Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

My wife took the car to the mechanic because it wasn't running right..The mechanic said to her 'nowt wrong with your car love, just shit in the air filter''brilliant' says the wife 'and how often do i have to do that?'

[Cruncher Pete]

At the medical school, a professor turns to a student and asks,
"How many kidneys do we have?""Four!" the student replies . "Four?" the professor replied, arrogant, one of those who take pleasure in trampling on the mistakes of others. "Bring some grass, because we have a donkey in the room," the professor ordered his assistant. "And a coffee for me!" the student replied to the teacher's assistantThe professor became so angry that he expelled the student from the classroom. The student, however, was the humorist Aparicio Torelly Aporelly (1895-1971), known as the ' Baron of ltararé '. Upon leaving the classroom, the student again had the audacity to correct the furious professor: "You asked me how many kidneys we have? We have four kidneys: two of mine and two of his. 'We' is an expression used for the plural. Enjoy your meal, and let the grass be yours to enjoy."

[chooka03]

At the medical school, a professor turns to a student and asks,
"How many kidneys do we have?""Four!" the student replies . "Four?" the professor replied, arrogant, one of those who take pleasure in trampling on the mistakes of others. "Bring some grass, because we have a donkey in the room," the professor ordered his assistant. "And a coffee for me!" the student replied to the teacher's assistantThe professor became so angry that he expelled the student from the classroom. The student, however, was the humorist Aparicio Torelly Aporelly (1895-1971), known as the ' Baron of ltararé '. Upon leaving the classroom, the student again had the audacity to correct the furious professor: "You asked me how many kidneys we have? We have four kidneys: two of mine and two of his. 'We' is an expression used for the plural. Enjoy your meal, and let the grass be yours to enjoy."

Hahahaha! Thank you for sharing Pete 

[Cruncher Pete]

A little old lady went to buy cat food.She picked up three cans but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat food to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat."So the lady went home, brought in her cat, and was sold the cat food. . .The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog, and was sold the dog food. . .One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her.So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out, and exclaimed, "That smells like crap."The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy eight rolls of toilet paper."😂

[Cruncher Pete]

A man moved into a new house with his wife.In the morning, while they were both having breakfast, the wife looked out the window and saw her neighbor's clothes drying in the garden. She said in surprise:"Look, our neighbor's washed clothes are not clean at all! She probably doesn't know how to wash clothes properly."She repeated this comment every time the neighbor washed her clothes and hung them outside to dry.About a month passed, and one day the wife was surprised to see that the neighbor's washed clothes were shiny and spotless.She said happily: "Finally, our neighbor has learned to wash clothes properly!"The husband smiled and said: "No, this morning I cleaned the window through which you look outside!"Then he said gently:"We should clear our own eyes before we see the flaws in others, because most of the time the problem is in our own eyes, not in others."✦ Lesson: Correct your own mistakes, then find faults in others.

[Cruncher Pete]

A man was sitting on the plane next to a young woman, without further ado he began to talk about all the titles he had and his profound knowledge, the young woman only listened, but the man did not stop showing off all his knowledge.As the young lady didn't say anything, the man told her:-Let's chat.... I've heard that flights seem less long if you talk to the person next to you. The young lady who had just opened a book to start reading closed it slowly and said in a soft voice:-What would you like to talk about?-Well, I don't know... What about "nuclear physics"? he tells her in a mocking tone and showed him a big smile...-Well, that seems to be an interesting topic, but first let me ask you a question... A horse, a cow and a sheep eat the same thing: grass; But, why is the sheep's excrement like small pellets, the cow's is a paste and the horse's looks like a ball of dry grass?Why do you think that happens?The man, visibly surprised by the young woman's intelligence, thought about it for a moment and said:-Hmm... I have no idea.The young lady replied:-Do you really feel qualified to talk about nuclear physics, when you don't even know shit?

[Cruncher Pete]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?""No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[Cruncher Pete]

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a pub with their wives and all order tea.
The Englishman sweetly asks his wife, "Pass the honey, honey."
Inspired, the Scotsman turns to his wife saying, "Pass the sugar, sugar."
Not to be outdone, the Irishman glances at his wife and barks, "Pass the milk, you bloody cow!"

[Cruncher Pete]

A man was blissfully driving along the highway when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road.He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny but, unfortunately, the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.Thedriver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket.Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.A blonde woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong."I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk & pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.Miraculously the Easter Bunny came back to life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans & hopped on down the road! 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved & hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards & waved again!The man was astonished.He said to the blonde, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."







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[Cruncher Pete]

A Husband and Wife were fighting. The Husband said to the Wife, "When you die, I am going to engrave on your Headstone that you were a cold bitch ". The Wife turned around and said to him, "Well, when you die, I am going to engrave "He's finally Stiff" on your headstone"!Lol

[Cruncher Pete]

A traveling salesman texted his wife he'd be home the next evening. He arrived on time, only to find her in bed with another man. Clueless to deal with the situation, the aggrieved guy stormed to his father-in-law's house to give vent to his anguish before deciding on the next step."Calm down, son," the father-in-law said coolly. "There's got to be a reason. Let me look into it. Meanwhile, grab your favorite drink from the rack.""After some time, the old man returned, chuckling. "Didn't I tell you, she had a good excuse? SHE DIDN'T GET YOUR MESSAGE".

[Cruncher Pete]

An elderly Canadian gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane.At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag."You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously."Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."The Canadian said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it.""Impossible, Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"The Canadian senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look, then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Juno Beach on D Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

[Cruncher Pete]

At dawn the telephone rings."Hello, Senor Gene? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house.""Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?""Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died""My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition or the other one?""The champion sir.""Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?""From eating rotten meat.""Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?""Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses.""Dead horse? What dead horse?""The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart.""Are you insane? What water cart?""The one we used to put out the fire.""Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?""The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.""What the.....!!! But there's electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?""For the funeral.""WHAT DAMN FUNERAL?!""Your mother in law's. She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with one of your new golf clubs."THERE WAS A LONG SILENCE........"Ernesto if you broke that golf club you're fired!

[Cruncher Pete]

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?'' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

[Cruncher Pete]

Two old retired codgers happened to be seated next to each other at a resort pool in the Bahamas and started up a conversation. "What did you do and why did you retire?" Asked one of the other. "I was in the garment business and my factory burned down. The insurance company offered a good settlement so I figured I'd hang it up and retire. What about you?" The other man responded, "I have a very similar experience. I had a manufacturing operation that was flooded and the insurer offered me a good settlement so I took it." The first guy ponders this for a while and responds, "How do you start a flood?"