Humor

[cruncher Pete]

An elderly couple went to the doctor's office, and when the doctor asked why, the old man said "we want to have sex on your examining table." The old lady said "we just want to see if we're doing it right". So, the couple had a go and the doctor said "Well, not as energetic as a younger couple, but other than that, you're doing it just fine.A week later, the same couple came in with the same request. The doctor said "Why do you want to do it here, can't you find a more appropriate place'? The man said, well. doc , we're I'm married, so we can't go to my house, and she's married, so we can't go to her house". Then the lady chipped in and said "It's because The Holiday Inn charges $85 for room and you charge $3 for an office call.

[cruncher Pete]

Paddy the Irishmen rocks up to his Doctor for a Medical, while waiting he reads an article on IQ tests. After his medical, he asks about the IQ test and the Doctor explains that if you have an IQ of 150% you are a genius. If it is 120% you become the CEO of a Corporation and if it is 100% you become a Manager of a company. But the Doctor says the average is about 50 - 60%, how much is mine says, Paddy. Well Paddy, your's is only 30%, but the Doctor says it is not bad if you have 20% or less you can't tie your own shoe laces. Ahh Paddy says that's why you see a lot of Aussies with thongs.

[cruncher Pete]

An old guy at a County Fair had too much to drink. As he was staggering around, barely able to stand and walk, he decided to try the baseball throwing booth to break plates. The guy behind the booth thought he was an easy mark, and happily took the man's money and handed him 6 baseballs to throw. But then, the drunk, barely able to stand, accurately threw the 6 balls and broke 6 plates.The vendor was flabbergasted, but gave the drunk a live turtle as the prize. The drunk took it and staggered away.Three hours later, the drunk was back. This time he slurred every word, couldn't see straight, struggled to hold his head up, and fell down several times as he staggered to the baseball throwing booth. He fell, but pulled himself up to the booth's counter; plopped down his money and asked for 6 baseballs. The vendor thought the drunk was now way too incapacitated to hold, let alone throw a baseball accurately with enough power to break a plate. So, he happily took the man's money. Then, just like before, bam! The drunk rifled off 6 throws and broke 6 plates.The vendor was so amazed, that he got the biggest stuffed animal prize and handed it to the drunk.The drunk looked at it questioningly, then handed it back to the vendor and said, "No, I don't want this. Give me another one of those crunchy pies."

[cruncher Pete]

An American tourist is passing by an Irish bar during a sudden rainstorm. He tried the door and walked in. The barman was polishing glasses behind the bar. "I'll take a bourbon on the rocks please". "No I can't serve you we are closed sure we are". " OK can I wait here until the rain passes?". "Sure you can, would you like a drink while you're waiting???".

[cruncher Pete]

[cruncher Pete]

Two old ladies are sitting on a bus stop, smoking. It begins to rain, and one old lady pulls out a condom, stretches it out, snips the tip off and puts it over her cigarette so she can smoke without her cigarette getting damp. The other old lady thinks that it is a nifty trick and asks her what she put over her cigarette. The lady replies that it is a condom, and that you can buy them at a pharmacy. The 2nd old lady thanks her, and makes a note to pick one up when she gets her prescription filled later that week.Sure enough, a few days latter she enters the pharmacy, goes up to the young man working the counter and says "Young man, I would like to buy a condom please". The young man is taken aback by her advanced age, and replies "Wow. Good for you! No one has ever asked me for help with that before... um. What size do you need?" The old woman pauses, then replies "I need one that will fit a camel".

[cruncher Pete]

A Wife casually calls her husband at the office one afternoonWife: Hi, how r u...?Husband: I m fine...!Wife : What did u have for lunch today?Husband : Dont you have anything else to ask?? You have only silly questions like what did You eat ... what dress u r wearing... whom did u meet.... what song did u listen to etc...!!Wife: Oh!....!!! Ok Ok, then tell me, how should the Central Bank fight these inflationary trends with minimum intervention in the Money Markets? And what should be the role of the Finance Ministry in controlling inward/outward remittances...? ??Husband : (after a few seconds of silence)... I had a chicken sandwich and Orange juice.....!!!!Dedicated to those husbands who still underestimate the intelligence of their wivesA Wife's Witty Reply That Left Her Husband Speechless

[cruncher Pete]

A wealthy couple John and Margaret are at a fundraiser for the evening when Margaret grows tired. I'm going to go home. She notifies her husband. No problem he says, I'll get a ride home later. Take the limo.Upon arrival home, Margaret finds Giles her butler, lying on the couch, relaxing.She walks up to Giles and orders him, Giles, takeoff my dress. Giles complies and takes off her dress. She then orders, Giles, takeoff my Stilettos, Giles complies and takes off her stilettos. Giles, she orders takeoff my brazier, Giles complies, and takes off her Brazier. Giles, she orders takeoff my panties. Giles complies and takes off her panties.Then she looks him up and down and states "and if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

[cruncher Pete]

A woman and a man crash head-on with their cars. The impact is so great that both vehicles are completely destroyed, but, incredibly, neither of the drivers is hurt.After getting out of their respective cars, the woman says:But look how our cars have turned out!And miraculously we don't have a single scratch!"This must be a sign from God for us to get to know each other, be friends, and make love like crazy for the rest of our days."The man, dazzled by the woman's beauty, responds:-Oh yes! I completely agree with you.The woman continues:"Look, another miracle. My car is completely destroyed, but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely fate wants us to take it and celebrate our good fortune."The man, in complete agreement, uncorks the bottle, makes a salute and drinks half of it. Then he hands it back to her so she can drink too.The woman grabs the bottle and puts the cork on.The man, surprised, asks him:"Aren't you going to drink?"The woman answers:"No, I prefer to wait for the Traffic Police to come and take the breathalyzer test."

[cruncher Pete]

"An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, 'Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.'Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, 'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.' Now the pressure is on for the old man.He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed.The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides."

[cruncher Pete]

An 85-year-old lady met a man a similar age to herself. They soon fell in love and decided to get married. "That's wonderful news, mother!" her daughter exclaimed, "When will the exciting event take place?" The old lady rolled her eyes up and replied, "As soon as possible after we're married, what a stupid question"....

[cruncher Pete]

Moron walks into a lumber yard. The salesman asks, "What can I help you with?"Moron: "I need some 4-by-2s."Salesman chuckling to himself: "Well sir, we are fresh out of 4 by 2's, but we just got in a load of 2-by-4s. Will that work for you"?Moron: "Hmm, let me go ask my brother." He leaves and comes back shortly replying, "Ok, I guess that will be ok."Salesman: "How long would you like them?"Moron: "Hmmm, let me ask my brother." He leaves comes back shortly. "We want them for a long time because we're going to build a garage.

[cruncher Pete]

I heard this joke about sixty years ago but I still think about it today. I have updated it from the Korean War era to today.Two Russian soldiers, Vladimir and Igor, are in the trenches in the dead of winter grumbling about their lack of supplies, food, and medical care. Vladimir has a particularly bad case of chapped lips.Vladimir uses the latrine and when he returns, his lips are all brown. Igor asks him, "What is the brown stuff on your lips?"Vladimir says, "It is shit; I put it on my chapped lips."Igor asks, "Does shit prevent chapped lips?"Vladimir replies, "No, but it sure as hell keeps me from licking them."

[cruncher Pete]

One evening John (who had just got divorced) was feeling sorry for himself while strolling along beach in Southern California, and lamenting the fact that his whole life was starting-over. John had lived a good and honest life, worked hard, and always strived to the right thing, but things had still gone haywire. The realization made him question everything that he had believed-in, and seriously wonder whether any of his efforts really mattered? Then he felt a tap on his shoulder, and turned to find a elderly man bathed in a bright white light. God introduced himself and assured John that the world indeed needed more people like John, and that to reward him for is lifetime of piety, God would grant John a single wish. John then looked-out over the ocean at the dazzling colors of the Los Angeles sunset, and turned to God and said "You know, we had our honeymoon in Hawaii, and it was one of the happiest moments of my life. However, I also learned that am terrified of flying so we never returned. How about you creating a bridge from here to Hawaii?" God smiled and then asked John if he was really sure about this bridge because although he was God and could do pretty much anything, the bridge would dramatically disrupt the environment/weather, impact ocean currents, alter migratory patterns, and make shipping far more expensive and complicated, so God just wanted to make sure that John had fully considered the broader ramifications of his request. John thought about things for a second, and immediately saw God's point so he then decided to shift gears, and, turning back to his divorce (that he was still trying to figure-out) John then decided to simply ask God to grant him the ability to understand women. To this God replied "Will that be a two lane bridge or a four lane bridge?"

[cruncher Pete]

The Company Commander called for the First Sergeant.When he arrives the C O says:"Top, just got word that Private Schmedlap's mother died. Please inform him.""Got it, Sir."So the Company is assembled for the noon accountability check. Per usual, he makes a few announcements then:"Private Schmedlap?""Here First Sergeant.""Your mom just croaked."Schmedlap completely falls apart and passes out. An ambulance is called and Schmedlap spends almost a week in the hospital getting back his senses.The C O is pissed."Damn it, Top. The Battalion Commander is on fire about this. I'm going to send you to Tact School. Maybe they can teach you to handle things like this a bit more thoughtfully."So, Top spends a week at Tact School. Time passes. Then, one morning . . ."Top", the C O says, "Just got word that Private Schmedlap's father died. You need to inform him and I hope to hell you do a better job this time.""No sweat, Sir, I got this."So at the noon formation, Top makes a few announcements then: "Alright, listen up. I want everyone whose father is still living to take two steps forward. Not you Schmedlap."