Humor

[cruncher Pete]

A guy comes home to find his mother-in-law unconcious on the kitchen floor.He calls the EMTs and they take her to the hospital's emergency room.After following the ambulance and navigating to the ER waiting room he sits down to await news.Finally a doctor comes out to update him and says that he has bad news and good news and which would he prefer to hear first.The guy thinks for a moment and replies "The bad news".The ER doc replies:

• "Your mother-in-law has had a massive stroke.
• She is clinically still alive but cannot speak - she can only make quacking sounds like a duck.
• She also cannot eat and has no bowel or bladder control.
• She may live another 20 years, but during that time you will have to feed her strsined baby food, wash her, and change her disper several times a day."

"Oh my god, the guy says, what"s the good news?"The doc says "The good news is........... I was just kidding about that other stuff: she's dead."

[cruncher Pete]

I picked up this female hitchhiker in her thirty's dressed in army fatigues along the local highway, after traveling a couple miles she mentioned she had been waiting along time for a ride ,then stated, " People probably think I'm some sort of killer dressed like this," then she looked at me and asked, " What I would say if she confessed to being a Mass Murderer."Without missing a beat I looked back at her and said, " Do you have any idea what the odds are of having two Mass Murderers in the same pick up truck at the same time? "The ice was shattered. Cheers

[cruncher Pete]

1950's Britain, on the parade ground of an army camp full of national service recruits. The Sergeant is not known for his diplomacy and constantly screams at the recruits. At the end of one parade, just before giving the order to fall out he shouts out "Private Brown, your mother has died. Fall out!" Private Brown simply collapses in shock.The Captain hears this and shakes his head in disbelief. Calling for the Sergeant he tells him to be more tactful. "Private Brown is in shock, you should have told him gently. I don't ever want to see this happen again". "Yes sir" replies the sergeant.A week later the Captain gets a message informing him of the death of Private Smith's mother. "Remember Sergeant, tact and compassion". "Yes sir" replies the sergeant.On the parade ground, just before fall out, he barks out "all those with mothers take two steps forward. Private Smith, where the hell do you think you're going!"

[cruncher Pete]

A father passing by his son's bedroomNoticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.Love, your son, JoshP.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home

[cruncher Pete]

A man is at the world cup and notices the seat next to him is empty. He asks the guy in the next seat if it is his. He says yes and tells him he and his wife had the same 2 seats every year for the past 15 but unfortunately she'd died and he'd keep the extra seat in her memory.
The man asks him if he didn't have any friends or relatives that could've used the seat. He replies 'No they're all at the funeral'

[cruncher Pete]

"One morning a husband returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says," Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing"?"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious"?)"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her."I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading.""Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to write you up a ticket.""For reading a book"? she replies."You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her again."But officer, I'm not fishing, I'm reading.""Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to write you up a ticket and you'll have to pay a fine.""If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman."But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden."That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.""Have a nice day ma'am," and he immediately departed.MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.Sure, God created man before woman. But then you always make a rough draft before the final masterpiece!!"

[cruncher Pete]

A man finds a wallet with $7000 in it.A few days later, he reads a notice stating that a wealthy man has lost his wallet and is offering a $500 reward to anyone who returns it.He soon locates the owner and gives him the wallet, and the rich man counts the money and says, "I see you have already taken your reward." The poor man responds,"What are you talking about?" The wealthy man continues, "This wallet had $7500 in it when I lost it."The poor man replied "I am sorry sir but when I found it up it only had $7,000"The two men began arguing, and eventually they end up in court to sort out their differences. Both men present their case, the poor man first, then the wealthy man who concludes by saying,"Your Honor, I trust you believe me."The Judge says, "Of course." The rich man smiles, and the poor man is devastated.Then the Judge takes the wallet out of the wealthy man's hands and gives it to the poor man who found it."What are you doing?" the rich man yells angrily. The Judge responds,"You are, of course, an honest man, and if you say that your missing wallet had $7500 in it, I'm sure it did – but if the man who found this wallet is a liar and a thief, he wouldn't have returned it at all, which means that this wallet must belong to somebody else. If that man steps forward, he'll get the money – otherwise, it stays with the man who found it.""What about my money?" the rich man asks."Well, we'll just have to wait until somebody finds your wallet with the $7500 in it.

[cruncher Pete]

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned.The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad.You better roll him over."The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."The mortician thinks this is strange.Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body.Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes.""What? He had two assholes?!" exclaims the mortician."Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.'"

[cruncher Pete]

A new camp commander was appointed and while inspecting the place, he saw 2 soldiers guarding a bench.He went over there and asked them why they guard it."We don't know. The last commander told us to do so, and so we did. It is some sort of regimental tradition!"He searched for the last commander's phone number and called him to ask him why did he want guards on this particular bench."I don't know. The previous commander had guards, and I kept the tradition."Going back another 3 commanders, he found a new 100-year-old retired General."Excuse me, sir. I'm now the CO of the camp you commanded 60 years ago. I've found 2 men assigned to guard a bench. Could you please tell me more about the bench?""What?! Is the paint still wet?!"

[cruncher Pete]

King Charles goes on a political goodwill visit to Iran. After being met at the airport by an Iranian diplomat, he's taken off to a fancy hotel.As they walk in, King Charles says in his incredibly upper-class accent to the Iranian diplomat, "Could you show me to the shah, please?"The diplomat doesn't know what to say for a moment, wondering if this is the "British surrealist humour" he's heard Charles enjoys.In the end, he just hesitantly says "We don't have a Shah anymore, sir. We got rid of the Shah years ago.""Oh." says King Charles. "In that case, I'll just have a bath..."

[cruncher Pete]

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.The priest nearly had an accident.After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"The priest removed his hand.But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

[cruncher Pete]

A backpacking tourist is hitchhiking somewhere in Italy on a winding mountain narrow road. A very old Italian farmer in an old beaten truck, laden over the top with hay, gives him a ride. The driver "steps on it" to the top speed of his vehicle. The young guy sees a sharp curve ahead and warns the old man"Grandpa, be careful, sharp curve ahead""Don't worry, 55 years on this road twice a day, have confidence", the car comes out of the turn with tires screeching. The next coming curve is even sharper."Grandpa, careful, sharper curve ahead" "Don't worry, 55 years on this road twice a day, have confidence", the car comes out of the turn with two tires hardly touching the ground.This repeats several more times with the young guy screaming louder and louder warnings and the old farmer stoically repeats his "55 years on this road" piece...Finally at the next sharp turn the truck overturns. Both are able to get out of the wrack unharmed and the young guy says"Grandpa I tried to warn you""Shit" comes the answer "55 years on this road, twice a day, and every day I overturn exactly at the same spot..."

[cruncher Pete]

A man and his wife are visiting the doctor for a check up, doc comes in and says "congratulations, you're pregnant!"The husband, confused, inquires, "how can that be possible? I had a vasectomy years ago"Doc turns to the husband and says, "let me tell you a story. A man walks through the woods and encounters a cougar. Afraid and unarmed, he raises his fingers in the shape of a gun and yells 'BANG'. The cougar drops dead"The husband, puzzled, states, "well that isn't possible, someone else must have shot it.""Exactly," says doc.

[cruncher Pete]

The mother of a friend of mine was in hospital with a gynacological problem. She was in her bed when her surgeon was doing his rounds with a group of young student doctors. He explaned her operation and asked her if she would allow his students to view the after effects of the op. She consented and he started to show them, using a torch to better see the results. She grinned up at him and said.."What is this? 'Fanny by Gaslight'. (BTW 'Fanny by Gaslight' is a 1940 novel by by the English author Michael Sadleir)

[cruncher Pete]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, "Luther, what exactly is your problem?"Luther answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!"Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Luther to the principal's office. While he waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.Luther was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"Luther: "9."Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"Luther: "36."And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "Y'know, I reckon Luther can go to the 3rd grade."But Ms. Brooks is still sceptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, "Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions."The principal and Luther both agree.Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"Luther, after a moment: "Legs."Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!Luther replied: "Pockets." to the Principal's great relief.....Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Luther: "Pants."By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Luther replied, "Bubble gum."Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and adog does on three legs?"Luther: "Shake hands."The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?"Luther: "Firetruck."The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, "Put the little bastard in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself."