Humor

[cruncher Pete]

Three swordsmen, a Christian, a Muslim and a Jew were arguing over who was the best, so they decided to have a little contest.First up was the Christian, who took his mighty sword and with two blows he cut a tree in half. Such strength. Such power. Everyone was impressed.Next was the Muslim, who threw a silk handkerchief in the air, and then in one stroke he drew his fine, sharp Damascus blade and cut the handkerchief in half as it fell. Such sharpness, such precision. Everyone congratulated him.Finally it was the Jewish swordsman's turn. He took out a relatively small sword and his competitors looked at him and almost laughed. Then he pulled out a small wooden box, set it on the table, and said, "In here is a fly." He opened the box and as the fly came out and flew away, he slashed at it, once. But the fly just kept on flying. Now the other two swordsmen DID laugh. So he looked at them and said, "What? Doesn't circumcision count?"

[cruncher Pete]

Bill and Bob, two young guys, were sitting outside a clinic.Bill happened to be crying very loudly."Why are you crying?" Bob asked."I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill."So? Are you afraid?""No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob,"Why are you crying now?"To which Bob replied,"I came for a urine test!"

[cruncher Pete]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes into the monastery and asks the monks if he can stay for the night. They graciously accept and shelter him for the night, and even help fix his car. As he's trying to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say "Sorry, we can't tell you, you're not a monk." He's disappointed, but he thanks them anyway and heads out.Years later, he breaks down in front of the same monastery, and once again, the monks take him in for the night. He hears the same strange sound, he asks again what it was. They tell him the same thing they told him before: "Sorry, we can't tell you, you're not a monk."At this point, the man says "Alright, I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out is to become a monk, then how do I become a monk?"The monks tell him "You must travel the earth and count every blade of grass and every grain of sand there is. Return to us with these numbers, and you will be made a monk."Determined, the man sets off to his task. Decades later, he returns to the monastery.He tells the monks "I have traveled the earth and found the information you requested. There are 145,236,687,353 blades of grass and 246,243,379,574,475,133 grains of sand on the earth."The monks reply "Congratulations, you are now a monk. We will now lead you to the source of the sound."They lead him to a large, ornate wooden door. The source of the sound is right behind this door.He reaches for the handle, only to find it is locked.He says "Very funny. May I have the key?"The monks provide the key, and he opens the door, only to find that behind the wooden door is a large, elaborate stone door.He demands the key to this door as well, only to find a large, intricate silver door behind it.Behind the silver door is another door, made of gold. Behind the gold door is another door, made of ruby. Behind the ruby door is another door, made of sapphire.The process goes on for several more doors, made of emerald, topaz, and amethyst.Finally, the monks tell the man that he has reached the final door. He's relieved to have finally reached the end.He unlocks the final door, and pulls it open, amazed to finally find the source of the strange noise.What was it?Sorry, I can't tell you. You're not a monk.

[cruncher Pete]

Well-dressed guy drives into a construction site in his BMW. Walks into the foreman's office, shows his Union card, asks for job as a labourer. Foreman signs him on, asks him, 'Why d'you wanna work here? You're obviously not desperate for money." Guy says, "I'm a gambler. For instance - I'll bet you a thousand dollars that a week from now, you'll have a hernia - one of your balls'll drop as far as your knees." Foreman - super-fit, never a day's illness in his life - says, "You're on!" and they shake on the bet. A week later, foreman walks up to the bloke, says, "Where's my thousand bucks?" Bloke says, "Drop your pants - I want proof in front of witnesses before I pay." Foreman drops his strides in the middle of the work crew; guy gets his trowel, checks the foreman's balls haven't dropped, pays the foreman $1,000. Foreman pockets his money - easiest grand he's ever made; asks the bloke, "Why did ya bet on something you knew you were gonna lose on?" Guy looks around and says, "Well, I bet every one of these 30 blokes here, a thousand bucks that I'd have your balls on a trowel by the end of the week!"

[cruncher Pete]

A bus full of ugly people get into an accident and die. They all go up to heaven.Well, God pushes St. Pete aside, who normally greets the new arrivals, and addresses them."Folks, I feel so terrible that I was compelled to meet you in person." starts God. "Not only did I make all of you ugly, I killed you off pretty early. So Ill tell you what. I will grant you any wish you want while in heaven. So you cant ask to be alive on earth, but you will have whatever you want in heaven."So the first person gets off the bus. As they all begin to file off the bus, God greets each one granting them their wish."What is your wish, my child?" God asks."I want to be beautiful!" Makes sense - she's been ugly her whole life.POOF! She is a beautiful woman.So folks start catching on - they want to know what its like!Next guy "Yeah, ya know? I want to be a handsome angel" POOF!And so on.Well, guy at the end of the line begins snorting, trying hard to hold in his laughter. God gives him a glare, but continues."I want to be beautiful!" "I want to be gorgeous!" "I want to be handsome"God continues, like a factory line, granting these wishes as the folks get off the bus.By now the guy at the end of the line is busting out laughing now. He cant help it; almost in tears.God continues granting everyone their wish - all asking for the same; to be good looking / beautiful / handsome!Finally, God reaches the end of the line; the guy who's been crackin up this whole time."OK, Chuckles" God asks. "What is your wish?"The guy calms his laughter and says "Make them all ugly again!"

[cruncher Pete]

Two vampire bats are sitting in a cave. They haven't seen an animal for ages and are desperate for some blood to drink. Finally one turns to the other and says "right. I'm going to fly out and search high and low until I find something to drink." With that he sets off into the night. About an hour later be returns with his face just covered in blood. There's so much it's dripping off him."What did you find? Tell me what you found!" Shouts the other bat excitedly."Well," says the first "Do you see that house over in the distance?""Yes!" Cries the second."And beyond that can you see that lake?""I can, I can!""And the other side of that do you see the church with its high steeple?""I see it, I see it!" Shrieked the second bat."Well I didn't"

[cruncher Pete]

Mom and Dad are sitting on the sofa...Little Johnny is at the breakfast bar trying, with great difficulty, to remove the foil lid from a little of yoghurt..."Stupid fornicateing lid !" he says...Mom looks to Dad and says "I wonder where he gets that from ?"...Dad replies "Well out of the fornicateing fridge of course ya stupid bitch !"...

[cruncher Pete]

An English street light repairman has been sent to a town in Wales to repair a row of antique street lights on the Main Street.
As he worked up on the poles he is passed by several of the villagers. " Cheers" the Englishman would say with a friendly smile.
"F*ck off you English bastard" came the reply.
This went on all morning. Every time someone approached while the Englishman worked he would say "Cheers."
"F*ck off you English bastard." Was always the reply.At lunch the Englishman decided to visit the local pub. Bartender served the Englishman a pint and started cleaning some glasses.
"Can I ask you something mate?"
"Sure" said the Bartender.
"Every time someone passes me by while I'm working I say 'cheers' but everyone keeps saying 'f*ck off you English bastard."
"Ah," said the bartender with a grin. "You have to speak the native tongue here. Next time someone approaches instead of saying Cheers say Yaki Dah. I think you will find people will be much more friendly to you".
"Thank you!" said the Englishman excitedly. He then left the bar and went back to work.As the Englishman worked he was very anxious for someone to approach him so he could try out what the bartender told him. But as luck would have it no one came. The Englishman became disappointed not seeing a single soul pass by now. Suddenly a man came walking up the sidewalk towards him. The Englishman became excited as he watched the man approach. As soon as he was close the Englishman said "Yaki Dah!"
"F*ck off you Welsh bastard." Said the man.

[cruncher Pete]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while
he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything
behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a
billiard ball.The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off
my pool table -- whole!""Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."
The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a
drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a
maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and
eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he
asks."Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he
swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first." ;)

[cruncher Pete]

An Irishman walks into an Irish pub and as he pulls up to the bar and has a conversation with a couple of other patrons. "this bar is OK, but it doesn't compare to O'hara's...At O'hara's you buy two drinks and then he buys you one." "Well," says the guy sitting to his right, "At O'grady's you buy one drink and then he buys you one. You buy another and he buys you another!" "Ha!" says the patron sitting to his left, "At McDougals he buys you a drink. Then he buys you two more. And then he takes you out back and gets you laid!" The other patrons scoffed and said he's making it up. "No really" came the reply - "It happened to my sister!"

[cruncher Pete]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.""I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "OK. Go ahead."Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."The auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous."Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands."Are you OK?" the auditor asks."Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."Don't mess with old people!

[cruncher Pete]

A voluptuous young blonde wrecked her car and went to Heaven the same day the Queen died. St. Pete tells them, "I have bad news, we are overbooked, and there isonly space for one more at this time. So we will have a talent competition for me to decide which of you gets in." The blonde, being an ex-stripper, puts on a mouth-watering performance, even going so far as to bury St. Pete's face in her 46DD cleavage. She figures she's a shoo-in, as the Queen went to a nearby bathroom stall, took a loud stinking shit, flushed and walked back out. St. Pete welcomes the Queen to Heaven. The young lady is livid, and demands to appeal the decision before God, alleging class bias. God smiles and says, "I'm sorry young lady, but even in Heaven a royal flush beats even the best pair!"

[cruncher Pete]

A young lady suggested to her inexperienced boyfriend that they should have sex."Uhh.. I dunno" he said.. "I heard women had teeth... down there"She laughed.. "No, silly, we don't! Here, have a look!"She hitched up her skirt, spread her legs and let him take a good look."You're right!" he said, relieved. "But MY GOD, look at the state of your gums!"

[cruncher Pete]

A guy's slobbing out in trackies, slippers and a paint splattered t-shirt, watching TV when his wife asks him to pop round the shop to get some eggs for his tea.He's gone a long time and his wife is getting worried when there's a knock at the door. She opens it and there's a cop who tells her he's been hit by a lorry and she has to come down to the morgue to identify the body.The morque assistant leads her in and she confirms it's her husband then she notices another body laying on the next table; he's wearing immaculately shined shoes, and a beautifully tailored Italian silk suit.She says to the assistant "Look at that, that guy looks like a male model, and there's my old man looking like a tramp"The assistant looks around to check no-one's listening and says "he hasn't been claimed yet, give me five minutes"She goes out and waits in the corridor, a couple of minutes later the assistant beckons her back in.Now the unknown body is wearing trackies, slippers and a paint spattered t-shirt and her husband is wearing shiny shoes and a beautifully tailored Italian silk suit."Oh, doesn't he look lovely" she says but then her conscience takes over and she says "No, I can't let that poor man's family see him like that when they do come for him, I'm sorry to mess you about but can you change him back if it's not too much trouble?""It's no trouble at all" he says, "I'll just swap the heads back over"

[cruncher Pete]

Two blondes were trekking in the Australian outback when they found some tracks. Oh look!, blonde one exclaims, Dingo Tracks!. Don't be so stupid blonde 2 replies, They are much too wide to be dingo tracks, they are camel tracks! Don't you call me stupid, blonde one angrily replies, I know dingo tracks when I see them! A heated argument broke out between the two blondes. They were still arguing loudly when the train came along and hit them.