Humor

[cruncher Pete]

"A man and a woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything.
They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.For all these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick, and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out theiraffairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and brought it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time for him to know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.He asked her about the contents."When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."The little old man was so moved he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness."Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all this money? Where did it come from?""Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls.""

[cruncher Pete]

Retail shelf stacker sees his boss pull into the car park in a brand new Porsche. "Nice car" he comments.Boss tells him "If you work all the hours overtime that you can, don't take any holiday or sick time and be the most productive employee that we have, next year I'll be able to buy another one"

[cruncher Pete]

A man was at the Metropolitan Museum of Art fashion night and spotted an elderly woman, very thin and wearing a ginormous diamond pendant around her neck. The man was so intrigued with the gem that he walked over to the elderly woman and complimented her on her beautiful possession: "Excuse me, madam," he said, "That is the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen." The woman replied: "Thank you! It's the Kolpman Diamond. But it comes with a curse!" The man is intrigued and asks, "A curse? What is the curse?" She replied, "Mr. Klopman."

[cruncher Pete]

"An old man was eating in a truck stop when three rough-looking bikers walked in.
As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter.The second biker picked up the old man's milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man's plate before joining the others at the counter.Without saying a word to the laughing bikers, the old man put his money down, got up, and left the diner. One of the bikers said to the waitress, "Not much of a man, was he?"The waitress replied," Not much of a truck driver either. He just backed his big rig over three motorcycles!""

[cruncher Pete]

Not me, but my grandfather. He was summonsed to the doctors surgery for a check up, and to see the new doctor. He was eighty five. The doctor looked him over and asked him if he smoked and drunk. My grandfather said yes he did. The doctor tutted and said " Didn't your previous doctor advise you, that you should give up smoking and drinking? His reply was yes the previous doctor did. The doctor then went through grandads diet and amount of exercise he got. Eventually the doctor said exasperated, " It would appear that you have ignored all of the medical given to you. Can you tell me anything at all, that you have done to improve your health?" My grandads reply was. " well yes. I have outlived my previous two doctors"

[cruncher Pete]

The manager hired a new secretary.She was young, sweet and polite.One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"He did not understand her remark, but later on, he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open.He decided to have some fun with his new employee.Calling her in, he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?"The secretary, who was quite witty, replied,"Why, no sir. All I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!"

[cruncher Pete]

One day, little Timmy was at school and heard the word "sh*t".He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him "Coats and jackets".Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word "f*cking", and for a second time, asked his father what it meant.His father promptly said "Cooking".Then, he returned to school on the third day and heard the words "b*tches and hoes".He went home and his father told him it meant "grandpa and grandma".Later on Thanksgiving night, his grandparents came over.Timmy answered the door with glee and said:"Hey, b*tches and hoes! I'll take your sh*t to the closet 'cause dad's in the kitchen fu*king the turkey!"

[cruncher Pete]

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident.The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.St. Peter said,"I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?"What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled."Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven.""Great!" said the couple."But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground."What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple."OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted."It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?!

[cruncher Pete]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this : When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned.Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident", I just lost it."CASE DISMISSED !!"

[cruncher Pete]

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.Naturally, his parents know that there's no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car."Where did you get that car?" his mom and dad screamed in shock."I bought it today," replied the teen calmly."With what money young man?" his mom demands. "We know how much a Porsche costs and you cannot afford it!""Well, it's used and I got a good deal," says the boy, "This one cost me 20 dollars.""Who on earth would sell a car like that for 20 dollars?!""The woman up the street," the boy replies. "I don't know her name–she just moved in. She ordered a pizza and when I delivered it to her, she asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for 20 dollars."The boy's dad and mom hurry over to their new neighbor's house, ready to demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting flowers in her front yard."I'm the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $20," the dad says. "I need an explanation from you!""Well," the woman says, not looking up from her garden. "This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip in Florida, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back.""What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $20?" The boy's mom asks, utterly perplexed.The new neighbor smiles very big, and pauses for a minute. "Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money."So I did."

[cruncher Pete]

A young couple moved into a new house.The next morning while they were eating breakfast, the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the washing outside."That laundry is not very clean; she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better soap powder.Her husband looked on, remaining silent.Every time her neighbor hung her washing out to dry, the young woman made the same comments.A month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband, "Look, she's finally learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this?"The husband replied, "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows."And so it is with life... What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.So don't be too quick to judge others, especially if your perspective of life is clouded by anger, jealousy, negativity or unfulfilled desires."Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."

[cruncher Pete]

A rich young woman sat beside a poor elderly man on a plane. She alerted the flight attendant upon taking her seat.The flight attendant answered warmly, when the woman abruptly said, "Please find me another seat immediately." The flight attendant responded, "I'm sorry Ma'am, but the economy cabin is fully booked."The rich woman replied, "But I'm not going to travel beside a worthless bum. Do something."While the elderly man stared in disbelief, the flight attendant responded,"I'll talk to the Captain about this."The flight attendant went to the Captain and asked, "Captain, a woman feels uncomfortable sitting beside a poor elder man. What should we do?"Surprisingly, the Captain's face changed. He looked amused and said, "This woman is interesting. I've never encountered an issue like this before. I have a plan. Listen.."And the Captain relayed to the flight attendant what he wants to do. The flight attendant was stunned at his plan. In fact, she was amazed.A few minutes later, the flight attendant returned. "The Captain said we could use an open seat in First Class. He also wants to apologize for having to travel with such a terrible person."As the woman rose out of her seat, the flight attendant reached out her arm towards the poor elderly man. "Sir will you please follow me?" To which the plane applauded.Never look down on other people. We are all equal in God's sight. Regardless of what you have achieved in life, stay humble. Keep your feet on the ground. The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot.

[cruncher Pete]

Mary was late for school and the principal asked her why.She explained: "I had to take our cow to our neighbors so that the bull could get her pregnant."The principal said:"Couldn't your father do that?"
Mary replied: "I suppose he could, but I think the bull has had more experience."

[cruncher Pete]

Two best friends finish high school and move on to separate colleges. Initially they try very hard to keep in contact. But life events make that harder and harder over the years and they loose contact. Twenty years later there is a high school reunion and both men now have a chance to meet and catch up.Friend #1: After high school I went on to receive a bachelor's degree in Mechanical Engineering. Then I moved on to receive a Masters and then Doctorates in Metallurgy. I am working for a company that develops armor plating for military vehicles. But I have to say it is a frustrating job. Every time I come up with a new armor that will stop any known weapon, some A-hole engineer out there comes up with a new weapon that burns through my armor. I have no choice but to start again.Friend #2: Very interesting I have to say, and I feel your frustration. After high school I double majored in Chemical and Mechanical Engineering. I Mastered in both and went on to receive my Doctorate in Chemical Engineering. I started working for a company that develops ordinance that can defeat all known armor plating. Every time I come up with a formula and delivery system that does the job. Some A-hole engineer out there would come up with a new armor, and I would have to start again.I guess we are the A-holes.

[cruncher Pete]

An old lady went to her bank, handed her bank card to the teller, and said "I would like to withdraw €10".The teller replied: "For withdrawals under €100, please use the ATM". The old lady wanted to know why... The teller gave her back her bank card and said in an irritated tone: "These are the rules, please leave if you have nothing more to do. There is a line of customers waiting behind you".The old lady remained silent for a few seconds, gave the teller her card back and said "I would like to withdraw all the money in my account".She then checked the old lady's account balance. She nodded, leaned over and said respectfully "You have €300,000 in your account but the bank does not have that much liquidity at the moment. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?"The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller said she could withdraw any amount up to $3,000."Well I would like to withdraw $3,000 please".The teller kindly handed her $3,000, with a friendly smile. The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2,990 into her account.The moral of the story is: Never underestimate old people, they have spent a lifetime learning.