Humor

[cruncher Pete]

A proper Englishman, wandering the heaths of Scotland, walks into a pub."My good man," he says. "I hear you have 100 year-old Scotch. I would love a bit."The pub owner takes down a glass and pours an ounce.After a sip, the Englishman says, "Oh my. My dear fellow! That is 20 year-old Scotch! I am here for the 100 year-old!"The pub owner shakes his head, pulls another glass and bottle, and pours the libation.the Englishman takes a sip and declares: "Oh! No! That is 50 year-old Scotch. I want the 100 year-old one. You have it, haven't you?"The pub owner, now cowed, pulls down another glass and a dusty bottle. He wipes off the bottle and pours it into the glass.The Englishman takes a sip and sighs. "Ah. Now that's the right stuff! Glorious!"The man next to him nudges him and points to the glass he has pushed over."Try that!"The Englishman takes a sip and spits it out. "Plah! That's piss!"The man replies: "Now tell me how old I am!"

[cruncher Pete]

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russian Hell and many more. They are all similarly gruesome. However, at Nigerian Hell a long line of people is waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, "What do they do here?"He is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Nigerian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.""But that's the same as the others," says the man. "Why are so many people waiting to get in?""Because of the power cuts, the electric chair does not work. The nails were paid for but never supplied, so the bed is comfortable. And the Nigerian devil used to be a civil servant, so he comes in, signs his time sheet and goes back home for private business."

[cruncher Pete]

A father takes his young son out for a walk. On the way, they saw 2 dogs doing it in a yard. The son was shocked and asked, "Dad! What are they doing?!?" The father said, "Well, son, theyre making puppies." The boy nodded and they continued on their way.Some time after they got home, the boy went looking for his dad. He heard a sound coming from his parent's room, so he went upstairs to their room and opened the door. There he saw his mom and dad in bed making love.He was shocked and asked, "Dad! What are you guys doing?!?" His father answered, "Well son, we're making babies."The boy nodded and said, "Ah! Well can you please turn her over? I want a puppy!"

[cruncher Pete]

There was a convention for brewers and brew masters from around the world attended. At the end of the convention a few of the brew masters decided to head to the local tavern together. They arrived and once seated at the bar, the bartender came around to take their orders.The first to order was the brew master from Budweiser. He tells the bartender, "I'll have the king of beers! One Budweiser please."The second was the brew master from Coors. He tells the bartender, "I'll have the only beer brewed with pure Rocky Mountain spring water! One Coors please."The third was the brew master from Miller. He tells the bartender, "I'll have the champagne of beers!. One Miller please."The forth was the brew master from Guinness. He tells the bartender, "I'll have a Coke."The other brew masters look at him astonished. "Aren't you going to order a Guinness?" one of them asks.The brew master from Guinness replies, "I figured if none of you were going to drink beer, I wouldn't either."

[ryzenmulti]

I recently spent $6,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyway......I had the Vet come and take a look at him. He said,, the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days....... all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ... but they kind of taste like peppermint.

[cruncher Pete]

Two brothers immigrate from Ireland to the U.S.A. bringing with them a bottle of fine Irish Whiskey. They keep the bottle for years and somehow never find an occasion special enough to open this special bottle of fine Irish Whiskey.Finally one of brothers is on his death bed and he asks his bother :"Micheal, remember that bottle of fine Irish Whiskey we carried over from the Old County?"His brother answered:"Yes Patrick, I still have it put away in my cupboard''Patrick says:"When I go would you have the heart to pour that bottle of fine Irish Whiskey over my grave''Micheal says:" Of course I would my brother but one question. Would you mind terribly if I pass it though me kidneys first? ''

[cruncher Pete]

A cowboy rides into the high street of a Western town and finds it deserted. He hitches his horse to the rail outside the saloon and goes in.The barman is polishing glasses behind the bar."Hi" says the cowboy "mighty quiet in town""Yup" says the barman "Everybody's at the hanging""The hanging?" says the cowboy "Who they hanging?""They're hanging Brown Paper Pete"Said the barman"Oh, why do you call him that?""Well"Said the barman,"His shirt is made of brown paper, this chaps are made of brown paper, and his favourite hat is made of brown paper""I see!"Said the cowboy"What are they hanging him for?" ..."Rustling"

[cruncher Pete]

Many years ago a man decided it was time to introduce his young son to an authentic pirate. So they walked along the local docks past all the sloops moored there until they saw a swarthy gent that looked every ounce a pirate.Excuse me, said the man. I notice that you have a black eye patch, a peg leg and a hook for a hand. Are you a real pirate? You bet I am answered the pirate proudly.Well, could you tell my son how you lost your leg? You bet, answered the pirate. Years ago I fell overboard in rough seas and before I could be pulled aboard a giant shark nipped my leg clean off. Well, I had our doc carve me a wooden peg leg that I've worn for over 25 years now.Wow! Said the man. And can you tell us how you lost you hand? Sure, said the pirate proudly. It was during a broadside by a British frigate and a a cannon ball just cut it off as neat as could be. Again 'ol doc fashioned me this swell iron hook that I been using ever since. Amazing! And how did you lose your eye?That was really a damn shame, continued the pirate. One day I glanced up at the yard-arm and damned if a sea gull didn't shit right in my eye.And that blinded you, asked the man skeptically?No, answered the pirate. But it was me first day with the hook.

[cruncher Pete]

Two brothers wake up one morning and decided they were mature and needed to show it. So they decided to cuss in front of their parents. The older brother told the younger to use the word "damn" and he'd use "hell".They go downstairs for breakfast and mom asks the younger what he would like."I guess I'll have some damn Toasties," he says.Mom whales into him and then grounds him for a week. She then turns to the older son and says "Now what do you want smarty?"The older brother looks at the younger, still smarting and decrying his week-long punishment. He looks at his mom then looks back again at his brother and says:"Well I sure as hell don't want any Toasties!"

[cruncher Pete]

A preacher, a boy scout, and a top-notch engineer are on a small plane traveling across the country.The plane runs out of fuel and is plummeting towards the ground.There are three parachutes.The pilot grabs one of the chutes and says, "Well, you have to decide who gets the other two because I'm out of here," and he jumps out with his chute.The engineer grabs a pack and says "I'm the smartest man in the world. The world needs me!"You two decide who gets the last one. He jumps out of the plane.The preacher looks at the boy scout and says, "I've lived a long and good life. You have your whole life ahead of you — you take the last parachute."The boy scout looks up at the priest and says, "Not to worry Father. The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack."

[cruncher Pete]

An American goes to Mexico on business. From his hotel room, he hears the shouting of excited fans from the bullring across the street. That evening, he has a meal in the hotel dining room.As he is finishing, he notices waiters arriving at a nearby table &, with great dignity, setting before a well-dressed gentleman a huge dish of savory meat & vegetables. The American can smell the alluring dish from where he is sitting.He summons the maitre d' & says, "I will be here for a week and tomorrow I'd like to order what that fellow is feasting on. What is it called, may I ask?"The maitre d' makes a sorrowful face & explains:"I am so sorry, senor, but that is a very special dish that we can serve only once per week, after the day of the bullfighting The key ingredient is obtained by special arrangement. It is, mmm...a lavish stew based on the private parts of the slain bull.""Oh, what a pity," said the American. "I'd like to try that. It looks & smells absolutely fabulous."Then the guest brightened."Say, I'll still be here for next week's bullfight. Can I order ahead?"Again the maitre d' looked sorrowful."Alas, that dish is so popular that we are booked ahead for many months.""Well, I have to return to Mexico every few months & can pretty much set my own schedule," the disappointed gourmet responded. "When is your next available opening?"The maitre d' opened a massive calendar book & searched a few moments. An opening was found & scheduled. The happy guest went back to his room, anticipating his return almost a year later.It seemed forever, but eventually the day came. The American sat at the dining room's best table & was served all the preliminaries graciously. Finally the coveted entre arrived. It smelled & tasted every bit as delicious as he expected, just like what he had dreamed of for a year. Except for one aspect."Thank you, ever so much," he told the maitre d'. "This is everything I dreamed of. The flavor, the aroma, the presentation — everything 5-star! I do have one question. Not a complaint. Just wondering. Maybe it's just my faulty memory, but as I recall, the entre last year looked much larger."The obviously embarrassed maitre d' shrugged & said:"Well, senor, sometimes the bull wins."

[cruncher Pete]

A psychiatrist has twin boys, one an optimist and the other a pessimist. He wanted to know how far these personality traits would go, so on Christmas morning, he filled up the pessimist's room with toys. Then, he filled up the optimist's room with manure.That night, the father found the pessimist surrounded by his gifts, crying."What's wrong?" the father asked."I have a ton of game manuals to read... I need batteries... and my toys will all eventually get broken!" sobbed the pessimist.Passing the optimist's room, the father found him dancing for joy around the pile of droppings. "Why are you so happy?" he asked.The optimist shouted, "Daddy, with all this shit, there's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

[cruncher Pete]

So James Bond gets killed on his last mission and MI6 are desperately looking for a replacement to fill his shoes. Word goes out to the navy, army, RAF and SAS for them to send over their 'best of the best' so they can be put through a series of tests, to see who could fit the bill.

On the big day, hundreds of men turn up to be tested, all wanting to prove themselves worthy to be called 008. Anyway, after being put through loads of gruelling and physically demanding tests, all but 3 were eliminated, one English man, one Scottish man and one Irish man.

The 3 of them are told that they have just one more test to perform, and this will decide who gets the position.

They call in the English man first. The test coordinator hands him a gun and says, "This test is simple. You are to take this gun and kill the person who is in the room behind the door"

The English man, without hesitation, takes the gun, opens the door and goes into the room. A few seconds later he comes out and says to the coordinator, "That's my wife in there! Surely you don't expect me to kill my own wife!"

The coordinator replies, "It's a simple order. If you can't do it, then your not the man we're looking for!"

With that, the English man hands back the gun and walks out in a huff.

The coordinator then called in the Scottish man. The test coordinator hands him a gun and says, "This test is simple. You are to take this gun and kill the person who is in the room behind the door"

The Scottish man, without hesitation, takes the gun, opens the door and goes into the room. A few seconds later he comes out and says to the coordinator, "That's my wife in there! Surely you don't expect me to kill my own wife!"

The coordinator replies, "It's a simple order. If you can't do it, then your not the man we're looking for!"

With that, the Scottish man hands back the gun and walks out in a huff.

Next it's the Irish man's turn. The test coordinator hands him a gun and says, "This test is simple. You are to take this gun and kill the person who is in the room behind the door"

The Irish man, without hesitation, takes the gun, opens the door and goes into the room. The coordinator, listening behind the door, hears several gun shots. Then there is a moment of silence, followed by a loud commotion of shouting, fighting, banging and crashing. Eventually the Irish man walks out, covered in cuts and bruises, and quietly hands the gun back to the coordinator.

"What the hell happened in there?" asks the coordinator.

The Irish man replies, "Some joker loaded the gun with blanks, so I had no choice but to beat her to death!"

[cruncher Pete]

A married guy goes to the confessional and tells the priest that he's not been faithful to his wife."So, who is it really?""Pardon, Father?""Was it Alena?""No, Father.""Was it Meredith?""No, Father.""Gabriella?""No.""Okay, just say a couple of Our Fathers and Hail Marys."After he's done, the guy goes out to his friend who asks, "How did it go?""Quite well, actually! I got two Our Fathers, two Hail Marys and three great leads."

[cruncher Pete]

Two old ladies were chatting over the fence. Mrs Smith says, "you'll never guess what happened last week... I was in the kitchen, making the Sunday dinner, and I sent Mr Smith to the allotment for a cabbage to go with the dinner. But when he was pulling it out of the ground, he keeled over and died of a heart attack!"Mrs Jones says, "Goodness me! That is absolutely awful. Poor Mr Smith. What did you do?"Mrs Smith says, "I opened a tin of peas".