Humor

[cruncher Pete]

A pregnant woman was in a terrible car accident, and had to be put in an induced coma. When they wake her up from her coma, she looks down and realises that she is no longer pregnant."Oh now", she cries, "I've lost my baby!"The doctor reassures her, "It's alright, you gave birth to twins two months ago, & you have a very healthy son & daughter."The doctor goes on to explain, "Because you were still unconscious, we asked your brother to name your babies.""Oh no" the new mother replied, "my brother is an idiot - what names did he come up with?""Well, he named your daughter 'Denise'.""Oh, that's not so bad", she replied. "But what did he name my son?""De nephew!"

[cruncher Pete]

a man and woman turning up at the Gates of Heaven, having been killed in a traffic accident on the way to their wedding. They are told they are welcome. They ask St Peter if, given the circumstances, they could get married in Heaven. Peter isn't sure, but says just sit on that bench outside, and he'll go and ask the Boss.Three weeks later he comes back, smiling. " Yes, the Boss says he'll make an exception. We 've got a ceremony, a reception, everything planned for you."They look at each other. " Thanks, Peter, but while we've been sitting here for three weeks, we've started to realise that maybe we have some issues we hadn't thought about. Is it possible to get divorced in Heaven, if it doesn't work out?"Peter is exasperated. " Look, it's taken me three weeks to find a vicar up here. How long do you think it would take me to find a lawyer?"Another, on similar lines, I saw on Quora recently. God needs an engineer to sort out a couple of practical problems in Heaven, so he sends for one.Next day, an engineer arrives at the Pearly Gates. Peter looks in The Book of Life, but his name isn't there. " Sorry" he says. " You're not in the Book. You have to go Down Below."The man is disappointed, as he thought he had been saved, but goes down to Hell. Liking to keep busy, he sets to work, and soon the Air Con is working, the water problems are fixed, the roads are improved.After a while, God says to St Peter " I sent for an engineer recently, but he hasn't turned up. Any idea what's happened to him?"" Did you write him in the Book?" asks Peter. God smacks his forehead."No, I didn't! My fault - I'll sort this out." He goes down and knocks on the door of Hell. The Devil opens it."What?"" You've got my engineer here," says God. " I want him back."" Well, tough" says the Devil. "He's making himself very useful."" Well, I'll sue you," says God.The Devil smiles. " And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer, sunshine?"

[cruncher Pete]

A college wrestler was competing in the championship match for his conference. His coach tells him, "your opponent is undefeated. He has this hold that never fails. It's called the Double Pretzel Lock. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in the Double Pretzel Lock or you are done-for.The match is progressing and our hero is doing well. Just as his coach thinks he may have a chance there is a whirlwind of movement and our guy is tied up in the Double Pretzel Lock. The coach is bereft, knowing the match is lost.All of a sudden there is a blood-curdling scream and the two wrestles leap off the mat as if one. Our wrestler lands on his undefeated opponent, pins him and wins the match.There is pandemonium in the arena as he celebrates, high fiving his teammates and bending to catch his breath. His coach yells, "that's the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Unbelievable! How did you do that!?"Our guy says, "Coach, there I was, almost completely unable to move, all twisted up in the Double Pretzel Lock. I knew I was done and was about to give up when I saw this pair of testicles...so I bit them. Coach, you'll never know how high you can jump until you bite your own testicles."

[cruncher Pete]

A girl starts work at a pharmacy, and is under the guidance of an older woman, who shows her where everything is and how to take payments, etc. Then she goes out to the stock room but as she leaves, says "Oh, there's one other thing. We have a number of male customers who buy condoms, there are three different sizes. They are here in the drawer. So if someone comes in and asks for a 120, it's this size, the next size up is 140, and the biggest one we stock is a 180. Saves them asking for condoms if there's female customers in the shop and nobody gets embarrassed. All understood?""Yes" says the girl, and the woman goes off to the stock room. "Call me on the internal phone if there's any problems."All is going fine, customers being served, until a man walks in...goes up to the counter, and says "Four fifty"The girl is a bit shocked, remembering what she's been told. "Four fifty?""Yes, four fifty""Just a moment..." She picks up the phone, and calls the stock room."Everything OK?""Err yes, but this man's just come in and asked for four fifty""Is he really well-built?""Yes, kind of.""Is he carrying a bucket?""Yes, he is...""Pay him, it's the window cleaner."

[cruncher Pete]

An old man had owned a large farm for many years, with a pond at the edge of his property. The pond was perfect for swimming, so he arranged it nicely, adding picnic tables, horseshoes, and a few apple and peach trees.

One evening, the old farmer decided to take a walk to the pond, since it had been a while since he had been there. He took a large white bucket to collect some fruit on the long walk to the remote area.As he approached the pond, he heard voices laughing and shouting with joy. As he walked further, he saw that several young women were bathing naked in his pond.He made his presence known, and they all moved to the deep end. One of the girls shouted at him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"The old farmer frowned, "I didn't come here to watch you girls swim naked or get you out of the pond without your clothes on."Holding up his bucket, he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodile."Some old men can still think quickly.

[cruncher Pete]

An elderly man rear-ended a guy driving an expensive European sports car. Enraged, the guy hops out and confronts the old man. He yells,

"Look what you did to my car! You're going to give me $10,000 right now or I'm going to beat you to a pulp!""Oh my..." the old man said nervously. "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son." he said with hope. "He trains dolphins and he will know what to do.""Dolphins!" the other driver huffed, while rolling his eyes.The old man pulled out his phone, dialed his son, and just as his son answered, the irate man snatched the phone away from the old man."So, YOU'RE a dolphin trainer, huh?" The irate man yelled, "Well, your old man here just rear-ended my car and I need TEN GRAND right now, or I'm going to beat you AND your old man to a pulp!""I'll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.Exactly 10 minutes later, a Jeep pulls up and a guy hops out and proceeds to pulverize the bully, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road. When he finished, he walked over to his father and said,"For the last time dad, I train Seals... Navy Seals. NOT dolphins!"

[cruncher Pete]

Pat goes to confession and tells the priest
"I've had sex with a woman who is not my wife""What's the woman's name", asks the priest."Oh, I can't tell you that", says Pat."Well I can't give you penance if you don't tell me who it was.""Was it Mrs. Gilhooly"?"No, father, it wasn't.""Was it Mrs. Murphy"?"No, father, it wasn't ""Was it Mrs. Jones"?"No, father, it wasn't ""Well then Pat I can't give you penance ", says the priest.On the way out Pat meets Seamus."Well, Pat, did he give you penance?" asks Seamus."No, he didn't, but he gave me three good leads", says Pat.

[cruncher Pete]

[cruncher Pete]

A senior citizen drove his brand-new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. 👴🚗💨
A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership.Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left.Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more.Looking in his rearview mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring.He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.Suddenly he thought, What am I doing?I'm too old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."The old gentleman paused.Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.""Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper 😁

[cruncher Pete]

When God and the Devil were deciding which acts made you go to either heaven or hell they realized that people of certain professions had more chances to end up in one of the two places, so, they agreed that all engineers were to go to heaven and lawwers to hell.Then, one day, an engineer died and ended up in hell, and God called down to the Devil to send him to heaven as they had agreed to.- I don't think so - Said the Devil - The guy just fixed my jacuzzi and built me some air conditioner. I'm no longer boiling down here.- But - God said, getting increasedly frustrated by the Devil's nonchalance - We had a deal!- Yeah, I know, but this guy is cool. I'm going to keep him around.- You have to send him back to heaven inmediately!The Devil laughed on the phone - Or what?- I'll sue you!The Devil bursted out laughing - How do you intend to do that?! All the lawyers are here!

[cruncher Pete]

A man went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost? The man said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped! The priest said, Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box!The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!The man replied, Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!

[cruncher Pete]

A woman and her lover are having a bout in the bedroom when the woman hears a car door slam. Rushing over the window, she sees her husband getting out of the car and turns to her lover and says "Quick, hide in the cupboard!". The man obliges and waits there tentatively.A few minutes later the door to the cupboard opens and a small boy looks at the man. "Want to buy a teddy bear?" says the child."No!" says the man."If you don't buy my teddy bear I'll tell my dad you're here!" Says the child.The man begrudgingly gives the child $10 and the child retreats.5 minutes later, the child reappears with another teddy and the man pays another $10.Finally the husband goes back to work and the woman lets her lover out of the cupboard. Going to her son's room she sees him counting out his 'ill gotten' gains. Finding out what her son has done she chides him and sends him to the priest for confession.On entering the confessional the boy says "Forgive me father for I have sinned"To which the priest replies "Thank god, I thought you had come to sell me another teddy bear".

[cruncher Pete]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, "Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."The nun agreed...A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"The nun replied, "He went that way."After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria."The nun said, "I understand completely."The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Syria either."

[cruncher Pete]

Putin was traveling incognito in the Ukranian countryside and stopped to talk with a local farmer."How big is your land" asked Putin.Farmer responded proudly"From here to that big oak tree in the near distance is one side of my land. Same square distance all around."Farmer then asked Putin:"How big is your land?"Putin responded he "could get in his car all day and not reach the end of his land".Farmer replied,"I once had a car like that."

[cruncher Pete]

An immigrant to America is working as a pushcart vendor Things are going terribly for him so he is always on the lookout for something better . One day he hears that the local supermarket is looking for a new janitor. Thinking that steady income, less hours, and not waiting for non existent customers in the cold, heat and rain is a major step up, he applies for the job .He is about to wrap things up and take the job when the manager suddenly asks him "Do you know how to read and write in English?" He sadly says no and the offer is withdrawn.He goes back to his pushcart and somehow makes it big. His pushcart business turns into a large retail business. One day as a now wealthy business man he needs a loan to expand his business even further. He still can't read English so he takes someone along to read to him the loan documents. The loan officer says "If you made it so far without knowing how to read or write ,can you imagine where you would be if you did?""Sure" answer the wealthy businessman. "If I knew how to read and write I would be the janitor in the local supermarket!"