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Humor

Started by Cruncher Pete, November 18, 2022, 03:33:55 PM

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Cruncher Pete


shift

 :congrats These are all great Cruncher Pete

tazzduke

oh god these crack me up lol  :BigGrin



 AA 24 - 53 participant

shift


Dark Angel

If someone steal a Tesla, does that make it an Edison?

Dark Angel

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone famous there is to know. Go on - Just name someone, anyone, and I bet that I know them"
Tired of his boasting, his boss decides to call Dave's bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"Not a problem boss. Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"
So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door.
Tom Cruise is at home and answers the door himself and shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!
Although shocked and more than a little impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical and he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just pure luck.
"No, no, just name anyone else then", Dave says.
"President Biden!", his boss quickly retorts.
"Yep"Dave says, "We're buddies from years ago. Let's fly out to Washington and I'll show you"
So they fly out to Washington and go on the White house tour"
"While walking through the White House, Biden himself appears, spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying,
"Dave, what a surprise, it's great to see you again after all this time. I was just on my way to a meeting but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"
After they leave the White House grounds the boss tells Dave that he's still not entirely convinced.
Dave again implores him to name another famous person.
After thinking about it for a long time the boss replies with, "The Pope!"
"Sure thing!", says Dave, "I've known the Pope for years - since before he became Pope in fact"
So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Saint Peter's Square at the Vatican.
Dave says, "This will never work, I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people Tell you what, I know all the Pope's guards here as well so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him,
"What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw. You and the Pope came out on the balcony and a Japanese tourist next to me said,... "
"Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"

Dark Angel

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Dark Angel

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ryzenmulti

Cracking jokes Pete. I can't vote on them but some of these are rippers.
 :thanks1:
The further back you look, the further forward you can see.

COMING SOON!! (2024)
136 intel cores (no H/T), 212 AMD/ryzen cores 8 RTX GPU's, 10 Tesla GPUs and 1.5TB RAM

Home cooked twin primes using python ... it started out with 256 digits of pi and eulers number ... and has ended with
(6*(3358638*(5^6137)+177))-1 ,4297 digits, is prime
(6*(3358638*(5^6137)+177))+1 ,4297 digits, is prime

ryzenmulti

Heisenberg and Schrödinger get pulled over for speeding.

The cop asks Heisenberg "Do you know how fast you were going?"

Heisenberg replies, "No, but we know exactly where we are!"

The officer looks at him confused and says "you were going 108 miles per hour!"

Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now we're lost!"

The officer looks over the car and asks Schrödinger if the two men have anything in the trunk.

"A cat," Schrödinger replies.

The cop opens the trunk and yells "Hey! This cat is dead."

Schrödinger angrily replies, "Well he is now."
The further back you look, the further forward you can see.

COMING SOON!! (2024)
136 intel cores (no H/T), 212 AMD/ryzen cores 8 RTX GPU's, 10 Tesla GPUs and 1.5TB RAM

Home cooked twin primes using python ... it started out with 256 digits of pi and eulers number ... and has ended with
(6*(3358638*(5^6137)+177))-1 ,4297 digits, is prime
(6*(3358638*(5^6137)+177))+1 ,4297 digits, is prime

jave808

I had a tree I wanted removed because it was too close to the house.
I called a tree guy. He came out and did a nice job cutting down the tree. He asked me what I thought. I said, "It's nice, but what about the stump?" He informed me that he was just a tree guy who cut down trees, if I wanted the stump removed, I would need to call a stump guy.
I found a highly recommend stump guy. He came and got the stump out. He says, "There you go." I asked him about the hole. He says, "I'm a stump guy and just remove stumps. I don't fill in the holes." He told me I would need to call a landscaper.
I get ahold of a landscaper and I tell him, "I'm fixing to leave town on a trip. I don't care what you do, just fix the hole and make it look nice."
I got back today and found out he planted a friggin tree.
PC1: AMD Ryzen 9 5950X @3.4GHz, 128GB DDR4, 2 x RTX3070, Linux Mint 21.3 64-bit
PC2: Loading...

Dingo




Can't see the image


Radioactive@home graph
Have a look at the BOINC@AUSTRALIA Facebook Page and join and also the Twitter Page.

Proud Founder and member of BOINC@AUSTRALIA

My Luck Prime 1,056,356 digits.
Have a look at my  Web Cam of Parliament House Ottawa, CANADA

ryzenmulti

Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the truth!
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her & asked,
'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy & frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people & talk about them behind their backs.
You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room & asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too.
He's lazy, bigoted & he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, & his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state.
Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife.
Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both Counsellor a to approach the bench &, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...😂😂
The further back you look, the further forward you can see.

COMING SOON!! (2024)
136 intel cores (no H/T), 212 AMD/ryzen cores 8 RTX GPU's, 10 Tesla GPUs and 1.5TB RAM

Home cooked twin primes using python ... it started out with 256 digits of pi and eulers number ... and has ended with
(6*(3358638*(5^6137)+177))-1 ,4297 digits, is prime
(6*(3358638*(5^6137)+177))+1 ,4297 digits, is prime

jave808

Quote from: Cruncher Pete on May 13, 2023, 08:50:03 AMI just changed my computer login password to "Alcatraz" and now the "Esc"button won't work?

I changed all my passwords to "incorrect" so I get a message whenever I login stating "Password is incorrect"
PC1: AMD Ryzen 9 5950X @3.4GHz, 128GB DDR4, 2 x RTX3070, Linux Mint 21.3 64-bit
PC2: Loading...

jave808

Quote from: Cruncher Pete on July 13, 2023, 08:45:13 AMSusie came home from her first day at school.

Her mother said, "Well, Honey, what did you learn today?"

"Not enough, I guess....They want me to come back again tomorrow."

Ha ha ha ha!!
PC1: AMD Ryzen 9 5950X @3.4GHz, 128GB DDR4, 2 x RTX3070, Linux Mint 21.3 64-bit
PC2: Loading...