Humor

[cruncher Pete]

An older, married couple went to the shops one day, and they got separated. The woman called her husband's mobile phone, and the following conversation ensued:WOMAN: Where are you?MAN: You remember years ago, we were here and there was a little jewelry shop near the square?W: Yes, I remember that store.M: That was the store where you saw a diamond necklace, and you fell in love with it. You remember?W (excitedly): Yes, yes, I remember that necklace!M: And we were poor and just getting by, but I told you one day I'd buy that necklace for you, didn't I?W (nearly weeping with joy): Oh, yes, I remember that promise! I remember it all!M: Yeah, well, I'm having meself a pint in the pub next door to it.

[cruncher Pete]

Two friends, Jimmy and Steve are out for a Sunday drive. The lights ahead turn red and Jimmy steams right through the intersection. Steve is mortified. 'Relax amigo,' reassures Jimmy, 'my brother Johnny does that all the time.' A few blocks down, the lights turn red and Jimmy cruises on through it. Steve is aghast. "You did it again!' 'Take it easy bro, my brother does it all the time.' They drive on and the next light turns green and Jimmy screeches to a halt. 'What the blue fck is going on!' shouts Steve, 'the light's green!' Jimmy looks to the right. 'Yeah, I know man, but my brother might be coming the other way.'

[cruncher Pete]

A young lad goes off to University and after a while moves into a flat with a roommate.His Mother comes to visit one day for Sunday dinner, and is shocked to find that the roommate is not another bloke, but a young, stunningly beautiful woman. The son assures her though that despite that, they're just friends. Barely that in fact - they get along, share the rent and chores and study.During dinner, Mother admires an item the lad has picked up for the kitchen: a lovely antique serving ladle - silver, with charming decorations. The young man explains he picked it up in an antique store because it reminded him of home.Well, dinner was a great success and Mother went home, satisfied. After a while though, the lad realized he could not find the ladle anywhere. Not in the kitchen, not in the dining room. He was aghast - his own mother stole from him?He sent a note to his mum, not actually accusing her but inquiring as to where the ladle went. The note ended:"I'm not saying you took it and I'm not saying you didn't, but if it was to be returned nothing more would be said."Mother's return note was prompt:"I'm not saying you are sleeping with her and I'm not saying you're not, but if she was sleeping in her own bed, she'd have found the ladle."

[cruncher Pete]

My neighbor just ran over here crying hysterically. I said, "Oh my, what's wrong?" He said he just got a call from his doctor with his medical test results. The doctor told him, "Well, I have bad news, and then I have worse news." My neighbor said, "Oh my God, that sounds terrible! What's the bad news?" The doctor replied, "your test results came back and said you only have 24 hours to live." My neighbor broke down crying and said, "That's horrible!! What could possibly be worse news than that!?" The doctor responded, "I was supposed to call you yesterday."

[cruncher Pete]

An elderly lady was concerned about her husband's hearing.It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn't respond.So, the lady went to the doctor to ask his advice.The doctor said to her, "when you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway, and you should stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move him closer towards you until he responds to your question so you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you."She thought this was a great idea.When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, "Herbert, what do you want for dinner?"There was no response.She moved 10 feet closer.Again she yelled, "Herbert, what do you want for dinner?"No response.She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically face to face with her husband.She yelled even louder this time, "HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?"Herbert yelled back at her, "For the THIRD time, I want chicken!"

[cruncher Pete]

A burglar breaks into a house one night and is creeping around looking for things to steal. Suddenly a voice says "Jesus is watching you!"Startled, the burglar looks to see who spoke, and spots a parrot in a cage. He goes up to the cage and asks "Are you Jesus then?" To which the parrot replies "No. I'm Moses.""What kind of a daft pillock calls a parrot Moses?" ask the burglar.The parrot replies "The same daft pillock that calls a rottweiler Jesus."

[cruncher Pete]

A man goes to the bar with his friends. He finishes his beer and puts his glass on a random table.Then he goes to the bartender and says: I'll bet you for 500 dollars that I can pee from this distance, in that glass over there, without spilling a drop.No way, that's impossible, says the bartender, you're on!So the man does his business and pees all over the place, everywhere but in the glass.I told you so, says the bartender, you owe me 500 dollars!Yes, says the man, but did you know? I made a bet with each of my friends for 500 dollars, that I would piss all over the place and you would LOVE it nevertheless!

[cruncher Pete]

A man walks into his local butcher's shop and asks for his usual order of bacon rashers.Handing over the order to his long time customer and friend, the butcher remembers to tell him about the bizarre incident that happened earlier in the week:"You wouldn't believe what happened in here the other day! I caught my apprentice, butt naked on the countertop, putting his willy in the bacon slicer in front of my customers! He made a right mess of the place! Obviously I had to sack him on the spot..."The man looks at the order of bacon he is holding in his hands and says: "I hope you don't mind me asking, but what did you do with the bacon slicer? "The butcher replies: "I had to sack her too".

[cruncher Pete]

A man goes into a pub and orders three pints all at once. He slowly drinks all three, then leaves.He does this every Friday for a month or so, when finally the barman says "Wouldn't it be better if I pour you a pint at a time, so each will be fresh when you come to drink it?""That's sensible" says the man, half way through the first pint "except I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in Canada and I like to imagine the three of us sitting here having a drink all together""I see" says the barman, and nothing more is said.Just after Christmas the man comes in and orders just two pints. He looks miserable, and so the barman assumes something has happened to one of the brothers. "I'm so sorry for you loss" he says."Oh, my brothers are fine" the man says, "It's me...I'm doing dry January".

[cruncher Pete]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, gripping the wall, he slowly makes it to the kitchen.There, piled on a tray are his favourite scones.Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?Mustering one great final effort, he threw himselftowards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon......'F*** off' she said, 'they're for the funeral

[cruncher Pete]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!" And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration.." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." lol

[cruncher Pete]

A nun gets out of bed gets dressed and walks down the Corridor.Another nun walks towards her and says "Sister Mary. You got out the wrong side of bed this morning!"Sister Mary responded "I most certainly did not!!!"She walks into the dining room and another nun says to her "Sister Mary, I think you got out the wrong side of bed this morning."Sister Mary little bit upset shouts back "I have not got out the wrong side of bed"Sister Mary storms off to pray as she walks into the chapel Mother Superior sees her"Sister Mary", she says "you appear to have have gotten out of the wrong side of bed this morning".Sister Mary responds In tears "No Mother Superior I have not"The Mother Superior says, "why then Mary are you are wearing the bishops slippers...."

[cruncher Pete]

A jobless man applied for the position of 'office boy' at a very big company.The employer interviewed him, then a test: clean the floor."You are hired." – the employer said. "Give me your email address, and I'll send you the application to fill, as well as when you will start."The man replied, "I don't have a computer, neither an email.""I'm sorry," said the employer, "if you don't have an email that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."The man left with no hope. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 USD in his pocket.He then decided to go to the supermarket, bought a 10kg tomato crate, then sold the tomatoes door to door. In less than two hours, he succeeded and doubled his capital.He repeated the operation 3 times and returned home with $60 USD. The man realized that he could survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and returned late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled everyday. Shortly later, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.Five years later, the man's company was one of the biggest food retailers. He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.He called an insurance broker and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied: "I don't have an email."The broker replied curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Do you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?"The man paused for a while, and replied: "An office boy!"

[cruncher Pete]

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby.Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.' The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnny. Johnny said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?''Yes', the mother replied, 'We are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have perfect vision.''That's great', said Little Johnny, 'coz he'd be fornicateed if he needed glasses'.

[cruncher Pete]

A guy goes to a tattoo parlour and asks to have his girlfriends name on his dong. The tattooist is a lovely woman and he's got a bone on as she tattoos Wendy. Later he's having a leak in a public toilet and all that's visible is the w and y. He glances at the guy next to him who also has w and y on his dong. The first guy asks whether he has a girlfriend called Wendy ? The other guy says no I work for an airline. It says, 'welcome to America, have a nice day'.