.. 😊

[cruncher Pete]

Four men are playing golf, when a funeral procession slowly drives past the golf course. One of the golfers stops, takes off his hat, and stands quietly until the procession passes.One of the other men says, "Bob sure is respectful!"Another replies, "He ought to be. They were married for 40 years."

[cruncher Pete]

A woman had terrible luck in the dating scene and was just about ready to give up when her friend said "Just put exactly what you want on your profile. There is bound to be one man who fits it!"So she writes in her profile Wanted "Man who doesnt run around on a woman, man who doesnt drink or smoke, and man who is a great lover."Months go by and she forgets all about it until her doorbell rings.She opens the door and lying on the mat is an armless and legless man.She says "What are you here for?"He says "Your ad"She say "What makes you qualified?"He says "I dont have legs, so I can't run around on you, I dont have arms, so I can't smoke or drink"She says "So what makes you a great lover?"He says "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

[cruncher Pete]

Frank goes to a store to buy a suit. He picks out one he likes, pays for it and puts it on.So he's walking down the street and sees one of his friends. "Joe! What do you think of my new suit?""It's nice, but one of the lapels is higher than the other. Here, do this..." Joe pulls down the left lapel and has Frank hold it with his right hand. "There you go, now it looks great."He sees another friend. "Mary! What do you think of my new suit?""It's nice, but the right sleeve is too short. Here, do this..." She pulls up the right sleeve and has him pinch it between his little finger and palm. "Now you look fantastic."He sees a third friend. "Albert? How do you like my new suit?""Well...the left side of the jacket hangs down lower than the right side." He positions Frank so he's leaned over to the right."Julie! What do you think of my new suit?""The left pants leg is way too short. So, take your left hand and pull up the right leg so they're the same length."Now Frank is walking - or, really, kinda hobbling - down the street when he passes by an old couple.The wife gasped and said to her husband, "what a horribly deformed man!"The husband said, "yeah, but his suit fits."

[cruncher Pete]

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up, moves to the first class section, and sits down.

The flight attendant looks at her and asks to see her ticket. Then he tells her that she paid for economy and needs to go back to her seat. The blonde responds, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying here."The flight attendant goes into the cabin and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there's a blonde sitting in first class, who should be in economy, and who doesn't want to go back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that since she only paid for economy, she needs to go back to her seat. The blonde responds, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm staying here."The co-pilot tells the pilot that they should probably have the police come when they land to arrest this woman who won't listen to reason. The pilot says, "You said she's a blonde? I'll take care of it, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde." He goes to the blonde and whispers something in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.The flight attendant and co-pilot are shocked and ask the pilot what he said to make her move without a problem. "I told her first class isn't going to Toronto."

[cruncher Pete]

A nun is walking done the corridor.Another nun asks in passing "Who got out of the wrong side of the bed today?".She passes a second nun who asks "Who got out of the wrong side of the bed today?".She passes a third nun who asks "Who got out of the wrong side of the bed today?".The Mother Superior is approaching and is clearly going to say something.'Don't say it, don't ask "Who got out of the wrong side of the bed today?" says the nun."I wasn't going to." says the Mother Superior, "I was going to ask why you're wearing the bishop's slippers".

[cruncher Pete]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately noticed a large, beautiful parrot. On the cage, there was a price tag that said 9.99.Her curiosity was piqued by the unusually low price, "Why so little?" she asked the pet shop owner.The owner looked at the woman and said, "Look lady! I should tell you upfront that this bird was raised in a house of prostitution, and sometimes, he says some very vulgar things."His warning only piqued the woman's curiosity. She slowly circles the cage, pondering and decided it would be fun to have this bird. She bought it, took it home, hung the cage in the living room, and waited for the bird to say something.The bird, seemingly aware of its new surroundings, looked around the room, then at the woman and said, "New house! New madam!"The woman was a little shocked at the implication but then thought, "That is really not so bad."After a while, her two teenage daughters returned from school. The bird saw them and said, "New house! New madam! New girls!"The girls and the woman were initially offended, but then they laughed at the situation, considering where and how the parrot was raised.A few hours later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The parrot looked at him and excitedly said, "Hello Keith! Long time no see. But welcome to my new home."

[cruncher Pete]

Two women waited for St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. The first woman asked the second how she ended up there. The second woman said "It was very dark and cold and I was shivering and it was unbearable. I was so cold I slowly faded from consciousness and died. What about you?"The first woman said "I was convinced my husband was cheating on me, so I went home early from work to catch him in the act. I burst into the house but he was watching tv. I wasn't convinced, so I tore through the house like a mad woman, looking in every room and closet and under each bed. I got so worked up I had a massive heart attack and died, so here I am." The second woman responded "Well I sure as hell wish you would have looked in the freezer. Then we would both still be alive!"

[cruncher Pete]

There were two women who were complete strangers. They lived in different cities, they had never met, and had no friends or acquaintances in common. However, they had e-mail addresses that were nearly identical - just off by one letter.The husband of the first woman (Mrs. Smith) had just left on a business trip to Florida. After Mr. Smith had finished his business, Mrs. Smith was going to take a flight down and meet him a few days later.The second woman (Mrs. Jones) was still grieving for her husband who had died a week earlier.Mr. Smith arrives in Florida and checks into his hotel. He gets on his laptop and writes his wife an e-mail to let her know he's arrived safely. He carelessly mistypes the e-mail address, sending the message to Mrs. Jones.Mrs. Jones sits at her computer and starts reading her e-mails. Her daughter, in another room, hears her mother scream and runs in to find Mrs. Jones has fainted. Looking at the screen, she sees an open e-mail that reads:My Darling Wife,I just arrived here and have settled in. I am eagerly looking forward to your arrival on Wednesday.Your loving husband.P.S. It sure is hot down here.

[cruncher Pete]

A young boy goes to the bank every single day and deposits $100. One day, the bank manager notices and asks him, "Hey there, why do you keep putting $100 in here every day?" The kid replies, "Can we chat in your office?" The manager agrees, and they head to his office. The kid then reveals, "Well, I make a bet every day with someone new that I can kiss my right eye." The manager laughs and says, "No way you can do that!" The kid just smirks and asks, "Wanna bet?" The manager, thinking he's clever, agrees, and in a flash, the kid pulls out his fake eye and kisses it. Feeling a bit silly, the manager hands over $100 but wants it back. The kid says, "Alright, but here's the twist: I bet you're wearing red girly panties. If I'm wrong, I'll give you back your $100 plus another $100." Thinking he's too smart for this, the manager agrees. The kid then adds, "But first, we need 10 witnesses to make it official." The manager rounds up his team, and after taking off his pants, he feels pretty proud to have won $100. But then he notices the kid is grinning about losing money. Confused, he asks, "Why are you happy about losing your cash?" The kid just smiles and says, "Well, I had a bet with your team about how fast I could get you to drop your pants!"

[cruncher Pete]

A little dark perhaps, but it's all in jest.A man driving on a lonely country road late at night stopped to give a hitchhiker a ride.The young man thanked him, then after buckling his seatbelt asked the driver, "Aren't you afraid I could be a serial killer?""Nah," said the driver as they headed down the road. "What are the odds there'd be two of us in the same car?"

[cruncher Pete]

A well to do lady walked into a famous artist's studio and asked him to paint as picture of what he thought was on Custer's mind at his famous battle at the Little Bighorn. First he told her that it was to hard and she kept upping the price of what she was going to pay him, so he agreed. He said come back in two months and it will be ready. Exactly 2 months later the same lady walked into the same studio and asked, is my picture ready? He said yes, it is, come this way. Arriving at the picture it is covered up. He takes the cover off and there is General Custer standing beside a white cow, with a halo around it's head with a bunch of Indians in a circle around them having sex. She said, my word, what does this mean. He said I think he said, " Holy cow, where did all of them fu>>>.ing Indians come from."

[cruncher Pete]

Once, a hungry Lion told the fox, "Get me something to eat, or I will eat you!" The fox went to a donkey and said, "The Lion wants to make you a king, come with me."When the Lion saw the donkey, he attacked, biting off its ears, but the donkey ran away. The donkey told the fox, "You tricked me! The Lion tried to kill me!" The fox replied, "Don't be silly! He took your ears so you could wear a crown! Let's go back." The donkey thought this made sense, so it followed the fox again.This time, the Lion attacked the donkey and bit off its tail! The donkey escaped again, saying to the fox, "You were lying! The Lion cut off my tail!" The fox said, "He just wants you to sit comfortably on the throne! Come back with me."The fox convinced the donkey to return once more. The Lion then caught the donkey and killed it. The Lion said to the fox, "Good job bringing back the donkey. Now, skin it for me and bring its brains, lungs, liver, and heart!"The fox skinned the donkey and ate its brain but brought back its lungs, liver, and heart to the Lion. The Lion got angry and asked, "Where is its brain?!" The fox replied, "It had no brain, my king. If it had one, it wouldn't have come back to you after you hurt it!"The Lion thought for a moment and said, "That is very true."