Humor

[cruncher Pete]

A man is upset that his son keeps lying to him, so he buys a robot which (1) detects when someone is lying and (2) then slaps them.So it's the first night with the robot, and the mother, dad, and son are eating dinner together.The dad asks his son: "What did you and your friend do today at his house?" and the son answers "We studied for a test tomorrow" and then, the robot slaps him hard!"Okay, okay, we were watching a movie!". "A movie?" the father responds. "What was it?" "It was some type of Disney movie" the sons says and the robot slaps him again!"Okay... it was a sex flick!" the son confesses. "A sex flick?" the dad says. "When I was your age I didn't even know what that was" and then the robot slaps HIM!The mom, looking on all this, says laughingly:"He really is your son" and then, the robot slaps her!

[cruncher Pete]

The story is told of a lady who was rather old-fashioned, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language.She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground asking for a reservation.She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter.After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term BATHROOM COMMODE. But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again and rewrote the entire letter referring to the bathroom commode merely as the BC. "Does the campground have it's own BC?" is what she actually wrote.Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That BC business really stumped him.After worrying about it for awhile, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about he local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:Dear Madam:I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a BC is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.I admit it is quite a distance away, if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along and make a day of it.They usually arrive early and stay late. It is such a beautiful facility and the acoustics are marvelous. Even the normal delivery sounds can be heard.The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now a supper is planned to raise money to buy more seats.I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow old, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks.Remember, this is a friendly community.Sincerely,Campground Owner

[cruncher Pete]

A 92 year old man went to the doctor for his annual check-up.The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 92 year old said, "Things are great, and I've never felt better!""I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child.""What do you think about that, doc?"The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story."I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.""One day he was setting off to go hunting, but being a bit absent minded, he accidentally forgot to take his ammunition.""As he neared a lake, he came across a very nice beaver frolicking at the water's edge.""By now, he realized he had left his ammo at home, and so, he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.""Nonetheless, he lifted his favorite hunting rifle, aimed down the sites, and yelled 'bang bang'.""Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver was slain.""Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.Theelder man scatched his chin thoughtfully, then said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."The doctor nodded,"My thoughts exactly."

[cruncher Pete]

One afternoon, a man comes home early from work and finds his wife lying on the bed, puffing and panting. Concerned, he asks, "What are you doing?"Caught off guard, she stammers, "I... um... I think I'm having a heart attack!"Alarmed, the husband exclaims, "Oh no! I'll call an ambulance!" He rushes downstairs to dial 911, when he notices his young son Johnny crying."What's wrong, son?" the father asks.Through his tears, Johnny replies, "Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy."Furious, the man storms back upstairs, flings open the closet door, and sure enough, finds his brother standing there, completely naked.Outraged, the man yells, "You idiot, Jim! My wife is having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring Johnny!"

[cruncher Pete]

Three female co-workers were taking their lunch break outside at the provided picnic table when a meteorite struck them and they were at the Pearly Gates before they realized that they were dead and had gone to Heaven. St. Peter welcomed them and gave them a tour of Heaven. Ducks were everywhere and St. Peter gave the ducks a wide berth (he kept a distance away from the ducks). "Don't step on or kick a duck," St. Peter warned the three women.One of the women was rebellious and curious. She gently nudged the nearest duck with her foot. Immediately, a tiny dot appeared in the sky above the horizon. The tiny dot became larger and the three women could see that it was approaching them. As the distance decreased, the tiny dot was discerned to be two flying angels and they were transporting a person. As the flying angels got nearer, the three woman saw that the angels were transporting a man - a very ugly man. The angels alighted with their cargo. The angels had a silken rope, The angels used the silken rope to leash the ugly man to the woman who had nudged the duck with her foot. "You will spend the rest of eternity together," the angels announced and then the angels flew away. The woman burst into tears at the development. Her two friends abandoned her to her fate.The two women were playing with a Frisbee when one of them accidently kicked a duck Immediately, a tiny dot appeared in the sky - the flying angels were transporting a person. This man was uglier than the other man that the angels transported.The group of three co-workers has been reduced to a single individual. She was very careful to avoid the ducks. To her surprise, she saw a tiny dot appear in the sky. The flying angels were transporting a person. to her location. It was another man. But, as the man got nearer, she saw that he was a very handsome man. She was mute and speechless in shock (and gratitude) as the silken rope leashed her to the very handsome man. After the angels left, she asked the man, "What happened?"The man said, "I don't know. All I did was to kick a duck."

[cruncher Pete]

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and scored three ducks. He tossed them in the back of his pickup truck and was about to head home when he ran into a grumpy game warden who had a thing against hillbillies. The game warden asked the hillbilly for his hunting license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia hunting license. The game warden checked it out, then leaned over, picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck isn't from West Virginia. This is a Kentucky duck. You got a Kentucky hunting license, boy?" The hillbilly dug into his wallet and showed him a Kentucky hunting license.The game warden examined it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This isn't a Kentucky duck. This one's from Tennessee. You got a Tennessee license?" The hillbilly reached back into his wallet and pulled out a Tennessee license. The warden then picked up the third duck. "This one's from Virginia. You got a Virginia hunting license?"Once again, the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out a Virginia hunting license. The game warden was really frustrated by this point and yelled at the hillbilly, "Just where the hell are you from?"The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!" 😂

[cruncher Pete]

The world's richest man is dying. He's made peace with that. But what bothers him is no one in the afterlife will even know it.Here he's a self-made man who created this huge fortune from scratch,but he can't take it with him. Not that he could spend it,of course, but just to SHOW everyone what a great success the poor boy had become.He broods over this so that his guardian angel is worried. One night the angel flies to Heaven to consult Jesus. Jesus says "Well, you know earthly wealth has no place here"The angel replies "I know Lord, but he's been such a good man. Did a lot for charity ,ran his business honestly. He's only human. He can't help having this little quirk. Isn't there something we can do to ease his mind?Jesus thinks a moment. ""All right. Let's look him up in the Book of Life" The Book is like a film of this man's life and seeing his struggles , Jesus is moved.He tells the guardian angel "Wake him and tell him I will allow him to bring one suitcase-only one,mind you. And he can fill it with whatever wealth he chooses. At the moment he of his death it will be brought to heaven with him."The angel goes down and gives the message .The guy is happy but what should he bring? Our money would mean nothing to people from another time,jewels could be faked,stocks and bonds could not be traded so they'd be so much paper. Finally it dawn's on him . Gold. Gold has been valued throughout history.He sends out for the biggest suitcase he can find,fills it with gold bars,and sets it beside his bed. Now he can die in peace,and he does.True to the promise he arrives at the Pearly Gates,suitcase in hand. St.Peter greets him warmly and says "All right. Let's see what was so important to you that eternal life and bliss wasn't enough"The man proudly opens the suitcase,stuffed with row after row of little gold bars.St.Peter stares at it,puzzled, and says "You brought pavement?"

[cruncher Pete]

I have heard a few names throughout my life that were questionable. When I was in high school there was a girl named Locke Ann Keyes and her daddy was a locksmith. But the coup de grâce of all names I have heard someone name their child I was told by my MIL.She was a schoolteacher and towards the end of her career she became a homebound teacher. A lot of the students she dealt with were pregnant teen girls. My MIL is fluent in Spanish and often taught English to Spanish-speaking students. She taught other subjects too, but she quite a few students that the only subject she taught was English. Anyway, one of her Hispanic students gave birth and after coming home from the hospital my MIL went to her house for their session or whatever it was called. She proudly showed my MIL her baby and when my MIL asked her what she named the baby the teen explained that the hospital named the baby for her.My MIL completely confused asked what the baby's name was and the teen told her Female. She pronounced it "fee mall e" when they had brought the baby in after she was born it had that paper in the front that said female and the girl's last name. She thought the hospital named the baby. So that is what the young mother put on the baby's birth certificate.Can't imagine being that child and growing up with the name Female. My MIL said she often encountered odd names people had named their children, but that one in particular took the cake.

[cruncher Pete]

I got pulled over on the highway for going 7 mph over the speed limit. As the officer started walking up to my truck, I rolled my windows down.Suddenly, my adorable and apparently incredibly smart 7-year-old granddaughter started screaming from the backseat, "It's coming out!!!!!""I can't hold it any longer, Paw Paw!!!""It's almost here!!!!!!!! Paw Pawwww!!!"Now, the trooper is hearing her scream all of this, and he stands up on my brush guard, leans in the window, and asks her, "What's going on here??"She looks him dead in the face and says, "I've got poop coming outta my butt!!"The officer started laughing uncontrollably.I must have looked completely shocked and embarrassed. He asked how far I had to go, which was about 2 miles to my home. He told me to drive safely and get Miss Thang home to do her business. He just couldn't stop laughing.As soon as we pulled away, I asked, "What the hell was that about???"This kid smirked and said, "I saw it on YouTube, but I didn't think it would work."I asked, "So... you're not pooping?"She replied, "Nope, and you're not in trouble either."

[cruncher Pete]

One day, a guy rushed into a restaurant and took a seat. When the waitress came over, he said, "Hey, I'm in a bit of a hurry, could you please bring me a coffee and a menu?" The waitress quickly went off and came back shortly with the menu and his coffee.As he looked down, he noticed that her thumb was clearly in his coffee when she set it down. He gave her a frustrated look, pushed the menu back, and said, "Just bring me a bowl of soup, okay?"So, the waitress hurried off again and soon returned with his bowl of soup. But once again, he saw that her thumb was deep in his soup as she placed it down. Annoyed, he said, "Alright, what's up with the thumb?"The waitress replied, "Excuse me?""Excuse me? You better say excuse me! You bring my coffee, and your thumb's in it! You bring my soup, and your thumb's in that too! What's going on with your thumb?"She responded, "Well, I slammed my thumb in the door yesterday, and my doctor told me to keep it warm."The guy shot back, "Why don't you just stick it up your butt then?!"To which the waitress casually replied, "Well, I do that when I'm in the kitchen!"

[cruncher Pete]

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,"How much money do you make a week?"A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"The CEO said,"Wait right here."He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here s four weeks pay. Now GET OUT and don t come back."Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked,"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"From across the room a voice said,"Sure - he was the Pizza delivery guy from Domino s and was just waiting to collect the money!"

[cruncher Pete]

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:Dear Grand-daughter,The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from athrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper..Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost inthought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that thelight had changed.It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn'thonked, I'd never have noticed.I found that lots of people love Jesus!While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love ofGod!''Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!Everyone started honking!I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all thoseloving people.I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!;There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard himyelling something about a sunny beach.I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle fingerstuck up in the air.I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the windowand gave him the good luck sign right back.My grandson burst out laughing.Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment thatthey got out of their cars and started walking towards me.I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this iswhen I noticed the light had changed.So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove onthrough the intersection.I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersectionbefore the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leavethem after all the love we had shared.So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all theHawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lordfor such wonderful folks!!Will write again soon,Love,,,, grandma.. 😊

[cruncher Pete]

Four men are playing golf, when a funeral procession slowly drives past the golf course. One of the golfers stops, takes off his hat, and stands quietly until the procession passes.One of the other men says, "Bob sure is respectful!"Another replies, "He ought to be. They were married for 40 years."

[cruncher Pete]

A woman had terrible luck in the dating scene and was just about ready to give up when her friend said "Just put exactly what you want on your profile. There is bound to be one man who fits it!"So she writes in her profile Wanted "Man who doesnt run around on a woman, man who doesnt drink or smoke, and man who is a great lover."Months go by and she forgets all about it until her doorbell rings.She opens the door and lying on the mat is an armless and legless man.She says "What are you here for?"He says "Your ad"She say "What makes you qualified?"He says "I dont have legs, so I can't run around on you, I dont have arms, so I can't smoke or drink"She says "So what makes you a great lover?"He says "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

[cruncher Pete]

Frank goes to a store to buy a suit. He picks out one he likes, pays for it and puts it on.So he's walking down the street and sees one of his friends. "Joe! What do you think of my new suit?""It's nice, but one of the lapels is higher than the other. Here, do this..." Joe pulls down the left lapel and has Frank hold it with his right hand. "There you go, now it looks great."He sees another friend. "Mary! What do you think of my new suit?""It's nice, but the right sleeve is too short. Here, do this..." She pulls up the right sleeve and has him pinch it between his little finger and palm. "Now you look fantastic."He sees a third friend. "Albert? How do you like my new suit?""Well...the left side of the jacket hangs down lower than the right side." He positions Frank so he's leaned over to the right."Julie! What do you think of my new suit?""The left pants leg is way too short. So, take your left hand and pull up the right leg so they're the same length."Now Frank is walking - or, really, kinda hobbling - down the street when he passes by an old couple.The wife gasped and said to her husband, "what a horribly deformed man!"The husband said, "yeah, but his suit fits."