Humor

[cruncher Pete]

A man is in his garden enjoying a cup of tea when he notices his seven-year-old neighbour digging in her garden.''Hello, love. What you doin' there then?""I'm burying my goldfish.""Oh, that's a shame. Still, it's only a goldfish isn't it I s'pose. But why are you digging such a big hole?""Because it's inside your fornicateing cat."

[cruncher Pete]

A police officer is sitting in his car, writing a report. He sees a little girl with a blue wagon coming toward him. There are three dogs hitched to the wagon and she has cardboard signs that say POLICE on both sides.He looks at her and says, "That's a nice police car you have." She says, "Thank you, sir." Just then, he notices that she has the ropes to the two outside dogs attached to their collars, but the middle dog has the rope tied around its testicles.He says, "You know, if you tied that rope to the middle dog's collar, you could go faster."She says, "Probably, but then I wouldn't have a siren.

[cruncher Pete]

A man starts a new job at the zoo and is given three tasks to start with.
First is to clear the exotic fish pond of weeds. As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who is boss he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased, he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, since lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them in with the lions.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says, "What's the food like here?" The old lion says "Absolutely brilliant.
Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

[cruncher Pete]

A nun and priests are golfing. The nun hits the ball and it goes straight down the fairway, the priest hits of all and it hooks to the left. The priest says "Goddammit...I missed!". The nun says "Father, do not say that for God will truly strike you dead!". They finish the first hole.On the second hole, the nun hits the ball and it lands on the green. The priest hits the ball and it lands in the sand trap. The priest says "Goddammit...I missed!". The nun says"Father, do not say that for God will surely strike you dead!". They finish the second hole.On the third hole the nun hits a ball...and it's a hole in one! The priest hits the ball...and it lands in the water trap! The priest says "Goddammit...I missed!".All of a sudden a huge cloud forms, a door opens in the cloud, and a lightning bolt shoots down and strikes the nun dead! The priest is stunned...he looks up in the cloud and hears......"Goddammit...I Missed!!!".

[cruncher Pete]

A lady goes into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looks straight into his eyes, and says
"I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asks, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."The pharmacists eyes get big and he exclaims: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!"The lady reaches into her purse and pulls out a picture of her husband, naked in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looks at the picture and replies: "Okay, I see you have a valid drug prescription ..."

[cruncher Pete]

A guy has been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day a plane spots him and they send a boat to rescue him. The boat pulls into the cove, the guy hops on board, and the boat heads back out to see.On the way out of the cove, the captain says to the guy, "Hey, I see three buildings near the beach. Why three buildings? What are they for?"The guy says, "Well, the one in the center is my home."The captain then says, "Well, what about the building on the right?"The guy says, "That's my church."The captain replies again, "Well, what about the building on the left?"The guy says, "Oh, that's the church I used to go to."

[cruncher Pete]

Mr Smith who is 95 goes to the doctor for his annual check up. The doctor suggests that he get exercise. He tells the doctor that he likes to play golf. But because of his eyes, he can no longer see where he hits the ball. The doctor suggests he get in touch with Mr. Jones who is also 95. He tells him, " Mr. Jones has the eyes of an eagle. He can see for miles and miles." So Mr. Smith gets in touch with Mr. Jones and makes an appointment to play golf. When they get to the golf course, Mr. Smith gets up to the tee and asks Mr. Jones if he will watch the ball to see where it goes. He asks " Are you sure you can see where I will hit my ball?" Mr. Jones replies, "Of course I can see where you hit the ball. I have the eyes of an eagle. I can see for miles and miles." Mr Smith hits the ball. He asks Mr. Jones if he saw where he hit the ball. Mr. Jones says, "Of course I saw where you hit the ball. I told you I have the eyes of an eagle. I can see for miles and miles. Mr. Smith then asks, " Where is my golf ball? Mr. Jones replies, "I forgot."

[cruncher Pete]

An old woman goes to her doctor, and explains that she's been experiencing a lot of flatulence lately. She says that they make no sound, and they don't smell, but it's embarrassing! In fact, Doctor, I've farted four or five times while sitting here, and I'm sure you can't tell, but I can! Please do something about this!The doctor gives her some pills to take, and tells her to come back in a week.She comes back in a week, and she's furious. Doctor, she says, what on Earth was in those pills?!? I'm farting as much as ever, and they still don't make noise, but now they smell awful!!The doctor calmly replies: now that we've cleared out your sinuses, let's see if we can do something about your hearing...

[cruncher Pete]

The postman comes to the door to deliver the day's mail.The woman meets the postman at the door and he says, "After 25 years, I'm retiring today. This is my last delivery."The woman says, "I know, I've got a few gifts for you. Please come in."When he comes in, she takes him to the kitchen where he sees a full table of bacon, eggs, pancakes, fresh coffee and danish. He has the best breakfast he's ever had.After breakfast, she takes him to her bedroom and they have mad, passionate sex.Afterwards, she hands him a $20 bill.He's astonished and says, "This has been the best morning of my life but why all of this for me?"She says, "I asked my husband what I should do for your last day and he said, fornicate the postman, give him $20. The breakfast was my idea!"

[cruncher Pete]

A Yorkshire girl was leaving home to work in London. Her mum warned her about southerners and how they always try to rip off northerners. "They will try to charge you twice what something is worth so always pay half price!"On her first Saturday off she decided to have a look around the famous Camden market. As she looked around she sees a nice dress, " How much for the dress?" she asked. "£60" was the reply. " I'll give you £30" and a lengthy negotiation began. Eventually the trader reluctantly agreed to £30 "I'll give you £15!" Says our Yorkshire lass, and a more heated discussion takes place. " Okay,Okay £15 then" the trader gives in. "£7!" The girl demands! Even more heated debate and a crowd starts to gather.Giving up and nearly in tears the trader says "Look love, just take the dress, it's free." Our girl hardly needs a second to think " I'll take two! "

[cruncher Pete]

A young lawyer, just starting out, defends prostitutes in court. One of the girls he gets acquitted is Sally. Sally has natural blonde hair, is quite boobacious, with legs that go on for milesOne evening the lawyer and his girlfriend are walking down the street when Sally sees them. She gives them a friendly wave and is dressed for business.The girlfriend looks at her and knows what Sally is.That hooker is looking at you and waving. How do you know her?I've met her, professionally.Really? Whose profession, yours or hers?

[cruncher Pete]

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are scaffolding workers eating their lunch. The Englishman opens his lunch box and cries out,"Bangers and Mash! I've had this every day for a month now. If I get bangers and mash again I'll throw myself into the street below."The Scotsman opens his lunch box and cries out,"Haggis! I've had this every day for a month now. If I get haggis again I'll throw myself into the street below."The Irishman opens his lunch box and cries out,"Potatoes! I've had them every day for a month now. If I get potatoes again I'll throw myself into the street below."The following day the Englishman opens his lunch box."Bangers and mash!" he shouts, and promptly jumps to his death.Then the Scotsman opens his lunch box."Haggis!" he shouts, and promptly jumps to his death.Then the Irishman opens his lunch box."Potatoes!" he shouts, and promptly jumps to his death.Later that day the site foreman meets with the bereaved widows of the three men and explains what happened."If I'd only known John didn't like bangers and mash every day," weeps the Englishman's widow."If I'd only known Andy didn't like haggis every day," weeps the Scotsman's widow."Don't look at me," say the Irishman's widow. "Paddy always makes his own lunch."

[cruncher Pete]

Lord Marmaduke was doing his evening stroll around the deck of the Titanic. Suddenly, he saw an iceberg which tore a great hole in the starboard side of the ship. He said to himself, "We are doomed." He went to the bar and ordered a large whisky. The barman gave him two. He said, "I only asked for one". "Yes , my Lord," said the barman, "but, it is Happy Hour."

[cruncher Pete]

One day a country pastor decided to close the church on a Sunday to go hunting. He puts a sign on the front door saying "gone hunting. See you next Sunday" he goes to the forest and gets nothing. Just as he's about to leave he sees a big grizzly bear. He says "Lord help me get this bear" he shoots and misses ticking the bear off and causing it to o chase the pastor. Finally out of breath the pastor yells "Lord I'm sorry for skipping Church make this bear a Christian." The bear stops gets on it's knees and says "Dear Lord thank you for this meal I'm about to eat".

[cruncher Pete]

[font=-apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen-Sans, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif]A famous American evangelist preacher comes to England and during one of his sell-out presentations at a large packed-out hall starts preaching the power of the the lord and says that God can cure anything and asks "does anyone here have any affliction?", a perfectly normal-looking guy comes up to the stage, the preachers asks "what is your affliction?" "ai a un pich pedimen", "excuse me?" says the preacher, "pich pedimen", "oh, you have a speech impediment?", the man nods his head, "what's your name?" "Fuwed", "Okay, Fred, do you believe in God?". "yes" says Fred.[/font][font=-apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen-Sans, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif]Another guy comes up to the stage on crutches, the preacher says "well, I can see what's wrong, you can't walk- right?" "yes, I have been lame since birth", "okay, what's your name", "Charlie", says the guy. "Okay Charlie, do you believe in God?", "yes" says the man. "Okay, go behind that screen and just have faith", the two men go behind a screen on the stage and the preacher starts addressing the audience in his loud southern baptist American accent, " The lord is powerful, he can cure our ills, believe in the almighty lord, have faith in God", he gradually whips the crowd into a frenzy and tell the public to hold hands, "with the power of the lord we can cure these two people", he closes his eyes and shouts "Charlie, throw away your crutches", two crutches miraculously come flying over the screen", "Fred, say something", a faint panicked voice with an impediment responds "Charlie's fallen over".[/font]