Humor

[cruncher Pete]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, gripping the wall, he slowly makes it to the kitchen.There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones.Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?Mustering one great final effort, he threw himselftowards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon......'F*** off' she said, 'they're for the funeral

[cruncher Pete]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!" And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration.." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." lol

[cruncher Pete]

A nun gets out of bed gets dressed and walks down the Corridor.Another nun walks towards her and says "Sister Mary. You got out the wrong side of bed this morning!"Sister Mary responded "I most certainly did not!!!"She walks into the dining room and another nun says to her "Sister Mary, I think you got out the wrong side of bed this morning."Sister Mary little bit upset shouts back "I have not got out the wrong side of bed"Sister Mary storms off to pray as she walks into the chapel Mother Superior sees her"Sister Mary", she says "you appear to have have gotten out of the wrong side of bed this morning".Sister Mary responds In tears "No Mother Superior I have not"The Mother Superior says, "why then Mary are you are wearing the bishops slippers...."

[cruncher Pete]

A jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at a very big company.The employer interviewed him, then a test: clean the floor."You are hired." – the employer said. "Give me your email address, and I'll send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start."The man replied, "I don't have a computer, neither an email.""I'm sorry," said the employer, "if you don't have an email that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."The man left with no hope. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 USD in his pocket.He then decided to go to the supermarket, bought a 10kg tomato crate, then sold the tomatoes door to door. In less than two hours, he succeeded and doubled his capital.He repeated the operation 3 times and returned home with $60 USD. The man realized that he could survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and returned late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.Five years later, the man's company was one of the biggest food retailers. He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.He called an insurance broker and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied: "I don't have an email."The broker replied curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Do you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?"The man paused for a while, and replied: "An office boy!"

[cruncher Pete]

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby.Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnny. Johnny said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?''Yes', the mother replied, 'We are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have perfect vision.''That's great', said Little Johnny, 'coz he'd be fornicateed if he needed glasses'.

[cruncher Pete]

A guy goes to a tattoo parlour and asks to have his girlfriends name on his dong. The tattooist is a lovely woman and he's got a bone on as she tattoos Wendy. Later he's having a leak in a public toilet and all that's visible is the w and y. He glances at the guy next to him who also has w and y on his dong. The first guy asks whether he has a girlfriend called Wendy ? The other guy says no I work for an airline. It says, 'welcome to America, have a nice day'.

[cruncher Pete]

A man is in his garden enjoying a cup of tea when he notices his seven-year-old neighbour digging in her garden.''Hello, love. What you doin' there then?""I'm burying my goldfish.""Oh, that's a shame. Still, it's only a goldfish isn't it I s'pose. But why are you digging such a big hole?""Because it's inside your fornicateing cat."

[cruncher Pete]

A police officer is sitting in his car, writing a report. He sees a little girl with a blue wagon coming toward him. There are three dogs hitched to the wagon and she has cardboard signs that say POLICE on both sides.He looks at her and says, "That's a nice police car you have." She says, "Thank you, sir." Just then, he notices that she has the ropes to the two outside dogs attached to their collars, but the middle dog has the rope tied around its testicles.He says, "You know, if you tied that rope to the middle dog's collar, you could go faster."She says, "Probably, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

[cruncher Pete]

A man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks to start with.
First is to clear the exotic fish pond of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who is boss he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, since lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them in with the lions.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?" The old lion says "Absolutely brilliant.
Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

[cruncher Pete]

A nun and priests are golfing. The nun hits the ball and it goes straight down the fairway, the priest hits of all and it hooks to the left. The priest says "Goddammit...I missed!". The nun says "Father, do not say that for God will truly strike you dead!". They finish the first hole.On the second hole, the nun hits the ball and it lands on the green. The priest hits the ball and it lands in the sand trap. The priest says "Goddammit...I missed!". The nun says"Father, do not say that for God will surely strike you dead!". They finish the second hole.On the third hole the nun hits a ball...and it's a hole in one! The priest hits the ball...and it lands in the water trap! The priest says "Goddammit...I missed!".All of a sudden a huge cloud forms, a door opens in the cloud, and a lightning bolt shoots down and strikes the nun dead! The priest is stunned...he looks up in the cloud and hears......"Goddammit...I Missed!!!".

[cruncher Pete]

A lady goes into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looks straight into his eyes, and says
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asks, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."The pharmacists eyes get big and he exclaims: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!"The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband, naked in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looks at the picture and replies: "Okay, I see you have a valid drug prescription ..."

[cruncher Pete]

A guy has been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day a plane spots him and they send a boat to rescue him. The boat pulls into the cove, the guy hops on board, and the boat heads back out to see.On the way out of the cove, the captain says to the guy, "Hey, I see three buildings near the beach. Why three buildings? What are they for?"The guy says, "Well, the one in the center is my home."The captain then says, "Well, what about the building on the right?"The guy says, "That's my church."The captain replies again, "Well, what about the building on the left?"The guy says, "Oh, that's the church I used to go to."

[cruncher Pete]

Mr Smith who is 95 goes to the doctor for his annual check up. The doctor suggests that he get exercise. He tells the doctor that he likes to play golf. But because of his eyes, he can no longer see where he hits the ball. The doctor suggests he get in touch with Mr. Jones who is also 95. He tells him, " Mr. Jones has the eyes of an eagle. He can see for miles and miles." So Mr. Smith gets in touch with Mr. Jones and makes an appointment to play golf. When they get to the golf course, Mr. Smith gets up to the tee and asks Mr. Jones if he will watch the ball to see where it goes. He asks " Are you sure you can see where I will hit my ball?" Mr. Jones replies, "Of course I can see where you hit the ball. I have the eyes of an eagle. I can see for miles and miles." Mr Smith hits the ball. He asks Mr. Jones if he saw where he hit the ball. Mr. Jones says, "Of course I saw where you hit the ball. I told you I have the eyes of an eagle. I can see for miles and miles. Mr. Smith then asks, " Where is my golf ball? Mr. Jones replies, "I forgot."

[cruncher Pete]

An old woman goes to her doctor, and explains that she's been experiencing a lot of flatulence lately. She says that they make no sound, and they don't smell, but it's embarrassing! In fact, Doctor, I've farted four or five times while sitting here, and I'm sure you can't tell, but I can! Please do something about this!The doctor gives her some pills to take, and tells her to come back in a week.She comes back in a week, and she's furious. Doctor, she says, what on Earth was in those pills?!? I'm farting as much as ever, and they still don't make noise, but now they smell awful!!The doctor calmly replies: now that we've cleared out your sinuses, let's see if we can do something about your hearing...

[cruncher Pete]

The postman comes to the door to deliver the day's mail.The woman meets the postman at the door and he says, "After 25 years, I'm retiring today. This is my last delivery."The woman says, "I know, I've got a few gifts for you. Please come in."When he comes in, she takes him to the kitchen where he sees a full table of bacon, eggs, pancakes, fresh coffee and danish. He has the best breakfast he's ever had.After breakfast, she takes him to her bedroom and they have mad, passionate sex.Afterwards, she hands him a $20 bill.He's astonished and says, "This has been the best morning of my life but why all of this for me?"She says, "I asked my husband what I should do for your last day and he said, fornicate the postman, give him $20. The breakfast was my idea!"