Humor

[Cruncher Pete]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.""I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "OK. Go ahead."Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."The auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous."Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands."Are you OK?" the auditor asks."Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."Don't mess with old people!

[Cruncher Pete]

A voluptuous young blonde wrecked her car and went to Heaven the same day the Queen died. St. Pete tells them, "I have bad news, we are overbooked, and there isonly space for one more at this time. So we will have a talent competition for me to decide which of you gets in." The blonde, being an ex-stripper, puts on a mouth-watering performance, even going so far as to bury St. Pete's face in her 46DD cleavage. She figures she's a shoo-in, as the Queen went to a nearby bathroom stall, took a loud stinking shit, flushed and walked back out. St. Pete welcomes the Queen to Heaven. The young lady is livid, and demands to appeal the decision before God, alleging class bias. God smiles and says, "I'm sorry young lady, but even in Heaven a royal flush beats even the best pair!"

[Cruncher Pete]

A young lady suggested to her inexperienced boyfriend that they should have sex."Uhh.. I dunno" he said.. "I heard women had teeth... down there"She laughed.. "No, silly, we don't! Here, have a look!"She hitched up her skirt, spread her legs and let him take a good look."You're right!" he said, relieved. "But MY GOD, look at the state of your gums!"

[aymii]

46 DD ..   she is no young lady :P  hahahah

A voluptuous young blonde wrecked her car and went to Heaven the same day the Queen died. St. Pete tells them, "I have bad news, we are overbooked, and there isonly space for one more at this time. So we will have a talent competition for me to decide which of you gets in." The blonde, being an ex-stripper, puts on a mouth-watering performance, even going so far as to bury St. Pete's face in her 46DD cleavage. She figures she's a shoo-in, as the Queen went to a nearby bathroom stall, took a loud stinking shit, flushed and walked back out. St. Pete welcomes the Queen to Heaven. The young lady is livid, and demands to appeal the decision before God, alleging class bias. God smiles and says, "I'm sorry young lady, but even in Heaven a royal flush beats even the best pair!"

[Cruncher Pete]

A guy's slobbing out in trackies, slippers and a paint splattered t-shirt, watching TV when his wife asks him to pop round the shop to get some eggs for his tea.He's gone a long time and his wife is getting worried when there's a knock at the door. She opens it and there's a cop who tells her he's been hit by a lorry and she has to come down to the morgue to identify the body.The morque assistant leads her in and she confirms it's her husband then she notices another body laying on the next table; he's wearing immaculately shined shoes, and a beautifully tailored Italian silk suit.She says to the assistant "Look at that, that guy looks like a male model, and there's my old man looking like a tramp"The assistant looks around to check no-one's listening and says "he hasn't been claimed yet, give me five minutes"She goes out and waits in the corridor, a couple of minutes later the assistant beckons her back in.Now the unknown body is wearing trackies, slippers and a paint spattered t-shirt and her husband is wearing shiny shoes and a beautifully tailored Italian silk suit."Oh, doesn't he look lovely" she says but then her conscience takes over and she says "No, I can't let that poor man's family see him like that when they do come for him, I'm sorry to mess you about but can you change him back if it's not too much trouble?""It's no trouble at all" he says, "I'll just swap the heads back over"

[Cruncher Pete]

Two blondes were trekking in the Australian outback when they found some tracks. Oh look!, blonde one exclaims, Dingo Tracks!. Don't be so stupid blonde 2 replies, They are much too wide to be dingo tracks, they are camel tracks! Don't you call me stupid, blonde one angrily replies, I know dingo tracks when I see them! A heated argument broke out between the two blondes. They were still arguing loudly when the train came along and hit them.

[Cruncher Pete]

A guy is staggering in the heat of the southwest desert in the 19th century. He stumbles into a small town and a man asks him "why don't you buy a horse?" The guy says "I don't have much money". So the local man introduces him to a horse seller and asks if he has any affordable horses. The seller says "Well, I have one for $20 and another for $10...The guy says "What's the difference?" and the seller says, "Well, a preacher man had this horse, and he just died so his wife asked me to sell it. It's a good horse; it just responds to unusual commands is all." So the guy says, "OK, I'll take the cheaper one!" He pays the money, gets on the horse and says "Giddyup!" The horse doesn't move, so the seller says, "No, no! If you want it go, you say 'Oh, Lord' and when you want it stop, you say 'Amen." "Oh, OK!" The guys nudges the horse with his knees and says, "Oh, Lord", and the horse takes off at a dead run. The guy sees a cliff looming ahead, and he screams in panic: "Whoa! Whoa! STOP!" but the horse keeps running. At the last second, the guy remembers and screams "Amen!!!" The horse stops at the very edge of the cliff, and the guy wipes his brow and says, " WHEW, OH LORD!"

[Cruncher Pete]

Two men are in the doctor's waiting room. They know each other, so they are allowed to talk to each other."What are you here for?" Asks Fred."I've got a red ring around my todger." Says Bert."What a coincidence." Says Fred. "I've got a green ring around mine."Bert gets called into see the doctor. Five minutes later he comes out and says "Well, that was OK. I've just got to wash it with soap and water."Fred, relieved, strolls in to see the doctor, explains the problem and whips his todger out for inspection."I'm sorry. Says the doc. "We're going to have to amputate.""What!" Says Fred. "But Bert just had to wash his!""Ah." Says the doc. "There's a big difference between lipstick and gangrene".

[Cruncher Pete]

An extremely rich man dies and goes to heaven. Outside the pearly gates, St. Peter is standing guard.St Peter says to the rich man, 'Can I help you?'The rich man says, 'Yes, I'm a very rich person, and I want into heaven.'St. Peter: 'What good things have you done?'.The rich man thinks for a moment and replies, 'Well, once I gave a man 5 cents to get a cup of coffee.'St. Peter: 'Anything else?'The rich man thinks for a moment.Rich man: 'I gave a man 10 cents to get a bowl of soup.'St. Peter: 'Anything else?'Rich man: 'No, that's all."St. Peter: 'Well, I can't decide what to do with you. I'll have to ask God.'St. Peter yells to God.St. Peter: 'God, I have this rich man out here and he wants into heaven. He says he gave a man 5 cents to get a cup of coffee, and another time gave someone 10 cents to get a bowl of soup. What should I do with him?'There's a long silence, and then God yells to St. Peter.God: 'Give the son-of-a-bitch his 15 cents back and tell him to go to hell!'

[Cruncher Pete]

A man is talking to his lawyer at the police station."What are you charged with?" "Public indecency." "Tell me about it." "I have a compulsion to do what the music says. If they play the Twist, I Twist. If they play a waltz , I waltz." "I understand. What got you arrested?" "They played Come On Eileen."

[Cruncher Pete]

It is a hot summer day. An Englishman, a Welshman, and a Scotsman all walk into a pub and ask for a pint each.The barman places 3 beers with nice heads of foam on the bar.Just then, three flies come into the pub through the open window. Each fly lands on the head of each of the three beers, getting trapped in the foam.The Englishman picks up his beer and examines the fly caught in the head. He places his mug back down on the bar. "Barman!", he says. "There is a fly in my beer. Please dump this one and give me a new pint in a clean mug."The Welshman picks up his beer and examines the fly caught in the head. With his other hand he deftly flicks the fly away with a snap of his fingers. He then proceeds to drink the delicious beer.The Scotsman picks up his beer and examines the fly caught in the head. He then very carefully picks up the fly by its wings and starts shaking it vigorously over his beer while yelling "Spit it oot ye wee bastard!"

[Cruncher Pete]

A little boy walking with his father sees two dogs mating and asks his father what they're doing.Not wanting to compromise his son's innocence, the father says,"Well, son, one of the dogs is hurt and his friend is helping him home by carrying him on its back."The little boy replies,"Gee, Dad, that's just like life. Try to help out a friend and they'll shove it up your ass every time."

[Cruncher Pete]

Paddy goes for a building job in London. He's getting on in age, he used to work there in the 60's but went to Cambridge to study physics and literature in later years.The young foreman explains the various qualifications and certificates needed, but they agree that given his academic background they can do a simple test right now.Q1: Paddy, if I drop a 1kg brick from a 10m window, how fast is it going after 1 second? Easy, 9.81 metres per second.Q2: Right Paddy, if I fill a bucket of with ten litres of water, what is the weight increase? Simple, ten kilos.Q3: Ok Paddy, explain the difference between a girder and a joist. No problem, Goethe wrote Faust and Joyce wrote Ulysses.

[Cruncher Pete]

A customer just leaves a chemist shop, and the chemist races down the street after him."Thank goodness I've caught you! I've just made a terrible mistake. You asked for something for indigestion and I accidentally gave you cyanide capsules.""Oh, what's the difference?" asks the customer.The chemist holds out his hand and says, "50 cents"

[Cruncher Pete]

Two guys get seated next to each other on a plane and realize they both have black eyes."What a coincidence!", they both agree.The first guy says, "yea you know, women".So the second guy says, "what do you mean?"."Well, when I was buying my ticket, I meant to say, 'May I have one ticket to Pittsburgh?', but the lady at the counter had a really nice rack so instead I said, 'May I get one picket to Tittsburgh?', and she socked me"."Wow", the second guy says, "that's kind of like what happened to me"."How so?"."Well, I was having breakfast with my wife, and I meant to say, 'would you please pass the eggs, honey?', but instead I said, 'you ruined my life you f bitch!"