Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

Five year old Simon was in Summer Bible Camp. His teacher had asked the class to draw their favorite Bible story. When she looked at Simon's drawing, he had drawn an airplane. The teacher asked who were the people in the plane. Simon started from the back window and said, "This is Joseph." On the next window he said "This is Mary." And in the front window, he said "This is the Baby Jesus." The teacher then asked why he had drawn them in an airplane. Simon said "It's for their flight out of Egypt." The teacher then asked who is sitting in the cockpit and Simon replies "Oh, that's Pontius the Pilot."

[Cruncher Pete]

An Irish girl goes away to college in the big city. Her father sends her money as he can, but he's a poor man, and it doesn't amount to much. The girl has to do whatever she can to raise money to live on. At the end of the year, she returns home. Her father mentions that she looks healthy."Oh father, please forgive me!" she wails. "Yer only daughter has had to become a prostitute to survive.""What's that ye say?" demands the old man.Realizing he's hard of hearing, she enunciates clearly, "Father, I've become a prostitute.""Praise the Lord!" exclaims the old man, "Fer a minute I thought ye said ye were a Protestant!"

[Cruncher Pete]

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out---caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.

Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.

She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at
]"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

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[Cruncher Pete]

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven." Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Six." Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?" Johnny: "Seven!" Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!" Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

[Cruncher Pete]

Ms Straightlace was in the midst of her third period, third grade Math class one Thursday when she addressed the class:"Now children, there are four crows sitting on a fence. If you take your gun and shoot one, how many are left?"Little Johnny quickly raised his hand. Ms S. Called on him: "Yes, Johnny?"Johnny said, "None! They'd all fly away!"Ms S. laughed and said, "Well, Johnny, the correct answer is three. But I like the way you're thinking!"Johnny then asked, "Mind if I ask you a question?" She laughed and said, "Of course you can ask a question!"Johnny said, "Okay, there are three women in an ice cream shop. One is biting her cone; one is licking her cone, and one is sucking her cone. Which one's married?"Surprised, she replied, "Um, I don't know....the one sucking her cone?"Johnny smiled and said, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you're thinking!"

[Cruncher Pete]

An elderly man was having hearing problems and went to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.
After a few weeks the man came back to make sure the new equipment was working properly, which it was.
The hearing specialist said, "It all seems perfect. Your family should be delighted you can hear everything now."
"Oh no," the man responded. "I haven't told any of them. I just sit quietly, listening carefully. I've changed my will four times."

[Cruncher Pete]

A copy pulls over an old lady driving very slowly on the highway...
...and sees three other old ladies in the car, all of whom are terrified.
Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving 35 miles per hour on the highway.
Old Lady: Well, that's because the speed limit is 35.
Cop: No, this is HIGHWAY 35. The speed limit is 65. By the way, why are these other three women looking so terrified?
Old Lady: Ohhh, that's because we just got off of highway 145.

[Cruncher Pete]

John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn.So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.''Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.They enjoyed a great weekend of golf.But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend.He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?''Yes, I do,' said Shawn.'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?''Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.''And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?''She just died and left me everything.'

[Cruncher Pete]

An army is on the move. Marching, marching, marching, day after day in the hot sun. Hot, sweaty, no rest, day after day.The captain rounds them up to speak to them. "Today," he says, "is a special day! Today we're all going to change our underwear!"Huge cheer arises from the crowd."Okay," the captain says. He points. "You change with him. You change with him. You change with him . . . "

[Cruncher Pete]

�An Irishman wants a job, but the boss won't hire him until he passes a little maths test."Here is your first question." the boss said."Without using numbers, represent the number 9.""Without numbers?" The Irishman says. "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees."What's this?" the boss asks."Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9," says the Irishman."Fair enough," says the boss."Here's your second question.Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a little smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?""Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again but represent the number 100."The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says,"Ere you go. One hundred."The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poops by each tree.So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

The Irishman became head of Qantas in Australia and recently retired after trashing the business and taking a monster payout!

[Cruncher Pete]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were captured by hostile Indians. The Indians took them to their village, tied them up and put kindling at their feet. The Indians then go down to the river to drink whiskey. Tonto says to The Lone Ranger, "Ugh, Kimosabi, we're in trouble now".The Lone Ranger replies, "Nonsense my brave Indian companion."The Lone ranger whistles and his trusty horse, Silver, comes over, bends down and The Lone Ranger whispers in his ear. The horse rears up on his hind legs and gallops out of the village.Time goes by, It begins getting dark. The Indians run out of whiskey. They gather together their spires and torches and start walking back to where The Lone Ranger and Tonto are tied up.Tonto says to The Lone Ranger, "We're in heap big trouble now, Kimosabi."Just then, in the nick of time The Lone Ranger's horse Silver comes galloping into camp. He goes to where The Lone Ranger and Tonto are tied up. He has a naked girl on his back. The horse bends down and the naked girl tumbles off.The Lone Ranger says, "Stupid horse, I told him to go get a posse."

[Cruncher Pete]

A new girl started working at the pharmacy. She had only been there for a few days when the pharmacist had to step out on an errand, when he got back he saw a man clutching a light pole with a face turning purple. "That man outside, was he just in here?" Asked the pharmacist. Yes the girl said. "What did he want?" "Something to stop him coughing ". "What did you give him???". "Extra strength laxative " said the girl. "To stop a cough? How will that stop a cough???""Well, look at him he wouldn't DARE COUGH!!!"

[Cruncher Pete]

After many years of dreaming, saving, and planning, a married couple make a trip to the Holy Land, bringing the wife's mother along. While they are there, the mother dies. The wife being very distraught, the husband steps forward to make arrangements.At the U.S. Conciliate he is told, "Transporting the remains back the States is complicated and expensive. I'm afraid the whole process is going to cost about $50,000. However, there is an alternative. We can arrange to have your departed buried right here. As a curtesy to international relations, it can be done at no cost."The man thinks this through and says, "We'll take her back. Let's get going on the paperwork."The representative answered, "I don't think you understand. We can lay her to rest HERE, in the HOLY LAND, for FREE."The man answered, "What I understand is that 2,000 years ago you buried a man here, and three days later he came right back up again. I'm not taking the chance of that happening with my mother-in-law. Let's get going on the paperwork. I brought my own pen."

[Cruncher Pete]

A man walks into a small curio shop in a backwater country, looking for interesting or unusual artifacts. He sees a bronze statue of a rat that catches his eye – it is oddly attractive, considering what it represents.

The man asks the shopkeeper how much he wants for the bronze rat and the shopkeeper said he could have it for ten dollars, or for a hundred dollars if he wanted the story that goes with it. The man gives the shopkeeper ten dollars and tells him that he can keep the story.

As the man walks down the street with his purchase, he hears a rustling behind him and turns to see a couple of rats following him. He picks up his pace and the rats do too, but now there are four of them. Soon he is running as fast as he can run and there are hundreds of rats gaining on him. About then he comes to a canal and clamors up a light pole, tossing the bronze rat into the canal as he climbs the pole. To his amazement the rats follow the bronze rat into the canal and they all drown.

Somewhat shaken, the man makes his way back to the curio shop. The shopkeeper smiles when the man comes in and says "Now I suppose you want the story".

The man says "No, I don't care about the story – I just wanted to see if you happened to have a bronze statue of a lawyer..."

[Cruncher Pete]

The old lady handed her card to the bank teller and said, "I would like to withdraw $10."

The teller replied, "For withdrawals under $100, use the ATM."The old lady asked why...The teller, annoyed, handed her card back and said, "These are the rules. If you have no other requests, please go away. There is a line of customers behind you."The old lady was silent for a few seconds, then handed her card back to the teller and said, "Please help me withdraw all the money I have."The teller was stunned when he saw the balance in her account. He nodded, bent down and respectfully said, "You have $300,000 in your account and the bank doesn't have that much money right now. Could you make an appointment and come back tomorrow?"The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw right away.The cashier replied, "Any amount up to $3,000.""Well, then give me $3,000 now," the lady said.The cashier handed it over to her with kindness and respect.The old lady put $10 in her wallet and asked the cashier to deposit the remaining $2,990 into her account.The moral of this story is...Don't be hard on the elderly, they've spent a lifetime honing their skills.