Humor

[cruncher Pete]

A guy asks at a zoo if they've got any jobs."Well", says the owner "we're not doing too well and one of the gorillas died the other day. I'll pay you to dress up in a gorilla suit and take his place".So the guy gets dressed in the gorilla suit and is walking around inside the enclosure when a huge great silver back male gorilla approaches him. He's absolutely terrified, scared for his life. He runs as fast as he can and jumps over the enclosure wall.Only to land in the Lion enclosure."Oh my f@cking god" he screams, "help me I'm not a gorilla I'm a human being", as a big lion moves towards him."Shut the f@ck up", says the lion, "or you'll get us all fired"

[cruncher Pete]

A beautiful woman is riding her bike across a college campus. She gets off on a lawn in front of an engineer. Throws the bike down and strips down naked. Tell the engineer while holding her arms suggestively in the take whatever you want.The engineer looks at it all and says, 'the clothes won't fit me, but the bike looks great. Thanks' and rides off.

[cruncher Pete]

Two women were walking home after a girl's night out and felt the need to pee, so passing a graveyard, they decided to answer the call of nature.Of course, they have no toilet paper, so the first one uses her knickers and then throws them away while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath, pulls it off, and uses that.The next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other, you know we need to watch our wives when they go out for their nights out, my wife came home last night without her knickers. "You think that's bad," said the other husband, mine had a card in her panties that said "from all the guys at the fire station – we'll miss you"

[cruncher Pete]

A woman looks around her after getting out of a plane and sees a priest. She asks him if he would do something to help her out. When the priest responds with an "If I could," she says:"Father, I have a brand new and unopened lady's hairdryer on me that would be over the Customs limits, so if you wouldn't mind, could you please carry it inside your robes for me? I'm afraid they'll not let it pass, and I need to gift it to my friend who is seriously ill.""Sure, child! But please note that if I'm questioned, I will not lie.""Thanks Father, I understand, but no one would question you."The priest goes to the men's room, shoves the thingamabob under his robes, comes out and ambles on. When he hits Customs, an official asks: "Do you have anything to declare, Father?""I declare that I have nothing from the top of my head till my waist."The bored official, amused by this, continues:"What do you have to say about the region below your waist?""Oh, I have to declare a contraption that is intended for use on a woman, but that which till date hasn't found its destiny."Tickled to the limit, the official waves the priest through.

[cruncher Pete]

When I was young, my dad wanted us to have things that other people had.He was from the Old Country.One day he brought home a Football. We tried throwing it, kicking it, kicking it, and throwing it for a couple ofl hours without success. We were terrible, and ready to quit.Finally a kind neighbor came over and filled it with air.

[cruncher Pete]

A little boy told me this one. Do you know why ducks have flat feet? No. From stomping out forest fires! A minute later - Do you know why elephants have flat feet? No. From stomping out burning ducks.

[cruncher Pete]

The Minister of Transport from Mossacklandia was invited to visit the Republic of Fonseca to meet his counterpart. He was driven along a bumpy road to a palatial house - the private residence of the Minister of Transport of Fonseca. "What a beautiful house you have here" said the visitor, "How did you pay for it?" "That was easy," replied the host, "The Ministry of Transport built the road that you drove here on, but I used half of the funding to build this house for me and my family." The next year, it was the turn of the Minister from Mossacklandia to host a transport summit. The Minister from Fonseca got off the 'plane, and was invited to step on board a helicopter that flew him across the jungle to an amazing castle, complete with swimming pools, roller-coasters and an ice-rink. "I like your house", he said, "But why is it in the middle of the jungle?" The Minister from Mossacklandia replied "I copied your idea, but instead of using half of the funding for the road, I used all of it."

[cruncher Pete]

A wife comes home and says to her husband. 'Amazing, I have saved £300 by buying this lovely bag for only £400 instead of £700 ! What a steal. What do you think love?"Hubby ' Wow, what a great saving and a cool bag! Why don't you buy 5 more and save £1500 and pay this month's mortgage?

[cruncher Pete]

A recently widowed woman is be-grieving her recently deceased husband. The mortician asked: "Ma'am, is there anything I can do for you?" The wife says: " My husband ALWAYS wanted to be buried in blue suit, and you have him in black."The mortician says: "Well ma'am, you see,' black is all we have." It's traditional wear, for the dearly departed. It represents the loss, and emptiness we feel. But, I'll do what I can. The widow thanks the mortician and leaves.The following Friday, the widow returns to the mortuary, to view her husband one last time before his funeral Saturday. The mortician directs her behind a drape and she sees her husband in a beautiful blue suit. She was awed by what she saw. "Oh that's just lovely! However did you do it?"The mortician replies: "Well after you left Wednesday,' they brought in another man, who was about the same size, weight, and flesh tone of your husband. His widow, was grieving the fact that her husband was wearing a blue suit, and that he wanted to be buried in a black suit.'""Well, after she left,'' It was just a matter of switching the heads.'"

[cruncher Pete]

Many years ago I managed a furniture and interiors store in W. London. One particular day I visited the company's warehouse to select some stock for the store.At lunchtime I went with the warehouse asst. manager (Neil) to the local bookmakers, as he liked a small flutter on the gee-gees. I stood at the back of the bookies waiting for my colleague while he placed his bet (always tiny amounts — 10p here, 20p there. A very sensible gambler) and, as he did so, he dropped his coin on the floor. Upon picking it up, he immediately dropped it again.The bookie behind the counter said "Do you wanna drop anything else?" and, quick as a flash, my colleague replied "I'll drop me trousers, show you me arse!".From the back of the small betting shop I overheard everything and burst out laughing. I also noticed that the bookie was (excuse the expression) p*ssing himself with laughter!In all the years I worked with Neil it was the only particularly funny thing I ever heard him say. But I thought it was brilliant!

[cruncher Pete]

A guy goes to the doctor with a severe upset stomach. The doctor diagnoses a tapeworm, but says "not to worry", he's got a surefire cure."Okay!" Says the guy, "When can you start? I can't stand the thought of a tapeworm in me."Doc says, "Okay. Drop your pants, lean over the table." When the guy assumes, Doc suddenly rams a hot dog up there. Waits 15 seconds and rams a hard boiled egg up there. The guy is surprised to say the least, but Doc just tells him to come back tomorrow.Next day, same thing. Doc says, "Drop your pants, lean over the table." Rams a hot dog up there. Waits 15 seconds and rams a hard boiled egg up there. The guy is surprised again, but Doc just tells him to come back tomorrow.This goes on for 6 days, and on the 7th, the guy says, "Hey Doc, I think the cure is worse than the tapeworm. I can't take it anymore. Doc says, "No worries, it will all be over tomorrow."Next day, the guy assumes the position. Doc rams a hot dog up there. Waits 15 seconds.Nothing. Waits 15 more seconds.Nothing. Waits 15 more seconds.Then when the tapeworm stuck his head and yelled, "Hey, where's my boiled egg!?" Doc grabbed it and yanked it out!

[cruncher Pete]

Blonde goes for an interview as a detective.. interviewer ok so what's 12 and 12 blonde thinks for a while..24.well done says the interviewer and how many days are in 4 weeks..the blonde thinks for a while...28 sir she says ...well done you're doing well just a few more questions...next who killed Abraham Lincoln..she thinks for a while and as she does the interviewer gets a phone call and says well catch up and finish this tomorrow...ok she says and goes home to her flatmate who asks...how did your I nterview go...great says the blonde I think I ve got the job wow why s that...the interviewer has just asked me to solve my first murder case.

[cruncher Pete]

An American business man is in Japan making a big business deal. His hosts take him out for a night of fine dining and heavy drinking and they finish off the evening by getting some escorts. Back at the hotel the American and his escort get busy and she is having a good time but as he starts the final act she gets very animated and starts shouting "machigatta ana". He figures this is a cry of pleasure, finishes and falls asleep. In the morning he is quite hung over but his hosts insist on going to play golf anyway. On the golf course his host makes a great shot, scoring a birdie and begins jumping about and shouting so the American chimes in with "machigatta ana". The guy who made the shot looks at him crossly and says: "What do you mean it's the wrong hole."

[cruncher Pete]

I was called for jury duty and it was explained to the prospective jury pool that it was going to be a case of extended duration, i.e. at least two weeks. The pool was asked if that would be problematic for anyone and they should raise their hand. Several did. When the judge got to me, he asked what my issue was. I explained that I was under a doctor's care for an foot infection and was seeing the doctor several times a week. The judge asked me how serious the infection was and I replied "I don't exactly know but my doctor keeps wondering why it's green." The judge and the folks in the courtoom laughed and he told me I could go.

[cruncher Pete]

An American-Indian walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a 10-litre bucket of manure in the other:The Indian says to the bartender, "Me want Lager!"The bartender says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He then serves the Indian a tall glass of Tennents Lager. The Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun. He then walks out.Five days later, the Indian returns:He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other.He struts up to the bar and tells the bartender:"Me want beer!"The bartender says, "Whoa there Chief, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were here... What was that all about anyway?" he asked.The Indian explained, "Me training for job as politician. Drink beer, shoot the shit, disappear for a few days come back and see if somebody else has cleaned up the mess me left behind....."