Humor

[cruncher Pete]

A guy is staggering in the heat of the southwest desert in the 19th century. He stumbles into a small town and a man asks him "why don't you buy a horse?" The guy says "I don't have much money". So the local man introduces him to a horse seller and asks if he has any affordable horses. The seller says "Well, I have one for $20 and another for $10...The guy says "What's the difference?" and the seller says, "Well, a preacher man had this horse, and he just died so his wife asked me to sell it. It's a good horse; it just responds to unusual commands is all." So the guy says, "OK, I'll take the cheaper one!" He pays the money, gets on the horse and says "Giddyup!" The horse doesn't move, so the seller says, "No, no! If you want it go, you say 'Oh, Lord' and when you want it stop, you say 'Amen." "Oh, OK!" The guys nudges the horse with his knees and says, "Oh, Lord", and the horse takes off at a dead run. The guy sees a cliff looming ahead, and he screams in panic: "Whoa! Whoa! STOP!" but the horse keeps running. At the last second, the guy remembers and screams "Amen!!!" The horse stops at the very edge of the cliff, and the guy wipes his brow and says, " WHEW, OH LORD!"

[cruncher Pete]

Two men are in the doctor's waiting room. They know each other, so they are allowed to talk to each other."What are you here for?" Asks Fred."I've got a red ring around my todger." Says Bert."What a coincidence." Says Fred. "I've got a green ring around mine."Bert gets called into see the doctor. Five minutes later he comes out and says "Well, that was OK. I've just got to wash it with soap and water."Fred, relieved, strolls in to see the doctor, explains the problem and whips his todger out for inspection."I'm sorry. Says the doc. "We're going to have to amputate.""What!" Says Fred. "But Bert just had to wash his!""Ah." Says the doc. "There's a big difference between lipstick and gangrene".

[cruncher Pete]

An extremely rich man dies and goes to heaven. Outside the pearly gates, St. Peter is standing guard.St Peter says to the rich man, 'Can I help you?'The rich man says, 'Yes, I'm a very rich person, and I want into heaven.'St. Peter: 'What good things have you done?'.The rich man thinks for a moment and replies, 'Well, once I gave a man 5 cents to get a cup of coffee.'St. Peter: 'Anything else?'The rich man thinks for a moment.Rich man: 'I gave a man 10 cents to get a bowl of soup.'St. Peter: 'Anything else?'Rich man: 'No, that's all."St. Peter: 'Well, I can't decide what to do with you. I'll have to ask God.'St. Peter yells to God.St. Peter: 'God, I have this rich man out here and he wants into heaven. He says he gave a man 5 cents to get a cup of coffee, and another time gave someone 10 cents to get a bowl of soup. What should I do with him?'There's a long silence, and then God yells to St. Peter.God: 'Give the son-of-a-bitch his 15 cents back and tell him to go to hell!'

[cruncher Pete]

A man is talking to his lawyer at the police station."What are you charged with?" "Public indecency." "Tell me about it." "I have a compulsion to do what the music says. If they play the Twist, I Twist. If they play a waltz , I waltz." "I understand. What got you arrested?" "They played Come On Eileen."

[cruncher Pete]

It is a hot summer day. An Englishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman all walk into a pub and ask for a pint each.The barman places 3 beers with nice heads of foam on the bar.Just then, three flies come into the pub through the open window. Each fly lands on the head of each of the three beers, getting trapped in the foam.The Englishman picks up his beer and examines the fly caught in the head. He places his mug back down on the bar. "Barman!", he says. "There is a fly in my beer. Please dump this one and give me a new pint in a clean mug."The Welshman picks up his beer and examines the fly caught in the head. With his other hand he deftly flicks the fly away with a snap of his fingers. He then proceeds to drink the delicious beer.The Scotsman picks up his beer and examines the fly caught in the head. He then very carefully picks up the fly by its wings and starts shaking it vigorously over his beer while yelling "Spit it oot ye wee bastard!"

[cruncher Pete]

A little boy walking with his father sees two dogs mating and asks his father what they're doing.Not wanting to compromise his son's innocence, the father says,"Well, son, one of the dogs is hurt and his friend is helping him home by carrying him on its back."The little boy replies,"Gee, Dad, that's just like life. Try to help out a friend and they'll shove it up your ass every time."

[cruncher Pete]

Paddy goes for a building job in London. He's getting on in age, he used to work there in the 60's but went to Cambridge to study physics and literature in later years.The young foreman explains the various qualifications and certificates needed, but they agree that given his academic background they can do a simple test right now.Q1: Paddy, if I drop a 1kg brick from a 10m window, how fast is it going after 1 second? Easy, 9.81 metres per second.Q2: Right Paddy, if I fill a bucket of with ten litres of water, what is the weight increase? Simple, ten kilos.Q3: Ok Paddy, explain the difference between a girder and a joist. No problem, Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses.

[cruncher Pete]

A customer just leaves a chemist shop, and the chemist races down the street after him."Thank goodness I've caught you! I've just made a terrible mistake. You asked for something for indigestion and I accidentally gave you cyanide capsules.""Oh, what's the difference?" asks the customer.The chemist holds out his hand and says, "50 cents"

[cruncher Pete]

Two guys get seated next to each other on a plane and realize they both have black eyes."What a coincidence!", they both agree.The first guy says, "yea you know, women".So the second guy says, "what do you mean?"."Well, when I was buying my ticket, I meant to say, 'May I have one ticket to Pittsburgh?', but the lady at the counter had a really nice rack so instead I said, 'May I get one picket to Tittsburgh?', and she socked me"."Wow", the second guy says, "that's kind of like what happened to me"."How so?"."Well, I was having breakfast with my wife, and I meant to say, 'would you please pass the eggs, honey?', but instead I said, 'you ruined my life you f bitch!"

[cruncher Pete]

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive.""How much?" asked Grandpa."$10 a pill," answered the son."I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He calledGrandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.""I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

[cruncher Pete]

A guy gets steaming drunk at the local pub. It is pitch black and raining cats and dogs, so he decides to take a short cut home through the cemetery. Unfortunately, because of the dark and the slippery conditions, he falls into a newly dug grave. He tries to climb out, but it is so wet and slippery that he just can't do it. After an hour of trying, he gives up and decides to sit in in the corner of the grave and wait until daylight. Around midnight, another drunk is on his way home through the cemetery and he also falls into the open grave. He tries to climb out, but like the first drunk he is unable to because it is so dark and slippery. The first drunk watches, as he tries in vain to climb out. After 10 minutes, the first drunk stands up, taps him on the shoulder and says, "You'll never get out!"......WHOOSH, and he was out.

[cruncher Pete]

[font=-apple-system, system-ui, BlinkMacSystemFont, "Segoe UI", Roboto, Oxygen-Sans, Ubuntu, Cantarell, "Helvetica Neue", sans-serif]Then there was the young lady walking her dog ,who met this old guy on a footpath,and went by without a word of greeting. The old guy turned around and remarked to her, '' That's a nice pig you have there." The woman, a bit annoyed, replied "This is not a pig, it is a dog." The man countered, " Lady I was speaking to the dog."[/font]

[cruncher Pete]

Bill Clinton and the Pope dies the same day but by some reason the Pope ends up in Hell. He complains to the staff and they look in his papers and says "Yes, you're absolutely right, there have been a mix up. But you have to wait 24 hours here but don't worry, no fires or other nasty thing, you get a room to wait in." The Pope is satisfied and waits in his room.24 hours later he is taken to two escalators, one going up and one coming down. He gets on the one going up. After a while he sees that it is Bill Clinton coming down. What do you say to a man you have condemed to etarnity in Hell?When the Pope is in talking range he says to Clinton "You must excuse me but the reason I became a priest and eventally the Pope was that I wanted to meet Virgin Mary." Clinton then calmly replies "Well then, my friend, you are 24 hours to late.";)

[cruncher Pete]

Dad takes his two boys to the diner. The waitress asks the first son "What would you like, honey?".Boy replies "I'd like a goddam cheeseburger!".Dad smacks the boy across his head.The waitress tries to salvage the situation, asking the younger boy "and what would you like to eat, sweetheart?"Younger son looks at his brother, his father, the waitress, back to his brother, then the waitress..."Well...you can bet your sweet ass I ain't gonna order no goddam cheeseburger!"

[cruncher Pete]

A man goes to the cemetery to visit his late wife. He suddenly notices a man across the way who is inconsolable. The man is pounding the ground with his fist and sobbing "why did you have to die why why why?The other man rushes over and tries to calm him down. He says "I understand the deceased must have been very very close to you". The man, still sobbing, says "no, never met him" and begins pounding the ground and repeating "why why why did you die?"The first man is terrbly confused. "May I ask you who is buried here?"The sobbing man pauses to say "it's my wife's first husband "