Humor

[cruncher Pete]

A copy pulls over an old lady driving very slowly on the highway...
...and sees three other old ladies in the car, all of whom are terrified.
Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving 35 miles per hour on the highway.
Old Lady: Well, that's because the speed limit is 35.
Cop: No, this is HIGHWAY 35. The speed limit is 65. By the way, why are these other three women looking so terrified?
Old Lady: Ohhh, that's because we just got off of highway 145.

[cruncher Pete]

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.''Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?''Yes, I do,' said Shawn.'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?''Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.''And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?''She just died and left me everything.'

[cruncher Pete]

An army is on the move. Marching, marching, marching, day after day in the hot sun. Hot, sweaty, no rest, day after day.The captain rounds them up to speak to them. "Today," he says, "is a special day! Today we're all going to change our underwear!"Huge cheer arises from the crowd."Okay," the captain says. He points. "You change with him. You change with him. You change with him . . . "

[cruncher Pete]

�An Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little maths test."Here is your first question." the boss said."Without using numbers, represent the number 9.""Without numbers?" The Irishman says. "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees."What's this?" the boss asks."Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9," says the Irishman."Fair enough," says the boss."Here's your second question.Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a little smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?""Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again but represent the number 100."The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,"Ere you go. One hundred."The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poops by each tree.So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

The Irishman became head of Qantas in Australia and recently retired after trashing the business and taking a monster payout!

[cruncher Pete]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were captured by hostile Indians. The Indians took them to their village, tied them up and put kindling at their feet. The Indians then go down to the river to drink whiskey. Tonto says to The Lone Ranger, "Ugh, Kimosabi, we're in trouble now".The Lone Ranger replies, "Nonsense my brave Indian companion."The Lone ranger whistles and his trusty horse, Silver, comes over, bends down and The Lone Ranger whispers in his ear. The horse rears up on his hind legs and gallops out of the village.Time goes by, It begins getting dark. The Indians run out of whiskey. They gather together their spires and torches and start walking back to where The Lone Ranger and Tonto are tied up.Tonto says to The Lone Ranger, "We're in heap big trouble now, Kimosabi."Just then, in the nick of time The Lone Ranger's horse Silver comes galloping into camp. He goes to where The Lone Ranger and Tonto are tied up. He has a naked girl on his back. The horse bends down and the naked girl tumbles off.The Lone Ranger says, "Stupid horse, I told him to go get a posse."

[cruncher Pete]

A new girl started working at the pharmacy. She had only been there for a few days when the pharmacist had to step out on an errand, when he got back he saw a man clutching a light pole with a face turning purple. "That man outside, was he just in here?" Asked the pharmacist. Yes the girl said. "What did he want?" "Something to stop him coughing ". "What did you give him???". "Extra strength laxative " said the girl. "To stop a cough? How will that stop a cough???""Well, look at him he wouldn't DARE COUGH!!!"

[cruncher Pete]

After many years of dreaming, saving, and planning, a married couple make a trip to the Holy Land, bringing the wife's mother along. While they are there, the mother dies. The wife being very distraught, the husband steps forward to make arrangements.At the U.S. Conciliate he is told, "Transporting the remains back the States is complicated and expensive. I'm afraid the whole process is going to cost about $50,000. However, there is an alternative. We can arrange to have your departed buried right here. As a curtesy to international relations, it can be done at no cost."The man thinks this through and says, "We'll take her back. Let's get going on the paperwork."The representative answered, "I don't think you understand. We can lay her to rest HERE, in the HOLY LAND, for FREE."The man answered, "What I understand is that 2,000 years ago you buried a man here, and three days later he came right back up again. I'm not taking the chance of that happening with my mother-in-law. Let's get going on the paperwork. I brought my own pen."

[cruncher Pete]

A man walks into a small curio shop in a backwater country, looking for interesting or unusual artifacts. He sees a bronze statue of a rat that catches his eye – it is oddly attractive, considering what it represents.

The man asks the shopkeeper how much he wants for the bronze rat and the shopkeeper said he could have it for ten dollars, or for a hundred dollars if he wanted the story that goes with it. The man gives the shopkeeper ten dollars and tells him that he can keep the story.

As the man walks down the street with his purchase, he hears a rustling behind him and turns to see a couple of rats following him. He picks up his pace and the rats do too, but now there are four of them. Soon he is running as fast as he can run and there are hundreds of rats gaining on him. About then he comes to a canal and clamors up a light pole, tossing the bronze rat into the canal as he climbs the pole. To his amazement the rats follow the bronze rat into the canal and they all drown.

Somewhat shaken, the man makes his way back to the curio shop. The shopkeeper smiles when the man comes in and says "Now I suppose you want the story".

The man says "No, I don't care about the story – I just wanted to see if you happened to have a bronze statue of a lawyer..."

[cruncher Pete]

The old lady handed her card to the bank teller and said, "I would like to withdraw $10."

The teller replied, "For withdrawals under $100, use the ATM."The old lady asked why...The teller, annoyed, handed her card back and said, "These are the rules. If you have no other requests, please go away. There is a line of customers behind you."The old lady was silent for a few seconds, then handed her card back to the teller and said, "Please help me withdraw all the money I have."The teller was stunned when he saw the balance in her account. He nodded, bent down and respectfully said, "You have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much money right now. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?"The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw right away.The cashier replied, "Any amount up to $3,000.""Well, then give me $3,000 now," the lady said.The cashier handed it over to her with kindness and respect.The old lady put $10 in her wallet and asked the cashier to deposit the remaining $2,990 into her account.The moral of this story is...Don't be hard on the elderly, they've spent a lifetime honing their skills.

[cruncher Pete]

Two pals, Jack and Lou, are sitting on a park bench, feeding the ducks and chatting about basketball. 🏀🦆
Jack suddenly asks, "Lou, do you think they play basketball up in Heaven?"Lou ponders for a second and says,"Let's make a deal. Whoever goes first will come back and let the other one know."They agree, and a few months later, Jack passes away.One afternoon, while Lou is at the park alone, he hears a whisper, "Lou... Lou..."Lou jumps, "Jack, is that you?"Jack's voice replies, "Yep, it's me."Lou excitedly asks, "So, do they play basketball in Heaven?"Jack says, "I've got good news and bad news."Lou grins, "Give me the good news!"Jack says, "The good news is, yeah, they've got basketball up here."Lou asks, "And the bad news?"Jack sighs, "You're starting as point guard tomorrow."

[cruncher Pete]

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut pulls up to his house in a fancy Porsche. Of course, his parents know he couldn't have earned enough from his after-school job to buy a car like that.

"Where did that car come from?" Mom and Dad shout in shock."I bought it today," the boy replies calmly."With what money, young man?" Mom asks. "We know how much a Porsche costs, and you can't afford one!""Well, it's used, and I got a good deal," the boy says. "It cost me $20.""Who would sell a car like that for $20?!""The lady down the street," the boy replies. "I don't know her name, she just moved in. She ordered a pizza, and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy her Porsche for $20."The parents rush to the new neighbor's house, ready to ask for an explanation. They find her quietly planting flowers in her yard."I'm the father of the boy you just sold a sports car to for $20," the father says. "I need an explanation!""Well," the woman replies, still working on her yard, "I got a call from my husband this morning. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but apparently he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and has no intention of coming back.""And what does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?" asks the boy's mother, confused.The new neighbor smiles, pauses for a moment, and replies, "Well, my husband asked me to sell him his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

[cruncher Pete]

One day, a guy ran into a restaurant and sat down. When the waitress approached his table, he said, "Look, I'm in a hurry. Bring me a coffee and a menu, please!"

The waitress quickly walked away and returned shortly with the menu and his cup of coffee. The man looked down and noticed that as she put the cup down, her thumb was visibly in his coffee. He gave her a dirty look and pushed the menu back, saying, "Just bring me some soup, okay?"The waitress walked away again and quickly returned with a bowl of soup for the customer, but as she put it down, he once again noticed that his thumb was deep in his soup. Seeing his finger out of place, he said brusquely, "Okay, what's up with that thumb?"The waitress replied, "Excuse me?""Excuse me? You should say excuse me! You bring me coffee and you have your thumb in my coffee! You bring me soup and you have your thumb in my soup! What's with that thumb?"To which the waitress replied, "Well, I crushed my thumb in the door yesterday and the doctor told me to keep it warm.""Why don't you stick it up your ass then?" the customer replied.And the waitress replied, "Well, I do that when I'm in the kitchen!"

[cruncher Pete]

A man has lead a very good life and God decides he's going to reward him. God goes to the man and says, " You have led an exemplary life and I am very pleased with you. I am going to give you one wish. Anything you want ".The man thinks for a few moments and says, "Well , l've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but l'm scared to death of flying. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii so l could drive there"?God says, " Wait a minute. That's a huge job. Do you have any idea how deep the water is? I'd have to make bridge supports from the bottom of the ocean to the surface. Frankly, that's a lot to ask."The man says, "yes it is. I'm sorry God. I don't know what l was thinking". God says, "Is there something else you want "? The man thinks about it and says, " Actually, there is something. I don't know what it is, and maybe it's just me, but l have a great deal of difficulty understanding women. If you could just tell me how women think, what they want, what makes them happy, l'd be extremely grateful".There's a long pause, then God asks, " When would you like that bridge to be finished being built "?

[cruncher Pete]

Bessie, an unmarried lady, goes to the doctor. She is nauseous and throwing up.Doctor, after examination: You are pregnant! Do you know who the father is?Bessie: Oh, it's probably Sam.A year later she is back in the doctor's office with same symptoms.Doctor: You are pregnant again. Who is the father this time?Bessie: Oh, it's Sam.Third year she is again at the doctor's office, same symptoms.Doctor : You are pregnant again. Don't tell me. It's Sam. Why don't you marry him already?Bessie, shrugs her shoulders: He don't appeal to me!

[cruncher Pete]

An old man was eating at a diner when three menacing-looking bikers entered.

The first biker, passing by the old man, put out his cigarette in his pie and then laughed, sitting down at the counter. The second took the man's glass of milk and spat in it. The third tipped his plate over before joining the others.Without saying a word to the bikers, the old man left his money on the table, got up and left. One of the bikers, laughing, said to the waitress, "He wasn't much of a man, was he?"The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either. He just crushed three motorcycles with his truck!"