Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

So James Bond gets killed on his last mission and MI6 are desperately looking for a replacement to fill his shoes. Word goes out to the navy, army, RAF and SAS for them to send over their 'best of the best' so they can be put through a series of tests, to see who could fit the bill.

On the big day, hundreds of men turn up to be tested, all wanting to prove themselves worthy to be called 008. Anyway, after being put through loads of gruelling and physically demanding tests, all but 3 were eliminated, one English man, one Scottish man and one Irish man.

The 3 of them are told that they have just one more test to perform, and this will decide who gets the position.

They call in the English man first. The test coordinator hands him a gun and says, "This test is simple. You are to take this gun and kill the person who is in the room behind the door"

The English man, without hesitation, takes the gun, opens the door and goes into the room. A few seconds later he comes out and says to the coordinator, "That's my wife in there! Surely you don't expect me to kill my own wife!"

The coordinator replies, "It's a simple order. If you can't do it, then your not the man we're looking for!"

With that, the English man hands back the gun and walks out in a huff.

The coordinator then called in the Scottish man. The test coordinator hands him a gun and says, "This test is simple. You are to take this gun and kill the person who is in the room behind the door"

The Scottish man, without hesitation, takes the gun, opens the door and goes into the room. A few seconds later he comes out and says to the coordinator, "That's my wife in there! Surely you don't expect me to kill my own wife!"

The coordinator replies, "It's a simple order. If you can't do it, then your not the man we're looking for!"

With that, the Scottish man hands back the gun and walks out in a huff.

Next it's the Irish man's turn. The test coordinator hands him a gun and says, "This test is simple. You are to take this gun and kill the person who is in the room behind the door"

The Irish man, without hesitation, takes the gun, opens the door and goes into the room. The coordinator, listening behind the door, hears several gun shots. Then there is a moment of silence, followed by a loud commotion of shouting, fighting, banging and crashing. Eventually the Irish man walks out, covered in cuts and bruises, and quietly hands the gun back to the coordinator.

"What the hell happened in there?" asks the coordinator.

The Irish man replies, "Some joker loaded the gun with blanks, so I had no choice but to beat her to death!"

[Cruncher Pete]

A married guy goes to the confessional and tells the priest that he's not been faithful to his wife."So, who is it really?""Pardon, Father?""Was it Alena?""No, Father.""Was it Meredith?""No, Father.""Gabriella?""No.""Okay, just say a couple of Our Fathers and Hail Marys."After he's done, the guy goes out to his friend who asks, "How did it go?""Quite well, actually! I got two Our Fathers, two Hail Marys and three great leads."

[Cruncher Pete]

Two old ladies were chatting over the fence. Mrs Smith says, "you'll never guess what happened last week... I was in the kitchen, making the Sunday dinner, and I sent Mr Smith to the allotment for a cabbage to go with the dinner. But when he was pulling it out of the ground, he keeled over and died of a heart attack!"Mrs Jones says, "Goodness me! That is absolutely awful. Poor Mr Smith. What did you do?"Mrs Smith says, "I opened a tin of peas".

[Cruncher Pete]

There once was a blond who was so sick and tired of hearing dumb blond jokes that she decided to have her hair styed and dyed Raven black. She was so impressed with the results and it was such a beautiful day that she decided to treat herself to a long drive through the country in her convertible with the top down.As she was rounding a big bend in the road, she caught sight of this tall grass-covered hillside up ahead. As she drew closer, she spied a flock of sheep grazing on the hill. She pulled her car off the road, got out and began hiking up the hill amidst the flock of sheep. When she reached to top of the hill, she met a shepherd tending his flock."Sir?" she asked him. "Your sheep are just so cute and fluffy! If I can guess exactly how many sheep you have, can I pick one out and take it home as a pet?"The shepherd thought it over and, figuring the odds were in his favor, replied," Sure lady. Go right ahead. Guess away."The woman smiled and said, "You have exactly 346 sheep!"The shepherd's eyes bugged out and a look of shock appeared on his face. After a moment he finally said, "You're right." He sighed and then went on, "Okay. A deal's a deal. Go pick out your new pet."The woman wandered off and then returned with her selection saying, "This is it! I pick this sheep!"The shepherd looked at the sheep, then looked back at her and said..."Lady, if I can guess your original hair color, can I have my dog back?"

[Cruncher Pete]

One day Jesus decided to stroll down to the Pearly Gates. No sooner did he get there than St. Peter exclaimed, "Oh, I'm so glad you're here, I need to go to the bathroom bad! Watch the Gates for me, will you?""But what am I supposed to do if someone comes?" Jesus asked."Have them fill out the intake sheet," Peter said, pointing to his lectern. "I gotta run — 'bye!""But —" Jesus said, too late; Peter was out of earshot. Jesus was studying the intake sheet when he saw an old man tentatively approaching the Gates. "Welcome to Heaven, sir!" he said.The old man stared. "Heaven — is it true? I'm in heaven?" he whispered. When Jesus nodded, the old man dropped to his knees and said, "Oh, how wonderful! Maybe now I can finally find my son!"Jesus helped him to his feet and said, "I'll be happy to let you in, but first I need to get some information from you so we know where to put you. Now, while you were on earth, what did you do for a living?""I was a carpenter," the old man replied.Jesus was struck by the coincidence, but made a note on the intake sheet and moved on to the next question. "About your family — you say you have, or had, a son, and you believe he's here already, is that correct?""Well, I don't know for sure," the old man said. "We went our separate ways a long time ago, and I heard that he died. But he was a very good son, so I know that if he died, he'll be here."Moved with pity for the old man, Jesus replied, "If he is here, we'll certainly help you find him. Can you give us a description of him?" To which the old man replied, "Oh, he'll be easy for you to recognize: he has nail holes in his hands and feet."Carpenter, good man, separated from family, nail holes — Jesus stared at the old man, dropped his pen and paper, thrust out his hands, and cried, "Papa!!!"And the old man, tears in his own eyes, thrust out his hands and cried, "Pinocchio!!!"
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[Cruncher Pete]

Joe and Jim, we're neighbouring farmers in Somerset. Their farms bordered each side of a country lane and they met for a break each morning to have a ploughman's lunch. They took turns as hosts at small tables in their sheds.It was Joe's turn to host. A sunny morning, warm but not too hot, he brought his small table out, crockery, cutlery and food. They sat down in the middle of the lane and tucked into their food.Jon, a teenage driver, was trying out his dad's sports car taking country bends as fast as he could. He got round a bend and saw the farmers sitting in the middle of the road. He swerved off the road smashing and completely demolishing Joe's shed.The farmers looked on in astonishment. Joe turned to Jim and said, " Arr 'eck, it were a good job we wuz out 'ere else we'd be dedans."

[Cruncher Pete]

Pat Murphy and his two mates Mike and Fred were helping to build the Empire State Building. For about the last month they'd been complaining about always getting the same thing for their lunch. Mike and Fred said they'd asked their wives for something different now and again but nothing changed. Sitting high up on the building's framework one day they opened their lunchboxes hoping to see something different. "Bloody hell," said Mike, "this is past a joke, bloody cheese and marmite sandwiches again, l've had it," and he jumped off to his death. Fred opened his box and yelled," oh, my bloody godfather, mutton and pickles again, l've had a gutsful of this," and he jumped off. Pat gingerly opened his box and saw one sandwich with a dried up potato patty in it. He said to himself," oh my God, not again, l can't eat another one of these," and jumped off to his death. At the funerals the three widows were talking about the situation and Mike's widow said, " l didn't think it was so serious, l was going to put something different in Mike's lunch next week." Fred's widow said, " l didn't think Fred was in such a hurry for a change in his lunch, if l'd realized that l would have changed it the next day." Pat's widow had a look of bewilderment on her face when she said, " l can't understand Pat, he's been making his own lunches for years."

[Cruncher Pete]

A Texan ranch owner was in the UK and visited a local pub in a sheep farming area of Yorkshire. He struck up a conversation with a sheep farmer in the pub. After a bit of chit chat, the Texan asked the Yorkshireman a question. The conversation went thus:Texan - "So, how long does it take you to go from one end of your farm to the other".Yorkshireman – "about 3 hours to walk from one end to the other"Texan – "If I get in my car to drive from one end of my ranch to the other, it'll take me a day"Yorkshireman, after some pause for thought – "Aye, I used to have a car like that."

[Cruncher Pete]

A very awful man died and was sent to Hell.Satan met him and welcomed him. "Despite what you've heard, this place is not so bad," he purred. "You have choices. Let me show you."He took the man to a corridor with three doors. The man looked in the small window of the first door. Inside he could see people up to their necks in human feces. They were writhing, moaning, and throwing up from the stench.The man was unsure. "That doesn't look so good. Can I see the next room?""Of course!" Satan led him to the next door. Through the window, he saw people up to their waists in excrement. They were also throwing up and miserable."I don't know, " said the man. "Can I see the third room?""But of course!" Satan crooned. He led him to the third door. The man saw people standing in human feces up to their knees. However, this group was having cake and coffee and smiling.The man was relieved. "This room looks the best. I'll go in here," he told Satan."As you wish, sir. Welcome to Eternity." Satan let him into the room.The people inside welcomed him and gave him a piece of cake and some coffee. The man was happy with his choice.Suddenly, a klaxon sounded. Over the intercom, a voice said, "Okay, everyone. Break's over. Back on your heads!"

[Cruncher Pete]

The towns wealthiest man is dying, and sends for his doctor, lawyer, and priest.On his deathbed he tells them "I know I don't have long for this world. Much as I'm told I can't take it with me, I want your help trying. I'm going to give each of you $1,000,000 and want you to put it in the casket before they burry me". All 3 promise to do so.After the burial, the three are at the wake, and finding some privacy discuss the last request."I couldn't put it in. The hospital needs a new wing to treat the growing population around here. It was donated to the hospital" said the doctor.The priest replied "Don't feel bad, the Parish home for Orphans and Widows needed major repairs, so it was donated for that".The lawyer looked at them, and said "For shame. You broke your promise. I put the whole amount in the coffin. I can't believe I was the only honest one among us"."You did?" said the Pastor. "I didn't see anything in the coffin berfore they closed it" added the Doctor.The lawyer looked at them and said "I put my check in his suit pocket"

[Cruncher Pete]

Jesus is in the temple in heaven and he noticed that the roof had a small leak in it.He asked for three bids to get it fixed.The first bid was for 25 dollars.The second was for 100 dollarsThe third person big 50,000 dollars.Jesus went to the third person and said, "The first guy said, 25 dollars and the second said 100 dollars, so why was yours 50,000?"The third guy responded, "Well you get 50,000 dollars from your insurance and pay me 24,975 dollars, you keep 25,000 for yourself and I'll pay that first guy to do it for 25 dollars"This truth shows why insurance premiums are so high I'm afraid. ... I've seen the original joke told where each party was a different ethnic group but figured that is not necessary to get the point across.

[Cruncher Pete]

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman accidentally met up in the Men's Room. The first to finish was the Irishman who walked to the sink and spent several minutes washing his hands and arms. To the others looking surprised, he said, 'When I was young, I was taught that Cleanliness is next to Godliness'.The Scotsman finished next. He walked over to the sink and dipped his fingertips into about a millimetre of water. To the others, he commented 'When I was young I was taught to be frugal'.The Englishman finished, zipped up and walked past the sink straight to the door. As the other two looked at him he said 'When I was young, I was taught not to piss on my hands'.

[Dark Angel]

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[Cruncher Pete]

Putin is held hostage by a terrorist. A Russian truckdriver stops at the back of a long queue on the motorway. He sees a policeman walking down the line of stopped cars to briefly talk to the drivers. As the policeman approaches the truck, the truckdriver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
Policeman: "A terrorist is holding Putin hostage in a car. He's demanding 10 million rubles, or he'll douse Putin in petrol and set him on fire. So we're asking drivers for donations."
Driver: "Oh, ok. How much do people donate on average."
Policeman: "About a gallon."

[Cruncher Pete]

Bruce and Steve , 2 Australians ,flew to England for a working holiday .after applying for a few jobs and missing out they saw a job advertisement for a butler and chauffeur for an elderly titled lady. "This is us " Bruce says to Steve." But we have no idea about those jobs" says Steve. " leave it to me mate, replies Bruce, " I'll do all the talking "So they go along to the interview and it all is going along brilliantly,as the interview is coming to an end ,The titled lady says " well you young men seem to be perfect for the job all I need to see now is your testimonials.As they are walking back down the driveway afterwards,Steve says to Bruce " If you knew the difference between testimonials and testicles I think we might have got those jobs "