Humor

[cruncher Pete]

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?Well, most of the time, you get an onion with long, floppy ears. But, every once in a while, you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes

[cruncher Pete]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the pouf.Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face.A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.The father again looked and the dog and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!".A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing!Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled,"Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

[cruncher Pete]

A man walks into a bar and sits on stool. He is the only one in the bar, so he starts talking to the bartender. The bartender asks him what he does for a living and the man tells him that he's an inventor.The bartender says, " An inventor, huh? What have you invented? The man replies," l actually just invented something l think really might take off ". The bartender is curious and asks, " What is that?" The man pulls an apple out of his pocket, and hands it to the bartender. The bartender says, " That's an apple! You didn't invent that!"The man calmly says, " Take a bite ". The bartender takes a bite and is instantly surprised. He says, " That tastes like an orange!" The man says, That's right! But, turn it around a little and take another bite " The bartender turns the apple and takes another bite. He says, " That tastes like a pear!" The man says, " Exactly! That apple tastes like six different fruits when you turn it ".The bartender is impressed, but then says to the man, " If you had one of those that tasted like pu**y, you could make a fortune". The man says, " I do have one!" . He takes another apple out of his pocket and the bartender grabs it out of his hand and takes a big bite. Suddenly, he gets a horrible look on his face , and he spits the bite of apple on the floor. He's disgusted and says " Thzt tastes like shit! The man says, " Just turn it around".

[cruncher Pete]

A blonde is typing a dictated letter for her boss, a former military man. She turns to the secretary, sitting next to her and asks, how do you spell the word "colonel"?And the other secretary responds, "you mean like popcorn "kernel "?And the blonde responds "who's kernel popcorn?"

[cruncher Pete]

A Jew is walking on a beach. He stubs his toe. He looks around to see what tripped him. He sees something shiny in the sand and bent over and picks it up.He brushes off the sand to have a closer look and suddenly realizes it's an old style lamp from centuries ago. Suddenly, two beautiful genies pop out of the lamp.He could hardly believe it, and they assure him that he can have three wishes.later, to his surprise, when he comes home, he opens his door, and diamonds and rubies spill out onto his feet. He enters the living room and sees the most beautiful naked women he's ever seen. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door.Why, it's the genies! They take him by the hands, walk him to the nearest tree and they hang him by the neck until dead.Says one genie to the other: "I can understand why he would want an inexhaustive supply of wealth. They always ask for that. I can also easily understand why he would want beautiful women in his life, but why he'd wanna be hung like a schvartza is beyond me"

[cruncher Pete]

My mother had this old poodle. He was kind of like a cocoa colored. We called him uncle Coco .at least I did. He did some pretty funny things. My mother had this woman that was a friend of hers, but she kind of drove us nuts. I called her Lola bell. She was always drinking a little and telling us that her husband was pushing her down there steps. Anyways, uncle Coco did not like her, and every time she came to the house, he would grab her red coat, no matter where she put it and drag it back to the front door. Like saying time to leave. Lol. On Christmas We put little candy canes on our tree. The next morning, we forgot that the couch was so close he had taken at least half of all the candy canes off the tree, and they were on the floor. Some of them were half eaten.🤭 I was a teenager. Lola bell Was spending the night. she slept in my mother's room. about 2 AM in the morning, she comes running down the hallway breaks into my room with a broom yelling. Where is that dog? Where is that dog? I said I don't know.he's got my teeth. I said what? After thinking for a moment, I knew he likes to go underneath my bed. So I laid on my stomach and looked underneath . Believe or not there was uncle Coco with Lola bells , Teeth in his mouth perfectly like a person. I laughed so hard. I thought I was gonna crap my pants. She started to take the Broom under the bed,and he went running out the darn door down the hallway again After him. Her and my mom caught him and pulled the teeth out of his mouth. 😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬😬🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷🦷 Lola bell Spent at least an hour in the bathroom, scrubbing those teeth! This was over 50 years ago, and I still remember it. He was a funny little dog, and he lived to be a really old age. He was totally blind and everything by that time. all we had was Polaroids then wish I had a smart phone, like I have now. I'd still have that picture of him under the bed.🐶

[cruncher Pete]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital.One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end, sunk to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news.The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.The bad news is, "Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead". Mary replied, "I hung him there to dry."

[cruncher Pete]

Doctor calling with bad news
Doc: "Hi – I am sorry but I have bad news, and I have very bad news. Which one do you want first?"
Patient: "ok, give me the very bad news first"
Doc "We have received the latest test results and you have been diagnosed with [color=var(--mv-trellis-color-link,#4b4266)]Ligma[/color]. You only have 1 day to live"
Patient: "Just 1 day?! ... what's the bad news then???"
Doc: "I tried to call you yesterday, but you didn't pick up your phone"

[cruncher Pete]

One evening I was in a bar talking to my friend.
"Last night, while I was out drinking, a burglar broke into my house.."
"Did he get anything?" asked my friend.
"Yes," I said.
"A broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. My wife thought it was me coming home drunk!"

[Cruncher Pete]

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

[Cruncher Pete]

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."

[Cruncher Pete]

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

[Cruncher Pete]

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"

[Cruncher Pete]

A woman in her seventies called the police when she believed that her husband, also in his seventies, was dead. A detective showed up with a couple of uniformed cops and a medic team. When they arrived at the house, the woman was standing over her husband slightly in tears. He was lying on the carpeted floor in the living room with a wheel chair also lying on its side next to him. The medic immediately checked the old man's pulse and confirmed that he was dead.The detective, after examining the dead man's body, stood up and gently put his hand on the woman's shoulder. "Are you all right, ma'am?" "Yes," she whimpered, still in tears. "You think you can take some questions now?" The woman nodded, still looking as though she couldn't believe what had just happened. "Did he fall out of his wheelchair, ma'am?" the detective asked. "You might say that," she replied. "Is that how he died?" he asked. "Oh, no," she quickly replied. "Oh!" the detective exclaimed. "So you know how he died then? ""Yes," she said, "he took poison." The detective looked at the dead man's body again. "He took poison?", the detective asked surprisingly. "Then why are all these bruises on his body? Why does it look like he was knocked from his wheelchair?"The woman looked exasperated and again shook her teary head, "I'M SORRY, DETECTIVE. BUT HE DIDN'T WANT TO TAKE IT!"

[Cruncher Pete]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. "Mother, where do babies come from?" The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex." The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend. "Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?" "Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."