Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night. Behind him he hears..BumpBumpWalking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging it's way down the middle of the street towards him.BumpBumpTerrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him..BumpBumpHe runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys,opens the door,rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.However the casket crashes through his door with the lid of the casket clapping..Clappity-bumpClappity-bumpThe terrified man rushes upstairs and locks himself in the bathroom. His heart is pounding;his head is reeling;his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.With a loud CRASH, the casket breaks down the door, bumping and clapping towards him.The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup.Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...and,the coffin stops!!

[Cruncher Pete]

A man was wandering around in his back yard when he came across a patch of big mushrooms, they looked nice, so he picked them. He was expecting a number of friends around that evening for a slap up meal and figured the mushrooms would be nice to go with the steaks. But being wary that some mushrooms can be poisonous, he cooked one up and gave it to his dog Spot, figuring that if it didn't make Spot sick then the rest would be okay for the guests. Well Spot scoffed it down and wagged his tail, he wanted more, no sign of him getting sick. Alrighty then, let's do it. So the friends duly arrived, the steak and mushrooms served and soon devoured and everyone was most impressed. But wait......the man's son comes running inside, "Dad, dad, Spot is dead!" Oh hell, what to do now, what will happen to the guests. The man panicked and rang the hospital and they told him to race to the pharmacy and get a special solution to give to his guests and they may well be saved. It causes immediate vomiting and also cleans out the bowels in a flash. So he did that, gave all the guests a good dosing of drench and had some himself. Oh dear, there was much chundering and pooing and moaning and writhing as the guest lay all over the floor filling their pants and covering the furniture with puke and poo. Tsk, tsk. Suddenly the man's son came back in the room and said, "You know what dad, that truck that ran over Spot didn't even stop!"

[Cruncher Pete]

LONELYThree men, Ben, Harold and Fred, found themselves marooned on a small island in the middle of the ocean after their boat ran out of fuel, with no way to contact the outside world. Then Ben noticed a small lantern lying on the sand beside him which he picked up and rubbed. As he was hoping, a genie appeared and said "I am the genie of the lantern. I am authorised to grant you three wishes, one wish each."Bob immediately said, "I wish to be back home with my wife and children".Pfft. Suddenly Bob was back with his family, and once they got over the fright of seeing him suddenly appear there, they were very happy and relieved to see him.Next it was Harold's turn. Harold was a bachelor and he said, "I want to be in a night club with lots of beautiful women".Suddenly, Harold was in a night club surrounded by beautiful women.Finally it was Fred's turn. Fred thought for a minute and then said, "I'm starting to feel lonely now. I wish my mates were back here with me."

[Cruncher Pete]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?", he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?"